Fleas or narcs?

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

The only thing I don’t like about the coming of spring and summer (besides the high humidity later on) is fleas. But because I have so many pets, every summer I do mighty battle with these leaping little bastards from hell.

Fleas! Argggghhh! I hate fleas more than just about anything else–and that’s a lot of things.

I have no idea why fleas ever evolved or how they ever really fit into the food chain. Or if you believe in creation, why God would have put these teeny weeny jumping demons on the Ark along with Noah. I don’t know why they exist or what their earthly purpose could possibly be.

Fleas are annoying, they suck your blood, they are everywhere, and they’re nearly impossible to get rid of. At least maggots, gross they are, help break down dead meat so they have a dirty job to do, just like that guy on TLC who made a reality show out of doing all the gross jobs no one else wanted to do. But someone’s got to do it.

What do fleas do? Fleas are the planet’s parasitic losers (except they seem to be winning).

You know what else is useless, annoying, everywhere, sucks your blood, and nearly impossible to get rid of? What else on this planet are parasitic losers who seem to be winning?

Narcs.

Maybe some Frontline can help keep the narcs under control too.

The only thing better about a narc than a flea is they don’t make your lower legs itch like hell and develop raw red sores that make you look like you have a bad skin disease. But instead of fucking with your epidermis, they fuck with your grey matter.

Hey, I got it. Let’s find a way to make all the narcs attractive to fleas–maybe there’s some sort of pheromone cologne we can splash all over them–and the rest of us and our pets can live flea-free. The narcs will be too busy scratching to bother us much anymore.

My daughter wearing a goofy owl hat.

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

I was actually looking on her FB timeline for some other photos I may use later, and came across this and thought it was just too cute not to post.

What my fear of rejection makes me do

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

Time for a true confession.

I’ve been focusing a bit less on narcissism because the topic itself is somewhat of a trigger for me right now.

But I’ve recently decided to write openly about my BPD, which (along with Aspergers) is often misdiagnosed as narcissism.

Besides the envy and pride I’ve previously mentioned as my worst narcissistic traits, there is one other thing that has sometimes made me wonder if I might really be a narcissist.

Whenever any male in a position of authority has tried to tell me the truth about myself (like a therapist or teacher), I want to attack them. When I was much younger (teens and 20s) this manifested as rage attacks (as it did with my therapist during my 20’s). Today it’s more likely to be expressed as sarcasm, snarkiness, or just…silence. All of this is very narcissistic of me and makes me want to cringe in the corner when I think about it. Because knowingly hurting someone goes against the bigger, better part of me, a person who is kind and compassionate and hates to see anyone suffering or hurt.

I used to torment my therapist back in the 1980s. He didn’t know the intense feelings I had for him. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. If you’ve ever watched the ’90s Nickelodeon cartoon “Hey Arnold,” you will remember how cruel Helga always was to Arnold, but secretly she mooned over him.

My therapist must have hated me. I LIKED tormenting him. He sat there week after week taking it like a trouper. If he was angry or upset, he never showed it. Most likely my strong feelings and verbal attacks were a form of transference. Maybe I experience a form of transference toward any male in an authority position who mirrors me.

I finally told that therapist I was quitting. Why? Because of my fear he was so tired of my mindfucking him that he’d tell me he couldn’t be my therapist anymore. I knew I wasn’t cured, but I left anyway. Sure, I was having trouble handling my infatuation, but now I know it was really all about hurting him before he could hurt me. How stupid of me, since he was probably more than happy to see the back of me.

I’ve really been thinking a lot lately about my BPD and the unpleasant ways it sometimes manifests itself. The behaviors are narcissistic, and they don’t happen all the time, or with most people (thank God for that!) But the reason they exist at all is because as a Borderline, I live in mortal terror of being rejected or abandoned, and certain men in authority who tell me truths about myself may represent my father, who I was afraid would reject me (even though he wasn’t really the problem at all).

Sometimes I do wonder if I may be a narcissist.

But I know I’m not because it makes no sense. Real narcissists don’t have a conscience or empathy. They can’t be happy for you or sad for you and I can be. If I do something wrong–even if I derive some kind of sick pleasure during the time I’m engaged in it–afterwards I feel terrible. I just want to run and hide.

I’m working on these behaviors, using an old workbook I got in 1996, because lately I’ve been thinking about possibly dating again. I’m getting over my fear of finding myself with another narc, because I feel like I know enough to read them now, to see the red flags and know when to run if I must–but I also don’t want to drive a nice guy away due to my “I hate you….don’t leave me” Borderline tendencies.

There’s so much apologizing I would like to do to so many people. I know that’s not possible but I wish it were.

I know I’m changing for the better, but a lot of bad and painful emotions are coming to the surface in the process of discovering who I am, because I’m feeling again. I think my PTSD is almost healed, and that’s a great thing, but mixed in with all the nice, loving, tender emotions are some not so nice ones too. Like a maggot crawling on the petals of a rose.

I never said I was perfect.

Cadbury…GRAPES?

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

Isn’t it just the most horrible feeling when you bite into something and expect to taste one thing, and it turns out to be something different than you expected? The other day I took a bite of a “chocolate chip” cookie and found out too late it was a raisin cookie. It made me want to spit it out. If I KNOW it’s a raisin cookie, it’s not so bad.

If I got a Cadbury chocolate and bit into a grape instead, I think I would gag. Even though I think grapes are delicious. But I’d like to KNOW I’m biting into a grape.

I love my lurkers!

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

Butchcountry67 gave me an idea for a new post tonight. (By the way, his blog about living on the Canadian prairie with his young son is wonderful, so please follow him.) In my earlier post, “What Do You Like Best (and Least) About Blogging,” a comment of his really got me thinking.

Butch said (as one of the things he likes least),

[…]the uncertainty of just who is reading my blogs … not so much those that follow my blog, but those that do not and read it nonetheless.

My reply:
If I stop and think about the hundreds of strangers every day reading this blog–not fellow bloggers from WP who already follow me–but everyone else (and there’s so many more of them than WP bloggers!) it can freak you out just a little. I try not to think about it when hitting the Publish button, especially if it’s a post about a personal or sensitive subject.

But at the same time, it’s exciting and thrilling, because you never know what sort of important people who can help you (or that you may be helping!) may be reading your words.

I’ve had a few people read this blog or a post on this blog I never expected to in a million years.
Some examples:

1. Sam Vaknin was one of the first, and he even used to comment and helped my visibility so much for awhile (seriously, whether or not you like the guy, this blog would not be where it is today were it not for him, and Sam, if you are still reading, thank you!)
2. a researcher and Ph.D candidate from the University of Georgia who wanted me to help disseminate a study questionnaire. I’m still waiting for the results of that study and will post them as soon as I get the information, which has been promised to me and I do have permission to post the results.
3. Owners and admins of non-WP blogs that are well established in the narcissistic abuse community
4. various other authors of both fiction and nonfiction who I can’t remember the names of at the moment.

Sometimes I don’t find out until I check Twitter and find out someone I never expected favorited, DM’d me with thanks, or retweeted one of my posts (which meant they probably read at least the post concerning them). Two that come to mind are Eric Casaccio, director of the short film “Narcissist” and Christian singer Danny Gokey. Both expressed gratitude for my attention (and in so doing, helped me out too).

The 90-9-1 rule of online community participation. 90% of your readership consists of lurkers.

It’s such a cool feeling when something like that happens. It’s one of the highlights of having a slightly visible blog. You should have a Twitter account connected to your blog. It’s the easiest way to find out who some of your important lurkers may be and helps give your blog visibility.

You just never know who your “lurkers” may be. 🙂 Don’t be afraid of them–love your lurkers! It’s not your friends and followers, but your lurkers, who help your blog gain visibility, and you just might be helping them out too.

And thanks to Butch too, for giving me this idea tonight.

I feel like an explanation is in order

Posted on April 7, 2015 by luckyotter

I’ve been thinking about (and feeling guilty about) the fact I follow so many blogs, but rarely comment on anyone’s blog posts anymore.

It makes me feel bad too, because I don’t want any of you to think I don’t care about what you write or am not reading your posts. I am (when I can).

When I first started blogging, I used to read a lot of other blogs and comment a lot on other people’s posts, but due to the sheer volume of comments I have been receiving lately (and still having to work for a living, run a household, take care of pets, maintain this blog, sort through spam, write new posts, etc.), I simply cannot find the time to comment as much as I’d like to, because I’m so busy replying to mine.

I try to read other blogs when I can, but to read everything I want to read and comment on posts too, I would not be able to get any sleep! When I do read, I may “like” your post, but will probably not comment, because there just isn’t any time anymore. I’ve received so much inspiration from so many of you, even when I don’t Like or comment on a post of yours.

This is the problem I dreamed of having when I started this blog in September. Please keep the comments coming! 🙂

What do you like best (and least) about blogging?

Posted on April 6, 2015 by luckyotter

My favorite things about blogging.

1. Formulating a new idea into words.
2. Hitting that Publish button.
3. Finding pictures and graphics to illustrate my articles. (Not as hard as you might think!)
4. Checking my stats (if they’re good).
5. Making new friends who can actually relate to what I write about.
6. The way it’s changing me.
7. Someone telling me a post of mine gave them hope or even inspired them to make changes in their lives.
8. Reading and replying to my comments.

My least favorite things about blogging.

1. Dealing with trolls and bullies (fortunately I haven’t had too many). Sometimes though, even their rants can make good fodder for new blog posts.
2. Proofreading and editing for clarity, correcting spelling and grammar
3. Adding tags and categories to a post.
4. Having a slow day with low stats and few comments.
5. Not having a good new idea. It happens to all of us but it’s still discouraging.
6. Offending people (it’s inevitable though).
7. Fear of making certain posts available to the public. (I eventually do though, and it’s very liberating!)
8. Dealing with spam.

This is a free for all for all bloggers.
What are your favorite and least favorite things about blogging? Please share in the comments.

The beauty of things we take for granted every day.

Posted on April 6, 2015 by luckyotter

This is sand under a microscope!

#25 – Who Was The First Borderline? – From Cavemen and Dinosaurs to Creationism and the FSM

Posted on April 5, 2015 by luckyotter

A very funny look at how BPD might have made it into the gene pool. Who was the culprit? Cavemen? Apes? Dinosaurs? Single celled organisms? Can creationism and a “young earth” explain BPD better than evolution and its “old earth”? Or is BPD it simply a construct invented by mental health professionals to label a group of people with a certain subset of psychiatric behaviors that aren’t particularly adaptive.
A great read!

BPD Transformation

Where did BPD come from, and how was it passed down to modern humans? This is one of the more vexing questions of our age. For an answer, we must turn to the all-knowing wisdom of American psychiatry, which proclaims:

“Scientific studies on BPD suggest that the illness is strongly inherited.”
(see the NIMH’s view – http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml)

“BPD is strongly inherited.” This seems like an answer to where BPD comes from. But is it? According to psychiatry, BPD is mostly in the genes. But how could this dreaded disease have originally developed? It didn’t magically appear out of thin air. This begs the question: From whom was BPD first inherited? Who – or what – was the real “first borderline”?

In this essay, I will take psychiatry’s thinking to its logical conclusion. If BPD is “inherited”, we should be able to track down the ultimate source of this nefarious malady…

View original post 2,653 more words

The progression of spring: April 5th

Posted on April 5, 2015 by luckyotter

Now it’s REALLY starting to look like spring, as these photos show. Even so, the temps got slightly below freezing last night and I had to bring my plants inside. This early, snow is still possible, but not probable, at least not this far south. Many of the ornamental trees that were flowering last week are now bright pale green. The larger trees are just starting to bud, and some are still bare, especially at higher elevations. Living in the mountains, it’s fun to watch Spring progress up the mountainsides. By the end of this month, there should be no more winter-bare trees.

I feel fortunate to live in such a beautiful part of the country so close to nature.

Enjoy this week’s photos.