What my fear of rejection makes me do

borderline_pd

Time for a true confession.

I’ve been focusing a bit less on narcissism because the topic itself is somewhat of a trigger for me right now.

But I’ve recently decided to write openly about my BPD, which (along with Aspergers) is often misdiagnosed as narcissism.

Besides the envy and pride I’ve previously mentioned as my worst narcissistic traits, there is one other thing that has sometimes made me wonder if I might really be a narcissist.

Whenever any male in a position of authority has tried to tell me the truth about myself (like a therapist or teacher), I want to attack them. When I was much younger (teens and 20s) this manifested as rage attacks (as it did with my therapist during my 20’s). Today it’s more likely to be expressed as sarcasm, snarkiness, or just…silence. All of this is very narcissistic of me and makes me want to cringe in the corner when I think about it. Because knowingly hurting someone goes against the bigger, better part of me, a person who is kind and compassionate and hates to see anyone suffering or hurt.

I used to torment my therapist back in the 1980s. He didn’t know the intense feelings I had for him. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. If you’ve ever watched the ’90s Nickelodeon cartoon “Hey Arnold,” you will remember how cruel Helga always was to Arnold, but secretly she mooned over him.

helga_arnold

My therapist must have hated me. I LIKED tormenting him. He sat there week after week taking it like a trouper. If he was angry or upset, he never showed it. Most likely my strong feelings and verbal attacks were a form of transference. Maybe I experience a form of transference toward any male in an authority position who mirrors me.

I finally told that therapist I was quitting. Why? Because of my fear he was so tired of my mindfucking him that he’d tell me he couldn’t be my therapist anymore. I knew I wasn’t cured, but I left anyway. Sure, I was having trouble handling my infatuation, but now I know it was really all about hurting him before he could hurt me. How stupid of me, since he was probably more than happy to see the back of me.

hateyou_leaveme

I’ve really been thinking a lot lately about my BPD and the unpleasant ways it sometimes manifests itself. The behaviors are narcissistic, and they don’t happen all the time, or with most people (thank God for that!) But the reason they exist at all is because as a Borderline, I live in mortal terror of being rejected or abandoned, and certain men in authority who tell me truths about myself may represent my father, who I was afraid would reject me (even though he wasn’t really the problem at all).

Sometimes I do wonder if I may be a narcissist.

But I know I’m not because it makes no sense. Real narcissists don’t have a conscience or empathy. They can’t be happy for you or sad for you and I can be. If I do something wrong–even if I derive some kind of sick pleasure during the time I’m engaged in it–afterwards I feel terrible. I just want to run and hide.

I’m working on these behaviors, using an old workbook I got in 1996, because lately I’ve been thinking about possibly dating again. I’m getting over my fear of finding myself with another narc, because I feel like I know enough to read them now, to see the red flags and know when to run if I must–but I also don’t want to drive a nice guy away due to my “I hate you….don’t leave me” Borderline tendencies.

There’s so much apologizing I would like to do to so many people. I know that’s not possible but I wish it were.

I know I’m changing for the better, but a lot of bad and painful emotions are coming to the surface in the process of discovering who I am, because I’m feeling again. I think my PTSD is almost healed, and that’s a great thing, but mixed in with all the nice, loving, tender emotions are some not so nice ones too. Like a maggot crawling on the petals of a rose.

I never said I was perfect.

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27 thoughts on “What my fear of rejection makes me do

  1. You have introspection and guilt which is something narcissists don’t have. I hope you can get more help for the BPD. I wonder if BPD may manifest differently too if someone has Aspergers as well. One thing when raised by narcs or surrounded by them, there is such a thing as FLEAS.

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    • Thank you, and that’s why I know I’m not a real narcissist. I am looking into some therapy because I’ve reached a point where blogging by itself isn’t quite enough–it helped me with PTSD but BPD is a much tougher nut to crack and I need help.
      Marsha Linehan’s workbook does help-it’s a CBT program that retrains you to react differently to things, and think before you act. But of course, like any CBT training program, it doesn’t even begin to address the root of the problem, which is the only way BPD could actually be healed.

      I want to look into the BPD/Aspergers connection — that’s an interesting question you raised and probably a good topic for a future article. I can just tell you that we Borderline Aspies are very strange birds and VERY complicated at that. And often mistaken for Narcissists unfortunately (Aspieness being associated with a LACK of empathy, which is wrong).

      I’m not sure which is worse, fleas or narcs. Both are hard to get rid of, but at least some Frontline will usually get rid of the fleas, not sure if that would work on a Narc. I might try it! 🙂 I have fleas in my house every summer due to having so many pets and it’s a constant battle. What are they here for anyway? It doesn’t seem to me that they have any purpose on earth at all. I HATE fleas! At least Narcs don’t make your legs look like you have a bad case of measles.

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  2. I don’t think it’s just you. Everyone has a tough time hearing criticism of themselves, especially if we know deep down that it is true!

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    • Good point. I am very hard on myself sometimes. But I think I definitely have a problem and need to work on it. I really hate these things about myself, although overall I like myself better.

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      • As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see, that is all that matters in the end!

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        • I hope one day I like what I see in the mirror. I’m starting to. And not just figuratively either. I noticed when looking over the photos I posted the other day, I look ten years younger than I did ten years ago. A year or two ago, I looked like an absolute wreck–depressed looking, abut 30 lbs heavier than I am now (and I’m still not skinny, at 140 lbs and 5’4″!), out of shape, double chin, my hair looked dull and lifeless, my skin was pasty and dead looking, and I felt like everything was over for me.
          All I did was stuff my face and watch TV. Sad. It seems like a different person, the me I used to be. I was so miserable and afraid, omg.

          “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now. ” — Bob Dylan

          I need to make a post about that. The Boomers here will love it. 😀

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  4. Your shrink probably didn’t suffer when you were “mean” to him. Shrinks learn to be pretty bullet proof. No matter what you say to one, they will assume it is your psychological problems causing it and will not take it personally. Psychopaths might make good shrinks because they can be detached enough to take what you dish out and not react. After all, you paid this guy to listen to you. I wouldn’t fret about it.

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