Casey Throwaway (yes, that is his real name) decided to make a video of himself undergoing a panic attack to educate people that anxiety is real. I think it took a lot of courage for Casey to make this video and he is to be commended for his willingness to “run naked in public.”
Here is the article from The Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/16/panic-attack-video-casey-throwaway_n_7600032.html
I shouldn’t let one mean-spirited, sarcastic comment from a troll (even if there was a grain of truth on what they said) make me set a post to private. This person isn’t even a regular commenter here; they came out of nowhere. Instead, I should listen to the above advice.
The day I start censoring myself for fear of offending someone is the day I might as well take this blog down and retreat back into the prison of silence I came from.
I’ll probably put that post back up after I have a couple of friends read it first and give me their honest opinions. I don’t trust my own judgment sometimes.
I’m the type of person who, if I walk into a room and everyone is glad to see me, I’ll focus on the one person who’s scowling at me, and spend the rest of the night fretting about that one grumpy person, instead of being happy everyone else wants me there. I’m a natural pessimist, a glass-half empty kind of person.
It just happened now. I got one comment telling me my blog has been really helpful, and another one that all but called me a narcissist. Instead of being happy about what the first person said, I’m worrying about the second…
I don’t always react well to criticism, but if truth be told, I thought this person might have a point, at least about the way I wrote something I now have set to private. I honestly can’t be objective about my own writing sometimes.
This is awesome, and so are all my followers. 🙂
Thanks in particular to Onishiro, who became my 1000th follower.
DISCLAIMER:
I feel like a disclaimer is needed, though the above photo should be enough of a disclaimer, because it says it all. Someone made a sarcastic remark about how I think I’m a celebrity because of this post, so I let their comment make me set this post to private, because I don’t have a thick skin and am too chicken to come out with a snappy or snarky comeback. I always think other people can get away with doing that, but I won’t be allowed to. It’s because of my past. I was never allowed to speak my mind or have a voice. Now I’ve internalized that and don’t allow myself a voice sometimes. I’m getting better but I’m not out of the woods yet.
In no way do I put myself in the same category as celebrities (who are just people who get wrinkles, have morning breath, and have to use the toilet sometimes like everyone else). I thought I made the distinction pretty clear. For someone who has felt like a nothing my entire life, and always been told I am nothing, and treated with disdain and disrespect, even by the people who were supposed to love me, a little thing like having 1,000 followers or having articles that get popular can seem like a huge deal. To a normal person with healthy self esteem and who felt loved and had a normal sense of belonging, such an achievement might seem like nothing, but to me, it’s a huge accomplishment. If people have an issue with this, and want to judge me for this, or think I’m saying I’m a celebrity, maybe they need to look in the mirror at themselves and stop being so judgmental. Nothing makes me more angry than being judged, especially by people who know next to nothing about me or what motivates me.
I’m tired of always feeling like I have to apologize just for existing. I’ve felt that way all my life.
So, here is that “offensive” article.
I think it would be hard to be famous. Imagine millions of people you never met and never will meet knowing everything about you, obsessing over every detail of your personal life, staring at your pictures, talking about you amongst themselves, worshipping you, hating you, carrying lunchboxes with your photo on them or wearing clothes or perfume with your name on them. Imagine going into a grocery store to buy some butter and finding your own mug plastered on every tabloid. Imagine total strangers walking up to you and addressing you by name and trying to touch you. No wonder celebrities hate the paparazzi. Sure, getting cameras shoved in your face comes with the territory of being famous/getting paid as if you’re a small nation (and should be accepted with grace under normal circumstances), but when a celebrity just has enough of the lack of privacy and punches a photographer in the face, I totally get it. Celebrities are only human, after all. They’re not “special” or somehow above the rest of humanity; they were just lucky or worked very hard or have a special gift to get where they are. Or they have a famous dad. *cough*The Kardashians*cough*
I’m far from famous, but lately this blog has gained enough visibility that I have “haters” and “fans.” I don’t want to be hated or worshipped; frankly I don’t think I deserve either. I’m just a regular and rather boring person who knows about a lot about something and knows how to write about it. I’m glad my blog is doing well. It feels good. It validates what I’m doing. It feels good to know that someone somewhere may find some help or hope through my words. It feels good when someone reblogs an article of mine or tells me something I said changed their life, or even just made their day a little better. It makes me feel like I have some purpose in this world, after years of believing I had no purpose other than to be an example to other people of how NOT to be. Someday I may achieve some level of notoriety if I write the book I want to write (and as of now, I have no earthly idea what sort of book I would write), or something incredible happens like The Huffington Post decides to pick up an article I wrote, or even if I ever get Freshly Pressed. More likely than not, I won’t be famous even then. I don’t really care either, because fame has never been something I strove for.
But there are still days when as a somewhat successful blogger (and by that I just mean this blog has grown steadily due to some fortuitous circumstances and a LOT of hard work on my part, not that I’m the new Opinionated Man or anything) I feel too naked and exposed. At these times I say to myself, “I’m not ready! Wait! This is too scary!” I feel that way right now.
When your blog starts becoming visible and coming up on page 1 or 2 in the search engines, sometimes certain articles you wrote suddenly get shared a lot or even go viral. If the article is one you’re proud of and worked hard on, it’s a great feeling. But sometimes an article you kind of wanted to get buried quickly and forgotten gets found anyway and starts gaining momentum. This isn’t really a bad thing. After all, if I really didn’t want an article to be read, I would have set it to “Private.” So sure, I suppose I wanted it to be read, but I didn’t want it to go viral either. So at this moment, I’m feeling a tad too exposed and naked for comfort. It’s silly to feel like this, but sometimes I just do. I’ve always been a reserved, shy kind of person (I’m textbook INFJ) and while I like a moderate amount of attention occasionally — just to make sure I still exist (how narcissistic of me) — I don’t want negative attention or an excessive amount of attention, whether negative or positive. I’ve always been uncomfortable being the focal point in any situation that involves more than two people. I’m easily embarrassed. I blush and stammer. I act weird and awkward. When I turned three, I cried when they sang Happy Birthday. This natural reticence is actually good, because it reassures me I’m not the raving narcissist I sometimes think I am (or God forbid, could be turning into).
So I have mixed feelings about having so much visibility right now. I know “Internet fame” is kind of a huge joke (visualize rolling eyes and knowing snickers), but I won’t lie–there are days I really do enjoy the attention. But not every day. Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and make myself very small. Sometimes I feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re walking down a street or into a classroom or something and suddenly realize you don’t have any clothes on. It’s a weird and surreal experience, knowing so many strangers, some in exotic places like Mongolia or Kenya, are reading words that once lived only within the shadowy recesses of my brain, and are having their own thoughts and reactions I will never be privy to. It’s like a tiny taste of what it might feel like to be famous, and while it has its moments, I don’t think I could ever really get used to it. It just ain’t in my nature.
My attitude really just depends on which article of mine is getting so many views, and what sort of mood I’m in. I’m not at all sure I would handle fame well if I ever write a book that becomes a bestseller (not that it’s likely to happen). I might want to show up at book signings wearing a paper bag over my head with eyeholes in it-or at least a pair of dark sunglasses. Or become a recluse like J. D. Salinger. Or contemptuous of fame like Kurt Cobain. Especially because most of the things I write about make me feel so vulnerable. From Day One, I made a commitment to be 100% candid at all times and to hold back nothing. I’ve probably only achieved about 95% Total Emotional Honesty (if you knew the other 5% you’d be hitting the “Escape Button” faster than I can type “Wait! Please let me explain!”), but I guess that’s close enough.
Writers are a weird and tortured lot, I can assure you of that. You wouldn’t want to be inside my head most of the time.
I’ve noticed bacon has suddenly become very trendy. It’s like the new cupcake. Bacon bits, bacon and eggs, bacon ice cream, bacon scented candles, and now this: bacon hot chocolate?
Someone gave this to me today. Seriously, who would drink this? I guess someone would drink it, but it won’t be me. It’s funny though.
Why is everyone so obsessed with bacon? And why is it being mixed with things like chocolate? Now sea salt, I can understand. It sounds weird, but dark chocolate with sea salt is great. But bacon and chocolate is like putting sugar on your steak. I’ll pass.
I was browsing and NPD forum and came across this post by a woman who claims to be a narcissist or possibly a borderline (she is undiagnosed) and is begging to be healed (she is apparently undergoing a narcissistic crisis–which usually happens after a loss of a major or primary source of supply). What’s interesting is her memory–presented as a kind of list– of the events that led to her choosing narcissism as a coping strategy. It is a choice, after all–usually made in childhood, though the choice can be made as an adolescent or adult too. It may or may not be a conscious choice.
This could, of course, all be fabricated by someone who knows the psychology of NPD fairly well, but if it isn’t a fabrication, it’s a textbook case of how this personality disorder begins and evolves. It also illustrates my ideas about narcissists beginning life as highly sensitive people (HSPs) and how painful this illness can be for its sufferers.
In a most narcissist way I want to ask you how I can heal.
🙂
Working mom
Parents divorced at birth
Father disconnected.
Sensitive child. (nature/animals/people)
left at 8 weeks with babysitters constantly
LOVING MOTHER
over indulged (spoiled)
only child
childhood trauma at 4 (seeing something with animals)
I tipped and decided that all people were cruel.
I shielded myself for years from TV, movies and news articles that I deemed disturbing.
I learned pedophiles were real and a problem at age 40.
That is how well I shielded myself.
Now, today I am 52 years old. My husband divorced me. I changed when I was put on Prozac. I had a bipolar episode and life went downhill for 14 years. I came off all medication 2 years ago.
No help with detox. No therapy as I don’t trust people.
Now, I am having problems and after reading your articles believe that I am a narcissist, possibly borderline personality.
Depression overwhelms me when I think of offering myself to the world.
I don’t want to be rejected.
I understand this fear is from perceived trauma.
How do I get passed this?
How do I resolve anger after (feeling like) I lost 14 years of my life due to mis management of psychotropic medication.
I have searched for a therapist, I have called therapists and interviewed them. I get confused and really don’t know with whom I should place my trust.
Men are allowed to cry openly when their team wins, and that’s about it.
There’s a lot of information out there about how crying is good for you, but this article from The Daily Mail (UK) is interesting because it describes how crying has evolved over time. For example, prior to the two world wars, crying was done openly and often, even by men. Now it’s limited to the football stands or funeral parlor for men, and even women retreat to the “powder room” if they need to cry, especially in work/professional settings.
This is a really good article.
ETA: Right after I posted that, I found this other article from the website, The Art of Manliness, which goes into even more detail about male tears. I never knew any of this!
Oh, and…I guess I lied. It’s my second post tonight. That’s all. Goodnight.
I am taking tonight off. I have never taken a night off. I feel guilty about doing that. I’m afraid that, like a ex-smoker who smokes “just one cigarette” and thinks they can go back to being a non-smoker, that if I take even one day off from writing, that it might become a habit and I’ll get lazy about posting and go back to being a writer who doesn’t write. And that is something I cannot accept in myself.
But I have a few good reasons for not writing tonight.
1. I am exhausted. I need sleep.
2. I have a ton of emails to answer. I have been putting off answering them in favor of writing new blog posts. I’m probably the world’s worst email replyer. I don’t want people who email me to think I don’t care, because I do, so I need to reply to those emails tonight. I have a responsibility to the people who don’t feel comfortable voicing their concerns, stories of abuse, or questions in the comments section.
3. I really don’t have any good ideas tonight. If I suddenly think of something, I’ll be back to write it.
4. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. It embarrasses me how little I read anymore, now that I write all the time.
5. This probably qualifies as a post, so I really haven’t skipped a day.
See you tomorrow!
My sociopathic ex was never sorry for anything. Oh, yes, he “apologized” sometimes, but it was only to get me to shut up or because he knew he’d already lost the argument or knew I was right (but he wasn’t really sorry.) It was insulting how stupid he must have thought I was to believe these “apologies” were sincere.
Unless they are incredibly good actors and are hoovering you (trying to reel you back in, like a Hoover vacuum sucks up dirt) or love-bombing you (stalking you as prey), no apology coming out of a narc’s mouth is going to sound sincere. Of course, it’s easy to fall for those “sincere” apologies when they’re feeling needy, but there are always other red flags you can look for, such as crowding you, moving too fast, or trash-talking all their exes (make no mistake, he or she will eventually trash-talk you too).
Once they have you trapped in their web of deception, a narcissist’s “apologies” are going to sound more like the following (if they even bother to apologize for anything at all). Some of them are actual “apologies” I got from my MN ex.
Gaslighting, projection and devaluation/invalidation are embedded in almost every narcissistic “apology,” as is lack of empathy. The “shut up” apology or the “I will not take responsibility for my actions” apologies are common too. All of them are represented here. So, without further ado, here’s a list of what you might hear.
Narcissist “Apologies”
1. “I’m sorry, but you always get so hormonal and overreact to everything when you’re on the rag.” (invalidation; devaluation)
2. “I’m sorry you have no sense of humor.” (projection and gaslighting)
3. ” I’m sorry you overreact to everything I say.” (projection and gaslighting; devaluation)
4. “I’m sorry your family gave you such horrible examples of how to be a compassionate person and made you so self-centered and narcissistic.” (it’s true about my FOO but this is blatant projection!)
5. “I’m sorry, but I always talk loudly and you just take it the wrong way.” (denial of truth–it wasn’t that he was “too loud,” but that he was saying hateful things in an angry tone of voice).
6. “It’s your responsibility you feel hurt by that.” (a favorite of my mother’s)
7. “Your feelings are not my responsibility.” (this gives them carte blanche to say whatever they want)
8. “I’m sorry, but you are driving everyone here crazy with your constant whining.” (projection, gaslighting, possible triangulation)
9. “I’m sorry you are mentally unstable and can’t understand what I said.” (projection and gaslighting; there may be veiled sarcasm there too.)
10. “Alright, fine. I’m SORRY!!!!!!” (said sarcastically or in an angry tone of voice–this is the classic “shut up” apology)
11. “(HUGE sigh) I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” (another version of the “shut up” apology)
12. “I’m sorry but it’s not my problem.” (lack of empathy; taking no responsibility)
13. “I already apologized.” (said when they didn’t). Gaslighting and denying the truth.
14. “I’m sorry about arguing with you, BUT you started it.” (this may or may not be true, but they always have to take a jab at you anyway. Their apology feels hollow.)
15. “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, BUT I had to be at that meeting. You know how important my job is.” (that job is more important than you, and he or she wants you to be aware of that).
16. “I’m sorry I hit you, BUT you deserved it.” (why even bother saying you’re sorry, asshat?)
17. “I’m sorry I got drunk and threw up all over you, BUT I told you to not let me have any more drinks.” (dead if you do, dead if you don’t–he would have handed you your head if you had actually told him not to have another drink).
18. “Apologies are for wusses, but whatever, fine, I’m sorry if that makes you happy.” (another “shut up” apology)
19. “I’m sorry you think I’m such a horrible person.” (guilt-tripping, possible projection)
20. “I’m sorry you hate everything I ever do for you.” (see #19)
21. I have no idea what I did to upset you, but whatever it was, I’m sorry. (They know damn well what they did and are trying to play “innocent” or “dumb.”)
22. “I’m sorry. Now get over it.” (a shut up apology)
23. “I’m sorry, but nobody’s perfect.” (this is just a cop-out apology; they are not taking responsbility)
I think we’ve heard enough of these. I feel kind of sick now. Their fake apologies are just another weapon narcissists can use to hurt you.
See the difference?
Lucky Otters Haven 