Lies my narcissists told me.

lies_honesty

I was told many lies about myself while growing up within my my FOO (family of origin). I have no doubt this had everything to do with my developing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), and lifelong severe anxiety.

Why personality disorders are so difficult to cure.
Personality disorders (PD’s) are formed very early in life, normally before the age of six–which is the reason they are so hard to cure. Because the child’s personality is still in a malleable state (meaning it hasn’t fully formed) until around age 5, PD’s become an integral part of the personality and therefore can be extremely difficult to eradicate because they were formed so early the child doesn’t believe it’s a problem, just the way things are. Their misery seems normal to them. They know nothing else.

Of course some PD’s are more amenable to treatment than others, and sufferers of some PD’s, such as Avoidant, Dependent, and sometimes Borderline, are much more likely to seek treatment than those with, say, ASPD (antisocial personality disorder), NPD (narcissism), or Schizoid PD.

Lies I was told growing up.

sensitive_people
As the family Scapegoat (and occasional Golden Child which I’ll explain later in this article), here are some of the lies I was told while I was growing up:

“You’re too sensitive!” — This one’s the Big Kahuna for many of us ACONs, especially if we’re also HSPs (highly sensitive people) by nature. “You’re too sensitive” isn’t so much a lie as it is a verbal twisting of a wonderful gift and ability to see the Truth into something…more resembling an embarrassing defect. Narcissistic lies sometimes appear in the form of turning something good into something shameful and bad, and vice versa.

“You have no sense of humor.” (see above)

“You don’t really want that.” (the parent is telling the child what they really think–this will just cause confusion and identity issues for the child)

“No one wants to know how you feel.” (so we learn to swallow our pain and lock up our emotions)

“You cry too much.” (I had to unlearn this–unfortunately I unlearned it too well and now find it difficult to cry even when I know I need to)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” (invalidation and devaluation)

“You know you don’t really think that.” (massive mindfuckery)

“You don’t really want to join the swim team. You know you don’t like competition.” (see above–the real message here being “you are a weak, pathetic, scared loser” to really drive the message home)

“You’re too fat/heavy/even ‘obese’ (I was never more than 120 lbs at 5’4” as a teenager)

“They don’t like you because you’re always so unpleasant to be around.” (Real nice)

“You never smile and it makes your face look unpleasant.” (Fake Narc smiles look even more ‘unpleasant’)

“You read too much.” (okay…would it be better if I snorted Smarties instead or went around throwing rocks through the neighbors’ windows?)

“You know you’re not really good at that.” (whenever I wanted to try something I hadn’t tried before)

“You know you can’t do that, let me do it.” (I wanted to wash the dishes when I was 6)

“You’re too idealistic” (mmmkay…and that’s a bad thing?)

Because I was raised as an only child (I had half-siblings who did not live with us), I also served as the Golden Child. So I also heard lies like,

“They’re just jealous of you because you’re prettier than they are.” (even as a first grader, I knew this was bullshit).

child_on_pedestal

“They’re just jealous of you because you’re smarter than they are.” (my grades weren’t much above average, in spite of having a high IQ)

“You are more talented than they are.”

“We have better genes than those other people.” (Narc genes?)

“You come from a better family than your friends do.” (I call bullshit on that.)

You were the best dancer in the school play.” (I have two left feet and even my dog would have known that was an outrageous lie).

It doesn’t stop when you go No Contact.

flying_monkeys

These are some of the lies told about me by my mother to her sycophants (the ones I’m aware of):

“She’s a loser just like her ex-husband” (Nice.)

“She always makes such terrible choices.” (True, but there were extenuating circumstances at those times she would never understand)

“If only she had done what I told her.” (If only I had had the courage to take a few risks-I am extremely risk-averse)

“If only she had listened to me.” (Again, if only I had taken a few risks and not been so afraid of my own shadow)

“She’s a nothing.” (I guess that’s why people tend to always talk over me, look through me, and never hear what I have to say in group or social settings–where I FEEL like a nothing)

“She was ruined by her ex” (this is a half-truth…but RUINED? Really? Let’s tone down the hyperbole, shall we?)

“She will always be poor.” (and the poor are always with us, right?)

“She will never achieve anything.”

“She can never stick with anything.” (This has actually been true but has gotten a lot better)

“She has mental problems.”

“She is sick in the head.”

Ad nauseam…

Conflicting messages as Scapegoat/Golden Child

ConflictingMessages

Black-and-white thinking (idealizing/devaluing) and outrageous contradictions prevailed in my FOO.
As both Scapegoat and Golden Child, I was receiving two sets of messages (sometimes both at the same time), such as, “You know you don’t really want that, because you’re too sensitive, you hate competition and you are smarter than they are.”
I think you get the idea.

Being raised with conflicting sets of messages and being treated as beloved/rejected child at once was incredibly crazymaking.

Borderline Personality Disorder (or even narcissism!) and Avoidant Personality Disorder (I have both BPD and AvPD) both seem like logical, almost sane reactions to having been raised with two conflicting sets of messages–I was either all bad or all good, with no in between.

And finally, it doesn’t end there. Raised by narcissists, I married one even worse. A narcissist so malignant he made my parents look like empathic light beings in comparison. I was trained to be Supply and was WAY too good a student. If awards were given for Learning How to Be Narcissistic Supply, I would have been valedictorian.

Lies my psychopathic narcissist ex-husband told me.

gaslighting

Following are the lies my malignant narcissist sperm donor told me about myself and also told all the flying monkeys he had succeeded in turning against me (some of who included my friends) over 28 years. This led to my PTSD and clinical depression (where I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation). Most of these were projections of his own character flaws onto me.

“You are selfish/self-centered.”

“You always overreact to everything.”

“You never listen to me”

“You don’t care about me or my problems.”

“You have no empathy for me.”

“You are narcissistic.”

“You are becoming just like one of them” (he was referring to Republicans, who he hates)

“Oh, so now you’re living the high life?” (when I took in a roommate while he was homeless)

“You are a b**ch, c*nt, Tw*t, whore.”

“You are stupid.”

“You have no common sense.”

“You’re insane.”

“There’s something wrong with you.”

“You’re just like your family–all crazy.”

…as well as a constant barrage of hateful sarcasm at my expense, whether there were people present or not. If I objected to this mean spirited “humor,” I was told–WHAT ELSE???–I was “too sensitive” or “have no sense of humor.”

Because of having grown up in the midst of a labyrinthine web of lies, and then marrying into another one, I have always valued Truth. That’s why I put a premium on complete honesty, at least in my writing.
Not that I don’t ever lie–we all do, it’s part of the human condition. But I am very aware of dishonesty when I see it and won’t hesitate to call it out in others.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
This entry was posted in abusive husbands, avoidant personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, bullying, child abuse, dysfunctional families, dysfunctional relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting, liars, lying, malignant narcissism, marriage, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic families, narcissistic husbands, narcissistic mothers, narcissistic parents, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorders, projection, triangulating and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Lies my narcissists told me.

  1. …and how strong and brave you are…breaking the silence and opening the door for others to do the same! Remember when the lies were weighted with shame? Those days are gone! You endured more than your human share….time to rest from the abusers….

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Great post!

    Something I really notice in those golden child lies, they are designed to separate you from others, to isolate you. They sound okay on the surface, but they are actually rather cruel. If you are “smarter than others” or “people are just jealous of you,” then it tends to make a kid withdraw even more, to think there is something different about them, something that keeps them apart from the other humans. Those were the kind of lies that I was often told, so that rather than turning to other people for support, I was truly dependent on my narc and totally isolated.

    To this day my mother will tell my sister, stay away from those people, you don’t need them, you’re better then they are. “Those people” happen to be my sister’s therapist, her doctor, friends, church, etc, or just about anyone who might be good for her.

    Liked by 3 people

    • luckyotter says:

      OMG, and I thought I was the only one who went through this….and felt so isolated and different from others because of it…yes, even those golden child lies were a form of cruelty…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Barbara Cizek says:

    People who read books like people of the lie and other books by doctors do not know who is the real author of such books. Satan himself calls himself a doctor. They know things and know how to twist reality. They are masters of deceit.

    Fallen angels have hierarchy’s just like humans do. They have been around a long time and know some of the secrets of the brain.
    The fallen ones are the ones who started that whole caste system thing in India and if you study some of their gods, you will notice they share characteristics with fallen beings. Look closely and you will see patterns.
    Theses beings are incredibly intelligent and hate when someone gets one up on them.
    They operate in swarms or units and will crush you so beware.

    Beware people.. They are highly intelligent and know secrets. They are masters of deceit and cannot stand to be outsmarted…
    They make people depressed and can make people question even their own family members at times.
    They want people to depressed and they gas light people all the time. They mix truth with lies so people will question themselves.
    Their goals are to make people questions their own perceptions. They cannot handle criticism and yet that is what they always say about others.

    Mixing truth with lies is a common thing they do.
    They follow some people around religiously and have designated targets.
    If they are using some doctor to do their bidding one should immediately get away from that doctor.

    One sided is a sign and fixating on people’s reactions is another sign.
    If a doctor only concentrates his energy on one’s reaction to abuse then he is a possible demon or evil entity. Everything is one-sided with them because they cannot handle any type of criticism and honestly believe they are the judge and jury and no one is allowed to complain but them.

    Also, because they have a hierarchy they cannot complain about one of their own.
    Loose lips sink ships people.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Interesting. I don’t know if I’d call them actual demons (they are human) , but as Fivehundredpoundpeep puts it, their souls were probably seared when they made the choice to become a narcissist.

      While I question that Satan has THAT much power, I absolutely believe there is evil in the world, and there are people who are evil who do not mean us well. They tend to band together.
      I think it’s very possible some malignants and psychopaths may have been possessed by an evil entity at the time they made the choice. Some are “imperfectly” possessed, and those are the ones who show moments of humanity. They are garden variety narcissists, not malignants, and there may be hope for them. For those very high on the spectrum, there is little hope for them and the best thing to do is to avoid them like the plague.
      I do believe NPD (and ASPD), of all the mental disorders, have a spiritual as well as a mental element. It’s a spiritual sickness and if any healing is to occur, that must be addressed along with the mental aspects.

      There are lots of mental health professionals and doctors who are not well meaning, and are only in it for the money and/or power it gives them over the sick and vulnerable. Many of them are in the mental health field. It’s prudent to be careful when choosing a therapist or a doctor.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Barbara Cizek says:

    A great movie to watch is : Lost Souls

    Meg Ryan helped make this movie a reality.
    And believe it or not it is loosely based on reality.

    It is a book about how evil goes around calling everyone else a malignant narcissism and thinks it is the needle on the compass.
    Has it not been said that some doctors have god complexes?

    Doctors love to put people into neat little categories and love checklists.
    They are always pigeon holing people….

    Anyway,
    George is their newest subject. They always need an enemy and someone to use for social solidarity. This in-group always needs an out-group.
    They need an out sider who is safe to pick on for group reinforcement.
    They study people and follow them around and diagnose everyone with some malady accept themselves usually.
    Classic doctor -patient relationship..

    They study George and set traps for him and try to get him to admit things.
    They talk with people George works with too and investigate some who know him.

    They wrote many books about George. All the books are one-sided of course for liability reasons.
    A house divided cannot stand and loose lips sink ships..
    The ships involve unions which are very powerful by the way.. Some of the ships are companies too!

    As the story progresses we meet some interesting characters who know things. (about Peter)

    One is possessed with many demons and one is a psychic. They both know all about our special little profiler/writer and researcher. Peter is the special one and he is the one many look too for advice and expertise. Peter has all the credentials and all the connections and puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.
    Problems begin to arise when people start questioning the insights of Peter the renowned legend in his own mind expert. Not everyone sees Peter the way Peter and all his friends and associates see Peter. As a matter of fact some who have read his book begin to question who he thinks he is..
    Peter all wrapped up in his own brilliance and judge and jury routine never even picks up on the fact that some people who are reading his books and listening to him think he is hack.
    Peter misses the boat entirely even when Mia and the psychic are asking him questions and reading him.
    He cannot even hear the tape..
    Peter has no insight into himself and yet he goes around saying the same things about many others especially George. Peter says George has no insight.. Peter does not understand that some people just do not want to fight with immature and spiteful people.
    It is classic tale about evil being an imitator. Evil needs support systems and Peter was their golden protected boy. Peter did not even understand that even Mia, the psychic and George all felt sorry for him. They all had empathy for him and he did not even understand that at the beginning. The psychic even said wait a minute : God will forgive me.. Mia tried to help him and the possessed guy was warning people about him and George was always staring at him and it made him jumpy. He was jumpy for other reasons.
    George was starring at him because he knew things about him too! Everyone knew things about Peter but Peter and his friends. His family members knew things about him…

    Some doctors have god complexes because they may in fact be in league with the lower gods.
    People, even the Bible says their is nothing new under the sun. Some have already been here before.
    Evil imitates good.
    Evil cannot understand the good.
    The darkness cannot comprehend the light.
    The darkness attacks the light.
    Evil is a legend in its own mind.
    Evil cannot see what others see and has not insight.
    Evil likes to have the upper hand.
    Evil likes to isolate others who disagree with it.
    Evil has hierarchy’s too just like humans. They have CEO’s just like companies do.

    Next time you listen to crazy doctors keep in mind that if they only focus on reactions it is because they need to protect people and a house divided cannot stand.
    One sided reports are dangerous…. They have agenda’s if they only focus on people’s reactions to situations.

    This movie is a work of fiction but it is loosely based on real people.
    It came out in the year 2000. It came out at approximately the same time the other Y2K movies came out. This is not coincidence.

    Jaded===your so jaded and I am the one who jaded you..
    Baby, I am afraid of you. (song lyrics)

    Great movie..
    Every doctor should be forced to watch it multiple times. It is basically about crazy doctors who think they know what they are doing when in fact they are the evil diseases infecting society with all their crap….

    q

    Liked by 1 person

  5. adamjasonp says:

    “Fake Narc smiles look even more ‘unpleasant.’” Absolutely. The things Narcs will do to control…their ‘loved’ ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Joan S says:

    I never ceases to amaze me that I was not the only one. I spent a lifetime in counselling and still I was an enigma to the mental health community.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      It feels great to find out we are not alone, doesn’t it? Not that you want others to have suffered the same thing, but you know, misery loves company.

      Like

  7. It is so terrific that you found the courage to get out of that hell. Many of those lies resonate with me, as well as being both the golden child and the one to blame for everything wrong in my mother’s life. It is especially maddening that no one else sees what the narc is doing to you. …or cares

    Liked by 1 person

  8. bcbonusmom says:

    Reblogged this on A Day In The Life of A BCBonusMom ……….. and commented:
    RE-BLOG from Lucky Otter’s Museum of Narcissism …… Great post

    Liked by 1 person

  9. luckyotter says:

    Reblogged this on Lucky Otter's Haven and commented:

    I’m going ahead and reblogging this article because it’s gaining some traction on the web and I figured I’d help it out. 🙂
    Enjoy!

    Like

  10. Kim says:

    I identify so much with this article, thank you for the time, effort, honesty and for allowing yourself to be vulnerable in writing this – a selfless act that helps others hugely, me included. For me, the narcissist is my brother. I’ve finally distanced in order to slow the toxicity. I’m also BPD. Thanks again, I feel less alone and totally get the ‘mindfuckery’!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Kim says:

    Reblogged this on Renaissance Heart and commented:
    This is a fantastic, well written article, discussing #mentalhealth #recovery #bpd #personalitydisorders. #narcissism #abuse and #hope

    Liked by 1 person

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