In spite of our differences…

Posted on June 14, 2016 by luckyotter

My dad wasn’t perfect and I don’t idealize him or his memory. Lord knows, he wasn’t a great father. In fact, he could be a pretty lousy father and he even admitted it later on. But I loved my dad. Deeply. He was my rock, even though he could erupt at any moment like a volcano. And I still love him, no matter what kind of “baggage” we had together.

My dad wasn’t crazy about Catholics, even though he married a lapsed Catholic woman (my mother). I was sent to a Catholic school starting in 5th grade, for two reasons–the first one being that the public schools in my area weren’t very good and I’d get a better education at a Catholic school (Catholic schools are notorious for providing an excellent education and they do value a well-rounded worldview). The second reason was because I was being bullied in the local public school.

In my Catholic school, I found a refuge away from the dysfunction at home. I loved my school, and I loved the Friday masses, even though I was not allowed to participate in Communion. It sometimes felt like my real home. The nuns there took me under their wing. I thought they were angels and (except for one of two of them who could be mean) I was always in awe of their kindness and compassion. I loved the quiet and peaceful way they moved. I loved their softness. I loved the way they seemed not quite of this world. These were the qualities I was starving for, coming from a home full of anger, chaos and sharp edges.

Because of my positive introduction to Catholicism, I was always attracted to it, in spite of not agreeing with all of its doctrine. The Church has changed a lot over the years, since Vatican II, and embraces science rather than denies it. Science, too, is about the truth. I feel that the Catholic church is the “thinking person’s Christianity.” Of course, I know it’s not the only one. I know denomination doesn’t matter; it’s a matter of personal preference. I love the liturgy and the history and the mystery of Catholicism. But that’s just me.

I do have issues with their stance on abortion, birth control, women in the priesthood, and homosexuality. But these things don’t affect me directly. I believe with all my heart that the Communion wafer is not just symbolic. Every time I partake of the communion wafer, I feel filled with the Holy Spirit and know this is Jesus’ gift to his people.

In April of 2015, after nearly a year of preparatory classes (RCIA), I became a Catholic during the Easter vigil mass. My father, in spite of his misgivings about the Catholic church, gave me this Benedictine Crucifix, which hangs in my room across from my bed, so Jesus is always the first thing I see when I wake up.

Thank you, God, for giving me my new faith, and please help strengthen me in that faith, especially now when I’m in so much turmoil. And thank you for my Dad, who although we had our issues, was able to put aside his prejudices and give me such a beautiful gift from the heart.

Regression.

Posted on June 14, 2016 by luckyotter

This is what’s going on with me now. Comments are disabled here; please leave comments under the original post.

I am a warrior.

Posted on June 14, 2016 by luckyotter

This meme spoke to me today. I think it can help others too.

Are You Scared of Me?

Posted on June 14, 2016 by luckyotter

Here’s a very important thought for today.

Are you addicted to Girl Scout Thin Mints?

Posted on June 14, 2016 by luckyotter

It was time for a more lighthearted post. What better thing to write about than Girl Scout Cookies? Yum.

The GS Thin Mints have always been my favorites. They’re still great, but they used to be even better. I found these Back to Nature Fudge Mint cookies that look and taste EXACTLY like the original GS Thin Mint cookies. I couldn’t believe it–I’ve never tasted a better imitation. In fact, they might even be better, if that’s even possible. If you love GS Thin Mints as much as I do, you MUST try these!

fudge_mint

I don’t want to become bitter and full of hate.

Posted on June 13, 2016 by luckyotter

Credit: lynnmosher.com

I’m dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions right now in the wake of my dad’s passing, and rage is probably the dominant emotion I’m trying to process. Not rage at my dad per se, but rage at every narcissist I ever knew starting from the time I was a small child, making my life hell. For those of you who have read my recent posts, you might have noticed the increase in anger I’ve been expressing toward narcissists in general. My posts this week sound a lot like my early posts on this blog, during the first few months after I went NC with my ex.

Rage, anger, and even hatred can be useful, even necessary, when you’re going No Contact. Your survival is at stake. Your anger gives you the courage to escape and overrides any fear that may keep you in thrall to your narcissist. But beyond that, it begins to eat away at your soul and eventually can turn YOU into a narcissist. I’ve seen that happen so many times and it’s tragic. I’ve written about this phenomenon numerous times on this blog so I won’t do so again.

I bring this up because my writing lately seems to reflect a return to a narc-hating mindset. I don’t find hating narcissists helpful, personally. I find it more helpful (for myself anyway) to think of them as a different kind of victim, a type of victim that other victims have trouble understanding because their behavior is so predatory and sometimes incomprehensible. Thinking of them in this way seems to give them less power over me and makes me less afraid.

I don’t want to become an embittered, angry, hate-filled person. I don’t want hatred to take over my battered but still intact soul. I don’t want narc-hatred to turn me into a narcissist. This doesn’t mean I forgive the narcissists in my life for what they have done to me; but I do want to attempt to understand why they do the things they do. I want to understand how and why they became that way. It’s important for me emotionally to do this; being able to understand or at least try to helps me heal.

I know the rage and hate I feel right now is out of character for me, but all my emotions are in turmoil following my father’s passing. I pray that this too will pass and I can return to understanding narcissists without condoning or enabling. I still pray for their deliverance and always will.

Matthew 5:43-48:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? …

“Cinderella.”

Posted on June 13, 2016 by luckyotter

cinderella2

I swear sometimes I feel like Cinderella.

Today was a little better than yesterday. Well, maybe not better, but more productive. I forgot to mention this in last night’s post (Diving Into the Inferno) but my therapist actually thinks I should “crash” my father’s memorial service. I absolutely will not do that; even if I could afford to go, I don’t wish to be where I’m not wanted. I told him this would not work for several reasons and he saw my logic.

I slept fitfully last night. I kept falling asleep and waking up knowing I had been dreaming, but couldn’t remember any of my dreams. When my alarm went off to go to work, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I dragged myself into work and felt hideous. This whole drama involving my dad’s memorial service and the “un-invite” has left me feeling sick, angry, and depressed. I actually felt like throwing up today but I know it was due to all these powerful and conflicting emotions.

I knew I needed some time off just to process everything, so I decided to ask my boss if I could take a few vacation days early. I’m fortunate enough to have a very sweet boss who likes me as an employee and a person, so she was happy to front me three days’ vacation time (I’m taking the rest in August) and I’ll get paid for it too. My boss even remarked about my “good heart,” which touched me but embarrassed me a little too. There’s Cinderella again!

Feeling supported and understood by my boss lifted my mood a little bit, and on the way home I decided to write my father’s wife an email stating my feelings about the “oversight.”

Hello, _____,

I hope you are well and coping okay with everything. I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

Something is concerning me. I thought it was strange the way you told me on the phone you didn’t know when the memorial service would be, but the next day I found out on Facebook that ____ was sent plane tickets so obviously he was told when it is.

Of course I would love to pay my respects because he is my Dad, but unfortunately even if I was told when it would be, I cannot get the time off from work, nor do I have the funds on such short notice. Even so, just being informed of the date and place would have been kind, even if only so I could send flowers and say a special prayer on that day. As his daughter, I have to admit I was hurt by this oversight, which I’m not sure was an oversight at all. Regardless of how the two of you felt about me, I think I should have been given this information.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,

______

I hesitated before sending it, but finally hit that “send” button. I bet the excuse will be something about having forgotten, but at least my feelings will be known and that’s the real reason I sent it.

Just like Cinderella, I’m a scapegoated, unloved child with an evil stepmother too. Hell, I even clean houses! And I have a soft spot for animals of all kinds. But there will be no Prince Charming. Justice though, perhaps. That’s all I expect. Cinderella got justice in the end too but never had to become a bitch to get it. I won’t become a bitch either.

****

surprised_cinderella

ETA: Just got a reply (Boy, THAT was quick!).
I won’t bother to copy her reply, but basically, I’m being told that

(a) I upset her greatly with my email

(b) that no plane tickets were ever sent to my son and there is no date set (why would he lie about it?), and

I feel like I’m being jerked around on a stick! I see 3 things going on here: (a) trying to make me feel guilty; (b) denial and gaslighting; and (c) guilt tripping again and lack of empathy.

I will be sending no further emails. She knows how I feel. I had my say.

****

Even later:

I wound up sending a quick apology over the misunderstanding. I talked to my son who says he doesn’t know the date either. Hell, I don’t know who to believe anymore. I feel like I’m in crazyworld.

Diving into the Inferno.

Posted on June 13, 2016 by luckyotter

The Ten Commandments of the Narc Cult family.

Posted on June 13, 2016 by luckyotter

Narc families are like cults. They swarm with Cluster Bees (sorry, couldn’t resist!) particularly Narcissists, and there is usually one Leader who is a Malignant Narcissist that rules over the Lesser narcissists and their supporters. There is always one member who serves as a sacrificial lamb who all imperfections can be dumped on. The Narc-family Cult has a set of unwritten Commandments. If you break these Commandments, you will be turned viciously against. Oh, no one tells you about the Commandments; there is no Holy Book or Bible; it is just assumed that you know them and you had better learn them well and not break any if you want to keep your place in the Cult.

Thou shalt not “enable” anyone down on their luck. Everyone should be able to take care of themselves and not expect help. To help someone means you’re a “codependent” or “enabler” and indicates your own unfitness to remain a Cult member.
Thou shalt not be weak. Weakness means financial, emotional, physical, or mental vulnerability of any kind. Weakness also means showing empathy or true (as opposed to fake) kindness and charity. (see above). You are to pull your self up by your own bootstraps no matter what challenges confront you, not cry or whine, and be a self-made man or woman. Do not expect financial, emotional or any other kind of support because such support is only for weak people.
Thou shalt not ask for help. Ever. You are to pick yourself up even if you’re bleeding to death and not expect help from others because only weak people do that. If you die of your wounds, oh well, you were too weak to deserve to live anyway. If you do commit the sin of asking for help, expect to be judged, scolded and criticized for daring to be so “entitled” to expect help from others. Each man out for himself.
Thou shalt value monetary and material success above everything else. Be a self made man or woman and have lots of material goodies to show what a strong and successful person you are. Qualities like empathy, compassion, and kindness are only for the weak.
Thou shalt never become poor. Becoming impoverished is proof of your weakness and unfitness to live in this world. Poverty is a heinous sin, brought on by your own unfitness, stupidity, and incompetence and is evidence of your worthlessness. Go die somewhere, loser. You brought this on yourself.
Thou shalt keep a perfect “Temple.” Becoming fat, even a little overweight, or having any physical flaws you do nothing about (even if you are not able to do anything about them) or not dressing fashionably is a mortal sin punishable by rejection and shunning. You are not worthy of a place in the Cult if your Temple shows any cracks or imperfections.
Thou shalt not expect support after age 18. When a Cult member turns 18, he or she is expected to fully support themselves, expect no help from any Cult member, and not ask questions. Our responsibility to you ends on your 18th birthday. Exceptions may be made for the Golden Child.
A proper Cult family must keep a Sacrificial Lamb for ritual abuse. A Sacrificial Lamb, or Scapegoat is a necessary accessory in any proper Cult family to carry any shame the more worthy family members want to be rid of or deny. All unsavory or shameful traits can be unloaded and projected onto the Scapegoat, since a worthy Family member must be perfect at all times. This Scapegoat should be banished when their purpose has been fulfilled or when they are no longer of any use. There are no restrictions on how badly a Scapegoat can be treated. They are fair game for any kind of abuse anyone wishes to inflict on them. Should the Scapegoat protest this treatment or attempt to blow the whistle, they are to be banished forever. If they die, even better. Their souls must be destroyed.
A proper Cult family must have its Golden Child. The golden child is a Cult Leader in Training. Every Cult family must contribute to the causes of the Cult by presenting its best and brightest (and most obedient) member and holding that child to lofty standards and a bright future. The Golden Child should be trained to project any undesirable traits of their own onto the Scapegoat because they too must be perfect at all times and show no imperfections.
Thou shalt learn the Rituals of the Cult. Worthy Cult members must learn the ancient and sacred techniques of Gaslighting, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation, Recruitment of Flying Monkeys, Manipulation, Faking Emotion (for personal gain), Silence (for both punishment and control), Devaluation (and Discard), Denial, Smearing, and Character Assassination (to be used against the Scapegoat). Any Cult member who fails to learn these techniques or refuses to use them is committing a heinous sin and risks demotion to Scapegoat status.