Our Nation Suffers From C-PTSD

Posted on August 5, 2017 by luckyotter

I found two articles that I think many of you will find helpful and informative. I know I did! I completely agree with the author that our nation’s most vulnerable — immigrants, the poor, women, the old, the disabled, people of color, gay and transgender people, etc. — are being gaslighted and smeared by this administration so that WE are the monsters, while the real monsters paint themselves as the victims. This is a common manipulation tactic used by sociopaths called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender).

We have never had a president like Donald Trump before. This is NOT politics as usual, nor is it normal. You have every right to feel the way you do. You are not crazy.

What other administration acted the way these people do? What other president was hell-bent on destroying the truth? What other president waged a Twitter war against his predecessor and others who disagree with him? What other president was so obsessed with the number of people who voted for him or who showed up at his inauguration? What other president was so destructive, hell-bent on tearing down any and all agencies and programs that benefit and protect the everyday people, our environment, and democracy itself? What other president admired dictators and authoritarian regimes, and thumbed his nose at other western democracies as being “weak”? What other president used scare tactics and hatred to divide and conquer, the way Trump does at his rallies and on Twitter? Most politicians have more than average levels of narcissism, or they wouldn’t survive long in their jobs (or even be attracted to politics as a profession). But I think, in most cases, they had healthy narcissism, not the sort of malignant narcissism Donald Trump clearly suffers from. Nor do they surround themselves with equally sociopathic, destructive personalities.

It hit me how truly monstrous these sociopaths were when I saw this picture of them laughing after their “healthcare bill” that would toss 23 million people off healthcare passed the House back in May.

<> on January 7, 2016 in Washington, DC.

Until, then, like anyone who’s being abused, I wanted to believe they somehow had our best interests at heart.

They don’t. They have no conscience and no empathy. They are entitled and think they are above the law. They use toxic religion to manipulate and scare the religious into submission and to shame the vulnerable. Their intention is to destroy us and all that we hold dear. That is no exaggeration or crazy conspiracy theory (as they want us to think), and he is riling up his flying monkeys at his rallies. Most Trump supporters have authoritarian personalities, and authoritarianism is highly correlated with narcissism and antisocial behavior.

Even Republicans are abandoning their own party because of what it’s become. They aren’t a political party anymore. They are a cult. They show all the signs of being a cult, and Trump’s followers act like cult members.

Many people are being traumatized by Trump and his policies. Even his own staff are being abused and manipulated. Most of those who still have a conscience have already fled the White House or been fired (it’s my opinion that Sean Spicer was being traumatized and spiritually destroyed by his job).

I think those of us who endured narcissistic abuse have a special advantage because we recognize exactly what we are now faced with. We can and should call them out on their BS. I think we have a responsibility to fight against this darkness and our own abuse prepared us for this. And I believe that in the end, justice and truth will win. It always does.

It would be nice if we could go No Contact with our country, but for most of us, that isn’t a possibility. It’s not all hopeless though. We can fight back and resist, but we also need to take care of ourselves. The author of the C-PTSD article also wrote a post about how to survive what’s been dubbed Trump Trauma. Even therapists regard it as a real malady and are seeing a spike in their patient rolls since January.

Our Nation Suffers From C-PTSD

A Practical Guide to Surviving Trump

“Cinderella.”

Posted on June 13, 2016 by luckyotter

cinderella2

I swear sometimes I feel like Cinderella.

Today was a little better than yesterday. Well, maybe not better, but more productive. I forgot to mention this in last night’s post (Diving Into the Inferno) but my therapist actually thinks I should “crash” my father’s memorial service. I absolutely will not do that; even if I could afford to go, I don’t wish to be where I’m not wanted. I told him this would not work for several reasons and he saw my logic.

I slept fitfully last night. I kept falling asleep and waking up knowing I had been dreaming, but couldn’t remember any of my dreams. When my alarm went off to go to work, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I dragged myself into work and felt hideous. This whole drama involving my dad’s memorial service and the “un-invite” has left me feeling sick, angry, and depressed. I actually felt like throwing up today but I know it was due to all these powerful and conflicting emotions.

I knew I needed some time off just to process everything, so I decided to ask my boss if I could take a few vacation days early. I’m fortunate enough to have a very sweet boss who likes me as an employee and a person, so she was happy to front me three days’ vacation time (I’m taking the rest in August) and I’ll get paid for it too. My boss even remarked about my “good heart,” which touched me but embarrassed me a little too. There’s Cinderella again!

Feeling supported and understood by my boss lifted my mood a little bit, and on the way home I decided to write my father’s wife an email stating my feelings about the “oversight.”

Hello, _____,

I hope you are well and coping okay with everything. I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

Something is concerning me. I thought it was strange the way you told me on the phone you didn’t know when the memorial service would be, but the next day I found out on Facebook that ____ was sent plane tickets so obviously he was told when it is.

Of course I would love to pay my respects because he is my Dad, but unfortunately even if I was told when it would be, I cannot get the time off from work, nor do I have the funds on such short notice. Even so, just being informed of the date and place would have been kind, even if only so I could send flowers and say a special prayer on that day. As his daughter, I have to admit I was hurt by this oversight, which I’m not sure was an oversight at all. Regardless of how the two of you felt about me, I think I should have been given this information.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,

______

I hesitated before sending it, but finally hit that “send” button. I bet the excuse will be something about having forgotten, but at least my feelings will be known and that’s the real reason I sent it.

Just like Cinderella, I’m a scapegoated, unloved child with an evil stepmother too. Hell, I even clean houses! And I have a soft spot for animals of all kinds. But there will be no Prince Charming. Justice though, perhaps. That’s all I expect. Cinderella got justice in the end too but never had to become a bitch to get it. I won’t become a bitch either.

****

surprised_cinderella

ETA: Just got a reply (Boy, THAT was quick!).
I won’t bother to copy her reply, but basically, I’m being told that

(a) I upset her greatly with my email

(b) that no plane tickets were ever sent to my son and there is no date set (why would he lie about it?), and

I feel like I’m being jerked around on a stick! I see 3 things going on here: (a) trying to make me feel guilty; (b) denial and gaslighting; and (c) guilt tripping again and lack of empathy.

I will be sending no further emails. She knows how I feel. I had my say.

****

Even later:

I wound up sending a quick apology over the misunderstanding. I talked to my son who says he doesn’t know the date either. Hell, I don’t know who to believe anymore. I feel like I’m in crazyworld.

Guest Post #6: Getting By One Day at a Time (Survivor Road)

Posted on March 13, 2016 by luckyotter

Survivor Road is a blog written by a man who is a survival of childhood sexual abuse. I am not sure if he wants me to use his first name so I’ll err on the side of caution and not use it.

From his Welcome Page:

Researchers have found that 1 in 6 men have experienced abusive sexual experiences before age 18. And this is probably a low estimate, since it doesn’t include non-contact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects.

If you’ve had such an experience, or think you might have, you are not alone.

If you wonder whether such an experience may be connected to some difficulties or challenges in your life now, you are not alone.

If you are a male–or female–survivor of sexual (or any other kind of) abuse, please stop by Survivor Road and say hello. You may find exactly what you’ve been looking for there and people who have been through similar trauma.

This brave man was kind enough to respond to my invitation for guest bloggers, but his post isn’t about abuse or mental illness per se. Instead, he wrote this inspirational post about how to survive as an abuse victim, the 12-step way: one day at a time. This sage advice can apply to almost any problem or situation which is tripping us up in life, not just surviving abuse.

GETTING BY ONE DAY AT A TIME
By Survivor Road

I’ve never liked public speaking. When Lauren asked me to write a guest post for this blog I thought I might feel different. I was wrong. This is so much akin to walking into a room filled with people that are all used to hearing from one person and now here am I, this new guy, a stranger, and what can he possibly say that is going to be of any importance? And I will agree what is important to me may not matter to you. (That doesn’t help the self-doubt either)…

If I could bottle up everything I’d like to say into one line, it would probably be:

You can survive each day if you live each day as just one day. No reliving the past or hiding in fear of the future. Today is more than enough for today.

I know, rather trite. But being trite doesn’t keep it from being true. I’ve found it works for myself, but so many I have talked to have expressed the same idea. You can only live in this moment, so don’t expend all your energy on any other time but the present. Don’t judge your past actions based on your present understanding. Accept your actions were acceptable for the time and place they happened.

This used to be much easier for me. For over thirty years I didn’t remember much before turning fifteen. Some good some not-so-great, but mostly my life as a kid was more mystery than memory. In my “gut” I knew there was more – there was something, but I couldn’t tell you what. I went through dozens of therapists by the age of forty, all with different ideas and philosophies. Religious, secular, it didn’t matter. I just wanted an answer to what happened so I could know who I was. The major hitch in all this – I believed who I was depended on what had happened to me.

Then, when the memories started returning, I wove a new ‘understanding’ – I believed I was what had happened to me. I was the abuse. Then I was the cause of the abuse. It was all my fault. And if I was so flawed I could cause those kinds of things to happen to me at nine, or five, or two… just imagine how screwed up I could make life yet to happen. So in one bucket I had my life, guilt over my past, and fear of my future all stewing together. And that sucker got real heavy in a hurry.

I’d love to say I have it all sorted out now. That I’m doing so great that I agreed to be a guest blogger. But that’s not the case. There are times I still wonder if my intense draw to other men is wrapped up in my abuse. And there are the nights I cry myself to sleep or sit up screaming in the middle of the night, reliving the pain, or worse – humiliation, of something from my past. I still deal with triggers which can be as innocuous as a word, sound, or smell.

I used to think that, if other people can manage, I can. I’ve heard/read stories so much worse than what I suffered of people who are survivors and living each day strong. But, for me anyhoo, trying to live my life because someone else manages to — that doesn’t work. I have to be because I want to be.

And, bottom line, there it is. I want to live. I want to accept all of me. That does not mean accepting what happened to me, but it does mean accepting that it did happen. Maybe a fine line, but a major difference in viewpoint. What happened was horrible. But it did happen. And that’s the other point – it did happen; but it is not happening anymore. And even when my dreams are interrupted by the terrible truth of the past, it is still of the past. Does it impact today? Sure. But does it rule today? No.

At least it doesn’t rule this day. Tomorrow is another day, but I will live that day when it gets here. My hands are still way too busy juggling to add anything future.

Life is not always sweet and wonderful. But it is life. Regardless of what I believe lies on the other side of death, there are things here and now that I am not willing to let go of. Even with the pain. Even with the memories. Even with the bouts of unfathomable depression.

You have the choice over how you live. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. And sometimes we can’t see anything but the destruction of our souls. But even when all is dark and we’re trapped within the cellar of depression, our actions are still our choice. Make the choice you are best able to make and there is no reason to regret it later.

Whether or not you can be at peace with the world around you, my hope for you is peace with the world within you.

Going out for a walk.

Posted on January 23, 2016 by luckyotter

I feel good about taking action about something I had hesitated about. I can’t stand having to do things like that, but once you do it, you feel relief. I haven’t been out of the house in almost 2 days, due to the weather, and I need to get out, I’m getting cabin fever. So I’m going to take a walk for about an hour in the snow and just forget about all the BS life throws at me.

I write so my head won’t explode.

Posted on April 23, 2015 by luckyotter

Alaina, a frequent commenter on this blog, said she almost named her blog “I Write So My Head Won’t Explode” but decided it was too stupid to be a blog name.

I think it’s great. So great I decided to write an article with that name. It’s great because it’s the truth. If I didn’t have this blog and wasn’t able to write every day about the good, the bad, and the ugly, I think I would have gone insane by now.

Writers are by nature people with issues. We have mental problems. That’s why we write. If we didn’t write, we’d be drinking, drugging, sleeping all day or stuffing our faces with junk food, or engaging in any number of other unhealthy and self-destructive activities. I know I did until I started writing.

If you can write, you are blessed. If you enjoy and are good at any creative endeavor (writing, art, acting, singing, dancing, etc.) that can add something useful, entertaining, educational or beautiful to the world and at the same time provide an outlet for your deepest, most painful or confusing emotions, for the love of God, use your God-given gift.

Writing is my safety valve. It’s something I love doing that isn’t going to destroy my mind or my body. But it’s a discipline too. Sometimes I have to force myself to write, even when I don’t want to. I’m always glad I did.

As ACONs and survivors of narcissistic abuse, we also have a calling and a responsibility to educate others about what we have experienced. Nothing happens for no reason. We were given the lives we were given as an education so we could help others. Part of our responsibility as narcissism bloggers is exposing the N’s of the world who have nothing but ill will for other human beings–and we do that through writing.

Since my daughter moved out Tuesday night, I’ve been more depressed than usual. In fact, I haven’t been this depressed in over a year. It’s not so much because she’s not here(though I do miss her), but that she lied to me when she was leaving. I confronted her about the lie yesterday–she told me her grandfather had sent her birthday money in a card, when he actually did not because I called him and asked–and she explained it was a bluff because she thought maybe I had stolen it and was possibly trying to get money out of me (playing on my “guilt” for having “stolen” it).

I felt betrayed and hurt by her lack of trust in me as well as her lying to me in such a mean spirited way. It’s been bothering me since it happened. It made me worry that she may really be a narcissist and not a borderline at all. I started thinking maybe she was diagnosed with BPD so her insurance would pay for her treatment (I don’t think NPD is covered by most insurance companies). I really don’t want my daughter to have NPD. It’s a painful and horrible thing to face–that your own kid who you love more than anything in the universe, may be a narc. I’d rather believe she has BPD. Maybe that’s all it is. I hope.

Yesterday I didn’t even go to work, I was so depressed about all this. I lay in bed sleeping most of the day instead, which is what I do when I’m depressed. Of course that just made me feel even worse. I didn’t want to write, I just wanted to sleep and feel sorry for myself.

But I also felt like pressure was building up in my head and that if I didn’t write, my brain might explode. So I forced myself to write, and I did feel a lot better–I no longer feel stressed to the point that I think I have to wear a head truss to to keep it in one piece.