Narcissist parents demonize their own children.

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narc_mother_littlegirl

Most parents like to tell cute and funny stories about when their children were young, or brag about their school accomplishments or tell sweet stories that show their child in a flattering or loving light. They are also proud of their children when they’re kind and nice to others. That’s the way things should be.

Not for narcissistic parents though.

Narcissists who “erase” memories of their children.
Some narcissistic parents don’t like to talk about their children at all. It’s as if they erase any memories of their offspring’s childhoods and don’t want to be reminded of it. It’s weird. My malignant cerebral narcissist sperm donor used to get bored and annoyed if I talked about the children when they were young. Inexplicably, he couldn’t stand it and became annoyed when I wanted to put some of their baby and early school pictures around the house. (He didn’t like that I displayed our wedding photos either).

He isn’t interested in his son’s accomplishments, even though Ethan (not his real name) has recently been asked to join a semi-professional urban dance crew and has been told he is a shoo-in for the finals at the next dance competition he will be performing in next month. Ethan is seriously considering auditioning for the TV show “So You Think You Can Dance” in about a year or two, when he gets just a little better. He’s completely self taught and has never had a dance lesson and yet people are always impressed by his dancing skills.

I am so proud of my son but his father could care less. I thought maybe it was because he thought dancing was “too gay” (because my son is gay or possibly bisexual–he recently told me he may have some interest in women) but he acts the same way about all of Ethan’s other accomplishments too. It’s almost as if he wants to erase him from his mind, even though he insists he loves him.

And when they “brag” about you, watch out.

too_sensitive

My mother, also a malignant narcissist (of the somatic rather than cerebral type), loves to talk about me as a child. But her “bragging” is never about the things a normal parents would brag to their friends and relatives about. It’s never about how smart I was or what a good student I was, or what a good painter or writer I was, or how kind and generous or big-hearted or animal loving I was. Instead, she tells stories that illustrate the many ways I was “too sensitive” or how much I cried as a little girl. When she talks about me, she always brings up the most embarrassing stories, like how afraid I was of thunderstorms and how I used to run into the closet in terror (I like thunderstorms now) or how “hysterical” (she loves to use that word about me as a child) I used to get when I was frustrated or scared of something (I was afraid of many things but loved a lot of things too).

Whenever she talks about me to people, she makes me sound like there was something wrong with me (there was–I was an Aspie child with attachment issues–but surely there were good things too she could choose to talk about instead of what a pitiful, awkward, oversensitive crybaby I was). She loves to tell everyone the still-embarrassing story of my first period and how happy I was when I shouted the big news from the bathroom, because I had always been “so hysterical” and panic stricken because I was slower to hit puberty than most other girls my age (I was 13 and really not far behind at all–and I never got “hysterical” or “panic stricken” the way she insists).

I no longer hear these stories because I no longer have much contact with her, but I’m sure she still tells her friends and extended family (who she has isolated from me and turned some of them into flying monkeys against me) and they still all have a good laugh about “poor, over-sensitive, ‘hysterical’ little Lauren.” I know they also laugh about what a “loser” I am today, because I’m not wealthy like most of the family is and don’t have a great number of impressive professional accomplishments. Of course, that’s all due to my “poor choices” and not to the fact my self esteem was all but obliterated during childhood and adolescence, not only by my family but also by the bullies I often had to deal with at school.

Fivehundredpoundpeep posted an article today about the way her psychopathic MN mother (who was much worse than mine if that can be believed) and the rest of the family gave her a poem for her college graduation. Instead of it being a sincere congratulations or about how loved she was and how proud of her they were, it was a “humorous” ode to how afraid of crickets she was as a little girl. Notwithstanding the fact this poem had absolutely nothing to do with Peep’s college graduation, its real intention was to embarrass her and make her feel self conscious. It was a poem that could have easily ruined an otherwise joyous occasion.

The navy blue dress.

fat_lady
What my mother saw whenever she looked at me. (Just for the record, I think this big lady is stunning.)

My mother always loved to point out my faults–even imaginary ones she had projected onto me–in public. I’ll never forget the birthday party I had one year as a teenager. My mother had invited several of her friends to the apartment and some of my friends were there too. When it came time to open the gifts, she made sure hers was the first one I opened.

In the fancily wrapped box was a rather conservative, navy blue sleeveless dress. It was a nice dress I suppose, had I been about 40. She made me go try it on and then have me come out into the living room where everyone was sitting to model it. I obeyed because what else could I do, and she scared the living shit out of me.

Now, I was not overweight. At 5’4″, 120-125 lbs was about the right weight for my frame. But my backside was a little on the big side (not Kim Kardashian big, but still pretty round) and my mother was constantly calling attention to it. It made me very self conscious and due to this (as well as my desire to rebel against the way she’d dressed me like a doll when I was younger), I had taken to wearing baggy, masculine clothes that hid my curves. She was convinced I was “fat” and was always threatening to send me away to weight loss camp. As a somatic narcissist, she was obsessed with her own weight, physical appearance, and health. She seemed to judge other people by the way they looked instead of their personal qualities. Almost every day she called attention to how much weight I was putting on, or reminding me not to have seconds because of my “weight issues.” I become incredibly self conscious about my body as a result. It’s a miracle I didn’t develop an eating disorder.

weight-loss

Getting back to the birthday party and my “modeling session” in front of all the guests, after I modeled it, she announced that the dress’s dark color and style was flattering for someone with “Lauren’s little weight problem.”

You could have heard a pin drop in that room. I think everyone was shocked at her callous and embarrassing remarks. As for myself, I was so mortified I ran out of the room crying, which of course was a huge mistake because that gave my mother ammunition to remind everyone once again about how sensitive I was (and she didn’t mean this in a complimentary way). She was always making jokes at my expense and then when I didn’t laugh or if I looked hurt, it was always “Lauren is just being over-sensitive again” or “Lauren has no sense of humor.” I’ve heard this is quite a common accusation narc parents use against the child they have chosen to be their scapegoat. They hate sensitivity and love to turn it into a bad thing because it takes the responsibility for their cruel behavior off of them and puts the blame onto the child.

This is the sort of “flattery” a scapegoated child can get from a parent who is a malignant narcissist. There are times I feel guilty that I don’t feel more love for my mother than I do, but when I think of all the years she demeaned me and put me down, always going out of her way to make me feel small and worthless, I don’t feel so guilty about my ambivalent feelings toward her.

I don’t hate my mother. Instead, I pity her for being so shallow and never having known who her true self might have been. She’s an intelligent woman but you would never know it because she never was interested in ideas or the life of the mind. Her eyes glaze over if you try to engage her in any “deep” topics. She reads pulp novels and fashion magazines, never anything scholarly or educational.

She has now lost her beauty due to age (and too many facelifts) and she is all too aware it. Knowing she has lost her physical beauty–the one thing that gave her an identity of sorts–has turned her bitter and angry in her old age.

28 thoughts on “Narcissist parents demonize their own children.”

  1. So sad…that is exactly how Little AoA is treated by her dad and his mother. She is in the 99th percentile for height/weight for her age. At 6, she already makes comments about her body, that usually aren’t said until much older ages. I had a narcissistic step father from the ages of 11 to 20, who deflated my soul with weight shaming. I went on a month long starvation, eating nothing, and drinking only water and a special juice that he made. After 30 days, I fainted at the bus stop. When I look at pictures of young me, I am sad that I thought I was anything less than beautiful…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yeeeeeeessssssssss. This post is exactly what my momster does. It was always all about what was “wrong” with me, never what was right.

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  6. It is sad for your inner child to be so misjudged and demeaned by someone who is supposed to brag about you and love you unconditionally. It says more about HER than you. I too learned early not to let my toxic narcissist know what hurt me; thank God for therapy and meds. Too bad they can’t create a vaccine to protect kids from these malignancies. You do a service to reveal it all here. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I kind of think that in a society that promotes immediate gratification, it is indeed very difficult to take care of oneself let along take care of children. America is trully a narcissistic society. God forbid if we were to suffer or think about the other. It is easy for many, including myself, to blame parents. It is unfortunate that many parents are not equipped because they never received it to provide.

    As individuals, rather than looking inside, staying in the present, it is easy to look at the environment as the reason. Really, the only environment that matters is what is inside. Separation of taking care of oneself and narcissism is difficult. I do know that I think that the most narcissitic individuals may be the writers for which I am one.

    I think we live in a society that thrives on the label. Labels are for cans not people. We can say balance and living for the other is an ideal. Perhaps, it is and if writing helps others, so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You do make some good points. Labels can be convenient but can also be damaging.

      I think we may be too quick these days to “diagnose” anyone we don’t like with the N label.

      Iagree with you we live in a very narcissistic society that glorifies those traits and demeans compassion, humility, empathy and unconditional love. It holds up Christianity as the”national religion” and at the same time goes against everything Jesus himself taught us. So much hypocrisy, and hypocrisy itself is a narcissistic trait.
      It’s very sick. Mental illness has become so pervasive it’s almost abnormal not to have some sort of mental problem. But as R.D. Lange said, “insanity is the only sane way to cope with an insane world.”

      I agree many bloggers are narcissistic and perhaps I am a bit narcissistic myself (I think everyone is) but I think most of us who blog about narcissism are trying to help ourselves and others, not toot our own horn about how much we know and what “experts” we are. I’ll be the first to admit there’s a lot I don’t know.

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      • R.D. Lange was on to something when he made that profound statement. Frankly, the lines between self esteem and narcissism are blurred. I like what you said about the hypocrite. Certainly, JC was adamant about those traits and the leaders of today are both narcissistic and hypocritical. Thank you for you comment and compliments.

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  8. Sorry you went through that Otter, I was looking at albums at my mother’s house acouple years ago and saw me at 14, and I am barely fat, but the abuse for weight was never ending. It was like I was “cursed” to become severely obese because they focused on nothing else. It sickens me today. I want to throw up thinking of the abuses I took for being overweight and am glad I had the Lipedema diagnosis in hand when I wrote my NC letter.

    I almost cried right there but being around the narcs had to close down. Yes they would put us on display and mock us to other people. My parents told the cricket story over and over to embarrass and hurt me. It was to make me look “crazy”. Any of my emotions were to be devalued. Little kids are afraid of bugs but to narcs who want to feed on fear, it became a story for them to feed off of. I notice I have had a lifetime of them focusing on my shortcomings and that was one way they were able to destroy me in the eyes of others. “loser” fivehundredpound peep, looks she’s “too emotional”, “too sensitive”. I suppose among the dead inside, I should have just yawned as a little kid and been happy about bug guts all over my foot.

    Even the stupid story about me eating the dolphin fingers and wondering if was dolphin for real, what else would a little kid think? It’s a stupid unappetizing name too, probably one of those over-marketed type restaurants of the 1970s.

    It occurs to me they didn’t even “see” me as long ago as my college graduation. They basically made fun of me for Aspie related things and had no respect or love for me. I wonder if the poet wondered about the lack of information he was handed for the poem.

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  9. When I was 30 years old — more than half my life ago, eek! — I sent sample chapters and the synopsis of a novel I was writing to several publishers. Most replied with the standard form rejection letter, a couple took the time to write a personal note on the rejection, telling me not to give up because my writing had potential — and one editor with a large publishing house sent a letter saying she liked my sample chapters and wanted to read my entire manuscript as soon as it was finished.

    Winning a mega million dollar lottery wouldn’t have thrilled me half as much. After jumping up and down and squealing for joy, I ran to the phone and called… not my husband, not my best friend… the first person I called was my mother. I remember thinking, “NOW she will be proud of me!”

    When I told her my wonderful news, laughing and bubbling over with joy, I heard her say, in a very low voice: “oh no.” Then, after listening in silence while I excitedly told her all about my novel, my mother suddenly said “I have to go, I’ve got something on the stove,” and she hung up.

    About two weeks later a thick multi-stamped envelope arrived in the mail from my mother. Inside were fifty pages — that’s right, 5-0 — and these weren’t ordinary sized pages, either, they were big, yellow, legal-sized pages, covered with her small, neat handwriting.

    Those 50 pages started out like this:

    “I wish I could write a book to tell the whole world about what a horrible daughter you have always been. But since I don’t have a publisher, I will have to write it in this letter.”

    In all those 50 pages, there was just one sentence that wasn’t a put down. That singular sentence was: “I know your father has always loved you.” It was followed by this sentence: “However, he does not like you.”

    Guess who went into a deep depression and never finished that first novel….

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    • Hi, your story resonated with me and it is truly heartbreaking and chilling, as well, that in response she sent you a long heinous letter meant to crush you, I’m sure. My own mother is severely withholding and ice cold and mentally abusing as well. Only recently have I realized that she is a passive-aggressive narcissist, as well. Some of us just have ALL the luck….

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      • Hi, kitkat. The comment about the mother writing 50 pages of hate — that comment was written by me. I used to blog under the pen name Alaina. Now I’m using my real first name, but not my real last name. I kind of miss being Alaina, though. 🙂

        I’m sorry you had a mother similar to mine. It’s a hole that never seems to get filled, a wound that never completely heals.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Holy crap, I just now saw this. Your mother is an evil person. Sorry, but anyone who could do something so cruel and cold to their own daughter is beyond belief. However, it’s sadly quite common. My parents weren’t much better. When I was down on my luck and needed emotional and financial support I was told, “why don’t you join a nunnery?” and “move into a homeless shelter.” Even though I had young children. My family doesn’t deserve the term “family.”

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  11. When I was little I thought every thunderstorm was going to kill us. They really have us on this “being over sensitive”. But what else would they have done for supply, if we weren’t sensitive. I wish I could have not been afraid like that, that way she could not have tormented me. Mother told me we could get killed, or probably be killed, it was a game to hear to see me squirm.

    I know this because while she was smirking, she seemed very annoyed.

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  12. I can relate WHOAH can I relate. You know what I cant make my mind up about? If I care enough to show her how freakin’ _______ she makes herself look when she does those detestable things. Haha!!! I tell you what she’s doing- using trigger words to make you feel STUPID ANGRY EMBERASSED ETC. Your Mom is gay as Hell. She wants to be a puppeteer, she should fucking buy a puppet. Dont worry- anybody whose smart will sense she’s got issues. I think she’s got a dick stuck up her behind- it might explain why she’s so hornary. Im serious. If you want to help her, you’ve got to be a good Christian, devoted to God. Ask HER IF SHE IS WHAT SHE CONSIDERS “A GOOD CHRISTIAN”. Either way, YOUVE GOT TO GET YOUR MOMS PROBLEM out on the table, so to speak.

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  13. Here’s some tips on how I opened my Mom’s eyes to how to avoid the curses of THIS generation.
    1- This generation is very ethnic. Today’s coolest people are black, white, latino, thin, big, modest, confident. Tell her being outlandish isnt a crime.

    2- Open her eyes up to the SUCCESSFUL people of every ethnicity. Tell her its not about whats on the outside that makes people successful.

    3- Ask her if she hates current trends- make sure she doesn’t hate people for “twerking” or liking BRAND NEW things.
    If she does hate them, ask her if she wants an old pot of beans.lol

    5-Chances are your Mom grew up in a time when all things white were “right”- assure her that things have changed and that those times will never return.

    Remember, Your life OUGHT to be about YOU. Kill all your mother’s dreams of the past that haunts YOU. You’ve got to have taken the time to figure out why your mother cherishes the past and hates the present. AND you’ve got to be CONFIDENT enough to tell her the truth, firmly, about how her words affect you.

    DO YOUR HOMEWORK

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  14. Painful to read. I often wonder, Do other family’s have pain like I do.
    Well I see I’m not alone. The part about,”your too sensitive”. Omg.
    What a twisted condemnation.
    Both my fam and my ex fam were demonized, demonizers.
    As a Christian now I feel I am stronger (male age 60) and feel sad for them. Prayers.
    But after 25 years divorced it keeps pouring on. I’m very concerned for my barely surviving 23 year old girl whose mother decided gambling, smoking, and immorality was more important than her. But wow can she twist her story to always make herself look good. And she will continually blast all who challenge her. I had to change my phone number for many years to avoid her drunken mixed up jiberish nonsence. She claims she’s Bypolar.
    So it’s ok.

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  15. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I, too, was surrounded by narcissists my entire life. You just described both my Covert narcissistic mother and my malignant, sociopathic, narcissistic sister to a T! While my mother was, and still is, a lying, manipulative evil monster, it was my MNS that was in my face, screaming at times. Physically attacking me at times, then when she wasn’t doing that she was openly mocking me and making fun of me then calling me a “drama queen” it telling me I was “SOOOOOO sensitive” when I had a reaction. Of course. ALL of this was done with a full audience. Because what is a narc without an audience to abuse you with. My NM however, food everything behind my back. Acting so sweet to my face, playing the victim/martyr ALL the time, then stabbing me in the back. Anyone and anything was acceptable to my NM as long as it garnered jet attention and pity. They both disgust me and on Christmas day of 2012 I finally wised up and cut them both, along with my very narcissistic father and older sister. It nearly killed me. I couldn’t function for 2 1/2 years and ended up having a nervous breakdown. Thank God I did because that led me to a great doctor and therapist who. With the help of two medications and lots of therapy, showed me I was not the problem, they were.
    I applaud you for making your life public. These evil creatures live in the darkness, trying to keep the truth about them hidden from the rest of the world. My solace is that. While they may be able to fool many many people, they will never fool God. He will be their judge when their time comes and he will let them know, in the most horrific way possible. What they truly are. My peace comes from knowing this with all my heart and keeps me from becoming the dead, harden souls that they are.
    God keep you in his arms everyday.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Your MN mother sounds a lot like mine. Their “love” is a sham. Good on you for getting away and being good to yourself and realizing you are not the problem. I feel like blogging, therapy and God are showing me who I really am, not the “loser” I was told I was.

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