The Mockery of Mimicry

Narcissists are bar none at mimicry. That’s why they can seem so good at so many things, and also why they seem so “understanding” when you’ve fallen under their spell.  They have been watching you, cataloging your ideals, values, loves and hates in their minds as if they share them with you.  During the love-bombing phase, they seem to be the soulmate you’ve been searching for…and you believe them because they are such good actors.

But there’s a dark, very dark side, to their ability to mimic, when they begin to devalue you….my MN ex was a master at this sort of mimicry, so this post was quite triggering.

I’m reminded of the brilliant song Liar by Henry Rollins.

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Knowing the Narcissist

I love to copy. I have to copy. It is all I have known for as long as I can remember. It is my natural setting to mimic those around me. I have to fit in, I have to belong and the most effective way for me to achieve this is to replicate everything that I come into contact with. If I interact with an esteemed academic I will listen to his or her achievements and then pass those off as my own as I peel away their glittering accolades and apply them to myself. Should I spend time with an exceptional sporting individual then their record-breaking endeavours will be purloined for my benefit and sported as my own in furtherance of my own belief in my exceptional ability. Author? Yes I have written books too. Model? Yes I do some modelling from time to time. Chef? You should try…

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Does your narcissist do this?

no_empathy

There is something I noticed narcissists do, that is one of the most infuriating things about them. They seek to invalidate your experience or side with others who have hurt you, even if there’s no real reason for them to do this.

Here are some examples from real life:

You: “I don’t really like that person.”
Narcissist: “Well, *I* never had a problem with them.”

You: “I really like that person.”
Narcissist: “Well, *I* don’t!”

You: “I wish we got paid every week instead of every two weeks.”
Narcissist: “Well, it doesn’t bother *me*!”

You: “I’m so heartbroken since he left.”
Narcissist: “Well, if you had been more attentive he might have stayed!”

You: “I wish I had more friends.”
Narcissist: “Well, you’re not that easy to be around, you know.”

A great example of this is the way my mother used to act when I told her about a problem I was having at work. No matter what the situation, it was always my fault. One time I made the mistake of telling her I thought there was a lot of favoritism at my job and I was being passed over for promotions (a problem that’s familiar to me due to my avoidant/Aspie personality). Instead of getting sympathy or support, she shot back with, “Well, you must be doing something wrong. You’re not the most pleasant person to deal with, you know.” This sort of thing happened all the time. Everything bad that happened was ALWAYS somehow my fault. That’s how narcissists invalidate your experience and diminish you at the same time.

Another version of the same thing is if you object to one of their insults, they will accuse you of being too sensitive or having no sense of humor.

“I really take offense to what you just said.”
Narcissist: “Well, it was only a JOKE! Lighten up.” (usually what they said was not meant to be a joke, so this is a lie).

Narcissists will never offer support, encouragement, or comfort. They seek to demean you by never taking your side, even when there’s no reason not to. They like to be contrary just to be contrary and “keep you in your place.”

I don’t need your damn fake apologies.

narc_apologies

My sociopathic ex was never sorry for anything. Oh, yes, he “apologized” sometimes, but it was only to get me to shut up or because he knew he’d already lost the argument or knew I was right (but he wasn’t really sorry.) It was insulting how stupid he must have thought I was to believe these “apologies” were sincere.

Unless they are incredibly good actors and are hoovering you (trying to reel you back in, like a Hoover vacuum sucks up dirt) or love-bombing you (stalking you as prey), no apology coming out of a narc’s mouth is going to sound sincere. Of course, it’s easy to fall for those “sincere” apologies when they’re feeling needy, but there are always other red flags you can look for, such as crowding you, moving too fast, or trash-talking all their exes (make no mistake, he or she will eventually trash-talk you too).

Once they have you trapped in their web of deception, a narcissist’s “apologies” are going to sound more like the following (if they even bother to apologize for anything at all). Some of them are actual “apologies” I got from my MN ex.

Gaslighting, projection and devaluation/invalidation are embedded in almost every narcissistic “apology,” as is lack of empathy. The “shut up” apology or the “I will not take responsibility for my actions” apologies are common too. All of them are represented here. So, without further ado, here’s a list of what you might hear.

Narcissist “Apologies”

bullshit

1. “I’m sorry, but you always get so hormonal and overreact to everything when you’re on the rag.” (invalidation; devaluation)

2. “I’m sorry you have no sense of humor.” (projection and gaslighting)

3. ” I’m sorry you overreact to everything I say.” (projection and gaslighting; devaluation)

4. “I’m sorry your family gave you such horrible examples of how to be a compassionate person and made you so self-centered and narcissistic.” (it’s true about my FOO but this is blatant projection!)

5. “I’m sorry, but I always talk loudly and you just take it the wrong way.” (denial of truth–it wasn’t that he was “too loud,” but that he was saying hateful things in an angry tone of voice).

6. “It’s your responsibility you feel hurt by that.” (a favorite of my mother’s)

7. “Your feelings are not my responsibility.” (this gives them carte blanche to say whatever they want)

8. “I’m sorry, but you are driving everyone here crazy with your constant whining.” (projection, gaslighting, possible triangulation)

9. “I’m sorry you are mentally unstable and can’t understand what I said.” (projection and gaslighting; there may be veiled sarcasm there too.)

10. “Alright, fine. I’m SORRY!!!!!!” (said sarcastically or in an angry tone of voice–this is the classic “shut up” apology)

11. “(HUGE sigh) I’m sorry. Are you happy now?” (another version of the “shut up” apology)

12. “I’m sorry but it’s not my problem.” (lack of empathy; taking no responsibility)

13. “I already apologized.” (said when they didn’t). Gaslighting and denying the truth.

14. “I’m sorry about arguing with you, BUT you started it.” (this may or may not be true, but they always have to take a jab at you anyway. Their apology feels hollow.)

15. “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday, BUT I had to be at that meeting. You know how important my job is.” (that job is more important than you, and he or she wants you to be aware of that).

16. “I’m sorry I hit you, BUT you deserved it.” (why even bother saying you’re sorry, asshat?)

17. “I’m sorry I got drunk and threw up all over you, BUT I told you to not let me have any more drinks.” (dead if you do, dead if you don’t–he would have handed you your head if you had actually told him not to have another drink).

18. “Apologies are for wusses, but whatever, fine, I’m sorry if that makes you happy.” (another “shut up” apology)

19. “I’m sorry you think I’m such a horrible person.” (guilt-tripping, possible projection)

20. “I’m sorry you hate everything I ever do for you.” (see #19)

21. I have no idea what I did to upset you, but whatever it was, I’m sorry. (They know damn well what they did and are trying to play “innocent” or “dumb.”)

22. “I’m sorry. Now get over it.” (a shut up apology)

23. “I’m sorry, but nobody’s perfect.” (this is just a cop-out apology; they are not taking responsbility)

I think we’ve heard enough of these. I feel kind of sick now. Their fake apologies are just another weapon narcissists can use to hurt you.

sincere_apologies
See the difference?

What she says…what she really means.

narc_mother_glossary

Here’s a humorous narc-speak dictionary from Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. This is so true! Of course some of these phrases could be used by any narcissist who has their hooks in you, not just your mother, and can be “translated” the same way.

The Narcissistic Mother Dictionary

1. “I love you.”

Narcissistic-mother-ese:
I want to manipulate you.

You’re showing signs of breaking away and I want to suck you back in.

I’ve heard people say this and it seems to get a good reaction.

I command you to love me.

2. “Don’t ever feel like you HAVE to come see me for my birthday.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
If you don’t make the 650 mile pilgrimage to celebrate me, I promise I will do something to make you pay dearly.

3. “Go do something constructive.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Be gone, I have no interest in my own children.

4. “You were an ‘accident.'”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You are only here because homicide would get me jail time, and I thought you’d be a better slave, so I didn’t opt for adoption.

5. “You go have yourself a good cry!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I resent your emotions, but at least I can use them to hurt you.

6. “I never said that!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Damned if I’m going to admit it.

Yes I said that but it doesn’t work in the conversation right now.

I know I said it but it’s so much fun to f*** with your head until you don’t know what is true and you think you really are crazy! Yeah me!!!

7. “It’s been a long time since I talked to you and I just called to see how you were doing.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I am running low on my Narcissistic Supply and need another fix.

I don’t care how you’re doing; I really just want to talk about me.

8. “You just aren’t remembering correctly.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
My version of events shows me in a better light, so that’s the official version.

narcissist_mothers_victim

9. “You never do anything for me!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I know you’ve done a lot for me in the past, but that was then and it no longer counts. What have you done for me today?

10. “It’s time this stops.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
None of my ploys have worked to pull you back so now I will treat you like a child.

11. “I miss you.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I miss having control over you.

I’m lacking my Narcissistic Supply – please provide it pronto.

12. “Who have you been talking to? Who have you been in therapy with? what book did you read? etc, etc, etc….”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I’m not getting the usual emotional response from you and you are too dim-witted to have figured out how to shut me down on your own.

13. “Your brother and sister-in-law took us out to dinner last night. We had such a nice time – I don’t think we have ever been treated that well.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You had better step up your game.

14. “I’m so proud of you”.

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You have made me feel good and/or *I* feel good because of you.

I can take credit for that accomplishment.

15. “Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from your family?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from me?

16. “I want to help you with your kids.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I plan to interfere in the upbringing of your children by spoiling them, disciplining them differently to your way, and ignoring your decisions and wishes regarding them. I will not acknowledge your position and rights as the mother of these children. I may even steal them from you.

17. “Your father and I think …”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I think …

18. “So how are you?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I’d better ask, but don’t worry I won’t really be listening. Or as soon as you say a trigger word, which reminds me of something else, I’ll interrupt and be off again!

I’m running out of things to boast to my friends about, so please come up with some accomplishments.

19. “I’m so sorry your beloved 14-year old dog died.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Sigh … I’d better at least mention it, and let you talk for one, maybe two, sentences about your upset and grief, and then I can talk about myself again.

20. “You were very difficult to raise.”
“You were always my problem child.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You resisted my attempts to violate your boundaries, abuse you and humiliate you.

21. “It’s so sad. I feel so sorry for them.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
It’s so exciting! I love being this close to tragedies!

22. “I’m sorry.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I will, on rare occasion, say the words but never change my behaviour.

Sigh, I’ll say it if it’ll stop you moaning, but don’t worry, I don’t mean it.

23. “Let’s just let go of the past.”
“Let’s just draw a line under it and get back to normal.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Let’s pretend everything is ok and I’m not a nightmare of a mother so I can continue to torture you and get my Narcissistic Supply.

Let me play my narcissist’s game of never being held accountable for my behaviour.

24. “Your sister-in-law is such a great cook! Simply amazing!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I want to take away any pleasure or pride you have in your own cooking skills.

25. “I just want you to love me.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
All I really want is for you give me my Narcissistic Supply.

26. “What’s wrong with you today? What is your problem?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I’m pissed that you are denying me my much needed Narcissistic Supply. Damn you!

27. “Honestly, nothing ever pleases you, does it? Sigh.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You have to let me treat you exactly as I please, without ever complaining.

28. “I was only trying to help!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I demand the freedom to interfere in your life any time I want. That is my right!

joan_crawford

29. “What happened to the nice girl I once knew?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Why are you no longer the easily manipulated and uncomplaining-of-abuse girl I raised you to be?

30. “After all I’ve done for you! You’ve never appreciated me!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Wah wah wah I have violated your boundaries most of your life but even so I resent the hell out of your standing your ground and refusing to allow me to interfere, manipulate and control you.

31. “Why are you treating me so badly? What have I done wrong?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I have the right to interfere in your life and abuse you without any consequences.

32. “Because I’m the Mama, that’s why!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You are really just a child, after all. I’ll never acknowledge that you are now an adult.

33. “I want to give you this because I love you.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
It’s really because you will then be beholden to me and this gives me great leverage to milk you for Narcissistic Supply.

34. “You’re always looking for insult.”
“You are so easily offended.”
“I have to walk on eggshells around you.”
“You’re over-sensitive.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I will not be held accountable for my actions and behaviours!

35. “I never want to be a burden to you.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I will over-run your life and suck the life force from you and your children.

36. “Have you lost some weight?”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I am so glad that I brought that sticky bun with me on this visit.

37. “You take me the wrong way.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I will invalidate your feelings as I have done your whole life.

38. “You’re such a good cook!”
“You’re such a good mother!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You got that from me!

39. “You don’t respect me!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You won’t let me abuse you.

40. “You won’t forgive me!”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You won’t let me away with what I did, nor let me continue to trample all over you.

I expect forgiveness with no apology and no intention of doing differently in future.

41. “You need more time to think about it.”
“Well, have a think about it and get back to me.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I am not accepting your decision/opinion. Keep thinking until you come to the correct conclusion.

42. “I was just joking even if I did say and do that, which I didn’t.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
I did say/do it, and I did mean it, but damned if I’m going to acknowledge that.

43. “You just won’t admit when you’re wrong.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
You defended yourself from my lies!

44. “Here’s a gift.”

Narcissistic Mother-ese:
Here is something, very likely something I have no more use for, that I am officially giving to you. But it is still mine, and therefore I get to say, forever more, what you do with it. And woebetide you don’t appreciate it enough, over and over.

My codependent “marriage” to a narcissistic boss.

boss

In late 2004, I was hired as a cashier at a local convenience store. My boss, John, was a flamboyantly gay man around my age who seemed fond of me at first. He was friendly and likeable in a way that didn’t intimidate me (because of my social phobia and severe shyness).  We often worked alone together, and because he spent most of the time talking my ear off, I wasn’t required to add much to the conversation. I was his captive audience when we weren’t serving customers. John was bright and I found his one-sided monologues interesting if sometimes a little strange.

I’d hear everything about John’s exciting life, from his four Shar-Pei’s antics (he was a huge dog lover) to his once-a-month visits to the spa for regular colonic irrigations–he discussed these publicly, in the most intimate detail, even with customers–as if he was talking about what he had for breakfast. Although John was intelligent, he was definitely a somatic narcissist, obsessed with his internal health and what he put into his body. He never ate anything unnatural. He was a devout vegan who never touched most of the snack food we carried.

Kathy was his assistant manager for the first two years I worked there. Kathy was not the most emotionally stable person around, and was dealing with the fallout from an abusive marriage to a psychopath. That made her a perfect target for John’s abuse. He overloaded her with work, and yelled at her for the slightest mistakes, sometimes with customers watching. He seemed to enjoy humiliating her. He wasn’t known for his patience, and would scream at her if she was slow to catch onto something or failed to do something right, and I can’t count the number of times he had poor Kathy in tears. Kathy used to tell me in private how much she wanted to quit and how much of an emotional toll John’s rants were taking on her. I sympathized but was caught in the middle–because when Kathy wasn’t there, I heard all about how “stupid” and “incompetent” John thought Kathy was. He also said he thought she was stealing. But I didn’t want to get on John’s bad side and just listened to him complain, never sure if he was telling the truth or not.

John apparently didn’t think too highly of me either. Kathy told me once he would never promote me because I was too “scatterbrained” and “stupid.” John thought all women were stupid. I could tell from his conversations that he regarded all women, starting with his mother, as mentally deficient.

Kathy finally quit and John ranted on about how she betrayed him. He told me she would never find another job and how lucky she was to have worked for him. By this time, I’d been working at the store for about two years and asked him if he would allow me to take Kathy’s place as assistant manager. I was told he’d “think it over” but a few days later he called me into his office and told me he’d decided to promote a young cashier (Kevin) who worked in the store instead. Because John was a misogynist, I knew he had a lot of misgivings about promoting another woman, but he did make me “paperwork specialist” which meant sometimes opening the store and counting the money in the safe, as well as making deposits at the bank. It was really an “assistant-assistant manager” position and paid about a dollar more an hour.

About six months later Kevin moved to the eastern part of the state and left. John was desperate and there was no other male he could promote to assistant manager this time, so I got the job by default. He knew I already was doing everything the assistant manager would do, and would not have to be trained in much.

I turned out to be good at the job, and he often told me so–but I also became the new “Kathy” and handy target for John’s abuse, criticisms, and frequent rages. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with John, and found I preferred it when he wasn’t there to watch my every move and point out everything I was doing wrong. I felt like I could breathe on days he wasn’t there. I was now in Kathy’s position and took the brunt of John’s hatred toward women. More than once he screamed at me in front of customers, and I remember the humiliation of that and the pitying looks I received from them. I never cried though, just stood there and took it. I would not give him the satisfaction of letting him see me cry the way Kathy did, because her tears only served to escalate John’s abuse.

angry_boss

Getting no reaction from me frustrated John and once he even raged at me because “I didn’t react enough.” He took my poker face as a sign of disrespect and told me so. His insults became more personal, no doubt to try to get a reaction. By this time, my daughter was having behavioral problems in school and I was sometimes called by the school to come pick her up. This caused my attendance to become spotty. Instead of kindly telling me to find some way to reconcile my problems with my daughter with my having to leave early so often, he told me I was a “rotten mother.” As if that had anything to do with my job performance? He also told me he wasn’t surprised I was divorced, because he bet I was “hell to live with.” I didn’t realize at the time he was projecting all his own character defects and narcissism onto me. I felt hurt by these insults. I tried to talk to him about how much it hurt me, but having no empathy, he turned a deaf ear and never apologized for his abusive comments.

In 2009, John took a month’s vacation time and left me in complete charge. I still enjoyed John’s entertaining monologues, but the stress of never knowing if I’d get the “nice John” or the “mean John” was wearing me down emotionally and making me dread coming to work. I discovered I liked the feeling of being in charge of the store, I liked being free from John’s mood swings and rages, and I was doing a good job. I learned how to place the weekly orders, open the store every morning and count the drawers and the safe, change prices on the computer and in the registers, review applications, and keep track of lottery and food stamp sales. I didn’t like delegating work to other employees and tended to try to do everything myself, but slowly I learned that I had to delegate some work or I’d go nuts. Of course running a store has its downside too, and I’d be required to fill in if someone called in sick or didn’t show up. Also, because of the problems I had with my daughter, when I had to leave I’d have to put another employee in charge and I used to worry that they’d mess things up.

When John returned, the vendors and customers told John what a good job I’d done, and this probably exacerbated John’s abusive behavior. He also didn’t like the fact the main office preferred dealing with me to dealing with him. A “stupid woman” was stealing his show and he decided to punish me.

John was also making plans to move to another, bigger store with higher traffic. He knew that I wanted his job after he left and kept promising me the job would be mine.

But one day he brought in an old colleague of his from a store he’d worked in several years earlier. She was an older woman–older than me–and from Day One she treated me like I was a piece of trash left on the floor. She didn’t even try to be friendly–and to make matters worse, I was asked to train her in everything I was doing. John never told me he planned to make her the new manager, just told me to train her and not ask questions. The woman was slow to catch on to the new computerized equipment, and kept making mistakes when filling the safe. The vendors didn’t like her, nor did the other employees. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it couldn’t be good. John treated this woman with respect he’d never shown to me or Kathy–probably because she was older than he was.

Mean_woman

Shortly after John brought this woman in, another employee told me John was telling everyone I was “crazy” and “losing my mind” and he would probably have to demote or fire me. He was triangulating and gaslighting against me, but I didn’t know it was called that back then, so I began to question my sanity. He told me directly to my face I had terrible kids who didn’t know how to behave and that if I was a “good mother” I would know how to discipline them properly. What gave him the idea he had any right to criticize my parenting skills–and what did that have to do with my performance of my job?

After another month or so, when John felt this woman was sufficiently trained, he started taking away some of my responsibilities. I knew I was skating on very thin ice and started to look for another job. I hated being bossed around by this hateful woman I myself had trained, and stopped hiding my displeasure. She told John I had a “bad attitude” and everyone else began to believe her too. In fact, I WAS developing a bad attitude. Having my mind played with like a toy for five years was taking its toll and everyone noticed. I felt like a naughty child with mean parents. I’d been devalued and soon would be discarded.

One day in April 2009 I came into work and noticed the weird looks I was getting from a couple of other employees and even a few customers. For a couple of hours, John ignored me completely. My “replacement” was being nicer to me than usual. Something strange was up.

So I wasn’t surprised when, during a slow moment, John called both me and his new protege into his office and closed the door. He told me he was letting me go due to my poor attendance, bad attitude, and the fact “no one liked me” (I know that was a huge lie). My replacement sat there with a self-satisfied smirk on her face and I wanted to reach over and slap it off. He was actually nice about all this though, and promised me a good reference for a future job.

youre-fired

I never did use him as a reference. I didn’t trust him enough.

My five year experience working for John reminded me of an abusive, codependent marriage. The atmosphere in the store was exactly like that of a highly dysfunctional family.

John needed me and sometimes was kind, especially if he knew he’d gone overboard with the abuse and was afraid he’d lose me. He even told me on some occasions how dependent he was on me and how he hoped I’d never leave. On those days he would spoil me–treating me to lunch, allowing me to buy things in the store on credit, or telling me what a great job I was doing. For my birthday one year he bought me a huge bouquet of flowers and treated me to a nice lunch.

But all this manipulative niceness flew in the face of his abuse. I knew his “Jekyll” phases wouldn’t last and soon he’d become “Mr. Hyde” again. He insulted me about everything from my “bad parenting skills” to my “bad attitude” and “lack of social skills.” He even told me I was gaining too much weight when he noticed I was eating a lot of the snack food out of stress. Once he even told me he suspected I was stealing, saying that “assistant managers are the ones you always have to watch out for, because they know how to hide what they steal.” What? I never knew what to expect with John; he kept me walking on pins and needles. Five years of the stress of dealing with John’s unpredictable mood swings and rages was more than enough, and rather than be upset at having been fired, I left the store feeling like I’d been released from prison.

My “friendship” with a famous narcissist is over.

wtf_narc

Some of you may have noticed I’m posting less these days. Not long ago I was averaging 3-5 new posts a day; now it’s about 1-2. To most of you, that’s probably still considered a lot of posts, but for a blogging demon like me, it’s pathetic and makes me ashamed of my lack of motivation. I hold myself to higher standards than one post a day. Lack of motivation was a problem for me during my years living with a narc; that’s not supposed to be in the picture anymore.

There are two reasons for my lack of motivation, but really just one. The first one is not the real reason but the one I’ve been using as an excuse to not post as much: too much work stress.

That’s a lie because I’ve always had too much work stress. Nothing has really changed on that front. In fact, I’m coping with work stress better than I used to, so that’s not the real reason at all.

The real reason is stupid and embarrassing, and that’s why I haven’t talked about it. Because I’m afraid I’ll be judged harshly because of it.

But I did commit to complete honesty on this blog, and I think it’s become pretty clear that nothing I confess to on this blog will be used against me or will make people judge me harshly (which is one of my biggest fears).

I also think by admitting what my problem is, that in itself might be the remedy and get my blogging mojo back up again.

So here’s the real truth.
I lost what I foolishly thought was a friendship with a man who writes books and is quite famous within the narcissistic abuse community. That man himself is a self-professed narcissist and that in itself should have been a huge red flag. I will not say his name (because I don’t want to have to add it as a tag here), but I think almost all of you in the narcissistic abuse community will know exactly who I am talking about.

I am not going to go into great detail about what happened because there is no reason to. There was never anything other than what I thought was a nice, professional online friendship. However, in my fascination with this man’s unusual mind, I became obsessed to an unhealthy level and found myself being drawn further in, even though I was simultaneously repelled by his personality.

I was not immune to his abuse. No one is. Get too close, and he will abuse you. Just because he writes books and runs forums and makes videos for victims of narcissistic abuse doesn’t mean he isn’t a snake who will bite you if you get too close.

snakes

The man’s initial love bombing of this blog was followed by using it and me for narcissistic supply followed by devaluation and unfair (and untrue) accusations against me. I will not go into the ugly details; it’s not necessary. In a nutshell, I offended him in some way, and now I am “the enemy.” Ultimately he blocked me on most social media. He used me and threw me away when I was no longer of use to him. That’s what narcs do. Just because they’re famous writers who navel-gaze at their own narcissism doesn’t make them some sort of exceptions. A narc is a narc, end of story. They’re all the same.

He no longer comes to this blog, which is probably a good thing, but I won’t lie–it hurts me that he doesn’t. I miss his presence. As a matter of fact, his disappearance and blocking me sent me into a kind of depression. But that’s just part of the abuse cycle a narc uses. I feel so stupid for thinking he was going to continue to be nice to me. That he was some kind of exception just because he’s intellectually brilliant and writes material for people like us.

Ding, ding, ding! WRONG.

But there’s a nice benefit to me from his rejection too. I used to live in mortal terror of offending this overly sensitive man because I didn’t want to lose his “friendship.” I felt like I had to tippytoe around him and never say anything critical about him in order to avoid offending him. I wasn’t even allowed to make a joke at his expense, and once when I said “LOL” to a valued member of this community who made a rather innocuous joke about him, he overreacted and flew into a narcissistic rage directed at me. He blocked me for one day and then unblocked me and apologized, but at the same time lso demanded that I never allow my commenters to make jokes at his expense ever again. Whoa. After that I was very careful not to insult him and never “like” any comment that even implied a criticism.

Now I can call him on his bullshit, and that’s good because calling out the narcs on their crap is part of what this blog is for. Narcissists deserve to be called out.

Offending him was inevitable because he’s a narc, and guess what. I don’t care. In fact I’m glad I offended him and he stopped coming here. Because now I can write whatever I want about him and not be afraid of offending him because I’m already on his shit list apparently, and he doesn’t come here anymore anyway so he probably won’t even see it.

Even though he’s a raging, batshit crazy horse’s ass, to be fair, he helped me a lot in the beginning getting this blog the jump start it needed and maximum visibility. There were heady days in November and December where my blog stats shot through the roof due to something I wrote about him that got shared by him everywhere. That was good for my self esteem. He also taught me a lot of things about narcissism as well as how to promote my blog on my own. He gave me validation, maybe even a little narcissistic supply of my own (which satisfied my own inner narcissist–we all have one).

I don’t need his help anymore. I can do this on my own. But I can’t help wishing he was still around. It was kind of a huge rush that someone I admired so much and was so well known seemed to like or at least take so much interest in my little blog. His attention made me feel kind of special, if truth be told.

In addition, I wanted nothing more than to see this self professed narcissist get healed, because it seemed to me, a narcissist with that much insight and intelligence actually had hope. But I was wrong. He has no hope because he hangs onto his narcissism as a kind of trophy, but more than that, he hangs onto it as a way to keep punishing himself because he hates himself more than anyone I have ever known. He suffers but he loves his suffering. He believes he deserves it. He believes he deserves to be hated. He devalues those who reach out to him in friendship. He cannot get well because he has chosen to remain a narcissist because he thinks it’s all he deserves and it gives him some sort of twisted satisfaction (as well as being his claim to fame and source of income).

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So those heady days of fake “friendship” with a renowned narcissistic writer are gone. Whatever kind of friendship we had, if you can call an Internet relationship with a narcissist a friendship, is over.

He knows I no longer need his help. This blog is doing fine without him now. And he certainly wasn’t the only person who helped this blog get started anyway. But I can’t help feeling as if I did something wrong to make him cut me off. I don’t know what that thing was, because he’s not forthcoming and will probably never tell me what that thing was, if it was anything at all. He’s just another narcissist playing his narcissist games. Narcs don’t know the first thing about true friendship or even how to maintain a working professional relationship, which I stupidly thought we had.

I feel like I’ve been duped and taken for a fool, and that threw me off the roller coaster-like high I’d been riding on due to all his attention.

Okay, fine. Not only was my obsession becoming unhealthy, one day back in December, I was horrified to realize my intellectual Aspie obsession with a disordered man’s mind had developed into a massive infatuation. I was realistic about it though; I knew it was just a ridiculous crush. Not for one minute did I ever have any desire for it to materialize into anything but a pleasant mind diversion for myself alone.

For awhile that’s exactly what it remained. But some of my friends told me I had been taken in under his dangerous spell and to be very careful. They thought my obsession combined with the fact we were in direct communication was unhealthy and dangerous. I’m also afraid I might have driven off a few good friends due to my obsession. He’s not very well liked by some of my friends, and for good reason.

I understand I am not the first or the last person this man will have this kind of effect on. He’s charismatic and has a strange charm and many of us find his brilliant but disordered mind enthralling and exciting. These are exactly the same qualities cult leaders have over their followers and we all know how dangerous they can be.

narcissist_friends

The man’s works do have value though. He is a good writer and has a brilliant mind and if you keep your distance from him, his writings and videos can be valuable to us as ACONs and survivors of relationships with narcissists. Many people say his writings have changed their lives. I’m sure they are telling the truth. He gives good advice to abuse victims.

But that’s as far as it goes. I don’t agree with all his opinions and can understand the dislike some people have for his writings too. He’s pessimistic and dark and offers little to no hope for people suffering from NPD. His self hatred is so evident in his writings. He paints all narcissists as monsters because of his self hatred and that view has permeated the entire narcissistic abuse community, whether they like him or not.

While it’s good to think of narcissists as inhuman monsters when you’re trying to leave or disconnect from one, it’s actually a very toxic philosophy because this sort of negativity and pessimism demonizes a group of very sick people and gives them no hope, even those with insight who want to change, and they do exist. I’ve seen boards and blogs for narcissists who actually want to get well. Maybe they’re in the minority, but they’re out there–and they hate being stereotyped so negatively and offered nothing but hopelessness by a man who has turned his own malignant narcissism into a kind of performance art.

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I was foolish and got way too close due to my morbid curiosity about what made this tragically disordered man’s mind tick. Like others have been (and who had warned me in advance), I was drawn too far inside this man’s darkness. A wise person will not go up to a poisonous snake and start trying to pet it, because the snake will bite you. Stupidly, I allowed myself to get too close to the snake and got bit. Duh.

Just because he writes material for victims of narcissistic abuse and some of it can be of value to us, doesn’t mean he’s a nice person. He is not a nice person. He is a narcissist. That should be enough warning right there.

I’m trying to move on from this experience. I appreciate what he’s done for this blog. His help in the beginning was invaluable and I’ll always be grateful to him for that, as well as teaching me so much about the way the narcissistic mind operates. He was a great teacher to me, for as long as that was possible. I will still continue to read his written material, but only as one among many others.

There is a Buddhist proverb: “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I believe he had a purpose to me, and his purpose has been fulfilled. But there will be other teachers. There already are other teachers–all of you who share your experiences with me on this blog. I value each one of you.

teachers

I have learned you will never be able to really understand the narcissistic mind. I tried, using his mind. The Poster Child of NPD. I tried to get as far inside his mind as it’s possible to go for someone who’s never actually met the person. I read voraciously, did my research, read interviews, heard stories from insiders who do know him, devoured his journals and poetry. I was so drawn to his disordered and undeniably fascinating mind, almost against my will. He had drawn me, as he has many others, under his powerful spell. But once I gained a kind of entry to his mind, it was like entering a hall of smoke and mirrors. I just kept getting more confused and disoriented and found that instead of my questions being answered, even more questions arose. Questions that led to more questions but never any real answers. That’s what happens if you are foolish enough to attempt to figure out what makes a narcissist tick. You will never figure it out but feel like you are losing your own mind in trying to do so.

I’ve been licking my wounds and feeling a little down because of what happened, and there you have it, folks. That’s the reason I haven’t been posting like a maniac. Please don’t judge me for that.

I love this blog and love my community of supporters and readers, and my TRUE FRIENDS. Soon I’ll have forgotten all about what happened. It won’t matter to me anymore. And I’ll be posting like a maniac again.