A new insight on being the only child of a narcissistic mother

candle

After putting up my post yesterday, I did more reading on the subject of being a child of a narcissistic parent because there was something in my experience that wasn’t quite sitting right with me and didn’t seem to “fit” the typical narcissistic parent/child relationship: the fact that my mother sometimes praised me effusively rather than using me as a scapegoat. Although usually these compliments were about innate qualities (such as my appearance or intelligence), there were a few occasions when I did get a genuine compliment on something I’d accomplished. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. I wasn’t sure how to explain the anomaly.

In further research after publishing my post, I came across this article that made it crystal clear why my situation was somewhat different than a scapegoated child who had siblings. Although I had older half-siblings on both parents’ sides, in THAT marriage I was the only child. Only children are under a lot of pressure to be all things to the narcissistic mother/father: scapegoat, Golden Child, comrade, worshipful subject, whipping post. While usually I was treated as a scapegoat (especially when my mother had the opportunity to triangulate against me or gaslight me with the help of her flying monkeys) because I was so sensitive (and they HATE that), there were times she was nice to me, even loving. But as a narcissist, she couldn’t truly love, so that “love” was fake and always shortlived. She usually employed this tactic when she was needy–in between her lovers, say, or when her pride had been hurt on the job or by another person. Sometimes she used it after we’d had a huge argument and she wanted to get me back into her good graces. Of course, she never SAID she was needy at these times, but she was needy because her source of narcissistic supply was threatened. So her false front of sweetness was a handy trick to get what she needed.

Most of the time, she only showed this sweet side to others, not to me. I was most convenient to her as a target of her rage because I had what she did not (high sensitivity and intuition) and she was terrified this quality might be her undoing–the thing that might cause me to “out” her one day, which is exactly what I’m doing but couldn’t until I went No Contact (I’ve been No Contact for several years actually). My high sensitivity was why I was usually a scapegoat although for my mother, I sometimes filled those other roles too when it was convenient.

It’s the narcissist’s fear of being “outed” that’s the real reason why they target and bully the most sensitive among us. It’s a shocking realization, but I really think that is what’s behind the narcissist’s hatred of “weakness.” This type of “weakness” they abhor and denigrate is a gift they were not endowed with, a gift they envy because of its power, and one they fear because they know it can hone in one the narcissist’s lies and pretenses like a laser beam and expose them for the monsters they really are, and that possibility scares the shit out of them. And I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s exactly why powerful narcissists in big government, big religion and big business so often demonize critical thinking, art, science, and spirituality (as opposed to dogmatic religion)–because these things are about TRUTH and thereby shed their light on the narcissists, exposing them and their lies. It’s also why they demonize the vulnerable among us (the poor, the homeless, the sick, the mentally ill, as well as LGBT and non-white minorities)–because the ugly consequences of psychopathic hatred and psychopathic policies can be best seen among these vulnerable groups who are unjustly blamed for their own condition.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
This entry was posted in abusive mothers, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, only children, scapegoating and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to A new insight on being the only child of a narcissistic mother

  1. luckyotter says:

    Comments are welcome as always.

    Like

    • Shannan Garbani says:

      Hi. I am a clinical psych gad student at Pepperdine doing a research paper on children of narcissistic mothers and wondered if you have some research studies on hand you might send me. I am finding some, yes. But since you have already studied this, I thought maybe you may have some good ones and more insight on this. We are looking to find a gap in the research to bring a new aspect of detail to those who are dealing with this in their adulthood. Thanks for your consideration :).
      Shannan

      Liked by 1 person

      • luckyotter says:

        Shannan, I really don’t have anything to send you right now, but several months ago I did help a researcher disseminate a questionnaire about adult children of narcissists conducted by the U of Georgia. I was promised the results when they came in and have permission to publish them here on this blog. I’ll email the researchers and ask when I might be hearing something, and hopefully that might help you out.
        Good luck with your graduate degree.

        Email me and as soon as I hear anything I will let you know. You can look under Contact Me in the header for my email.

        Like

  2. Curly says:

    So nice to have another blog to add to my reading list! (P.S. Otter was my nickname in college – so we’re practically sisters. lol)
    I am not an only child, but my sister (the main scapegoat) is 8 years older than me. My brother (GC) is 6 years older. I have to say that the confusion of playing both roles (but once a teenager – firmly ensconced in the scapegoat role since I stubbornly remained a worthless girl) is part of what took me so long to realize the full scope of the evil I survived. My father is the typical raging Narc – jury is still out on my mother, but leaning more and more towards believing that she is the even more insidious covert manipulator and not just an enabler.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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    • luckyotter says:

      You’re welcome Curly and thanks for the follow. It’s funny how sometimes the real Narc is the parent who appears to be the “good” one. For years I thought of my father as the worse parent because he was more prone to use corporal punishment and was stricter about rules etc. He also drank more than my mom. But gradually I became aware the real narc was my insidious mother with all her gaslighting and triangulation games; my father is more of the enabler who also rages.

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  3. Sara UK says:

    I too am an only child of what seems to be narcissistic parents For as long as I can remember, they have taken sides with each other against me, on practically everything. I am over 40 now (still single) and they are still doing it to me. One of Mum’s favourites is to totally ignore me when we disagree (she yells and screams at me) or go around singing when ever I try to speak. During this time, Dad will speak to me when he is alone, but not when Mum is around. It is very upsetting, and I cry a lot.

    I have became depressed, and had to get anti-depressants from my GP to help me cope. I had to move back home as my dad has a terminal illness (early stages) and now I have no life whatsoever Mum moaned at me smoking (she is an x-smoker) – and now she is complaining because I use the electronic cigarette instead. I cannot win. I can’t go for drinks with friends as she moans about that too.

    I do all the cooking and baking in the house, but it does not matter how much I do – it’s never enough for mum – she is constantly on and on at me – grinding me down, day by day, week by week, month by month. It’s just a constant struggle. Everyone else thinks my mum is the best thing since sliced bread, but I just tell them to go and live with her 24/7 and then see if they have the same opinion.

    A story that sticks in my mind (and my throat) is when my mum told me I was not welcome when THEIR friends (Mary & Sammy) come down to visit. I have to shut myself away in my room and home office. I think a lot of this couple (wish they were my parents) – and they used to bring me a bottle of wine down with them every other week so I could join them. We used to have some great conversations and an all round good night. Then one day after their visit – mum bluntly told me I was no longer welcome 😦 That HURT. Now she tells them I am too busy to the PC to join them for the evening, and told them to stop bringing me down a drink. However, when I got the chance, I spoke on the quiet to Mary & Sammy – and told them the truth of why I no longer join them for the evening. Sammy and Mary were shocked to say the least, but promised they would not let on I had told them ( and they haven’t).

    Then there was the Christmas dinner a few years ago (at a hotel) where I was /really/ ill. I tried my best to eat the meal (but I vomited in a dash to the loo) – My parents caused a scene in the hotel, saying I had shown them up!!! Since then I don’t go out with them on Christmas day for dinner. I have a meal for one instead. (Not that I am invited any way!).

    It’s a lonely life 😦 but I have some great friends who I can reach out to online, when things are not going well at home (most of the time). I often wonder if there is a point when it gets better? I’d like to talk to a councillor or therapist, but that would possibly cause more arguments. I think only when I am totally free, I will find happiness. Just now I am just existing.

    Sara UK

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Sara, thank you for sharing your story here. Your mother definitely sounds like a narcissist from what you have said, and a malignant one too. She has spent her whole life denigrating and demeaning you, and starting drama during times that should be good. That’s a shame about your dad and the fact he has to deal with her during his last days.
      It’s a great thing that you are finally discovering how toxic she has been toward you. It sounds like you were the family scapegoat, just as I was.
      A therapist would be beneficial to help you sort out everything because no doubt she did a lot of damage to your self esteem. Many ACONs (adult children of narcissists) suffer from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and even personality disorders like Borderline PD or even narcissism (because it tends to run in families).
      I cannot diagnose you of course, but by writing about it you are helping to heal yourself. I started this blog as a form of therapy for myself because I could not afford a therapist (I live in the US, so healthcare is expensive here) and it’s working wonders. Best therapy I ever had and I’m rediscovering my love of writing and myself! It’s been great.
      I hope you decide to stick around and post here — I think this is a very healing community.

      Like

      • Sara UK says:

        Thanks so much for your reply, Lucky 🙂

        It has been very comforting to know that I am not alone. I thought it was only angsty teenagers who had issues with their parents. I am 45 years old, and sometimes the stress and upset is so bad – that I actually feel physical pain and heaviness in my chest. I am being ‘ignored’ just now, since Friday, and have been in tears (alone) for two days. I was accused of something I did not do. This happens often.

        I did venture down today and mum was in the kitchen (I’d have waited if I had known she was in there) -as soon as I opened the door, she began her inane singing. My chest seized, and was only just able to bite back the tears long enough to get some orange juice (I have not been able to eat for two days – it’s how it affects me) She never said a word. And yet if anyone was to call or visit – she would act normally – and be all sweetness and light to me, in front of them – then as soon as they leave- I would get ignored again.

        This is emotional abuse, but I remember even as a child, I would get ignored for punishment (and physical punishment). When I got to 12 years old, the punishments were all The Silent Treatment. More like The Silent Killer. The last time it happened, I actually broke down in GP’s surgery – that is when he prescribed me anti-depressants.

        I am not really an emotionally strong person. The constant arguments and bouts of the silent treatment – turn me into a shaking, tearful mess – but I can empathize with others in the same boat as myself. It frightens me the way my mum behaves (especially the shrieking and yelling) and I know that I could never do that to anyone.

        Sara UK

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          It’s really incredible the way toxic parents can still influence us far into our adult lives. I’m still afraid of mine and I’m in my 50s!
          She definitely scapegoats you. Even just doing annoying things–that singing thing would drive me insane–are meant to make us feel terrible and miserable.

          You sound like you may be an empath or as HSP (highly sensitive person) and we are exactly the kind people malignant narcissists like your mum go after and victimize.
          Why do they do that? Most likely because of their pathological envy. See, we are really STRONG because we have the ability to feel –and they cannot but wish they could–so they attack those of us who can. Our high sensitivity also scares them because they know we KNOW what they are and have their number. They live in mortal terror that we will call them out for what they really are. That’s why they hate us but are attracted to us too.

          That pain you feel in your chest means you need to cry — but it sounds like you did, and that’s healthy. The pain needs to be released, but Sara, you need to find some way of disconnecting from your mum. she is trying to destroy you . If you can go no contact, or even low contact, you will not believe the way your life will change for the better. In the meantime, keep writing about it because that will help you too. We’re all here for you.

          Liked by 1 person

        • Jen says:

          Sara, I am now 59 !! and have just discovered (in the last month!) that my mother is a narcissist. I am not an only child, I am the scapegoat though. I have read up and read up on this and I believe the narcissist “feeds” off the pain of others like a vampire feeds off the blood of others. Your mother, I believe, is deliberately causing you pain in order to feed off it like a junkie. You are basically her “supply” Once you realize this your view of things changes for ever and, unfortunately, will probably experience post traumatic stress. I am in this stage at the moment. Please dont wait until you are almost 60 like me to get help and get out of this situation. You are not alone!
          Jen UK

          Liked by 1 person

          • luckyotter says:

            Congratulations on discovering the truth about your mother. I know that’s a weird sort of thing to congratulate anyone for, especially because the realization can be so painful, but until we do that we can’t move forward or forgive ourselves. I don’t know why it always seem to happen so late in life either. Almost all the ACONs I know didn’t realize the truth about their families until they hit their 40s and 50s. Perhaps it’s because narcissism wasn’t widely discussed or even known much about until fairly recently. I think it’s great this huge problem is finally being addressed.

            Like

    • Meredith says:

      My God. You are not supposed to be treated that way by anyone. Do you see a therapist? Please believe that you are being so badly mistreated, and if at all possible get out of there while you have some life ahead of you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sara UK says:

        No Meredith I haven’t, my GP has put me on the list for one. Unfortunately there is about a three year waiting time, and I cannot afford to go private. But after my NM’s latest ban (see my new post below) – I have decided to talk with the council about a house/flat. It’s time to move out (again). NC is the only way I will be able to keep what sanity I have left. Thank you for your kind words ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Sara UK says:

    The ignoring siege is finally over for another while. Mum began speaking to me, as she wanted cakes baked and greetings cards made. However, I have noticed that it’s always Mum who breaks the silence – usually when she wants something (that I normally do anyway). The funny thing about it is – she just acts as if nothing had happened (like she never ignored me at all – for whatever reason).

    When I am upset after a war of words, I retreat to my room, where I can heal from the poison it causes. Mum cannot ignore me if I am not there – so eventually she begins talking again – and I return to my usual duties….. until the next time!

    My parents are going away for a few days, so I am going to enjoy the peaceful serenity of silence and just relax and recharge.

    I wish I COULD have zero contact, Lucky, or even limited contact, but I gave up my flat (council) – and moved back home to be my dad’s carer when he gets worse, and he is failing. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to move out again – as I am only on a carers wage of £60 a week (approx $90). I have said before that I was moving out again – but that just causes even more arguments. It’s not worth the hassle – as one day – I would like my inheritance. Also one day, I would love to have dog to share my life with.

    I was never allowed any pets as a child (That caused many tears and tantrums) – and Mum still won’t allow pets in her house (except goldfish – not exactly what I had in mind). One day I hope to be totally happy and enjoy getting up in the morning. I hope also to fulfil a few pipe dreams along the way. If wishes were white horses……….*Sigh* ….. Until then, I guess I will just have to carry on being the scapegoat. I often wonder what it would have been like to have brother’s or sisters – and find myself envying those who do. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sara UK says:

    My silence and serenity was broken when my parents returned from their two day break – you heard right – two days. Mother’s day (UK), I spent a fortune on a lovely dress, but Mum said she didn’t want it – asked for the receipt, then took it back to the shop. Charming. That hurt me a bit. I’d never do that, even if I disliked the gift – as it’s the thought that counts. But hey, ho – I should have known I would not get any thanks for my efforts. Luckily she liked the cake I made. I should be thankful for small mercies, I suppose – and they are almost microscopic. *sigh*

    Tomorrow there will be more arguments because I was watching my TV (in my room) until after 11pm – and got told to put it off. Crime of the century, because I dozed off towards the end. But THEY go out and leave their TV blaring for hours at a time. But it’s okay when THEY do it. Sometimes I want to scream, but instead I just let all the pain out in private tears. I know how caged animals must feel. I want to escape, get my freedom back, but I can’t. I try to brave it out, but feel like I am losing every battle.

    I found this – and I saw myself :-:-.

    Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others is usually the one who needs to be taken care of the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are I love you, I’m sorry, and Help me?

    Sometimes just because a person looks so happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. To all of you who are going through some issues right now — Let’s start an intention avalanche. We all need positivity and love right now. Set your intention for the day: Today I will give love to every person that crosses my path. Today I am compassionate. Today is a beautiful day. Love, to all.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I love this:
      Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others is usually the one who needs to be taken care of the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are I love you, I’m sorry, and Help me?
      Beautifully states and all too true. Unkindness, meanness and lack of compassion seems to be the way to go in this world . How very sad thse strong qualities are seen by so many as “weaknesses”
      I am sorry your mum treats you that way. It sounds like she is a very sad and miserable person inside.

      Like

  6. Patricia Chubb says:

    Thank you for your blog! There is lots out there on adult children of NMs, but not much on only children, who unfortunately are the target of ALL the stuff handed out. I think we get in deep, I know I never realized why I couldn’t ever get along with my mom, I thought it was just me. And she was just adoring enough to make me question my perceptions, but I always thought something was “off”. After four years of therapy, I understand that my mother is high on the N spectrum and my father was the “go along to get along” enabler. From your blog, I’m realizing that he was also her flying monkey. He was such a peacemaker that I never fully realized his role. Thank you for validating my fear of my mother. I am 60, she is 89, and I am still afraid of her. After several years of LC, I recently finally went NC, but she continues to harass my adult children. I’ll be reading more about the elderly NM and the NM after death, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her affect me after she’s dead!
    Thanks for putting yourself out there to help the rest of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Patricia,
      Nope, there’s not much about the only children of narcs. I think only children have a really rough time of it, because not only are they the only target of abuse, but they usually (or very often) serve TWO roles–as both Scapegoat and Golden Child, like I did. Being both is very, very crazymaking.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sara UK says:

    I had to get away from my NM for a time, as she had me in tears or upset every other day (see my posts above) I spent a wonderful 10 days in London with my best friend – and there were only tears of happiness. Although Pat lives hundreds of miles from me, she has been rock through my NM’s emotional abuse.

    I returned from London last night exhausted but feeling wonderful…………. then I returned home to my NM and my ailing father. Within ONE hour of being home, my NM had me in tears AGAIN, and had to reach for my anti-depressant medication (which I did not need in London). My NM had drew up a list of NEW house rules, while I was away (If you read my past posts you will see why I moved back home) and she said, “I don’t want to fall out with you but…. your ecig is now banned from MY house, so you will either have to go outdoors (in all weathers) to vape, go without or move out (For five years, she allowed it}.

    Vaping helped me quit a 40 a day habit, and I had the bonus of vaping while working on my PC etc. When I first began vaping instead of smoking, my NM thought is was great. My health improved immensely, and I did not reek of cigarette smoke any more. However as time went on my NM moaned that Vaping stank, and went about holding her nose and other childish behaviour.

    I knew within my heart that a vaping ban was on the cards (she has banned everything I enjoyed from HER house)- but I did not expect it as soon as I arrived home from London. My chest tightened so much with pain and it ran down my right arm. I knew I was going to cry, but I was determined to wait until I reached my room. I said, “Then I will go to the council and explain my situation, and ask to be considered for a house/flat, just as soon as I have recovered from my holiday.” My ailing father piped up, and said, “Please don’t be too hasty.” (I am his carer, but my NM is fast sending me to a nervous breakdown) “I have to move out. Vaping was the only thing I had left, which I enjoy very much. I am ” (I will vape under my duvet now) – My NM chimed in, “Well you have a ton of stuff and we are not helping you move out.” By this time the pain in my chest got so bad. I NEEDED to cry. “The council will help – they did before.” I said calmly,before walking out of the lounge. I took my case upstairs, and when I was safely in my room, I cried a LOT – and woke up crying still at 6am.

    I am a wreck today and in no fit state to call the council housing and make an appointment, even though I have taken my medication – but I will this week – I can’t go on like this, I really can’t, as I fear the anxiety and tightening chest will bring on a real heart attack (this has happened, and one woman actually died as a result.

    Today I took my anti-depressants, and stayed in bed (still crying) while my NM is singing at the top of her voice all around the house (and ignoring me). She was at death’s door when I called two days ago from London……. Yes, it’s time for me to move out. I will lose my carer’s wage, but I’d rather be poor and happy than end up in coffin before I reach 50.

    I do feel sad for my father ( he is ailing rapidly ), it’s not HIS rules that are forcing me to move out. My NM has always wore the trousers (once threatening my father that she was taking me away for good JUST because he went to the pub after work for a pint. I was about 4 or 5 – but I clearly remember mum getting me out of bed and dressed. My father never went for a drink with his work mates again after that night.)

    Thank you again for this blog, LuckyOtter, which allows me to share my experiences with you and others, and thank you to all who have replied to my real life stories. I will keep you posted about my application for council housing, and what help can be offered to me for removal of my belongings etc. If the news is good, it will be MY turn to sing at the top of my voice, whilst boxing up my possessions ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Finding Myself Again says:

    Thank you for your post. I happened upon your post today because of something my husband said to me this morning. We have been married a year, and dealing with issues of his over-bearing narcissistic mother. While I can easily identify the problem behavior in her, it took my husband relating my mother to his mother, to get me to stop and think. He, of course, is absolutely right. After coming to terms with identifying narcissistic behavior, it took my mom ignoring me for a month (since Mother’s Day) for me to finally open my eyes to MY Mother’s behavior. (We needed to speak about a family member coming into town, so she used that convo to dump on me about HER issues with ME at Mother’s Day; then doesn’t acknowledge that a phone works two ways, but insists that I haven’t called her…}

    To make a long story short:
    -I am on the verge of turning 30
    -My parents divorced when I was 4 (and I’m an only child)
    -Dad was an “absentee” father – where my mom claimed she shared all of my school events/sports games with…and HE chose not to show
    -Dad remarried when I was 6; step-mom couldn’t have biological children, so they adopted one son – (my ‘brother’)
    -Since turning 21, I have not spoken to my Dad’s side of family
    -Have been in therapy 3 times (at 6 yrs. old); around 15/16; and again after my grandfather died at 21
    -My mom’s life revolves around me (which I cannot stand) – or at least it used to; as soon as I moved out of the house, I haven’t looked back (although, I feel I regressed b/c I had to move back in with her after college)
    -After being married for months (and with my partner for 8 years), Mom out of the blue said to me “[Daughter}, you are my best friend” – to which I was VERY uncomfortable with (because MY best friend is my husband)
    -My mom never dated/remarried because men would “harm me”
    -She would alternate between telling me how smart I was, to me not being good enough (with grades, sports, etc), to flat-out ignoring me (literally living in the same home and being walked past or not talked to for days)
    -I have felt very lonely in life (in both child-hood and adult-hood)
    -Sometimes I feel like my mom scapegoats me against my husband (I complained about this on said mother’s day — how I feel that she likes him better than me, because she was ignoring me…again – but her side of it was that she was ignoring me because of my behavior)
    -She is clearly not a great communicator
    And I could go on and on. I’m sitting here trying to find memories from my childhood and its kind of hard. I remember the summers spent at my grandparents, or the fun I had with friends, but all I remember of her is trying to live up to her expectations of me.

    Even now, as an adult, I feel like I can’t move to another state if my husband and I wanted to. I was simply mentioning to her that my husband and I were thinking of moving (in a few years), and she freaked out! She started crying at dinner and said something along the lines of her ‘needing me around her.’ So it wasn’t anywhere near a done deal and all she could care about was her!

    Now, I’m at the point where I don’t want to share things with her because she makes everything a bigger deal than it is. I had shared some things about my narcissistic mother-in-law (NMIL) and yesterday, I kid you not, she said to me “well, all these things that you’re picking up about your NMIL, you’re treating me the same way.” I said “that’s not fair” and refused to engage in that discussion with her. She’s using things in other parts of my life against me in the argument with her. Ugh!!!

    This post is a lot longer than I intended, but I guess my heart needed to share. Thanks to everyone who posted before me…your support is needed!

    ❤ Finding Myself Again ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      FMA, I am so glad you found this post and commented. I bet it feels good to get it all out on “paper.”
      Your mother definitely sounds like a controlling narcissist. Not all narcissists are “mean” or obviously abusive, but the type of behavior you describe is also abuse because of the way she tries to control you, making you afraid to be honest with her, and more than anything else, she has ZERO respect for your boundaries. They use guilt and shame to get you to do their bidding, but they don’t care about how YOU feel, only about their own feelings and making sure you give them their dose of narcissistic supply.
      You may be interested in this article, and I’m sure you can find your mother in these words:
      https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/05/31/what-she-says-what-she-really-means/

      I surmise you are not No Contact with her. Is that something you would consider? If not, you need to make your boundaries clear to her. She will not like it, and will try to make you feel guilty or might even get angry, but it’s better than allowing her to continue to overstep them and try to control you by putting you on constant guilt trips/gaslighting. It’s very easy to feel sorry for someone like your mom, and I did too until I realized this is really just a covert form of NPD. They are just as destructive as the more mean, aggressive types. I’m glad you posted!

      Like

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    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sara, UK says:

    I finally decided to go LC or NC (see previous posts) – but in my preparations to move out, this has sparked my mum’s narcissistic rage (yelling and screaming at me). I am 46 y/o now and this /still/ terrifies me so much. Her face goes red and her eyes almost bulge out of her sockets like a woman possessed. Therefore, I have spent less time looking for a flat as I am crying so much that I hyperventilate (alone in my room – not in front of her).

    I tried to discuss renting a flat calmly with her, but she just got enraged and began stuffing my things into bin bags. I even cancelled a meeting with my friend as mum said I had to help her make curtains, but when I asked what I can do, she snapped “Nothing!” I was astounded and my mouth fell open. I reminded her that I cancelled plans with Karen, so I could help her – then she screeched at me, yelling that I should go and live with Karen 😦 It was just pure nastiness. As a result, I am being ignored again 😥

    There has to be a better existence than this? I have another appointment with my GP for higher dose anti-depressants. I wish I did not have to take them, but mum’s narcissistic rages make me sick and a trembling wreck.

    I am trying hard (when I can) to look for affordable flats I can rent, but the atmosphere in the house is hellish and more often than not, I am sobbing my heart out.

    Mum (or mega-beast as I refer to her inwardly) makes ME out to be the villain 😦 She tells others I am moving out because I am desperate to get away from her, telling them that I am selfish and childish (NOT because she has banned my only pleasures in life, as this would make HER look bad). She laughs sarcastically at me, telling me I must hate her, she would be better off dead, I am ungrateful, I’ll never manage on my own (I have done before and I was happy). In her rages, she yells at me stuff like “Move out today! I’m not stopping you!” (God I wish I could)

    I am still striving to be moved into a flat by Christmas. I am looking forward to having friends round, and only having my OWN rules to adhere too. My Dad who is will does not want me to move out – but as always takes mum’s side (two against one) – though lately he says nothing when mum screeches and yells at me.

    Everyone else thinks that my mum is the best thing since sliced bread, and speaks of how wonderful she is. They do not have to live with her. They don’t see her nasty rages. They don’t see the truth. They don’t see the pain she causes. I have actually cried so much, that I now have spider veins on my face, my nose is permanently blocked and my eyes are bloodshot all the time.

    My health has actually failed since I went on a flat hunting spree to get away from mum once and for all. It’s like living in a war zone – but I have to break free. I cannot afford to weaken my resolve now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Sara, I want to answer this post but not sure how good any advice I give might be. Tomorrow I’ll write more when my mind is a little fresher. Hugs!

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