10 things around my house I like.

Posted on May 7, 2015 by luckyotter

I thought I’d show you some of the things around my house that have value to me. Most do not have great monetary value, but do have sentimental value, or I just have an affinity for these particular objects because they speak to me in some way. Each of them has a story.

1. The Impractical Purse.

A tiny green sequined purse I found at a garage sale. I never used this purse (it’s too small and I have no occasion to use it) but I just like it and use it for decorative purposes in my bedroom. I love the playfulness of the sequins and like touching the soft green satin inside the bag. I seem to have always had an affinity for the color green, especially bright grass green. My kitchen is painted the same color, with white trim to offset all the green.
I apologize for the blurry photograph.

2. The Mirror.

A beautiful art-deco style mirror made by a local artist. This was given to me when a friend of a friend was cleaning out their apartment. They no longer wanted it. I had been looking for exactly something like this, and when I saw it, I had to have it. I have it hanging on my bedroom wall and just love the way it looks there.

3. The Landscape Painting.

I used to love painting, and though I was never that talented, I love the somber mood conveyed in this interpretation of a river surrounded by mountains covered with boreal forest in the Pacific Northwest. I did not paint this from life, but it was actually done from a photograph that appeared in National Geographic. It’s hanging over the center of my mantel, and everyone who sees it always asks me which artist painted it and tells me what an amazing painting it is. They’re always surprised when I tell them I painted it.

4. The Handpainted Lamp.

I love this lamp. I found it for $3 at a garage sale. A small piece of the glass at the bottom has a chip in it, but it’s easily hidden. The lamp is handpainted from the inside and has a heavy metal base. I believe it may be an antique, possibly from the 1930s, but even if it isn’t, it’s an awesome lamp because it’s so unique and because of how beautiful the colors look when lit:

5. The Forgotten Sci-Fi Classic.

View One:

View Two:

I love reading science fiction. This book, “Last and First Men” (this book contains its seuel, “Starmaker”) was written in 1937 by a forgotten science fiction writer, Olaf Stapledon. It’s a future history starting with the events of WW2 and continues millions of years into the distant future, as Man evolves through a great many new forms and begins to explore the planets. The book is interesting for the 4 fascinating timelines it contains, with each one covering a much greater expanse of time than the last. “Starmaker” is actually a sort of sequel, and follows a man who finds himself transported telepathically to other universes but still arrives home before dinner is served. He is a changed man for these experiences, for during his journey through space and time he discovers the true nature of God and the divine. Both books explore the metaphysical and the nature of God and the divine, especially the second. I’m the only person I know who has read both books several times. Most people find these books impossible to read (in fact, I’m the only one I know who was able to finish both), possibly because they seem dated today, but every time I read them I get more out of them.

If I was told I was being exiled to a remote island somewhere and was told I could keep only one book, this would be the one.

6. The Salt Lamp.

I bought this Salt Lamp at the mall a few years ago, and it’s in my living room. It’s made of pure sea salt, which has a beautiful, natural pink glow. It’s a very relaxing reading lamp and I admit I have used it as a salt lick on occasion too. Yeah, I know that’s weird.

Here it is all lit up at night:

7. The Flea Market Vase.

A handpainted rough-clay vase with gold leaf I picked up for $6 at Smiley’s flea market. It’s signed by the artist on the bottom so I know it isn’t mass produced. It’s big enough I use to put flowers in all the time. (The flowers currently in it are dead). I love the colors and the design, and it holds a place of honor on my mantel. It was a steal because I suspect it’s probably worth a lot more than 6 bucks.

8. My Lucky Bamboo Plant

Mr. Bamboo has a whole story which I wrote about here. He’s gotten much bigger since I finally transplanted him to a bigger home. I don’t know if the photo here of him sitting proudly in my kitchen window really does him justice or shows how much bigger he really is now, but he’s still happy and thriving. I may move him outside for awhile now.

9. Photo of the stairwell in my first apartment.

The building I first moved to was dirt cheap and in a dangerous neighborhood in Queens, NY (across the street from some projects), but the building was awesome and this stairwell does justice to that awesomeness. Since I took this photo in 1979 (looking down from the top floor), the colors in the photo have faded somewhat, giving it an almost sepia old school charm. I love the gradations of the various browns along the stairs. It still reminds me of an Escher drawing.

10. The Copper Ingot.

A customer gave me this 5 lb. solid copper Ingot. I’ve always loved the look of copper and I love turning this thing in my hands, feeling its weight and admiring its almost pinkish glow in the light.
By the way, did you know you can restore copper to its original beauty by slathering it with KETCHUP? Trufax. Leave the ketchup on for a half hour, then wipe clean. It will look as good as new.

Bonus:
If you like books, check out my bookshelves. 🙂

2 new photographs

Posted on May 6, 2015 by luckyotter

I snapped these two photographs today. Enjoy!
Click on photos to enlarge.

Azalea in bloom.

Baby oak leaves.

How Do You Know if Someone is a Narcissist or Not?

Posted on May 6, 2015 by luckyotter

It was serendipitous I happened on this article this morning because it was exactly what I needed to read to deal with an issue I’m struggling with. I thought I’d pay it forward. 🙂

An Upturned Soul

Someone recently asked me to assist them with a problem.

They were concerned that a person they knew might be a narcissist, however they were also concerned that perhaps they were the one being narcissistic, and that their narcissism was seeing this person as a narcissist.

They had one of those moments of wondering if perhaps they were the narcissist.

How could they know if they were the narcissist or if this other person was the narcissist?

This is a brain teaser along the lines of this:

problem (and the answer) via PFC

Am I the narcissist or are you the narcissist? – can you look something like this up and get the answer to it?

Yes, you can, especially online with so many people weighing in on it – but is it the right answer?

Maybe.

In this kind of scenario right and wrong depend more on…

View original post 2,274 more words

Looking fear in the face.

Posted on May 6, 2015 by luckyotter

You gain strength, courage and confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You can say to yourself “I have lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along”. You must do the thing you think you can not do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?

Posted on May 6, 2015 by luckyotter

I remember as a child, always hearing the Golden Rule–“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” It’s a staple of kindergarten life, and it’s a good lesson in how we should treat others. It teaches children the concept of empathy. It would be a much nicer world if more adults followed it.

Some religious people are so quick to judge others and they pull out Bible quotes to justify giving those they disagree with a hard time. This leads to discord and disharmony and walls of hate between individuals. In the larger world, the same attitude leads to wars and killing. Many narcissists hide behind a cloak of piety. It’s possible to find quotes in the Bible to justify abusive behavior and narcs do it all the time (I am not referring to any specific individuals here, it’s just something I’ve noticed a lot). Do they forget the Golden Rule is itself from the Bible?*

Matthew 7:12
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do
to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

Luke 6:31:
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

Galatians 5:14
For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Leviticus 19:18
Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord.

Leviticus 19:34
But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God.

* King James Version.

Shifting this blog’s focus.

Posted on May 5, 2015 by luckyotter

When I started this blog back in September, its primary intent was to provide an outlet for me to journal about my experiences as a victim of narcissistic abuse and try to understand what happened to me. My early articles were far angrier than most of those I write now, because I was just emerging from a long-term relationship with a malignant narcissist and was still suffering from PTSD to some extent. I was finding my bearings as an independent person and learning how to make my own decisions and find out who I really was.

It was the best thing I ever did. Journaling brought me far, so very far–but lately I’ve wondered why I’ve been having more trouble coming up with new ideas and getting less excited about what I do post.

I feel like this blog has been stagnating. I’ve been less interested in focusing on my past and all the negativity that goes with that. I’m moving on and growing, but something happened that really brought home the fact I was ready to take this blog (and me) to the next level.

At first it seemed like a negative, hurtful thing, but today I realized what happened was exactly what needed to happen to bring me to the next level and take this blog new places it hasn’t gone before. As I’ve said so many times before, everything that happens can be a learning experience. People who appear to be your enemies can actually be your teachers.

It was brought to my attention–due to a very controversial article I wrote the other day (far more controversial than I realized it would be!)–that most or many ACONs object to what they think of as my “narc hugging.” Some people have said I’m too wishy washy about them because of statements I have made where I’ve admitted I have some empathy for them (actually I only have empathy for what they could have been, not for the way they are now). Several people I thought were friends have even speculated that I’m a narcissist myself! That hurt a lot. I briefly considered not blogging anymore!

But I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding surrounding Borderlines, who can easily be mistaken for narcissists to those who don’t know much about the other Cluster B disorders. I think that’s why I need to write more about BPD.

I never did and still don’t accept the things narcissists do, and will never forget the abuse they inflicted on me. I will also never stop empathizing and trying to offer support to those of you who have suffered such abuse. I understand how painful and frightening it is. I have been there. But at the same time, I’m simply tired of focusing on all the negatives and on my sad and abusive past. Instead, my desire is to better understand people with NPD (let me reiterate this does NOT in any way mean I condone or approve of their abusive behaviors). This does not in any way mean I think we should give them the benefit of the doubt or continue to stay with them.

I also have recently become interested in further exploring my own Borderline personality disorder, and as a Cluster B disorder, writing about BPD isn’t taking me too far away from the original focus of this blog. I’ve already been writing about BPD a lot more lately anyway.

So to sum up, while I will still address the serious issue of narcissistic abuse and offer a place for victims to vent and get support, future articles will focus more on understanding both NPD and BPD (and other personality disorders), without “selling out” or turning against victims of abuse or forgetting what we have all been through.

I already started this shift when I started writing articles about treating or healing narcissism (I have now included BPD in the static page about that because treatment methods for both disorders are so similar).

I just felt like this blog had reached a place where it couldn’t go any further with the focus it had. I wasn’t getting as excited about writing new posts anymore and I couldn’t figure out why. Now I know why–I needed a change in focus. I didn’t realize that was the solution until several people vehemently objected to the article I mentioned above.

I don’t approve of narcissism, but I simply don’t need all that anger and negativity in my life anymore. I feel like I’m coming to a place where I want to better understand the people who abused me, and that will help me better understand myself.

I realize I may lose a few followers in implementing this shift (I think I already have when I posted the linked article above), but I don’t think it will be many, because really, not a whole lot will change. In addition, I also expect to gain a new type of follower that might have looked askance at this blog before as just another ACON blog. Another way of saying this is I hope more Borderlines will follow this blog.

I feel like I’m growing and moving forward, and making this slight change will help me with this transition. You may have noticed I changed the blog’s title back to it’s original, “Lucky Otter’s Haven” and took out “Museum of Narcissism” because I will also be writing about BPD just as much as NPD. I also think “haven” has a more positive feel to it than “museum of narcissism,” which suggests a sort of freak show. Running a freak show is not my purpose or desire. I also changed the tagline.

I hope most of you welcome these changes and continue to read and support this blog.

God bless,
Lauren Bennett

The top 6!

Posted on May 5, 2015 by luckyotter

Because I can’t think of anything more interesting to post about right now, here are my Top 6 most popular articles since I started this blog back in September, that have at least 1,001 hits apiece. (I am not including static pages–my Homepage/archives would have the #1 spot if I did that).

1. 20 Songs About Narcissists (#s 11-20) : 3,702 hits

2. 20 Songs About Narcissists (#s 1-10): 1,914 hits

3. Narcissism is a Family Disease: 1,821 hits

4. Famous People Who Have NPD: 1,222 hits

5. Anyone Remember Merrimints: Well, They’re Back (Sort of): 1,191 hits

6. My Son is Furry — Got a Problem With That? 1,001 hits

Other than #3, all these articles have something to do with pop culture or junk food. Not too surprising actually.

The “red flag” you should never ignore.

Posted on May 5, 2015 by luckyotter

When it comes to narcissism, there’s a lot of talk about red flags: behaviors that are associated with narcissistic abuse, such as lying, gaslighting, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and refusal to admit wrongdoing.

But there’s one red flag that’s underrated because it’s so subjective: your own intuition.

When you first meet a narcissist, they may seem like the nicest person you ever met. You might not see any of the usual “red flags” immediately. Before you know it, you’re involved with a person who only has ill will and will make you feel like you’re going insane. When you finally realize what you are dealing with, they may have already wreaked havoc in your life–stolen your time, your patience, your trust, your money, your self-esteem, your job, your spouse, your sanity, your identity, even your soul.

Pay attention to the way you feel around someone you just met. If you feel inexplicably on guard, intimidated, wary, or feel like you’re walking on eggshells, if the person comes off as insincere or smarmy, or you just get the heebie jeebies around the person, don’t dismiss these feelings as only your imagination. Your unconscious mind is picking up signals you may not be consciously aware of and is warning you. Listen to your feelings and if possible, get away from this person. Or at least watch them carefully.

It’s easy to dismiss intuition as irrational and a product of an overactive imagination. You’re a nice person and want to give your new acquaintance the benefit of the doubt. If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse in the past, you may have learned not to trust your own feelings. But these early feelings can serve as warning signals before you see any actual red flags. Don’t question them. They are trying to tell you something.

Are narcissists “mean people”?

Posted on May 5, 2015 by luckyotter

Most of us know mean people–people who always seem grouchy, grumpy, snappish or who rarely smile. They may be sarcastic, biting or negative. Mean people are easy to dislike, and if we’re well acquainted with the topic of narcissism, it may be tempting to label people we don’t like narcissists.

But they may not be narcissists at all. Grumpy, negative people may just be…grumpy and negative.

They could be depressed (depression often manifests as irascibility or quickness to anger), going through a hard time in their lives, in constant pain, or just having a bad day. Some people are just more anger-prone than others. They could seem cold and unfriendly because of another disorder, such as a schizoid personality, Aspergers, or OCD.

They are not wearing a mask. They are not showing you something they are not. Some people just feel bad all the time and don’t bother to try to put on a nice front to impress you.

Most (though not all) narcissists come across (at first) as the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. They are friendly, welcoming, effusive, and greet you with their most winning smile. They are likeable, outgoing and charming.

Let’s say you work in an office with a woman who is sarcastic and negative all the time. She is quick to criticize and complain. No one really likes her. There’s a man there who is much more pleasant to deal with. He’s always smiling, joking, patting you on the back. Everyone at work likes him.

Quick: who’s the narcissist?

Answer: it’s probably not the grouchy woman. Narcissists work hard to impress you, which means pouring on the charm to get you to trust them. The angry woman isn’t wearing a mask. She is showing how she really feels. She doesn’t care what you think of her because she has stopped caring about much of anything.

You hear through the grapevine what her problem is. Her husband left her and took the kids. He’s dating a woman 20 years younger than she is, and left her with practically no money. She also suffers from constant migraines. She’s too embarrassed to talk about all this in the office, but she feels terrible every day and takes it out on everyone else. No, she isn’t a nice person but she isn’t a narcissist (in fact, her ex-husband is).

It may not be the nice, friendly man either, but if one of them is a narcissist, it’s more likely to be him. If so, he’s far more toxic than the woman, but he doesn’t want you to know this. He’s biding his time, reeling you in with his phoney charm.

So don’t assume someone is a narcissist just because they have an unpleasant personality. You may want to call that person a narcissist because you don’t like them, but sadly, it’s more likely to be a person you like. Be careful who you pin the N label on.

The progression of spring: May 3rd

Posted on May 4, 2015 by luckyotter

This will be the final post in this series. (I’ll do another one in the Fall). I’m ending this now because in this part of the country (western North Carolina), most of the changes of spring have occurred and things are looking so much like summer now (even if the temperatures are still a little on the chilly side).

The first photo was taken in my backyard; the other two are the street I live on. It looks dark because I took these in the early evening and rain was moving in.