Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small.

internet_fame

DISCLAIMER:
I feel like a disclaimer is needed, though the above photo should be enough of a disclaimer, because it says it all. Someone made a sarcastic remark about how I think I’m a celebrity because of this post, so I let their comment make me set this post to private, because I don’t have a thick skin and am too chicken to come out with a snappy or snarky comeback. I always think other people can get away with doing that, but I won’t be allowed to. It’s because of my past. I was never allowed to speak my mind or have a voice. Now I’ve internalized that and don’t allow myself a voice sometimes. I’m getting better but I’m not out of the woods yet.

In no way do I put myself in the same category as celebrities (who are just people who get wrinkles, have morning breath, and have to use the toilet sometimes like everyone else). I thought I made the distinction pretty clear. For someone who has felt like a nothing my entire life, and always been told I am nothing, and treated with disdain and disrespect, even by the people who were supposed to love me, a little thing like having 1,000 followers or having articles that get popular can seem like a huge deal. To a normal person with healthy self esteem and who felt loved and had a normal sense of belonging, such an achievement might seem like nothing, but to me, it’s a huge accomplishment. If people have an issue with this, and want to judge me for this, or think I’m saying I’m a celebrity, maybe they need to look in the mirror at themselves and stop being so judgmental. Nothing makes me more angry than being judged, especially by people who know next to nothing about me or what motivates me.

I’m tired of always feeling like I have to apologize just for existing. I’ve felt that way all my life.
So, here is that “offensive” article.

I think it would be hard to be famous. Imagine millions of people you never met and never will meet knowing everything about you, obsessing over every detail of your personal life, staring at your pictures, talking about you amongst themselves, worshipping you, hating you, carrying lunchboxes with your photo on them or wearing clothes or perfume with your name on them. Imagine going into a grocery store to buy some butter and finding your own mug plastered on every tabloid. Imagine total strangers walking up to you and addressing you by name and trying to touch you. No wonder celebrities hate the paparazzi. Sure, getting cameras shoved in your face comes with the territory of being famous/getting paid as if you’re a small nation (and should be accepted with grace under normal circumstances), but when a celebrity just has enough of the lack of privacy and punches a photographer in the face, I totally get it. Celebrities are only human, after all. They’re not “special” or somehow above the rest of humanity; they were just lucky or worked very hard or have a special gift to get where they are. Or they have a famous dad. *cough*The Kardashians*cough*

I’m far from famous, but lately this blog has gained enough visibility that I have “haters” and “fans.” I don’t want to be hated or worshipped; frankly I don’t think I deserve either. I’m just a regular and rather boring person who knows about a lot about something and knows how to write about it. I’m glad my blog is doing well. It feels good. It validates what I’m doing. It feels good to know that someone somewhere may find some help or hope through my words. It feels good when someone reblogs an article of mine or tells me something I said changed their life, or even just made their day a little better. It makes me feel like I have some purpose in this world, after years of believing I had no purpose other than to be an example to other people of how NOT to be. Someday I may achieve some level of notoriety if I write the book I want to write (and as of now, I have no earthly idea what sort of book I would write), or something incredible happens like The Huffington Post decides to pick up an article I wrote, or even if I ever get Freshly Pressed. More likely than not, I won’t be famous even then. I don’t really care either, because fame has never been something I strove for.

But there are still days when as a somewhat successful blogger (and by that I just mean this blog has grown steadily due to some fortuitous circumstances and a LOT of hard work on my part, not that I’m the new Opinionated Man or anything) I feel too naked and exposed. At these times I say to myself, “I’m not ready! Wait! This is too scary!” I feel that way right now.

When your blog starts becoming visible and coming up on page 1 or 2 in the search engines, sometimes certain articles you wrote suddenly get shared a lot or even go viral. If the article is one you’re proud of and worked hard on, it’s a great feeling. But sometimes an article you kind of wanted to get buried quickly and forgotten gets found anyway and starts gaining momentum. This isn’t really a bad thing. After all, if I really didn’t want an article to be read, I would have set it to “Private.” So sure, I suppose I wanted it to be read, but I didn’t want it to go viral either. So at this moment, I’m feeling a tad too exposed and naked for comfort. It’s silly to feel like this, but sometimes I just do. I’ve always been a reserved, shy kind of person (I’m textbook INFJ) and while I like a moderate amount of attention occasionally — just to make sure I still exist (how narcissistic of me) — I don’t want negative attention or an excessive amount of attention, whether negative or positive. I’ve always been uncomfortable being the focal point in any situation that involves more than two people. I’m easily embarrassed. I blush and stammer. I act weird and awkward. When I turned three, I cried when they sang Happy Birthday. This natural reticence is actually good, because it reassures me I’m not the raving narcissist I sometimes think I am (or God forbid, could be turning into).

So I have mixed feelings about having so much visibility right now. I know “Internet fame” is kind of a huge joke (visualize rolling eyes and knowing snickers), but I won’t lie–there are days I really do enjoy the attention. But not every day. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small. Sometimes I feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re walking down a street or into a classroom or something and suddenly realize you don’t have any clothes on. It’s a weird and surreal experience, knowing so many strangers, some in exotic places like Mongolia or Kenya, are reading words that once lived only within the shadowy recesses of my brain, and are having their own thoughts and reactions I will never be privy to. It’s like a tiny taste of what it might feel like to be famous, and while it has its moments, I don’t think I could ever really get used to it. It just ain’t in my nature.

My attitude really just depends on which article of mine is getting so many views, and what sort of mood I’m in. I’m not at all sure I would handle fame well if I ever write a book that becomes a bestseller (not that it’s likely to happen). I might want to show up at book signings wearing a paper bag over my head with eyeholes in it-or at least a pair of dark sunglasses. Or become a recluse like J. D. Salinger. Or contemptuous of fame like Kurt Cobain. Especially because most of the things I write about make me feel so vulnerable. From Day One, I made a commitment to be 100% candid at all times and to hold back nothing. I’ve probably only achieved about 95% Total Emotional Honesty (if you knew the other 5% you’d be hitting the “Escape Button” faster than I can type “Wait! Please let me explain!”), but I guess that’s close enough.

Writers are a weird and tortured lot, I can assure you of that. You wouldn’t want to be inside my head most of the time.

About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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17 Responses to Some days I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small.

  1. Thumbup says:

    Yeah, I can image how one would feel so exposed!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Minnie says:

    Soon you won’t be able to walk the streets without being hounded by the paparazzi and blinded by flash bulbs… not to mention all those people begging for your autograph!! Most people make nothing of high google rankings. But not you! You see yourself as famous!

    Like

  3. Minnie says:

    You are nowhere near famous and will likely never be, so why the fear of fame? People fear things that “could” happen. Your post suggests that you are anticipating fame. I enjoy your blog and find your point of view interesting and you display a lot of spunk so please, no hard feelings. It’s the kind of ribbing I would give to a friend who needed . Keep things in perspective. You are

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Minnie, sometimes ribbing online is hard to detect because there are no cues like facial expression, etc. Sorry, your comment triggered me, but it’s okay, now that you’ve explained what you meant, and you meant no harm, no hard feelings on this end either. And by the way, I saw your other comment, which was very sweet and I appreciate it. I am glad you like my blog and hope you stick around even after my little temper tantrum, lol! I can take ribbing, but next time put a j/k or ๐Ÿ˜‰ or something. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Minnie says:

        sorry about the typos in the post… it slipped away from me and got published before I could make corrections. I meant to say it’s the kind of ribbing I would give to a friend to keep things in perspective. But what do I know?! Maybe you will be famous and then I can say, I knew Lucky Otter when…

        I will try and make use of emoticons in the future (smiley face). Thank you for being so gracious… another (smiley face with a tongue sticking out and a wink).

        Liked by 1 person

  4. safirefalcon says:

    I had to laugh at the paper bag with eye holes. I’ve thought about making YouTube videos like that. LMAO.

    Sorry your feeling so scared and vulnerable. Idk, maybe internet fame is a joke but it does happen. Thing is (and I know this isn’t your primary reason for blogging) you need to be somewhat popular to make money online. You need that tribe.

    Maybe that can happen in another niche where you’re not so vulnerable.

    Either way, I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Oh, I feel fine. Thanks for the encouagement though. I just got my May WordAds statement–I made $22. LMAO! Try living on that. I do this for the love, not the money, but it wouldbe nice to make a living doing this. I think it will take a book though, tbh.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Michele Eve says:

    Thank you LO, for this. Many of us realise it isn’t just the idea of being ‘famous’; that’s just the logical conclusion you use effectively here. Social media is the ultimate Diva realm, where the ones making the most noise are usually those I like to label The Outrage Entitled, in that their entire reason for any contribution to society is one of being outraged by anything and everything, but who offer no real contribution to the debate. It is just a function for venting their own inner scary landscape. (It could become a new and separate psychological definition perhaps.) What you do describe is something that doesn’t need being famous to suffer from. How many people won’t say much of anything anywhere on-line especially, simply because of the threat from the Outrage Entitled brigade? Nothing to do with being famous, everything to do with being bullied and brow-beaten for the sake of it. Keep strong and please keep blogging.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. susanbotchie says:

    Gaslighting bullies can blow it out their arse. Love your blog ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I agree, I have been viciously attacked by another bully today (on FB this time). It is what it is. Bullies exist, best to not let them get to you, but it’s so hard.

      Like

  7. luckyotter says:

    Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:

    This article embarrasses me now, but I think it’s a great example of how narcissistic I can be sometimes, even online. I just thought I ought to call myself out about it now. This is covert narcissism in a nutshell.

    Like

  8. Where is that bully comment?

    I didn’t see anything narcissistic about this blog or how that person thought you wanted to be famous. You were pretty clear you didn’t want to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I know, and thanks but I still think it comes across self pitying and petulant. I actually laughed reading it again. I can’t believe I wrote this only 2 months ago.

      Like

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