I swear sometimes I feel like Cinderella.

Today was a little better than yesterday.  Well, maybe not better, but more productive.  I forgot to mention this in last night’s post (Diving Into the Inferno) but my therapist actually thinks I should “crash” my father’s memorial service.  I absolutely will not do that; even if I could afford to go, I don’t wish to be where I’m not wanted.  I told him this would not work for several reasons and he saw my logic.

I slept fitfully last night.  I kept falling asleep and waking up knowing I had been dreaming, but couldn’t remember any of my dreams.  When my alarm went off to go to work, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all.   I dragged myself into work and felt hideous.  This whole drama involving my dad’s memorial service and the “un-invite” has left me feeling sick, angry, and depressed.  I actually felt like throwing up today but I know it was due to all these powerful and conflicting emotions.

I knew I needed some time off just to process everything, so I decided to ask my boss if I could take a few vacation days early.  I’m fortunate enough to have a very sweet boss who likes me as an employee and a person, so she was happy to front me three days’ vacation time (I’m taking the rest in August) and I’ll get paid for it too.  My boss even remarked about my “good heart,” which touched me but embarrassed me a little too.  There’s Cinderella again!

Feeling supported and understood by my boss lifted my mood a little bit, and on the way home I decided to write my father’s wife an email stating my feelings about the “oversight.”

Hello, _____,

I hope you are well and coping okay with everything.  I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

Something is concerning me. I thought it was strange the way you told me on the phone you didn’t know when the memorial service would be, but the next day I found out on Facebook that ____ was sent plane tickets so obviously he was told when it is.

Of course I would love to pay my respects because he is my Dad, but unfortunately even if I was told when it would be, I cannot get the time off from work, nor do I have the funds on such short notice.   Even so, just being informed of the date and place would have been kind, even if only so I could send flowers and say a special prayer on that day.  As his daughter, I have to admit I was hurt by this oversight, which I’m not sure was an oversight at all. Regardless of how the two of you felt about me, I think I should have been given this information.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,

______

I hesitated before sending it, but finally hit that “send” button.   I bet the excuse will be something about having forgotten,  but at least my feelings will be known and that’s the real reason I sent it.

Just like Cinderella,  I’m a scapegoated, unloved child with an evil stepmother too. Hell, I even clean houses!  And I have a soft spot for animals of all kinds.  But there will be no Prince Charming.  Justice though, perhaps.  That’s all I expect.  Cinderella got justice in the end too but never had to become a bitch to get it.  I won’t become a bitch either.

****

ETA:  Just got a reply (Boy, THAT was quick!).
I won’t bother to copy her reply, but basically, I’m being told that

(a) I upset her greatly with my email

(b)  that no plane tickets were ever sent to my son and there is no date set (why would he lie about it?), and

(c) that she does not want to get involved in “my drama.”

I feel like I’m being jerked around on a stick!    I see 3 things going on here: (a) trying to make me feel guilty; (b) denial and gaslighting; and (c) guilt tripping again and lack of empathy.

I will be sending no further emails.  She knows how I feel.  I had my say.

****

Even later:

I wound up sending a quick apology over the misunderstanding. I talked to my son who says he doesn’t know the date either. Hell, I don’t know who to believe anymore. I feel like I’m in crazyworld.