Why family scapegoats become lifelong victims.

I just watched a video that really hit home for me.

If you were scapegoated by your family, two things can happen. You can become a narcissist yourself (narcissism being an elaborate defense mechanism to avoid further hurt and abuse) or you will internalize the early message that you’re worthless, defective and have no rights. I’m going to talk about the second scenario because that’s what this video is about and it’s what happened to me.

As a scapegoat, you are trained to live in fear. You become afraid to defend yourself, express your opinions, or demand fair treatment. This attitude of worthlessness, fear and shame is carried into adult life. Other people can immediately sense you are a pushover and a magnet for abuse, rejection, and bullying, and you become a target for abuse by others well into adult life.

You can become a lifelong victim unless you find a way to break the pattern. It’s difficult to unlearn, because it was established so early in life by the narcissistic parent.

Golden children, who more closely resemble the narcissistic parent or provide them with narcissistic supply (adulation), are more likely than scapegoats to become narcissists themselves. They will often become the aging narcissistic parent’s flying monkeys against the scapegoated adult child, continuing the family pattern of abuse.

Scapegoated children are the family shock absorbers. They are the children who have been assigned to absorb and internalize the narcissistic parents’ rage and to mirror back what has been projected onto them.

scapegoat_child

This is exactly what happened to me. Although because I was an only child I sometimes served the Golden Child role, for the most part I was the scapegoat. My Aspergers and high sensitivity made me even more perfect for that role.

Today I’m the black sheep and the “loser” of my family. I’m never included in family functions because of my poverty and the fact I’m “different” than the rest of them. Although they disapprove of me, I really became exactly what they needed me to be. My becoming a “loser” ensured they would always be winners.

I’ve been disinherited because they believe I’m undeserving, a shameful blemish on the family’s “good name,” further guaranteeing I will always remain poor and therefore powerless–unless I hit the lottery (which I don’t play) or write a book, which I plan to do. The irony of all that is the book may very well be one that exposes the people who raised me for what they really are.

I’ve always been a risk-averse, avoidant underachiever. My dealings with others have suffered because of my fear of the judgment of other people. I was often bullied as a child and teenager.

I married a narcissistic man and continued to live with him and allow his abuse even years after we were divorced.

Although as an adult I’m no longer bullied (and am Very Low Contact with my ex), people still try to push me around, treat me like a mental defective, leave me out of conversations, overlook me for promotions or raises at work, or just talk over or look through me as if I’m not there at all. When I say something, people act like they don’t hear me. It’s very hard for me to make friends or fight back when I need to because I was trained from an early age to be so very afraid of everyone. I’m the proverbial shrinking Violet and wallflower–the kind of woman my mother used to mock for being so “insipid.” I seem to have the opposite of charisma.

For many years I walked around as if ashamed to be alive. I carried shame with me like a heavy burden that affected the way I spoke, the way I related, the way I thought (all the negative self-talk and self-hate), even the way I moved and carried myself. I embarrassed myself.

Since I started writing, I’ve learned that I wasn’t put on earth as an example to others of how not to be (I actually used to believe this), but that God gave me these challenges and this life to teach me valuable things about myself–but that waking up to who God meant for me to be was going to be hard, painful work. I don’t live in self-pity: my narcissists have been my teachers.

One day I dream that people offline will know who I really am. That I have a personality. That I’m funny and intelligent. That I have opinions of my own, and that I am actually good at things. But more than anything else, that I have a finely tuned bullshit detector–a gift unintentionally bequeathed to me by my narcissists, and it’s a gift more priceless than any amount of money I may have inherited.

This video will explain why what narcissistic parents do to their own offspring is nothing less than soul murder.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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89 Responses to Why family scapegoats become lifelong victims.

  1. Joan S says:

    Me too, I had to miss out so much of life, because I was basically ashamed to be alive. But for my mother, she was a feeder of fear. It was like a T-bone steak for her, and she trained me to be in fear. Its weird how she acted like the devil. Even the devil does that.

    And after we have moved away from them we continue to be the nipple that narcs come to to be fed. One method of trying to escape is locating and trusting your true authentic self. That self that won’t allow this behaviour from others or myself. And trying to stay true like that is very hard.

    Liked by 6 people

    • luckyotter says:

      It is very hard to stay true to yourself–if you ever even find who yourself is. If you do, you keep being drawn back to your old ways like a moth to a flame. That’s why I had to disconnect. In my mother’s presence I still felt off balance and like a tiny scared child, even into my 50s. It was pathetic. I don’t hate her and it’s not punishment. I wish we could have a relationship. But I just can’t do that anymore. I feel scared even writing about this because I know she might see it. I can’t let it stop me.

      Liked by 4 people

      • Joan S says:

        No, its good to let it out and breathe fresh air. More acknowledgement of the truth is like a ticket to better mental health. Its what I call my freedom ticket.

        Liked by 4 people

      • Anonymous please says:

        Very true. It’s very sad that as we age we cannot have positive relationships with our family (parents, siblings, etc.). I moved 1500 mies away and though much of the emotional pain was mitigated every time my mother calls I am anxiety ridden – all she talks about is my “golden child” sister – at that point I have to say” I have to go and hang up”. My story is long and painful much like many with narcissistic families. I was “never good enough”.

        Liked by 3 people

      • frozeroze says:

        I am in that boat myself. My dad died 5 months ago, but I have found that I can’t maintain contact with my mom and maintain my sanity at the same time.

        Like

        • Anon says:

          My father (loving) also died. Thing became so much worse as she (narc-mum) didn’t have him to behave for. But it was also a blessing as I no longer needed to protect him from how shameful I am and that was the gateway to my escape.
          Recently had a flying monkey (golden child-emotionally dependent on narc-mum) with a very obvious hoovering attempt via my (non-embroiled) husband.
          But, as I journal & read books at home I’m able to revisit and realize just how far I’ve come.
          My biggest motivation when I’m in a fog is the true duty I have to protect my children and my husband, therefore myself (I still come last, but not because someone else puts me there in my new family).
          Never give up.

          Liked by 3 people

      • Aspie loner says:

        I’m an aspie and just got disowned by my narc father in the middle of me battling a depression and unemployment. He never approached me or asked me if I were fine or not or if I needed his spiritual help or not. He said my aspergers and depression aren’t real and just an excuse to leech off him (never got a cent from him anyway, nor did I ever asked). He said that I will never amount to anything in life the way I am.

        He never approached me to “disown” me. He just blurted it out during a family gathering while fumbling with stuff, not even looking me the face or eyes. Apparently me talking to my sister and stopping and leaving after seeing him arrive ticked him off (I really didn’t wanna be around him anyway).When I asked why can’t you look me in the eyes and have a proper conversation his answer was: “Common courtesies like that are reserved for decent people. You are scum.”

        Mind you, the man never spent time to know me. He was never there as a father figure. But at least he put food on the table and I am forever indebted to him because of that as he was sure to point out every time we “clash”. Can’t remember the last time we had a friendly conversation.

        I feel so elated now. I’ve always known and instinctively stayed away from him. Especially after he kicked me out of the house for 3 days in grade 9 after not scoring enough to please him. But now I can officially bail out of that toxic relationship since he said “there is no return”. Uhm, how could I “return” to something that was never there to begin with?

        Liked by 3 people

        • luckyotter says:

          Aspie loner,
          That is truly horrible. I know (and understand) how you feel about the “elation”, which is really just the relief of closure. It feels kind of good to have closure, even if the circumstances, like these, are awful. You always knew your father was an evil person and the worst kind of narcissist, but without this hateful behavior on his part, you probably felt some guilt going no contact or avoiding him, but now you no longer have to feel bad about that. He doesn’t deserve someone like you.

          Still, I know his horrible words must hurt, even if you already knew that’s how he felt. The man is a soulless monster to hate his own child so much, but he hates you because you are probably the truth teller of the family–that means either the one who notices the truth about MNs like him and don’t drink the family koolaid. They hate those that speak the truth, even when its their own children.
          You aren’t alone. My story is similar, though my being disowned was never stated as bluntly or cruelly as yours was. Many if not most survivors of narcissistic parents have similar tales to tell. And to think I thought I was alone! Thank God for the Internet.

          I’m glad you found closure but can’t say I’m glad about the way you described it happened. Still, it’s good you are able to move on from that toxic parent now. He doesn’t know or care how much HE doesn’t deserve YOU.
          I’ll keep you in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing.

          Like

          • Aspie loner says:

            You’re so right about the koolaid. When that disowning happened the family members present (all women) were dead silent. No one uttered a word. I’m not sure if it’s shock or they thought better not to. After being disowned I turned to them and asked “Am I really such scum?” All of them avoided eye contact and didn’t answer.

            After my father left my mum went into the usual “it’s all my fault” mode. It’ scary how she’s conditioned into that. So I snapped her out of it and we had a long talk. We recalled the old days when he told us we were ingrates and threatened to throw us out. My mum back then thought she had to find an apartment for her and me since we were such unworthy ingrates. She held on to the marriage so that I can have a whole a family. So I pointed out all these ordeals weren’t her fault. How can things be so 1 sided? So were all these rage episodes our faults? Were we such bad people?

            My old man sure has a talent to make people around him feel worthless. He himself apparently could do no wrong. But it was my ability to connect with my mum and sis on a genuine level irked him the most. How can I, a “scumbag” have a honest relationship with his family members while they go into acting mode around him? How come they open up with me but never towards him? Simple, I can listen without judging and I encourage instead put down. For example, there was one time in elementary school I told him about being bullied a lot. His answer: “With grades like yours no wonder”. My grades were mostly Bs. And since when do grades have to do with bullying? Needless to say I never opened up to him again.

            He doesn’t know me nor does he really knows what aspergers is. Yet I still come away from this with a certain degree of self doubt. Encounters with him leaves my mum and I questioning our own beings. I sure made many social mistakes in the past that embarrassed him in front of his peers and made him lose face. I never got the unspoken cue that life around him is an act and I’m expected to play my part. No one ever instructed me. In a way life around neurotypicals are plays and rituals require acting skill as well. I never knew of that back then. And after all besides a few good friends I don’t know a lot of people. So when my own father says I’m a scumbag and do not deserve courtesies it hits close to home. What if people misunderstand my social clumsiness for malice? What do I have to fix? I wish at least my old man was constructive. But besides the usual “selfish, ungrateful, inconsiderate” he didn’t have any fatherly counsel to offer.

            I hope I didn’t get too exited someone actually listens and empathizes with me and unloaded too much info at once. I’m still getting the hang of the turn taking in conversational communication. Thank you again for listening.

            Liked by 1 person

      • Delia says:

        can I help you with that?

        I have a huge Rage in me after what the Psycho Nex I can beat the sh***outta someone right now in no time !!! 😄

        LOL 😀 just joking. but not realy haha 😛 they would surely deserve IT!!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Very well-written. I was a (very late) diagnosed aspie/autistic who was from an NPD scapegoat family. (age 60) My wife Lee and I have followed your blog. Very well-written and informative. I think the more info we get, the more empowerment we get/and become less victimized. That takes time (a lot) but seems to happen.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Alaina says:

    This post is brilliant. Insightful and very well written. I can’t wait to read your book.

    Being made the scapegoat from a very young age really skews your personality development. If the foundation for a house is crooked, the whole thing will be off.

    During our developmental years, we learn who we are and how we fit into society from the way we are treated by our primary caretakers. It is really hard to unlearn that early programming.

    Liked by 8 people

  3. lynettedavis says:

    “As a scapegoat, you are trained to live in fear. You become afraid to defend yourself, express your opinions, or demand fair treatment. This attitude of worthlessness, fear and shame is carried into adult life. Other people can immediately sense you are a pushover and a magnet for abuse, rejection, and bullying, and you become a target for abuse by others well into adult life.” This is it in a nutshell. We’re trained not to defend ourselves because it was easier for our NP to manipulate us, which left us totally defenseless even in adulthood, like babes being thrown to the wolves. It’s a sad situation because it takes many of us a lifetime just to be able to recognize what happened to us, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to rebuild. Many of us, however, will never be able to regain any sense of family from our immediate family or any relatives, for that matter, because our NP has convinced everyone that it’s us, instead of accepting responsibility for their own actions. Still, I’d rather live in truth, than live a lie, any day. I thank God for this blog (and others like it). It’s encouraging when I hear that the scapegoat is actually the healthiest of the family. By the way, who is speaking in he video?

    Liked by 5 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Yes, even if we are able to pick up the pieces (and I am far from done with that), it really hurts that we are not included in the family and are thought of by EVERYONE as The Problem, meanwhile your narc parent gets to hold court with all her extended family. You feel like such an outcast. And the shame doesn’t just go away even after you go No Contact. The damage they did to us stays with us for a long time, it’s as if they are still watching and judging.

      Liked by 4 people

      • lynettedavis says:

        I so agree with you here. It’s as though we can never get away from their probing eyes. About being written out of wills because we are “undeserving.” I don’t think that we were ever written into their wills. Scapegoats almost never inherit anything from NPs, Sometimes rejection is really protection. At least now we have to live in a diabolical web of deceit and manipulation.

        Liked by 3 people

      • Dawn says:

        YES Luckyotter!!!! EXACTLY!

        Liked by 1 person

    • Dawn says:

      So true Lynette!!!! I am shouting over here! I thought I was alone and no one understood what it was like. God bless you!!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Megan says:

    Wow. Just forced myself to watch the video. It was helpful for me because it touched on the more kids situation. I am the youngest of 3. My GC brother is 6 years older. My Scapegoat sister is 8 years older. So I got the joy of starting out as a GC – (what a wonderful surprise – another baby) – but then stubbornly remained a girl (sorry) – that had needs and (gasp) opinions – Voila! Scapegoat 2! (Especially since my sister was escaping the hell – they needed a replacement.)

    In my case the overt Narc was/is my father. Still not sure what to “label” my mother? But anyway – it was interesting to listen to the video. To hear about all the signs that are available. And all the ways that it affects us forever. I teared up a few times as I nodded in agreement. My husband and I were even talking the other day about how none of us 3 kids lived up anywhere near to our potential. I’m working on changing that at least for me!

    Thank you for finding and sharing everything. I have also been tossing around the idea of writing a book. But first, I need to get over the reasons that I never could or should… “YOU can’t write a book! No one will read it. Do you really think that you’re smart enough to write a book?” *smirk* 😛

    Liked by 3 people

    • dennis says:

      Want to write? All you need is 1) something to write with / on; and 2) something to write about. Sounds like you got #2 – which is the tough one.

      All it then takes is time, effort, and dedication.

      Getting published (formally) is another matter – it usually requires a certain level of social accumen (or an incipient personality disorder…)

      You want examples (for encouragement, perhaps?) ‘Fall was the chilling time…’

      Liked by 1 person

  5. frozeroze says:

    This is so close to what my life has been like! I have one autistic sister, so I was a golden child/scapegoat. When I was the golden child, I was told about all of the wonderful things I could accomplish. Then they would wait for the tiniest mistake and rage against me. Or when I was successful at something, dad would point out something else I should be doing, and forget making good grades, because, according to my dad, only unimaginative automatons do that. Dad told me I was very attractive to the boys at school, until he propositioned me and I refused. Then he told me I would be more attractive if I took ballet. Mom complained bitterly about taking me to ballet classes. Decades later, mom and I find out that my dad had been molesting my sister for 20 years. I was a golden scapegoat, and a decoy. Your are so right about the guilt, fear and shame we are programmed to feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. luckyotter says:

    Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:

    I thought it seemed like a good time to post this again.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dawn says:

    This article is spot on! I was raised by narcissistic parents. My mother was the worst of the two. I was never loved or supported….just tolerated….on the good days. I can relate to all of your experiences….as they have been my same experiences. Thank you for your courage. It is healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. dallison says:

    Just found this blog and enjoyed reading this entry. Scapegoats are not clone and drone type “followers”. Sensitive, most likely (which makes them easy targets) but deep down in the core, very strong individuals. The hardest lesson is to not let the bullies and drones define you. Your own worth is such a difficult thing to unearth in the absence of validation…but the sweet, incredible flip-side of this is: Once you get there…just think of the possibilities. You’ll likely never want to make anyone feel the way the bullies and drones have made you feel. Rather than ostracizing, excluding, blatant or passive-aggressive bullying– you have such power to build others (especially with your super-power ability to recognize other “targets”). One of the biggest things the bullies and drones have absolutely no power over…is the way you make others feel. Rather than being a Passive Bystander in someone’s nightmare, you can be the Super-Hero who helps them heal.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lian says:

    I learned about narcissist personality disorder a year or so ago after googling several phrases related to evil mothers, crazy mothers, etc. and was amazed and relieved to discover this explanation that so perfectly explained my mother and the scapegoat role I had in the family – I search for these posts because it does give me strength to know that I am not alone in this.

    Your description of yourself – risk averse, avoidant underachiever, the black sheep, the loser, ashamed to be alive – fits so well how I’ve always thought of myself. It is so sad. I am so sorry you were raised to be this way, and sorry that I was too. I am even sorry for my mother, because the best she could do with her life was to nurture pain and humiliation and create a legacy of misery for her family.

    I rarely see money discussed in most posts and comments I’ve read. You touch on it a little, mentioning you’ve been disinherited and are poor (I was told I’d never inherit a thing – OK with it, because I can’t bear to be beholden to her for a thing). Too many co-dependent people seem to be financially dependent on their NPD parent or spouse. Money is another tool of control. It keeps you under the thumb – a very bad place to be. I was not able to walk away from my family until I had the confidence of FU money (google it). It took years to do – I don’t make much, had lots of debt and didn’t save when young. It’s only enough to support a very frugal, simple life, but it made me free.

    Good luck to you with your book – hope you are richly rewarded for it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Lian, thank you so much for your comments. I’m sorry you had to go through that kind of insidious and cruel abuse too, but it does feel kind of good to know we’re not alone, doesn’t it? Until I discovered the narcissistic abuse community, I always thought I was the only person in the world who was treated this way by their own family.
      Welcome aboard and hope you keep commenting!

      Like

  10. nowve666 says:

    It’s not “soul murder.” Your soul is alive and well. I think only the person with the soul can murder their own souls by doing something that radically goes against their values.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Elaine says:

    Thank you for your blog. I can completely relate. And how great that you are writing about it.
    Many people have told me that I should write about my experience (including my therapist), but I lack the initiative that you so eloquently explain (the risk aversion, etc.) or I am just too damned lazy and/or depressed to do so, which is why I admire what you are doing. I will continue to follow your writings, and get your book….

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Please do continue to follow my writings 🙂
      You don’t have to blog publicly. You can start a blog and set it to private (for your eyes only) and later, if you feel courageous, you could make it public. Or just journal–either in an old fashioned notebook (pick a pretty one that speaks to you) or on WordPad. Writiing everything down is incredibly therapeutic. It has been for me.
      Keep talking to your therapist of course. But I think it’s a good idea even if you don’t show it to anyone. Just write down whatever comes to mind and don’t hold anything back. If you know only you (and maybe your therapist) will be reading it, you can be more courageous in what you write about. It gets easier over time.
      Good luck with everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Unisus says:

    Hi LuckyOtter! Your article rings true with me; I suffered a similar life journey, with Asperger’s & such; I really appreciate you taking the time to write this article as your vulnerability is so honest.
    I write a number of articles about the scapegoating in our culture that you might benefit from, from the experience of someone perpetually victimized. http://lioness.love
    Here is a good article: http://lioness.love/apocalypse/thors_hammer/justice/demons/devilish_scapegoating

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you, and I’m sorry you have been victimized too. I actually found out I don’t have Aspergers, but thought I did for a long time. I do have traits similar to Aspergers though, due to several personality disorders, especially Avoidant PD. I’ll definitely check out your link and thanks for sharing this.

      Like

  13. Jade says:

    Thankyou for sharing, I can relate like all the people here to this, now in my forties, the sixth child born out of seven siblings, always the person who every single sibling has had a problem with, it struck me just days ago how this all came about and why this is the case, I was always the one told by my dear Mother who was a very good woman right up until her death in 2011, that
    You were spoilt by your father until the age of two and that is why certain of your siblings do not get along with you.
    That when you started school at age four and a half and turning five in the January, you started to play up not wanting to go to school, so your father would say to you ‘if I give you two cents, will you go, and then you for that week started to put your hand out each morning, for the two cents, so I told your father, I also refuse to get out my bed until you pay me to do the housework so that stopped and he gave you a beating instead’ (the school was 30km away and I can recall I was afraid of not knowing where to get the bus in the afternoon.
    ‘It was always said you the friendly child out of the seven and the better looking one, but you must not think you are, if you look at your profile you have a flat face’
    ‘Your brother the youngest of the seven has a problem with you, because when you were two and he was one, if he did something wrong he got a smack from your father but you at two got away with it, and yes then afterwards your father had had a guts full of you, so from after the age of two you would get the belt, the wooden brush, the fly swatter and wooden spoon because you were darn cheeky’
    Don’t get me wrong I had a good mother and I loved her, but she clearly now thinking back had a problem with these issues, she listened until her death to my youngest brother, if he and his wife said jump, she would. I never heard the words I LOVE YOU from either of my parents until I was in my twenties, my father just before he died, and my mother only when I said it.
    One can sometimes not face reality and you in denial, as the years went by, I was a very insecure girl, although friendly and sure outspoken, I was a hardworker, after matriculating I had many failed relationships with boys, I was told sex was a sin before marriage, so I never let a guy touch me even on my leg, I waited until i was married, my only sister only ever had one boyfriend the man she married who is very good to her. On her wedding day, I had just come out of hospital after having major surgery a week before, I was told by my brothers and mother and father ‘hurry up and help her like a bridesmaid should’, (she is five years older than me) I had had abdominal surgery, cut open like a person undergoing a hysto to have a massive tumour removed from my one ovary, I can recall she broke her nail and immediately threw a tantrum before the wedding, my siblings turned to me and said ‘its your fault you so f jealous, because you thought you would be married before her because everyone says you the good looking one, have you got a mirror, I was eighteen and I got slapped across the face by my one brother, while thee other siblings looked on. There were several incidences, I got kicked to the ground, while my one sister in law stood looking as my father and one brother after we had had a argument about him accusing me of just picking up his child without his permission, saying I could drop the child, I told him to ‘stuff off’ those exact words, for that I was severly beaten, I got beaten up by the youngest brother while my mother stood looking on, because I told him to get lost, I went to work with a blackeye covered by sunglasses telling people I had an eye infection, my mother said “you know his temper you need to keep quiet no matter what’ I was told when I met my ex husband this is the man for you, forget those losers who are interested in you even if they have good jobs they hippies, his our religion, he has a good job, you marry him and leave those others who smoke and drink and have punk hairstyles, guys who turned out perfectly ok later in life, not that I found anything wrong with the fact they had those habits and hairstyles, I was always the compassionate one and caring one, but I was told your doing this for a reason, for your own self gain, what do you want. Then the sister in laws joined in and my brother in law, to this day they talk to me like dirt. The man I married seemed nice, after the ring was on my finger, he has never stopped abusing me. He left us in a strange town, when my sons were two and five years old, I raised them alone. But I had peace even though I struggled. This year due to financial circumstances I was forced out of my coastal home and made to live nearer to get support financially for my youngest son from his father who was never around for either of my sons and move into a room he rented for me, I go each day and cook for the kids and him and then leave again, like a servant, I cannot find employment here, he just stopped maintenance, saying he gets paid much less now than before. In the time of me been divorced due to my low self esteem even though people have told me I am attractive I do not feel attractive or worthy, I have had two failed relationships both with very abusive men, I left them. I am always the one if we get invited to any function, who is the best presented at any family function as I go to great lengths to look my best knowing I will face been put down, and then I still get put down, now my mothers sister is putting myself and my kids down, I make sure my sons are neat and tidy, and yet I will still get constant remarks, if anything happens, its me who caused it, even if I was not around, I only get invited to certain functions like funerals, sometimes weddings but hardly ever, both my parents are deceased now. Its tough I feel so alone at times, once again in a town I do not like, I have no fixed employment, I take care of my sons and still get daily abuse from their father who lives nearby with them, as said I go in and like a domestic cook, its something at least I get a plate of food, at least living down the coast I was away from these people although excluded and kept in the dark about every single thing. When my mother died she left money to everyone, every person got a print out of the will, my one brother appointed himself and his new wife as the executor, before she died she told me I would inherit to the amount of R40000 each, I got six thousand deposited into my bank no print out of the will, she had also told me that when she went into the old age home, the youngest brother and wife had taken pocession of her bank card and she had given them the pin. So that is some of my life story, it can never change, no matter how hard I try, the sister in laws have taken over now along side my brothers, and if in their company they ignore me, my sons are both good students, well behaved, well raised, they did well at school and also with their post education, I am now told by certain members they have achieved nothing, they never will and they will be messed up and why do I not cut my long hair as it makes me look old, I am in forties and have been told I do not look my age. I have decided to take a stand, even in this bad situation I am now in and walk away, its not a case of giving up, its just not worth trying one best to be the best you can be, always explaining one self to people who are intent at misunderstanding you, if I say anything they question it or mock me, or tell me its all in my imagination, right throughout my young life they were told this one was spoilt until she was two, I cannot recall it, they have built up resentment, they have issues and they continue to gang up on me, no matter how hard I try, I am the problem, if I sit in their company, and say little I get ‘what the f is your problem, have you got a f problem hey’ so as said by my eldest son, why continue to expose yourself to that, even though its tough now living in a new town for the past few months, near to an abusive ex husband, in time we can only pray to get away, why be around people who find every reason not to love and respect you and allow them to cause more damage than what they have already even though I call these people family, its sad but its reality. I will keep you all in my prayers those who have gone through something similar, please do the same

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Jade, thank you for sharing your story. Clearly you are the scapegoat in your family, because you are a truth-teller and it’s the truth tellers who are targeted. My family is much the same way, as you already know.
      You need to go no contact with these people–they don’t deserve the title of “family” after the way they have treated you. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers too. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Jade says:

    Thankyou so much for you kind words, greatly appreciated, its so sad to see how many people have suffered this abuse and only realised they not the problem after so many years when already a whole lot damage has been done, as you say they do not deserve the title of family at all, they refuse to acknowledge they are the problem, they continue to shift blame and avoid the issue, so truly its useless. I have told my mothers sister just recently who is over 90 now, that for the last thirty years you have verbally abused me, now you starting on my sons. I am thee only person who calls you on a regular basis, because I want to, not for anyother reason to hear how you doing, each time I am met with abuse. She will even say things like “if you hear from your ex husband, send my love and if he gives you any trouble, it has to be you that caused it” He was not only a mental, emotional and physical abuser, he was after our divorce also a financial abuser withholding money, until I would threaten to go to the courts, then just before that he would pay all he owed. Its tough but truly knowing I am not alone in this, it should not bring me comfort to know there are people out there faced with similar situations but I am sure you and others know what I am saying it makes it like “Ok I am not imaging this, there is a name for this, scapegoating, blaming, I am not insane, I am not bad, its not me” I refuse to explain myself any longer to these people anyone of them, I forgive but I cannot allow further damage to be caused than what has been done already, our current situation we will eventually get away here. I always have faith and hope and I pray the same for all those who are victims to never loose faith and never loose hope, that their life will change and for the better. You so kind thankyou so much and thankyou for allowing me to share my story on this page. Blessings on you and all, thankyou for the prayers and you all remain in mine

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Reblogged this on Diary of a Disenchanted Diva and commented:
    This.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Delia says:

    All those things you describe in your post, I used to think too about myself, and in the years I lived with my “family” I was overweight, ugly and “loser” of course thats what I was suppossed to “be” in order for them to shine.

    You cannot imagine the gradual change aftermath aftermath after NC. want to see my pictures? Hey we were not given on this earth to be punching bags. I hope you dont still buy all their CRAP AND LIES!! They re patethic !! to do this to someone without any defenses like a child

    Im taking my degree in Psychology, live far away from ALL of them I too was involved for almost 9 years ??? with a Psycho Narcisistic guy who, basically I wanted to “change the ending” with. If only I was good enough rrright

    FOR THE EMPTY VESSELS you will never be good enough!! I relapsed recently and got back in contact with my Ex stupid thing, and I kinda went back coupple of steps, but Im on my way. Remember this they really feel NOTHING they are NOTHING because a Normal person does not spend 24/7 destroying !!! especially children.. I hope you feel better than at the time you wrote this.

    And Oh, I found love also in friends, ppl kind cimpassionate open and most especially REAL and not Psycho !! We are Gods children remember that and stop walking with your head down ❤

    Love,

    Delia

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Delia, you are right. Normal people do not do that to their own children, but the people who raised us are disordered. I’ve gotten past my rage and only feel sorry for them now. But I’m no contact (or very low contact anyway) and plan to keep it that way! My mother especially is very toxic to me. I no longer hate her the way I used to but feel pity that she is so shallow she can never love anyone. I know she will not change. They rarely do. I absolutely hate it when others assume your family is always there for you. Like, if you need help or support, people always say, “what about your family”? It makes me so mad that people just assume everyone has a loving, supportive family. That’s not true at all. I feel so cheated sometimes. But it’s the way it is, and like you said, you can find friends who become your real family. It’s hard though, when you’ve become so distrusting of others and standoffish that you can’t allow yourself to get close to anyone…I’m working on that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Naomi says:

        I understand what you mean about others assuming you have family. I have found if I tell others I’m an orphan, it pretty much ends that questioning. Plus I’m judged more on my own merits, character, & integrity also. I’m no longer a shadow of the family.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. B says:

    Thanks for this blog. Lost my entire family and am awakening to the abuse so embedded in me to why I felt so unworthy. The abuse was my belief to what Jesus says the Enemy comes to “kill, steal and destroy”. Because as you said in your message, being a scapegoat to others is an attempt to murder our soul. Literally. It’s what happened to Jesus and so many others who have good hearts so pure and innocent.

    All knowledge about scapegoating is so healing. It feeds my soul to awaken to my own truth, who I am and as I’m seeing the truths unfold to why I am so different in this world, it’s making more sense and so am growing to be at peace with who I am as I grow to stand in who I am unashamed despite losing the world literally. No friends left. No family left. Thanks so much. I really love your blogs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you, B. As you probably read, my family was/is the same way. My mother is 85 and will never, ever change. She sold her soul a long time ago. The rest of the “family” follows her lead. She has them all brainwashed. Thanks for sharing.

      Like

  18. Becky Keir says:

    Hi there, I just came across your video whilst i was doing a google search, and I have to say that I honestly have never ever had this explained to me so well before. I have been trying to figure out why I’m so afraid of being good toe myself, of trying to quit smoking, of not self sabatarging and of recovering, and I think you have hit nail on the head. All i have been consciously aware of for a while is that I am afraid of the world and other people crashing down on me if I’m good to myself etc. because my mother did that to me, she would make me feel bad and ruin anything good i did. I cant not feel good about myself because I feel i am making people hurt me as they are saying i dont deserve anything good.
    Listening to you talk, it is an EXACT replica of my life, it is a story about *me* and i just can not believe it.
    I feel better about being good to myself, and respecting my boundaries, al the things i could never do and was tough to never do. maybe in time i wont smoke, i know it will take a long time, and this good feeling after watching this wont last forever i know, but i hope it will some day. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months.
    Seriously, thank you so much for your information, and Im sorry you have struggled too in order to gain this insight. Really, thank you, you are doing an amazing job of spreading awareness. You have just given me some hope. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Hi, Becky–I never made a video. Someone else made that, I just shared it here. I agree it was excellent though and I’m glad you could relate to it. I did too.

      Like

  19. Vickie says:

    I am delighted that so much light has been shed on scapegoat children. I am a 65 year old daughter of a narcissistic borderline personality disorder mother. I came off to the world as being an arrogant bulldog while also being a victim. I had come to believe I could never break free of the cycle and spent SO much time resenting the treatment when I could have spent that time having another life that was productive. It has taken this many years to finally see myself as a person deserving of repect and happiness. For you sisters and brothers of this type of target treatment keep reading and researching. We can understand our way through this.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Pingback: [INFJ] Has anyone else had this problem in the "social environment"?

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  22. Adrian says:

    I guess it’s a great thing that i realised all of this at such a young age (18) but my question to you all is what do i do if my family wont even care to invest in my education and future in general.

    Sorry if i’m having grammar issues but english isn’t my first language.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      My family didn’t either. If they refuse to help, unfortunately you will have to do it yourself. There are scholarships out there, but you might have to do some digging around and research. Me, I had to take out student loans and eventually was able to pay them back. But that was in the 80s, things are so much harder now for young people who don’t have family support. 😦
      Your grammar is fine, I never would have known English wasn’t your first language.

      Like

    • Vickie says:

      Adrian – You can change the tide of your life. Understand your family will not change and spend your energy on caring about yourself. You can work, get scholarships and send yourself to school and you will love yourself for this very difficult but worthwhile accomplishment. Expect nothing from your family as it will only lead to anguish but learn to love and nourish yourself. It takes time and hard work but you can do it. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I am woman, hear me roar. Previous to now I was the only child raised by my MN mother and as her pet scapegoat. After the passing of my grandparents, its been an all out merciless commitment that my mother murder my character and take everything from me including my sons. I have been disowned and alienated from everyone in the family. My sons and I miss and love each other so much and she hates us for it. My eldest son has autism, he is the golden child and my youngest son is more lil me and he is the scapegoat. I’ve been on the Dr. Phil show, (another narcissist) and through the court system for 5 years only to land on my face, now homeless and unemployed and labeled the problem. My mother calls employers, landlords and even send my picture to stores where I live telling them in a prostitute, drug addict and thief, watch for me. With all of her efforts to make me suffer. I will not. I am a high spirited woman, I compliment and inspire others to feel good about themselves, and I have accepted how things are for now. I am waiting for the day my sons are free from her clutches, that is what I live everyday for. They know my love for them and only them. God loves us and we each will prevail over evil. I told my mother if it were up to me, I forgive you. Its not my judgement, but be afraid. I know how much my life has hurt me because of her. I can’t imagine the punishment she will receive and I dont want to know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      This is so sad. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Your mother sounds like an evil person with no capacity to love even her own child, who she has targeted for her abuse. I’m sorry you are not with your sons due to her lies and deceptions, but at least they love you and know you are not at fault for any of this. I will pray for you and your sons, that you may be reunited. I believe in the end, justice will be done, somehow. Though it may seem like it at times, God doesn’t miss any of what goes on.

      Like

  24. Thank you for your time to read and respond to my post. You are an inspiration to me. Somehow learning to change the hurt coming in to positive strength coming out has made me a enlightened soul. I only want peace and continue to love without shame or remorse.

    Like

  25. Steve Maninna says:

    We may have been victimized but I choose the light. I know who they are,they can keep their millions for my soul is not for sale. It is a battle as my father is trying to buy my son with his money. I am in a battle for his soul. My brother and sister are both flying monkeys and constantly try to draw me in. The best revenge is to just live and be happy,be whole,you can be . It helps to read other stories. Both of my parents are NPD. I worked in the family buisness with them.It was hell for 20 years. I was lied to,bullied and put down.I worked harder.I brought success ,they denied . I left them 12 years ago. My father is a devious sneaking bastard,hellbent on destroying my family.The choice is my son’s .I have done all I can to make him aware. It has been tough,and I was raised by my NM and NF. I grew up thinking something was wrong with me,however I had been influenced by my Scoutmaster and priest in my church. I attained rank of Eagle Scout which gave me the confidence in myself that always shone through

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I am so sorry you are going through this, and that your father is tryng to buy your son away from you. You are right to be concerned about your son’s soul, for their illness is contagious. They could turn your son into a narc himself or simply victimize and destroy him. I don’t know what’s worse. They’re both bad. I pray for you and your son, and that your son follows his own heart and doesn’t become their next victim or flying monkey. Keep talking to your priest and keep praying. God does listen. All you can do for now is, like you said, do things that make YOU happy and trust God to bring justice.

      Like

  26. CapricornTheSG says:

    This is a good article. It really describes myself. I don’t want to call him a narcissistic father but sometimes he can come across as one. This night I had to leave my house as my father projected his anger of another child a child who uses and takes advantage of him, onto me. It came to my mind several times but tonight it finally really came to me. I am the scapegoat of my family.

    I am usually very quiet, very shy, don’t like being noticed, listen to people’s problems and talk to them about it, I am always eager to help, like to avoid adversity at all costs and I try to fix problems whatever they may be to the best of my knowledge, and I’ve only been in several relationships because good, kind, thoughtful, caring people are hard to find. Especially when it comes to dating men. I am extremely insecure so that’s a reason why. And lately I’ve found myself becoming much like my father. Sarcastic and cynical. (Though I’ve always been cynical but yet not outspoken about things like I am now). But I still have retained my sweetness on other issues. Except when it comes to demanding manipulative BS from DOD.

    My father puts me down in different ways not appearance or academic-wise. The one with the best academics is my second oldest sister.

    I believe the second oldest was the GC and then felt like she was the scapegoat. So she broke away. Pretty much from our whole family bringing shame as I know my father feels to the family name. Now I’m the SG. GC is now the youngest of us.

    I would have continued to believe that there was something wrong with me, but as I got older, I figured out the people who are messed up are not me. No, I know I’m the sanest of the whole family.I am pretty close to 30 which is highly depressing still living with parents. But I’ve made it a goal to get a degree, get a good paying job, and get out of there.

    Sometimes I feel like once I do that just to say the hell with them. And I am not a Christian nor do I believe in God really, and I know I can’t do that. I am the most sensitive out of all of the children, a lightning rod to take all the bullshit my family produces. I am empathetic so I understand and feel what others are feeling and I am quite conscious to the fact that my empathy can be abused by those with negative influences. I had a friend who used me as her own personal scapegoat as well as her father. I’d get bad headaches on her really bad days. Last time she verbally abused me in front of a total stranger. So I cut her off. Yeah, that’s how bad it got.

    Yes, I do believe in empaths and believe I am one of them.

    That being said, I hate self-victimization and I hate the idea of being a scapegoat. A lot of times I really do feel like I am. Especially what went down tonight.

    i n case one of my family members stumble upon this article, I love all of you and I hope tomorrow’s session will help us work out our issues.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you for sharing your story. Whether your father is a narcissist or not doesn’t matter. He has made you into his scapegoat and for empaths that can take a toll on your mental, emotional and physical health. Knowing what’s going on is the first step to recovery from abuse. You sound very intelligent and ready to move on from the BS. Be gentle with yourself and seek out those who support you. I’d write more but it’s 3 in the morning and I’m half asleep. Good luck.

      Like

  27. Lynn says:

    I was physically and mentally abused by my mother as a very young child into my teens. When I finally stood up to her the hitting stopped but the hatred remained. As long as I always agreed with her, and did not make any waves, things were OK. I went to college and married (a survivor of a Narcissistic mother) and had a son. The day my mother slapped my toddler and pulled his hair for spilling his milk was the day I told her that she was never to touch my child again. This ended the years of peace on the spot and has has been trying to get even ever since. Now she just does not hide the hate for me and has told me that she is leaving everything to my brother. My brother and I are very close and I understand how she has manipulated him into living with her, never getting married, and basically being her Narc source. He deserves the house for goodness sakes living with her all these years. It does not stop, however, the pain or the knowledge that she is trying to ruin our close relationship by pushing me to the edge every chance she gets.
    I was abused by a cousin when I was 4. I told my mother about it when I was in college and she said she believed me, Now she says I made the entire thing up and that I am a crazy liar. This person was into drugs and sent to my mother because my aunt could not handle them. Even though I was so shy I use to shake horribly just giving a book report and I was a very good girl, I am the liar. The way she looks at me when no one is around is down right scary. I honestly believe that she wishes I were dead.
    I do not talk to her often now but when I do the first minute into the conversation is how she is leaving everything to my brother or that I am a liar about saying anything wrong about “Her” family (the abusive cousin). She wants me to explode, in fact she is counting on it. It somehow justifies her actions to herself. I refuse to go there with her, ever. I have healed a great deal over the years but I have found that I am a magnet for abuse. My Mother in Law is horrid. Tells everyone that I am not the type of girl she wanted her son to marry. She tells out and out lies about me and is a classic Narcissist herself. Her daughter is horrid as well to me. I was bullied as a child by other girls and bullied in college. I just never fit in no matter how I tried. I always felt like there was me then the rest of the “normal” people. I got good grades, excelled in art and music, am fairly successful, but always felt disconnected. I pisses me off and I no longer want to feel this way!!!!!

    How in the world do you shed this “Victim” persona? It seems that when I do stand up for myself it makes things 100 times worst. I can not seem to grasp the character quality of earning respect for myself. I either go too far and it makes me the bitch or I am an absolute wimpy push over and I let the abuse continue. I often tell my only close friend that my mother in law picked up the abuse where my mother left off without losing a step. I would just like some sort of tools to make this stop. No one deserves to be treated like a door mat or constantly made to feel like they are worthless. How do you stand up for yourself or do you just need to tell them to go suck eggs and not have relationships with them? My mother in law now knows that my mother and I do not speak so this has given her the excuse to tell her family that ” She can’t even get along with her own mother” “I wish he would have married someone better”. I am a good wife, good mother, I don’t make a lot of money but I LOVE what I do. My husband and I are very good together. WHAT more does she want from me??? Her daughter loves to jump right in on this and LOVES to put me down to everyone who will hear her. I know that if I can not find a way to stop this that it will continue on with her. When my mother and mother in law pass away, she will take the reins. IF I do not learn how to stop this, I will never find peace. I honestly feel like it will eventually destroy me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Lynn, I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare. Yes, your mother set you up to be abused. For some reason, she chose you as her scapegoat. It’s nothing you did, but parents like this have to have a scapegoat and to her you fit the bill. Perhaps she envies you because you are what she can never be. But your brother is a victim too because he has had to live with her all this time and never become independent, like you have.
      You are right to go No Contact with her and your other abusers. At least your husband sounds like a decent guy. If he’s agreeable to it, move far away from her and tell him you will not talk to her anymore because of the way she treats you. Is he supportive of you or does he defend her?
      Anyway, removing yourself from these horrible people is the first step to healing. If you like to write, start a blog or a journal. If you can afford it, I would recommend a good trauma therapist to help you work through the damage to your self esteem you continue to struggle with. I still go throug what you do, every day. I still am afraid to stand up for myself and my rights, but it’s getting easier but it will take time. People will begin to react to you differently because over time you will act in ways that aren’t like a neon sign screaming “Kick me!” I’ve found that if you act like a victim, people will treat you like one, even “normals.” I don’t trust anyone. Be kind to yourself and don’t feel guilty about being “selfish” and offending them. They are not worth it.

      Like

      • Lynn says:

        Thank you so much for you thoughtful and kind words. You do an amazing service to us all!!!! The more I read the more I learn I am not alone. This is so healing just on its own. I have started to write poetry. WOW anyone going though this must give it a try. Totally healing. There really is a pattern with this disorder, isn’t there. I love my brother dearly. I know one day he will be free of her and I hope he will gain independence. She is hoping that I will fight for my part in her and my father’s estate. This is why she pushes it on me every second she can. I will not. That power and hurt over me allows her to win. I would rather have my Brother in my life. Hands down. She would rather spin her web of hate then have a good relationship with her only daughter and her only grandchild. VERY SAD, but her choice.
        Narcs try and un-make you from who you really are. Then you learn that normal is not the real normal and this is where the disconnect seeps in. My husband is very supportive but he also deals with his mother and father who have never thought he was good enough. Funny how they also think I am not good enough. NO ONE is EVER good enough for Narcs, are they? He goes from knowing how they are to making excuses for them. I understand him and how he feels and we just work through it. We really are two peas.
        I just want to say a few positive things that I have discovered about myself and perhaps this will help someone heal much sooner then I did. Being the scapegoat does make you stronger. I feel like a magnet for crazy and abuse but I think it is because we have learned to be very intuitive and sensative. Hurt people as well as other Narcs are attracted to this. We had to, after all, to survive. I had to learn really quickly to judge every tiny nuance and mood swing of my mother. It meant the difference between just getting yelled at, just slapped, or being beaten to a pulp. I learned to NEVER stand up for myself. If you did, the beatings were ten time worse. This makes you not stand up for yourself for many many years, if ever, into adulthood. BUT what you learn is an amount of sensitivity that I think others lack. It also gives you a gift of Wisdom if you listen to yourself.
        I know when my little boy is starting to feel ill before he ever shows any signs. I can tell even when our dog is feeling off. My husband swears I can read his mind. You can really relate to your surroundings and to people. This can give way to very strong and rewarding relationships IF you can pick people that give equally in that relationship. Stay away from clinging people or controlling people. They will make you feel that horrible, suffocated, panicked, and disconnected feeling.
        Also there is a reminder in your soul every day of what you DO NOT want to be as a human being. I am most proud of the fact that I am NOT my mother. I would never hit my child and I try really hard to be a good roll model for him. I am not perfect and I struggle with the urges to yell when I am upset or angry but I always tell myself to “Take Ten” and I say ” Lynn, You are not your Mother.” It calms me right down instantly. SO we have the greatest roll model in the world of what NOT to be. It is beaten into our minds…literally.

        I was thinking about my life tonight and it is easy to fixate on all the negatives but then I remember the little girl high up in the tree hiding from her Mother, but at the same time LOVING being out in nature. I saved baby birds fallen from their nests, I went fishing with my Dad before he died. I ran though the fields pretending I was on a Pegasus flying up and away. I hid in my closet for hours painting and drawing. I have always felt like I was lost and did not fit in but I have now realized that I really have not changed from that little girl. I am shy, I am mostly very quiet, love nature, love being outdoors, love all and everything art in the world, and am a good kind person. When I try and be too outgoing or defensive, or combative is when I feel horrible and make a mess of things. It is OK to be that shy little girl. I am her. That is my true self. That is probably the biggest weight off of me in my life just realizing that small fact. My Mother tried to beat that out of me because Yes, I think you are right, she could not be that person she saw in me. Reconnecting to that little girl is helping me find out who I am . I cry for her, I laugh at and with her. I remember the world through her eyes. I am slowing reconnecting to her. I believe this is the key to finally finding yourself. Age and Wisdom allows you to see things so much clearer. I could sit and be depressed about all that loss or I can look at the present and future as a new chapter and adventure and build a GREAT and safe base for my son. Which is more important? Simple answer. Stopping the cycle of Narcissistic abuse is the greatest gift we can ever give back to society and ourselves!

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          Lynn, thanks so much for your kind words and sharing your story. Being around these people for so long really does make you stronger! You are fortunate to have a supportive husband. I agree with you that stopping the cycle of N-abuse is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and we are in a position to be able to help others who suffer too. Thank God for the Internet, which makes all this possible and proves we are NOT alone! I hope you keep reading! God bless.

          Like

          • Lynn says:

            I certainly will. This site was the “AH-HAH” moment for me. So many similarities to my own experiences that I was finally able to start to separate the horrible and personal actions of these people from my own psyche. Instead of thinking of it as “what is wrong with me that they treat/ed me like this?”, and “How must I change to make it stop?” I am now able to see that it is their problem, period.
            I do not have to stay for it, take it, or am obligated to be around them at all. I actually feel stronger every single day. I would have never thought it possible 5 years ago but I definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am no longer hurt by everything these people do. I actually feel pure joy and excitement for what lies ahead in my life, instead of feeling like I might die at any moment. Thank you again for all your time to this. You are really helping people find themselves again and helping them understand the hows and whys of it all. Just knowing what a Narcissists is and then comparing these characteristics to your own experiences is extremely powerful. God’s Blessing to you as well!

            Liked by 1 person

  28. Elizabeth says:

    I must say that this article was very depressing to read. I could sense the author’s timidity and negativity. Please know that there are many scapegoats out there who become stronger, more emboldened, and more resilient by being narcissistically abused. Once I discovered what was happening to me as the scapegoat in my family, I went LC with them (at age 46). When they sensed my pulling away, the abuse intesified – which then made it easier for me to go NC with them. That was over 2 years ago, and I am thriving now. I own my house outright (through hard work and good decisions) and feel like a winner; not a loser. I’m currently seeing a thoughtful therapist and recently discovered that I qualify for two grants to go back to school. If all goes well (which I think it will), I’ll be attending college full-time and working part-time beginning next month. So to all of you wonderful scapegoats out there – do not lose hope. You can definitely go from being the Victim to the Victor. But it will take time, hard work, and discipline. You can most-definitely do it -I have faith in all of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. M.K says:

    I’m so sorry for what you went through. I certainly can’t imagine how hard it was for you. I am the scapegoat out of 7 children. Your right! Once the scapegoat always the scapegoat. It followed me through my life. In school with friends and through my college years. Of all things I was scapegoated during my 5 years in seminary. It’s taken years of therapy for me to break the self hate cycle. I went to college to prove to myself I was smart and could do anything my heart desired. But the reality is that nothing changes unless the people who victimize you get help themselves. 25 years now I’ve been pretty much separated from family. They have contact with my children. I have a wonderful husband of 42 years who was also scapegoated in his family until I married into it and they started on me. At 62 I’m free!! Both my husband and I are friends and soul mates. We have found peace. Both families want little to do with us as we are content living without the abuse. We enjoy your site.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. donshelby says:

    Oh my God, this is so me. I was the scapegoat and my brother is the Golden Child because he became just like my mother. Yes, I was a possession to my mother. She owned me. I still fight feeling like I have a right to my own wants/desires/needs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Those of us who don’t perfectly mirror the narc or rebel against it or are seen as too “weak” or sensitive usually become the scapegoats. Golden children are the little mini-me’s who don’t rock the boat, but in a way they have miserable lives too. One wrong step and they lose their status. It’s a big responsibility to live up to so they don’t have it so good either.
      I was both, at different times. It was very crazymaking. I never knew where I stood.

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      • donshelby says:

        Yes! My brother was my mother’s mini and it has completely ruined his life. When she died he didn’t know what to do with himself. Mother occasionally pitted us against each other as the Golden Child of the moment and tried to make me her Golden Child but I wasn’t obedient enough so I became the Scapegoat for the majority of my life. But yeah, sometimes it was really crazy how I never knew where I stood with her. I think it’s easier to know one way or another. I plan to write a post about my family triangle soon.

        Liked by 1 person

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