Narcissists are predators, but they can be turned into prey fairly easily. Here’s a quick field guide to the most common types of narcissists you may find out in the wilderness of real life. Binoculars are good to have on hand to spot them, but make sure you keep yourself camouflaged well and carry the weapon of Truth. Truth to a narc is like garlic to a vampire–they will run faster than Montezuma’s Revenge.
It’s easy to learn how to identify the subspecies of common narcissists by using this Field Guide to help you identify the most common types, their preferred habitat, and chosen source of supply (food). They can all be either male or female, but where a particular gender is more commonly seen, it will be indicated in the subspecies description.
1. Narcissus grandiosis.
N. grandiosis is the “classic”, grandiose, aggressively ambitious (and often successful) narcissist. Usually male but there are many females too. N. grandiosis is full of himself, boasts about his achievements, uses and consumes others to get ahead, and the only emotion they show is rage and occasional glee over their own greatness. A close subtype of N. grandiosis is N. grandiosis cerebrus. He is smarter than you and wants to make sure you and everyone else knows just how superior his mind is to the all the plebes like yourself.
Habitat: the corner office in big corporations, the political trail, Hollywood, Wall Street.
Preferred food: unassertive, codependent people they can boss around, impress, use, and have complete control over.
2. Narcissus coverticus vulnerabilis.
Looks can be deceiving. N. vulnerabilis may appear to be some other species of psychological or personality disorder. N. vulnerabilis is likely to be female (but not always). They seem almost cloyingly nice, but watch out–they are predators of the emotional vampire subspecies. They seem to have endless problems and misfortunes and emotional crises and expect you to ALWAYS be there for them. If you are not, they will sulk, whine, cry, give you the silent treatment, or tell everyone what a heartless, cold narcissist YOU are. Or make endless excuses why the advice you give them will NEVER work. Eventually, they will suck away your soul until you’re as down and out as they are. They’re going down and taking you with them.
Habitat: Unemployment and social service offices, food banks, therapist’s offices, your couch, your bed.
Preferred food: Highly empathetic people, people working in the helping professions.
3. Narcissus religiosis.
N. religiosis is likely to be female, but don’t be fooled. Males often rise to positions of leadership in churches, at which point they can be easily confused with N. grandiosis (a subspecies who may share their habitat). N. religiosis is always holy, always pious, always reads their Bible and attends church (or other place of worship) whenever they can, and is always right. They love to lord their self-righteousness over those they deem unworthy of salvation, and secretly desire to be Gods themselves. If anyone tells you you’re going to hell for believing what you believe, you are looking at a N. religiosis. Many of this subspecies are hypocritical and don’t practice what they preach.
Habitat: Churches, synagogues, religious events. They are also common on the political trail and can be spotted on school boards trying to get certain books or the teaching of sex education or evolution banned.
Preferred food: The unworthy, the ungodly, the sinful, all atheists and agnostics, or anyone who doesn’t believe exactly as they do.
4. Narcissus generosa.
This subspecies can fool you because they appear to be so giving. N. generosa is usually female. They are big givers to charitable organizations and causes and loudly talk about how much they gave. They don’t really care about helping others–they are doing it to impress you with how altruistic and selfless they are. N. generosa gets a huge dose of narcissistic supply when others are impressed by their giving nature and makes sure you know about all those other times they gave selflessly too. N. generosa is often the long-suffering female relative, often a mother, who endlessly reminds you how much they have done for you and what a martyr they have been for doing so.
Habitat: Charitable events and meetings, volunteer organizations, church groups, the kitchen (slaving away to cook dinner for you). They have also been spotted in hospitals, spending time with the sick and disabled.
Preferred food: The poor, the sick, the disabled, the down on their luck, the very young and old, and vulnerable prey of all kinds.
5. Narcissus minimus.
N. minimus may be a hybrid species because they show fewer traits of the Narcissus species. The only subspecies who may have the ability to become a member of Homo sapiens with the appropriate care and feeding. They may have narcissistic traits and act arrogant and full of themselves, but have small levels of empathy and a slight ability to feel bad about their predatory behaviors.
Preferred food: N. minimus can survive on a low calorie diet and can go for long periods without food at all, although they would prefer to have a more frequent diet, and are willing to hunt for their prey, although with less aggression than the other subspecies.
6. Narcissus hypochondrosis.
N. hypochondrosis can be male or female. They are always sick or complaining about their endless ailments. Their chronic fake maladies make it possible for them to get supply from others in the form of medical or nursing care, or just the sympathy they crave. Being “sick” so often also frees them from the need to have to work for a living, because, you see, they are too sick. N. hypochondrisis is often a hybrid type combined with N. parasitis. Also known by their alternative name, N. Malingerosa. Being “sick” could also mean they “suffer” from a nonexistent mental disorder such as schizophrenia or Bipolar. Because they are “crazy,” this gives them carte blanche to treat you in whatever shabby manner they desire and exempts them from societal expectations to treat others with respect and manners.
Habitat: Doctor’s offices, hospital emergency rooms, at home in bed, at home in your bed or on your couch.
Preferred food: The sympathetic and people pleasing, the nurturing, nurses and doctors.
7. Narcissus parasitis.
Closely related to N. hypochondronsis and N. coverticus vulnerabilis, N. parasitis seems meek and unassuming. But she will eat you alive in her neverending quest for nurturing, sympathy, a bed to sleep in, free access to your home, fridge and bank account, and an aversion to having to hunt for their own food.
Habitat: Your home and your entire life.
Preferred food: codependent and people-pleasing people, the generous, the softhearted, the maternal, or anyone who can be easily manipulated and used.
8. Narcissus psychopathis dangerosa.
N. psychopathis dangerosa is also known as the malignant narcissist, or sometimes, psychopath. Many are hybrid with Antisocialis dangerosa. These are the most aggressive and dangerous predators in the narcissist kingdom, and will stop at nothing to get what they want, even if it means they have to kill you to get it. Some enjoy the means to that end, and others just do what they have to do to get their fix of supply. To them, you are no better than common housefly and they will think nothing of swatting the life out of you.
Habitat: Everywhere. While not the most common subspecies, they have no preferred habitat. However, prisons and jails seem to have a surplus of this subspecies.
Preferred food: Everyone who appears to be “weaker” or nicer than they are, which means almost everybody. They will avoid other individuals of their own subtype, however.
9. Narcissus somaticus histrionicus.
Here we find the Somatic subtype of narcissist. These predators care only about their physical appearance, and like a cat, will preen and primp all day if they weren’t required to also hunt to survive. They are much better looking and enjoy much better health than you, you ugly piece of garbage. If you fail to give them the attention they deserve, expect a vicious attack.
Habitat: gyms, health clubs, the beach (to show off their perfect bodies), in front of a camera, especially their own. They have perfected the skill of taking the Selfie to a fine art form.
Preferred food: Anyone who fawns over how beautiful or handsome they are and worships them for the gods and goddesses they are.
10. Narcissus borderlinensis.
N. borderlinensis is another hybrid type, with Borderline traits. N. borderlinensis is emotionally unstable, moody, and prone to frequent rages and temper tantrums. It’s surprising this subspecies hasn’t gone extinct yet, since so many of them display self destructive tendencies and are prone to self-starvation, self-induced vomiting, using mind-expanding (or more likely mind numbing) substances, habitual risk taking, and other forms of self abuse. While these are dangerous predators, spotters have noticed when things are not going well for them, they are as likely to attack themselves as they are to attack you. Unlike most other subspecies, N. borderlinensis have been spotted apologizing for their actions.
Preferred food: Anyone they can take out their anger and bad temper on.
Make sure you come well armed with either of these two products to repel them.
Finally, it’s always prudent to remember this slogan–
Most important of all: the Truth will set you free and make the narcs flee!