The only thing I don’t like about the coming of spring and summer (besides the high humidity later on) is fleas. But because I have so many pets, every summer I do mighty battle with these leaping little bastards from hell.

Fleas! Argggghhh! I hate fleas more than just about anything else–and that’s a lot of things.

I have no idea why fleas ever evolved or how they ever really fit into the food chain. Or if you believe in creation, why God would have put these teeny weeny jumping demons on the Ark along with Noah. I don’t know why they exist or what their earthly purpose could possibly be.

Fleas are annoying, they suck your blood, they are everywhere, and they’re nearly impossible to get rid of. At least maggots, gross they are, help break down dead meat so they have a dirty job to do, just like that guy on TLC who made a reality show out of doing all the gross jobs no one else wanted to do. But someone’s got to do it.

What do fleas do? Fleas are the planet’s parasitic losers (except they seem to be winning).

You know what else is useless, annoying, everywhere, sucks your blood, and nearly impossible to get rid of? What else on this planet are parasitic losers who seem to be winning?

Narcs.

Maybe some Frontline can help keep the narcs under control too.

The only thing better about a narc than a flea is they don’t make your lower legs itch like hell and develop raw red sores that make you look like you have a bad skin disease. But instead of fucking with your epidermis, they fuck with your grey matter.

Hey, I got it. Let’s find a way to make all the narcs attractive to fleas–maybe there’s some sort of pheromone cologne we can splash all over them–and the rest of us and our pets can live flea-free. The narcs will be too busy scratching to bother us much anymore.