Show-off.

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showoff

Mood Swing

Pretend it’s 1995.

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1995

What???

I just saw this ad in my sidebar. It’s a real ad, not a joke.

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Remember when…

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34 rules for kick-ass writing.

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I didn’t make these rules; they come from this post. But they got a laugh from me and I hope you enjoy them too.

34 Rules For Kick ass Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet.

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One of my favorite websites is Cracked.com. Since I blog a lot about blogging, and “enjoy” bad blogs as much as the folks over at Cracked, I want to share this countdown with my interested readers. I’m well aware that by doing this, however, I’m guilty of being a “Parrot” (see #5), at least sometimes.

Let the laughs begin.

The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet
By Chris Bucholz, posted July 26, 2011 for Cracked.com

Back in 2007, when the Internet was young, a plucky and ambitious group of hellions going by the name “Cracked.com” launched a feature on their site called the Cracked Blog. There, an elite team of barely legal humorists posted their thoughts about themselves, the state of society and semi-popular television programming. It was, in every sense, marvelous — every word a bolt of golden silk, hanging in an eternal summer breeze. But time passed, and the bloggers started getting worn out, tired with the hectic pace of updating multiple times a day. They began writing longer posts that appeared less frequently, eventually shape-shifting into a MILF-ish group whom we now call the Cracked Columnists. By late 2008, the Cracked Blog was dead, a loss which would soon rattle the world’s economy to its core. But it turns out that despite Cracked’s wholesale abandonment of the medium, blogging didn’t die out at the same time. Since then, many different blogs have continued to thrive and evolve. There are blogs about video games and blogs about food, and even a blog where there are pictures of a cat saying things. This is all well and good, but unfortunately, not all blogs have achieved such lofty feats. Many, in truth, suck all sorts of balls. Below is a list of some of the worst examples of how the blog format has been misused.

#8: The “Let’s Start a Blog” Blog

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You know what these are like. The first post (which still hasn’t scrolled off the front page) says something like “Test” or “I Have A Blog!” The next three posts are a little less focused. And then nothing. It’s a problem of access, or too much of a good thing. A blog is a place to say something, and even though they’re freely available to anyone who can fog a mirror, this does not imply that all mirror-foggers have something to say.*

Read the rest of this post here.

How to write every Christmas song ever.

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Want to write a Christmas song? My son wrote up these 7 easy tips today for doing so.

1. Begin with sleigh-bells, fade in instrumentation and use sleigh bells as an accent. Fade out with sleigh bells.

2. Rhyme snow and mistletoe.

3. Rhyme “time of year” and “Christmas cheer”. Bonus points if it’s in the chorus.

4. Talk about the children and how happy or excited they are about this magical time of year. Do it at random for extra cringe.

5. Melodically, lyrically, or structurally rip off any holiday classic at some point throughout the song.

6. Sing about snow, even when you live in a hot area that doesn’t get snow.

7. Make it sound as in-front-of-the-fireplace-sipping-hot-cocoa cheesy as possible.

8. Be sure to use words like “holly”, “merry”, “cheer”, “tidings”, “jolly”, etc even if you’ve never once naturally used it in conversation.

It’s a cat-tastrophe!

My daughter posted this on her Facebook today. That’s her kitten Zelda up there at the top of the tree. Maybe she thinks she’s an angel. NOT! Click to enlarge.

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😆

Bad advice.

I am SO familiar with this…Don’t do it!

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