I hate my BPD.

bpd_crazy

Sometimes my BPD rears its ugly head. It comes off as narcissism to people who don’t understand. I don’t always understand it either, and because impulsivity is a factor, when I act out in Borderline ways, I’m not even always aware at the time I’m doing it. Sometimes it doesn’t become clear to me until it’s pointed out to me later, and then I’m all, “Oh my God, what have I done?”
Then I beat myself up with guilt and shame, which is what I did today.

Even though I learned tools for handling my BPD when I was hospitalized (for Bipolar II) in 1996 and have found those tools helpful, sometimes it’s not enough and my BPD gets the best of me. I’ve been accused of being narcissistic before. I know I’m not a narcissist, but I can understand why some people might think so.

bpd_things

God, I really hate this disorder. Out of all my disorders, it’s the worst one. It trips me up so often and destroys friendships and makes people think they can’t trust me. Then it’s very hard to convince them I never had ill intentions, but acted impulsively out of whatever emotion at the moment was driving my behavior.

I think blogging was the first step in my recovery from narcissistic abuse, but I’ve reached a place where a lot of emotional garbage that was buried and frozen because of my PTSD is coming up to the surface and it HURTS A LOT. I just wanted to cry all day. I didn’t but I wanted to.

I will still blog of course (I don’t plan to ever stop either), but my BPD is showing more and I think all the weird emotions I’m feeling that I can’t understand are becoming too much for me to handle alone anymore. It was suggested to me that I really need to seek counseling at this point. I know there are free or low cost mental health services in my area I could look into.

I hate my BPD. I wish it would just go away and stay away forever. It’s caused me and people I cared about so much misery. It’s destroyed so many friendships. I don’t want this anymore. I can live with my Aspergers and even enjoy it, but being a Borderline really sucks. 😦
Just one more way my FOO fucked me over…

13 thoughts on “I hate my BPD.

  1. It’s not an easy thing to live with that’s for sure. I don’t have that illness, but lately I’ve been going a little crazy, highjacking blogs, like I’m on some kind of rampage. It’s the FOO. Always the FOO.

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    • Fee-Fii-Foo-Fuum…

      Don’t ask me what that’s supposed to mean, I am in a goofy mood today. 😉

      Seriously though, reading through Lucky Otter’s most recent posts and comments has been a deja vu experience for me. I relate so much to these feelings of self-doubt, shame, and fear. It’s so painful to go through. I am happy to see from your latest posts that you are already bouncing back.

      Hugs to you both, Joan S & Lucky O. Happy April!

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      • Yes, I’ve hit a point through writing where a lot of strange and unfamiliar emotions are coming to the surface, trying to process them all can be daunting to say the least. Happy April to the both of you too! ❤

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        • What you said: “I’ve hit a point through writing where a lot of strange and unfamiliar emotions are coming to the surface, trying to process them all can be daunting to say the least.” ~ yup, me too. “Emotional Dry Heaves” is what I call it, when the pain gets so bad it sometimes stops me in my tracks and almost doubles me over. Haven’t hurt that bad in quite awhile, thank goodness.

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          • I feel ya! “Emotional dry heaves” is PERFECT! For me, it has been manifesting as paranoia, feeling easily hurt or offended, and unfortunately, overreacting and acting out (speaking before thinking) –it gets me into trouble sometimes. I feel like I need to add counseling to my writing now to figure out what is really going on inside my head. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I don’t think.

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            • OH BOY — I just left a looong comment here on another one of your comments, in which I talk about the lifesaving help I got when I checked myself into a renowned mental health clinic in 2003, using the divorce settlement money that I had originally planned to buy a house with. OH how I wish that I was rich right now so I could finance your way through something like that, too. I kind of feel guilty that I had the opportunity to do that for my mental health, when most people don’t. Even though I went broke soon after I left that clinic, it was so worth it.

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            • Oh, Alaina, you made me tear up with that. What a sweet thing to say. I’m fine though, I’m looking into some low cost mental health services — it would be nice to check myself into a great and well known clinic though. It’s good you were able to do that. I’m finding my own ways through my disorders and finding the path to happiness in a cheap but effecive way, I trust God will show me how to take things from here…I have faith.

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            • Yes, He will. 🙂 All you have to do is ask and be patient. It will happen when the time is right. I’m a lot better than I used to be, at least the emotional numbness of my PTSD is almost gone…I am FEELING things now, even if due to my BPD I have trouble regulating my emotions and tend to “go off” on people (online, anyway)…haven’t done it here (except for 2 blog posts calling people out that I set to Private now because they offended people), but I do it on FB (I really need to stay away from social media right now)

              The PTSD, at least for me, was easily healed through writing and blogging; but BPD is a harder nut to crack and probably will require professional help. (It’s very much like NPD in some ways).

              I feel like an onion, being peeled layer by layer.

              I’ve been using my old workbook I got at the hospital in 1996 for the BPD and trying some of the activities in it. They have helped before. I’m also reading some books about BPD and Cluster B disorders in general.

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  2. What books about BPD are you reading?

    And I think you show a lot of maturity and a good attitude in the way you think and write. You may have serious problems remaining from your past experience/childhood (but who doesn’t)? But that doesn’t mean you’re “borderline” or “not borderline”. I don’t think the BPD label is really valid or useful in general. Having said that I never thought to relate it to you, not that I would know you well enough to label you with anything, nor would I if I did!

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