I have issues.

Posted on April 28, 2015 by luckyotter

This post is going to suck.

Today I’ve been obsessing about the hefty lump sum payment my sperm donor is getting in SSI back pay for the seven years I supported him. I have never heard of anyone getting such a large lump sum from the government nor do I know of anyone who will be getting the amount every month he will be raking in.

So now I’m having to cope with the nearly unbearable sting of envy AND righteous anger (because if I hadn’t supported him all those years he would not have been able to sit at home and go through the whole disability application process, which took almost that long; and also because his payments were increased because he’s “homicidal”).

I’m beyond enraged that I have to continue to toil away at a job I dislike, that really doesn’t suit my personality or interests and I have no health insurance, while he will be living quite well off the benefits my goodwill made possible for him without having to work. All because he’s “homicidal.” (I do not know what his diagnosis was. I’m surprised there would be compensation for something like ASPD; maybe it’s his fake “schizophrenia.”). I think he’s gaming the system.

When he was over here on Sunday collecting his belongings (and trying to take some of mine), he started talking about the pottery classes he’s going to take with some of the money and the new car he’s going to buy (I have to drive a 14 year old clunker that’s got an expired registration because I can’t afford to get the tuneup it desperately needs). I finally told him I did not want to discuss money. I didn’t want to think about it, and I’m sure he was rubbing it in on purpose.

Must be nice. Yes, I’m bitter. I hate feeling this envious. It’s bad enough on its own, but add to that the GUILT I feel over being consumed by this…narcissistic emotion. I don’t think there’s any uglier or more painful emotion than envy, in this case envy mixed with righteous anger. I’m praying for God to remove this horrible character defect before he actually gets his lump sum payment, because I have no idea what I will do when that happens.

Maybe he sold his soul to the devil or something, because no matter what, he always seems to come out on top in the end.

Where’s Karma when you need her?

Who will take care of me if I become disabled so I could apply for benefits?

I wish I could just stop feeling like this. I sound like a damned baby.

GOD, I hate this.

Narc attack!

Posted on April 27, 2015 by luckyotter

Sigh.
I can’t get rid of them.
Today I thought I died and went to narc hell.

My narcissist sperm donor has finally moved into his own place. I’d been storing a lot of his crap in my house (for no charge) since I kicked him out over a year ago. Many times I felt like just hauling it all to Goodwill but he kept begging me not to so I didn’t. Of course any attempts to collect financial compensation for storing his crap were met with deaf ears or excuses.

So anyway, today he came over to pick up his stuff. I had most of it packed in bags and boxes for him so he wouldn’t have to stay long rummaging through my house. I didn’t want him to invade my boundaries, but of course asking a narc not to invade your boundaries is like asking a mosquito not to bite you. They are every bit as annoying as a mosquito too.

He kept walking from one room to the next, trying to take things that weren’t his or that had been both of ours but I wanted to keep. I had to negotiate with him over at least 20 items, including the little bit of wall art that I have, and the few decorative items in the living room. He kept trying to take my little white Buddha that sits next to my bamboo plant in the kitchen. I finally convinced him why I needed to have it (“it makes my plant grow”–it really does!) He wanted to take my geodes off the kitchen sill. I wouldn’t let him have them.

He was here for two hours, wanting to go through EVERYTHING, opening every drawer, rummaging in the closets for things I might have missed (there was nothing of his left), even pawing through all the stuff in the medicine cabinet, the cabinet over the toilet, and the kitchen. I couldn’t get rid of him fast enough.

But no, this wasn’t all. I didn’t just have one narc following me around the house going through my stuff–I had TWO! My annoying narcissistic roommate was following us around too. Any time I have company she is ALWAYS out of her room, making sure she’s noticed and hijacking the conversation with her inane blabber. She followed us from room to room, talking nonstop about nothing as usual and asking an awful lot of questions that were none of her business. I finally told her I was stressed and I would prefer she didn’t follow us around asking questions, so she went back in her room (sulking, of course), but 5 minutes later was out again, saying she was “just getting some air.” The nonstop talking resumed. I just tried to ignore her but it was hard.

The ex didn’t take much besides what I had packed, but dealing with him being here and pawing through my belongings felt like a huge violation of my boundaries. Meanwhile being yabbered at nonstop by my idiot narcissist roommate was another type of boundary violation. Even my ex was getting irritated with her.

Can you imagine being in your own home followed around by two narcissists, one who wants to rummage through (and possibly take) your belongings, and another who never shuts the hell up?
After he left (finally!) I was so exhausted I had to take a long nap. They just suck everything out of you. Like vampires.

At least my house feels like mine again and I have a lot more room for my OWN stuff now.

Why is it so damn cold outside?

Posted on April 25, 2015 by luckyotter

It’s the end of April and it might as well be early March. It’s cold enough I had to turn on the heat and wear a coat when I went out earlier.

I came home and put on my toe socks and burrowed under some blankets because I thought I was going to freeze to death.
Alright, maybe I’m exaggerating, but only a little!

Why did WordPress get rid of the “classic editor”?

Posted on April 23, 2015 by luckyotter

I haven’t mentioned it, but for the past few weeks, I no longer seem to have the option to switch to the old WordPress editor. I’ve been forced to use the “beep beep boop” new editor, which I can’t stand. I’m really afraid WP might make the old stats page disappear too, which shows far more information and is easier to use (in my opinion) than the “new and improved” stats page.

Why does WP keep dumbing down the blogging experience, and taking away features that improve that experience for its users? I don’t know one person who prefers the “new and improved” versions of the editor and stats page.

What gives, WordPress?

I also noticed the StumbleUpon share button is no longer available. Why?

Here is my previous rant about these “new and improved” features. Judging by the comments, I’m not alone in my dissatisfaction and disgust.
Here is another one.

ETA: I finally found out what you must do to get to the Classic (old) editor.
Go to WP-Admin page.
Click on Posts–add New.
Too bad there’s no “switch to Classic editor” option anymore.

Apparently WP is dead set on forcing this “beep beep boop” editor on us in spite of an OVERWHELMING number of people disliking it.
Here is a screenshot of the poll asking what editor people preferred. Wow!

Please vote in this poll if you hate the new editor!
http://www.poll-maker.com/poll277402x1D5c4173-10

Worldly Annoyances: “Bloggers are Narcs”

Posted on April 17, 2015 by luckyotter

Here’s a reposting of a short article from Worldly Annoyances–in this case, a defense of my intentions for blogging about narcissism, after I posted my article, “Replying to My Haters.” WA’s owner was angered by one one of my haters who told me to “get a real job.”

This was the comment I got that raised her ire:

All Bloggers are Narcissists. Heres some advise. Get a job or a real hobby and stop writing about things you don’t know jackshit about as if your shit doesn’t stink. Thank you.

“Bloggers are narcs.” Comments like that only serve to send up a green flag – a big one 😉

Over at Lucky Otter’s blog, she just posted some comments from people who evidence harboring serious envy-issues. Lucky has a quality blog – uhm, it’s quite obvious, she puts alot of time and effort into it. And concerning the comment about getting a real job, the little donkey-wipe who excreted that one, obviously does not care to come to grips with the reality that some people are well-gifted to do both – hold down a job AND post articles (that people want to read). Perhaps, if Lucky’s detractors started / worked on their own blogs (instead of watching the boob-tube) they’d have a better attitude.

Yeah, i’m a bit cranked. Have heard similar sheite from people (in pre-internet days) who obviously can’t stand it when someone, of whom they look down on, actually is actively interested in things other than TV. It was covertly said to me that because i don’t possess a 300 iq, i’d no business reading books about our solar-system or what earth was like long ago.

Been no contact for two years. Need it take an iq of 85 to figure 😉 But seriously, the negativity spouting from people like that, does untold damage to immortal souls, everywhere.

I appreciate this blogger’s defense of me and my motives for doing this, but honestly, I’m not really all that upset by comments like these anymore. Framed in a different way, they can be funny or even serve as fodder for new blog posts!

It’s good to remember that if your blog is growing and doing well, some people–your haters–are probably pathologically envious of you. They are probably narcissists projecting their own narcissism onto the bloggers who make them feel envious. They want to bring you down a notch or ten–and rub their hands together with glee when they see your confidence and drive crumble under their envy-fueled vitriol.
I apologize if that sounds narcissistic of me, but it also happens to be the truth. OM (Opinionated Man) has a ton of haters–people are jealous of the fact his blog has over 50K followers (and is still growing fast) and is one of the most successful personal blogs on the Internet.

The bigger this blog gets, the more haters I have. It’s something I’ve come to accept. It’s an occupational hazard (and yes, this is a job–my REAL job–even if I only make about $20 a month from running ads on this site–which is better than the $13 I made last month!)

Anyone ever notice how troll comments and hater comments almost always have terrible spelling and grammar? Basement dwellers getting their jollies from writing illiterate hate comments on blogs they probably can’t even read properly would benefit from going back to third grade. Then they’ll have enough writing skills to start their own blog about how narcissistic they think all bloggers are!
Failing that, maybe they should go outside for awhile and take in some sun for a change.

Fleas or narcs?

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

The only thing I don’t like about the coming of spring and summer (besides the high humidity later on) is fleas. But because I have so many pets, every summer I do mighty battle with these leaping little bastards from hell.

Fleas! Argggghhh! I hate fleas more than just about anything else–and that’s a lot of things.

I have no idea why fleas ever evolved or how they ever really fit into the food chain. Or if you believe in creation, why God would have put these teeny weeny jumping demons on the Ark along with Noah. I don’t know why they exist or what their earthly purpose could possibly be.

Fleas are annoying, they suck your blood, they are everywhere, and they’re nearly impossible to get rid of. At least maggots, gross they are, help break down dead meat so they have a dirty job to do, just like that guy on TLC who made a reality show out of doing all the gross jobs no one else wanted to do. But someone’s got to do it.

What do fleas do? Fleas are the planet’s parasitic losers (except they seem to be winning).

You know what else is useless, annoying, everywhere, sucks your blood, and nearly impossible to get rid of? What else on this planet are parasitic losers who seem to be winning?

Narcs.

Maybe some Frontline can help keep the narcs under control too.

The only thing better about a narc than a flea is they don’t make your lower legs itch like hell and develop raw red sores that make you look like you have a bad skin disease. But instead of fucking with your epidermis, they fuck with your grey matter.

Hey, I got it. Let’s find a way to make all the narcs attractive to fleas–maybe there’s some sort of pheromone cologne we can splash all over them–and the rest of us and our pets can live flea-free. The narcs will be too busy scratching to bother us much anymore.

I hate my BPD.

Posted on March 30, 2015 by luckyotter

Sometimes my BPD rears its ugly head. It comes off as narcissism to people who don’t understand. I don’t always understand it either, and because impulsivity is a factor, when I act out in Borderline ways, I’m not even always aware at the time I’m doing it. Sometimes it doesn’t become clear to me until it’s pointed out to me later, and then I’m all, “Oh my God, what have I done?”
Then I beat myself up with guilt and shame, which is what I did today.

Even though I learned tools for handling my BPD when I was hospitalized (for Bipolar II) in 1996 and have found those tools helpful, sometimes it’s not enough and my BPD gets the best of me. I’ve been accused of being narcissistic before. I know I’m not a narcissist, but I can understand why some people might think so.

God, I really hate this disorder. Out of all my disorders, it’s the worst one. It trips me up so often and destroys friendships and makes people think they can’t trust me. Then it’s very hard to convince them I never had ill intentions, but acted impulsively out of whatever emotion at the moment was driving my behavior.

I think blogging was the first step in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, but I’ve reached a place where a lot of emotional garbage that was buried and frozen because of my PTSD is coming up to the surface and it HURTS A LOT. I just wanted to cry all day. I didn’t but I wanted to.

I will still blog of course (I don’t plan to ever stop either), but my BPD is showing more and I think all the weird emotions I’m feeling that I can’t understand are becoming too much for me to handle alone anymore. It was suggested to me that I really need to seek counseling at this point. I know there are free or low cost mental health services in my area I could look into.

I hate my BPD. I wish it would just go away and stay away forever. It’s caused me and people I cared about so much misery. It’s destroyed so many friendships. I don’t want this anymore. I can live with my Aspergers and even enjoy it, but being a Borderline really sucks. 😦
Just one more way my FOO fucked me over…

I’m ready to kick some narc ass.

Posted on March 27, 2015 by luckyotter

Yesterday I wrote my rant about my psychopathic sperm donor getting an increase in his disability benefits because of his “homicidal tendencies.”

I was amazed by everyone’s support and encouragement to call out this useless POS and fight the travesty of his being rewarded by the system for being a potentially homicidal psychopath. I’m grateful to everyone for this, because it’s given me the courage to actually take this thing and run with it.

The first thing I need to do is contact the newspapers, either by writing a letter about this outrage or better, finding a sympathetic reporter to write up the story. I could also write a letter describing this travesty to politicians who would be sympathetic to my case. It was pointed out to me that conservatives would have a field day with this, which is very funny to me because I’m anything but a conservative. But hey, whatever works.

Since some of you asked, let me give a few details about why the sperm donor gets disability income. He has Type II diabetes, knee problems (he has trouble with his joints and kneecaps), and a host of mental disorders: he has been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and schizophrenia. Depression and anxiety are legitimate diagnoses, but PTSD is highly questionable and I know for a fact he does not have schizophrenia. He is a good actor and faked psychotic symptoms after his second rejection so he would qualify for a guaranteed income and never have to work a day in his life again. He’s actually a highly malignant psychopathic narcissist who is very intelligent but has zero insight. If you were to call him a narcissist, he would deny it or get angry. In fact, he’s very quick to call everyone else a narcissist, including me. If you asked him, he would probably tell you I abused him, and that’s why he has PTSD. In fact, he has said that. He’s a virtuoso at projection and the most skilled gaslighter I’ve ever known, bar none.

My father called him evil long before it even occurred to me that’s what he was. When he sent me M. Scott Peck’s “People of the Lie” back in 2005, before our divorce went through, he sent it with a note telling me to read it because it was about my ex husband. (I also discovered my mother in that book, and this horrified me but I knew it was true.)

It’s outrageous that this monster is faking psychotic symptoms and being rewarded for it. It’s outrageous that he claims to be a victim of narcissistic abuse with me as the narcissist. It’s beyond outrageous that he will be able to live comfortably, get full health coverage, and never have to work a day in his life and have plenty of disposable income from the back pay he is getting for the seven years he lived on my couch smoking weed and making troll posts on political websites while I worked my butt off to support him. It’s infuriating that while he lives the high life on his handouts, I will continue to be poor, struggling the pay the bills every month on my tiny income, not having any health insurance, and God forbid should I become disabled or ill, because there is no one who would or could take me in should that happen. If I get sick or disabled, I’ll be out on the streets. Getting disability requires that you do not work during the review process, which can take years. You need someone to support you during that time. If it weren’t for my allowing this malignant POS to freeload off me for seven years, that’s what would have happened to him. Oh, I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you.

Just writing this has made me angry. Dwelling too much on anger can cause bitterness and misery, but there is healthy anger too–righteous anger caused by realizing you have been had and are the victim of blatant injustice. Sitting around stewing about it can eat away at your soul, but anger can also be the impetus to get out there and make a stand. It’s the same sort of righteous anger that gave me the courage to finally kick out the psychopath when he physically attacked my daughter last year.

Standing up for my rights against a sick system that rewards evil and just plain laziness is a daunting prospect, to say the least, but I think maybe God is testing my courage and ability to make a stand. He knows I’m ready for this because I’ve let go of most of my fear. There’s always a reason for everything.

Fear is the only thing that holds us back from claiming our rights.

I think I’m ready to kick some narc ass.

ETA: I have one request for those of you who have Facebook accounts. Please share this on your timeline. I don’t dare post this on my FB account because it might be seen by him or people who know him, including my kids. But I’d like to get this out there to as many people as possible. Thanks!

So my psychopathic sperm donor’s being rewarded for being “homicidal”–WTF?

Posted on March 25, 2015 by luckyotter

Apparently, we live in a society that REWARDS a psychopathic malignant narcissist for being a potential homicidal maniac.

The latest on my MN sperm donor’s disability case is that his PAYMENTS WILL BE INCREASED BY ABOUT 100% due to his being deemed TOO HOMICIDAL to be employable. The HUGE irony here is that it was because of the restraining order I filed on him in February of 2014 due to his physically attacking my daughter that this has been determined.

So when all is said and done, he’s going to be bringing in about $400 a month more than I make a month for WORKING MY ASS OFF just to sit around at home DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but making everyone around him miserable.

This on top of the nearly $30K he is getting in BACK DISABILITY PAYMENTS for all the years he freeloaded off me.

Do I get anything out of this? HELLS TO THE NO, I don’t. I only get the “satisfaction” of seeing this pathetic, useless malignant narcissist PSYCHOPATH rake in enough cash to be able to live quite comfortably, largely due to my being a codependent doormat for years and then standing up for myself.

Oh, and get this. He’s talking about the new car he’s going to buy when I don’t even earn enough to get my own 14 year old car a tuneup.

What the actual f*ck?

This loser should be in fucking JAIL, not being REWARDED financially for being a potentially murderous psychopathic sicko. This ridiculous excuse for a human being sits around getting high all day and trolling political websites (yes, he is one of those Internet trolls we all hate) and no matter what he does or doesn’t do, everything ALWAYS works out for this sorry POS, while I always have to STRUGGLE MY ASS OFF.

Sorry about the expletives, but I’m so mad right now I want to go break something.
His disordered swelled head, maybe?

Only in America, folks. Your tax dollars at work. (No, I am not a Republican btw).

WHERE IS THE FUCKING JUSTICE?????

Aspie obsessions.

Posted on March 12, 2015 by luckyotter

One of the most pervasive and common behaviors of people with Aspergers is their tendency to focus intensely on one or two narrow subjects at a time. Aspies become obsessed with a topic and when their knowledge about it is sated, they move on to the next obsession. This obsession could take the form of a hobby, an intense scientific or artistic interest, or an intellectual interest in something weird or obscure (Aspie obsessions aren’t usually about “normal” things), or even interest in a person.

I really hate it when people tell me they’re worried about me because of my obsessiveness. I know the concern is meant well and I appreciate it, but it makes me feel embarrassed and self conscious. It makes me question and second guess myself and makes me worry that other people might think I’m crazy. I’m really not that crazy. I have my share of mental issues (mostly caused by my abusers), but I’m not about to jump off a bridge or start raving about the FBI or thinking I’m Napoleon. I’m just an obsessive Aspie. I can’t help being this way, and for me, it’s perfectly normal. I’m comfortable with it. I wish neurotypicals could be comfortable with it too, and realize it’s not a bad thing or something to worry about.

I’ve always had a lot of obsessions, about a lot of things which have little to do with each other (though sometimes one can lead to another), and none of them have ever killed me. I mostly enjoy my obsessions as long as they last. My brain is wired differently than a neurotypical brain, so the way we think can seem alien, weird, or even crazy to someone who does not have Aspergers.

I’m also a Myers-Briggs INFJ (introverted-iNtuitive-feeling-judging) which means my normally intellectual obsessions sometimes take on an emotional aspect. I think that’s the part that bothers people. But again, this is normal for my INFJ personality type and I never let it get out of control. I developed a pretty good braking mechanism.

So please stop worrying about me. Concern over my grip on reality or whatever makes me feel crazier than any of my obsessions ever have.

I think all my followers and commenters are amazing people. Please don’t take this rant personally; it applies to people offline too. If you have said it to me I understand and appreciate your concern. I know you mean well, but please just stop worrying.