Back to earth.

earth

Two days ago a rather old article of mine (one I first posted in April last year and didn’t seem to generate much interest at the time) went viral.  I’ve had articles go somewhat viral before (getting a lot of Facebook shares usually), but this one got me so many views–3,822 on 2/9 and a whopping 4,438 on 2/10–that it was a little unsettling.   Keep in mind my typical views for one day are about a third of that number or less.

It was heady seeing my viewers graph keep rising, and my Facebook Share ticker keep getting higher.   How long was this going to go on?  Would it keep going indefinitely, into the tens of thousands? Maybe into the millions?  I’m not a blogger who blogs to be the “best” or the “most popular” and I don’t care much about Google and Alexa rankings, but I’m human and as a human, I like to be recognized and noticed–and this post I’d forgotten about was certainly getting noticed.  I admit it felt good.  I’ve always felt unnoticed and ignored, and this made me feel like I’d made some kind of impact in the world.   I’ve been an underachiever all my life and this felt like a kind of achievement.

An outbreak of a communicable disease eventually fizzles out and the virus returns to dormancy.   If it just kept going,  we’d all be dead.   Posts that go viral also reach a maximum threshold, after which their wildfire-like spread slows down and then stops.   I can’t explain how and why this works; it must be some kind of self-limiting mechanism.  Things that go up almost always come down.

So now I’m back on earth.   After those two days, my stats took a plunge.  Actually, they’re back to normal.  Maybe I have a few new readers now.   The return to normalcy feels like a loss, but what have I really lost? Two days ago, before this happened, I didn’t feel like I’d lost anything.  When something like this happens, it’s nice, but it’s unexpected and not even something you worked for.  I just got lucky.

That’s one of the things I love most about blogging. The surprises.   You just never know when something you wrote months ago might suddenly take off.

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Best of Lucky Otter’s Haven

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I got this idea from Anna Valerious’ blog Narcissists Suck, who did a similar “Best Of” list. Unfortunately, WordPress no longer allows an “All Time” timeframe for gathering statistics, so this list will only include my most popular (most viewed) posts from 2015.
They are listed in order from most viewed to least.

If an article was a rant about some drama going on at the time and I was just venting, I skipped those for the most part.

The posts about Narcissism and the few about Borderline Personality Disorder that made the Top 50 will be listed separately from the rest. (These are my most popular articles out of a total of about 890 articles since I started this blog last September)

My Narcissism articles have proven to be my most viewed by far.

This post will also become a new static page in the header, which I’ll update on a monthly basis (for the rest of 2015 at any rate).

Most Popular Posts about Narcissism and BPD

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1. A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists and HSPs
2. 20 Songs About Narcissists #11-20 (part 2 of 2)
3. 20 Songs About Narcissists #10-1 (part 1 of 2)
4. Grandiose and Vulnerable Narcissists: How Do They Differ?
5. Famous People Who Have NPD
6. The Distinctive Look of Psychopathy: Gazing Into the Face of Evil
7. Why You Should Never Jump into a New Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse
8. Do Narcissists Cry?
9. 12 More Songs About Narcissism
10. Maybe We Throw Around the “N” Label Too Freely
11. A New Insight on Being the Only Child of a Narcissistic Mother
12. Can a Psychopath Ever Be Cured?
13. My Story of Narcissistic Abuse (Childhood and Adolescence)
14. Narcissism is a Family Disease
15. 12 Weird Things You Might See a Narcissist Do
16. The “Sex Symbol of Narcissism”
17. Sleeping With the Devil: My Marriage to a Psychopath (part 1)
18. Psychopaths and Pets
19. The Man You Love to Hate–or Hate to Love
20. Are You Being Gaslighted?
21. My Mother, the Exhibitionist
22. Letter From a Narcissist’s True Self
23. Narcissists Who Use 12-Step Programs to Further Their Agenda
24. Beware of MNs Posing as Victims in the Psychopathic Abuse Community
25. Disturbing Documentary About Narcissists and Psychopaths
26. Narcissists and Cleanliness
27. 10 Ways to Deal With a Narcissist
28. The Four Types of Narcissistic Abuse Victims
29. Could Reparenting Actually Cure a Narcissist?
30. Healing Narcissism: Stephen’s Story
31. More About the Narcissistic Stare
32. Why Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims
33. The 12 Steps of “Narcissists Anonymous”
34. Sociopath vs. Psychopath: Is There a Difference?
35. Sam Vaknin: Narcissist or Narcissist Wannabe?
36. I Think It’s Iime We Stop Bashing All Narcissists
37. 5 More Weird Things You May See a Narcissist Do
38. Malignant Narcissism and the Supernatural: A Connection?
39. Eight Fun Games Narcissists Like to Play (and One They Can’t Play)
40. It’s All About Image: The Skewed Values of Narcissistic Families
41. Cerebral vs. Somatic Narcissists
42. Are BPD and Complex PTSD the Same Disorder?
43. How To Recognize a Covert Narcissist
44. The Real Reason Highly Sensitive People Get Bullied
45. Do Narcissists Have a Spiritual Purpose We Can’t Understand?
46. Are Narcissists Ever Abuse Victims?
47. Narcissist Parents Demonize Their Own Children
48. Courtney Love, Murderous Psychopath
49. On Narcissists Who Want to Be Cured
50. Do Psychopaths Hate Cats?

I am adding these 10 articles to this list too because they were “bubbling under” the Top 50 and they’re among my personal favorites (these numbers are not their actual rankings, but they are in order from most to least popular):

51. Book Review: “Malignant Self-Love” by Sam Vaknin
52. 22 Signs of Online Destructive Narcissists in Forums and Blogging Communities
53. Why Being a Golden Child Isn’t So Golden
54. Malignant Narcissism in Fairy Tales
55. All My Narcissistic Lovers
56. Lies My Narcissists Told Me
57. Malignant Narcissists: HSPs Gone Bad?
58. Survivor Hypervigilance and The Danger of False Labeling
59. NPD vs. BPD: They Are Not The Same Thing!
60. Ten Great Things About Narcissists

Other Popular Posts

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I have included only the Top 25 here because overall, these articles ranked much lower than my articles about narcissism. A few of these overlap with the subject of narcissism and could appear on either list, but for various reasons I decided to place them here instead.

1. Anyone Remember Merrimints? Well, They’re Back (Sort of)
2. My Favorite Optical Illusions
3. My Son is Furry–Got a Problem With That?
4. On Political Correctness and the Inevitability of Offending People
5. Forever Alone
6. Mid Century Modern Houses > McMansions and Other Neo-Eclectic Monstrosities
7. People Treat Me Like I’m Stupid
8. Blogging is Not For Pussies
9. Scientology: A Cult of Psychopathy
10. 20 Truths of Blogging
11. Road Rage, Bumper Stickers, and Narcissism
12. Why IQ Tests of the Past Lacked Smarts
13. Are Millennials Really the Most Narcissistic Generation Ever?
14. 15 Insane Things I’ve Been Accused Of
15. Who Was Narcissus?
16. 15 Things That Introverts Will Never Tell You
17. How Does Aspergers Syndrome Differ From Non-Verbal Learning Disability?
18. Ten Things That Make Your Blog Suck
19. The Curse of the Aspergers/Avoidant/Borderline Triad
20. Replying To My Haters
21. Ferris Bueller, Psychopath
22. Scrambled Eggs for Brains
23. My Weird Phobia
24. Chronic Rage is a Trap, Not a Trophy
25. The Narcautism Spectrum!

Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small.

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DISCLAIMER:
I feel like a disclaimer is needed, though the above photo should be enough of a disclaimer, because it says it all. Someone made a sarcastic remark about how I think I’m a celebrity because of this post, so I let their comment make me set this post to private, because I don’t have a thick skin and am too chicken to come out with a snappy or snarky comeback. I always think other people can get away with doing that, but I won’t be allowed to. It’s because of my past. I was never allowed to speak my mind or have a voice. Now I’ve internalized that and don’t allow myself a voice sometimes. I’m getting better but I’m not out of the woods yet.

In no way do I put myself in the same category as celebrities (who are just people who get wrinkles, have morning breath, and have to use the toilet sometimes like everyone else). I thought I made the distinction pretty clear. For someone who has felt like a nothing my entire life, and always been told I am nothing, and treated with disdain and disrespect, even by the people who were supposed to love me, a little thing like having 1,000 followers or having articles that get popular can seem like a huge deal. To a normal person with healthy self esteem and who felt loved and had a normal sense of belonging, such an achievement might seem like nothing, but to me, it’s a huge accomplishment. If people have an issue with this, and want to judge me for this, or think I’m saying I’m a celebrity, maybe they need to look in the mirror at themselves and stop being so judgmental. Nothing makes me more angry than being judged, especially by people who know next to nothing about me or what motivates me.

I’m tired of always feeling like I have to apologize just for existing. I’ve felt that way all my life.
So, here is that “offensive” article.

I think it would be hard to be famous. Imagine millions of people you never met and never will meet knowing everything about you, obsessing over every detail of your personal life, staring at your pictures, talking about you amongst themselves, worshipping you, hating you, carrying lunchboxes with your photo on them or wearing clothes or perfume with your name on them. Imagine going into a grocery store to buy some butter and finding your own mug plastered on every tabloid. Imagine total strangers walking up to you and addressing you by name and trying to touch you. No wonder celebrities hate the paparazzi. Sure, getting cameras shoved in your face comes with the territory of being famous/getting paid as if you’re a small nation (and should be accepted with grace under normal circumstances), but when a celebrity just has enough of the lack of privacy and punches a photographer in the face, I totally get it. Celebrities are only human, after all. They’re not “special” or somehow above the rest of humanity; they were just lucky or worked very hard or have a special gift to get where they are. Or they have a famous dad. *cough*The Kardashians*cough*

I’m far from famous, but lately this blog has gained enough visibility that I have “haters” and “fans.” I don’t want to be hated or worshipped; frankly I don’t think I deserve either. I’m just a regular and rather boring person who knows about a lot about something and knows how to write about it. I’m glad my blog is doing well. It feels good. It validates what I’m doing. It feels good to know that someone somewhere may find some help or hope through my words. It feels good when someone reblogs an article of mine or tells me something I said changed their life, or even just made their day a little better. It makes me feel like I have some purpose in this world, after years of believing I had no purpose other than to be an example to other people of how NOT to be. Someday I may achieve some level of notoriety if I write the book I want to write (and as of now, I have no earthly idea what sort of book I would write), or something incredible happens like The Huffington Post decides to pick up an article I wrote, or even if I ever get Freshly Pressed. More likely than not, I won’t be famous even then. I don’t really care either, because fame has never been something I strove for.

But there are still days when as a somewhat successful blogger (and by that I just mean this blog has grown steadily due to some fortuitous circumstances and a LOT of hard work on my part, not that I’m the new Opinionated Man or anything) I feel too naked and exposed. At these times I say to myself, “I’m not ready! Wait! This is too scary!” I feel that way right now.

When your blog starts becoming visible and coming up on page 1 or 2 in the search engines, sometimes certain articles you wrote suddenly get shared a lot or even go viral. If the article is one you’re proud of and worked hard on, it’s a great feeling. But sometimes an article you kind of wanted to get buried quickly and forgotten gets found anyway and starts gaining momentum. This isn’t really a bad thing. After all, if I really didn’t want an article to be read, I would have set it to “Private.” So sure, I suppose I wanted it to be read, but I didn’t want it to go viral either. So at this moment, I’m feeling a tad too exposed and naked for comfort. It’s silly to feel like this, but sometimes I just do. I’ve always been a reserved, shy kind of person (I’m textbook INFJ) and while I like a moderate amount of attention occasionally — just to make sure I still exist (how narcissistic of me) — I don’t want negative attention or an excessive amount of attention, whether negative or positive. I’ve always been uncomfortable being the focal point in any situation that involves more than two people. I’m easily embarrassed. I blush and stammer. I act weird and awkward. When I turned three, I cried when they sang Happy Birthday. This natural reticence is actually good, because it reassures me I’m not the raving narcissist I sometimes think I am (or God forbid, could be turning into).

So I have mixed feelings about having so much visibility right now. I know “Internet fame” is kind of a huge joke (visualize rolling eyes and knowing snickers), but I won’t lie–there are days I really do enjoy the attention. But not every day. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small. Sometimes I feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re walking down a street or into a classroom or something and suddenly realize you don’t have any clothes on. It’s a weird and surreal experience, knowing so many strangers, some in exotic places like Mongolia or Kenya, are reading words that once lived only within the shadowy recesses of my brain, and are having their own thoughts and reactions I will never be privy to. It’s like a tiny taste of what it might feel like to be famous, and while it has its moments, I don’t think I could ever really get used to it. It just ain’t in my nature.

My attitude really just depends on which article of mine is getting so many views, and what sort of mood I’m in. I’m not at all sure I would handle fame well if I ever write a book that becomes a bestseller (not that it’s likely to happen). I might want to show up at book signings wearing a paper bag over my head with eyeholes in it-or at least a pair of dark sunglasses. Or become a recluse like J. D. Salinger. Or contemptuous of fame like Kurt Cobain. Especially because most of the things I write about make me feel so vulnerable. From Day One, I made a commitment to be 100% candid at all times and to hold back nothing. I’ve probably only achieved about 95% Total Emotional Honesty (if you knew the other 5% you’d be hitting the “Escape Button” faster than I can type “Wait! Please let me explain!”), but I guess that’s close enough.

Writers are a weird and tortured lot, I can assure you of that. You wouldn’t want to be inside my head most of the time.

Well, I just have to say it.

May 18, 2015: 2,597 views.

My October 3 article, A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists and HSPs, has exceeded 1K Facebook shares. I can’t believe this. Obviously it hit a nerve out there.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤

Holy fettucini! Has this article gone VIRAL?

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What the f*ck? 😮

Seriously, what the actual f*ck?

I noticed my views were WAY up, and opened my stats page to see what was going on.
Here is what I saw.

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On investigation, it has something to do with this very old article I posted back in early October, which seems to be going VIRAL?!?
A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists and HSPs.

I just looked. 518 Facebook shares. WHAT??????
I refreshed — now it’s 523.

I can’t even wrap my brain around this.
But whoever made this go viral, thank you so very much! It made my day.

ETA: Total views for today (my clock is off 4 hours): 2,123! I’ve never even come CLOSE to that!