Category Archives: humor

The worst toy I ever had.

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I dragged up this old post just in time for Christmas! No one seems to remember this toy. It’s not too hard to understand why.

Lucky Otters Haven

penny_the_poodle

Christmas, 1966.   For months I’d been begging my parents to buy me the hottest new toy the commercials were telling me I just had to have: a walking, barking dog called Penny the Poodle.  Even if you’re old enough to remember this horrible toy, you may not, because it was quickly forgotten after the initial pre-Christmas hype.    I’m sure millions of small children spent that Christmas Day in tears of disappointment and frustration when they realized Penny the Poodle did NOT live up to the hype.

Here’s the commercial, which in retrospect, was pretty creepy, even for those days:

I remember unwrapping the large box with joyful anticipation, ripping off the green and red foil paper and bows to reveal the “Penny the Poodle” logo and the see-through window on the side of the box that revealed Penny’s Pepto-Bismol pink head.

Eagerly, I pried her out of the…

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Seen on an NPD forum.

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picard-giggling

This was a real thread started on an NPD forum.

Fire your therapist! I cured myself of NPD in just three months! 

You can too!  I spent ten years in and out of therapists’s offices.  I was considered incurable and most of those therapists gave up on trying to cure me.   I was practically black-listed by the APA!    I didn’t want my narcissism anymore, but what could I do?   I was desperate! I had no choice but to cure myself, and I found out how to do it!  After months of study, I found a proven, simple, PAINLESS, 100% effective method of getting rid of NPD!  I cured myself of my NPD in only three months, and SO CAN YOU!    If you want your narcissism to leave you for good but are tired of being broke from the thousands of dollars you are forking over for know-nothing therapists who only want to line their pockets by making you feel worse, then you have NO EXCUSE not to order my proven ten step program which is GUARANTEED to cure you of NPD in 6 months OR LESS–FOREVER!  Unlike those ineffective shrinks who are getting rich off your pain, my method is FUN and PAINLESS!  

If for any reason, my proven method doesn’t work for you, I will cheerfully send you a FULL REFUND–no questions asked!  

*****

The ten step method was a set of 12 CD’s and a booklet for $300 (paid in monthly installments)  + shipping and handling

I wonder how many refunds this person had to “cheerfully” offer to gullible narcissists.

The thread was locked by a moderator for “spamming” and “shameless self promotion” as well as for “giving misleading information to the mentally ill.”

Spam, wonderful spam.

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spam-in-can

Most of my spam gets auto-deleted, but some still makes it through.   Here are a few new gems dug up from my spam folder.

 

I’m not even going to read this. The headline tells me enough, and it’s disgusting.

The headline referred to was my page called “Chicken Soup.”

*****

Why people stiⅼl mɑke usе oof to read news paperrs wɦᥱn in this technological globe the
ᴡhole thingg iѕ ɑvailable օn net?

How many times was this translated and from what obscure languages?

*****

Hi! This post could not be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate!
He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him.
Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

You can always tell a spam post because of how fake and contrived they sound.

*****

Hmm it seems like your blog ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any helpful hints for novice blog writers? I’d genuinely appreciate it.

What’s an aspiring blog blogger?

*****

Ay! I recognise this. Cramped space, reparations, irritations… and cats. Ayayay

WHAT?  (I like cats though.)

*****

Excellent site. Lots of useful indo here. I am sending it to
a few buddiies ans alsoo sharing iin delicious.
And naturally, thaks in yur sweat!

Spelchek iz yur frend.

 

 

 

 

An AutoZone commercial actually told me what was wrong with my car.

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check_engine
I know the watermarks on the black background kind of ruin the effect here, but it still made me scream with laughter when I saw it.

It’s hard to wrap my head around this, but a commercial actually solved a problem I was having.

Or might have.

About two weeks ago, I stupidly left the gas cap on the back of my car while I was filling up my tank and then forgot to screw it back on.  I decided, since there’s a little door over it and some kind of metal flap over the hole, that I didn’t need to go buy a new one.

Everything seemed fine until about 3 days ago, when that blasted “check engine” light came on.   I had flashbacks to when my dying Ford Taurus’s “check engine” light wouldn’t go off for over two years so every year at inspection time I had to go through the unbelievably complicated process of obtaining a waiver from the DMV and spend about $200 or more to get that waiver.

I fretted and fumed and gnawed at the hard keratinized skin on the sides of my fingernails over the sudden appearance of the “check engine” light. I prayed it wasn’t something like the cylinders misfiring, as was the case with the old Taurus I finally sold (that car had 6 cylinders and “ran” on about three of them).  But other than that unnerving engine light, everything seemed fine.   The engine wasn’t bucking or stalling or having trouble getting started in the morning and besides, a full tune up was done just before I bought this car last March (it’s a ’99 Toyota Corolla).

Yesterday on my way home, I heard an AutoZone commercial.  It empathized with me about how traumatizing the “check engine” light can be, and then it told me it could be caused by a missing gas cap.

Hearing that was like finding out that a swollen mole you thought might be cancer is just a garden variety mole with a pimple hiding under it.   Dare I hope?   I rushed over to the nearest AutoZone (there’s one on my corner) and approached a friendly looking staff member behind the counter.

“Is it really true a missing gas cap can cause my check engine light to go on?” I asked the man at the counter.  “Your commercial told me that’s what it could be.   Is it really true?” I continued, excitedly.  He must have thought I was a complete idiot but I didn’t care.  I just wanted my problem resolved and thought he might be my man.

“Yes, it’s true, because without it, oxygen can get into the fuel line and interfere with the engine’s running, ” the smiling (or was it smirking?)  clerk informed me.  Then he presented me with a new gas cap for my car’s model.   It came in a tiny little cardboard box and everything.   I was told I’d have to run the car for about 50-75 miles before I could expect to see the engine light go off.    In a day or so, I’ll let you know if it worked.

 

 

Annoying people who take pictures of their food.

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pizza

They’re everywhere.  They’re all over Facebook, they’re all over Twitter, they’re all over Pinterest.  They’re texting their mushroom and goat cheese manicotti at the table next to yours, they’re trying to show you their Tabouli salad with ginger vinagrette in the passenger seat while you’re driving in heavy traffic on the Interstate, they’re waving their Samsung Galaxy smartphone with its Pokemon motif wallpaper in your face demanding you look at the Beef Wellington or curried chicken with beet juice they had last night whose remains are now now probably being further broken down into their elements in the septic system.

Food pictures.  They’re the new “this is me at a party with my cool friends” pictures.   The cooler looking the food, the cooler people who post food photos think they are.

It’s an insidious illness, this obsession with showing off the edible substance you put in your mouth so your body can survive.   Now I’m doing it.  At least tonight I am.  Because  tonight I had the best pizza I’ve ever had outside of New York City.     One slice is as big as an entire pizza, big and oozing with cheese and tomato and dripping amber colored grease down your chin and onto your new Gap T-shirt and down your wrists into your sleeves.  And it was effing delicious.   It’s from a pizzeria called Four Brothers and they really are four brothers who run the place and they’re from Brooklyn.   That explains why it’s so good–and totally justifies my being an obnoxious, annoying “look what I just ate” jackass.  That’s my photo of it up there.

Fun with Spam

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spam

I’ve had my spam set to be automatically deleted for some time now, because I was just getting too much of it.   But WordPress still lets some spam come through.  Usually I just delete these without bothering to look at them, but sometimes I glance at them when I have nothing better to do.

Most of my spam comments are unreadable, as if they’ve been translated from Mandarin to Greek to Bulgarian to Bantu to Korean and then back into English by someone with third grade writing skills.   Or they’re so generic you’d know they’re spam even if they weren’t marked as spam because they could apply to any post–like the way newspaper horoscopes can apply to any zodiac sign.   I’m talking about this:

“Great article!  I’ll definitely bookmark this for future reference.”

Or they’re telling you all about how your Google ranking sucks and you need to purchase their SEO help.   I will never pay for SEO.   A little patience and dedication is all you need to get a decent search engine ranking.

The funniest ones are the ones that sound like they’ve been translated several times, and the subject matter is always completely random and has nothing to do with what you posted.   Here are two entertaining spam comments I’ll share before I delete them for good.

I agree with your statement because chapter 14 talks about how he wakes up every morning with a cheerful matter. when he so explains, ” To be awake is to be alive. I have never met a man who was quite awake.” Thoreau seems like a man with hope in nature. He  wakes up every morning and takes his time to observe the morning with a nature view.
adidas yeezy 350 boost low

I copied and paste the loader into the bin folder, ran it, got asked for license key, not sure what to do there, typed random things in didnt work either. Does the license key thing suppose to show up when you run the loader?

Here’s one of those generic spam comments.  What makes it hilarious is it was posted under a cartoon.

I think this article is very helpful for people,it has solved my problem,thanks!

Think stuff promoted to kids today encourage bad behavior? Think again.

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1938ad

If you think we’ve reached a pinnacle of questionable marketing to kids, check out this 1938 novelty catalog.  Almost every ad promotes antisocial behavior of some kind.    By the way, the website I found it on (retrospace.org) is incredibly addictive.   (That’s why I haven’t posted in almost 2 days!)

http://www.retrospace.org/2013/03/catalogs-31-irresponsible-1938-novelty.html#more

Narc chuckles.

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Admit it, narcissism can be funny!   I found a few new cartoons I haven’t seen before and thought I’d post ’em here.   Enjoy.    If you find them offensive, get over yourself 😉

narc_cartoon1

'Are you googling your own name again?'

‘Are you googling your own name again?’

narc_cartoon3

'That's enough about me, now let's concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?'

‘That’s enough about me, now let’s concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?’

narc_cartoon5

narc_cartoon6

narc_cartoon7

 

Geegaws, dingbats, doodads, moist and melty.

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geegaw_car
Credit: Magpie’s Nest / Car with lots of geegaws and doodads

I really don’t know why, but the words geegaws, doodads, and dingbats all crack me up. They are real words that can be found in the dictionary (and they all mean almost the same thing, although dingbats refers more to digital doodads and geegaws–or a scatterbrained or stupid person) but they still sound like jokes to me.

Dingbat can also refer to a type of cheaply built, flat-roofed apartment house common in southern California. Most dingbat houses come in pastel colors, have stucco fronts, and are adorned with a monogram or logo (such as the owner’s initials or a romantic sounding name like “Tropical Breeze,” “Sinking Ship,” or “Halfway House”).  The boxy structure overhangs a parking stall.  Some dingbats actually have a dingbat-like doodad stuck on the front like this one (but I don’t think that’s the reason they’re called dingbat houses).

dingbat-house

One word I think sounds really nasty and gross is “moist.”  Whenever I hear the word moist I feel like puking. Apparently I’m not alone though:  moist seems to stimulate gag reflexes everywhere because the way it sounds reminds moist most people of bodily functions.  Don’t tell me a cake is “moist”–I’ll probably spit it out at you.

moist_together

Some words are just plain annoying.  One “word” that comes to mind is “melty.”  I don’t even think it’s a real word, just a dumb adjective made up by advertisers for equally dumb consumers.   I will not eat “melty” cheese, bite into a “melty” sandwich, or be separated from my money for anything “melty.”   I hate that word.   So don’t use it in front of me.  Ever.  Please.

What are some words you have a visceral reaction to (disgust, laughter, annoyance, terror, etc.)?

Frozen account.

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ice-credit-card

From an actual conversation:

My son (to his roommate):
Why is there a debit card in the freezer?

Roommate:
The account’s frozen.