Rubycommenting just started a blog about narcissistic abuse and being the family black sheep. Not much is there yet, but there are a couple of posts already and I want to get the word out and help her get some followers. 🙂
Congratulations on your new blog, Ruby! I think you will find that blogging will bring you a lot of clarity and understanding and it feels so great to know you’re helping others too.
Now Rubycommenting can change her handle to Rubyblogging! LOL!
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Narc families are like cults. They swarm with Cluster Bees (sorry, couldn’t resist!) particularly Narcissists, and there is usually one Leader who is a Malignant Narcissist that rules over the Lesser narcissists and their supporters. There is always one member who serves as a sacrificial lamb who all imperfections can be dumped on. The Narc-family Cult has a set of unwritten Commandments. If you break these Commandments, you will be turned viciously against. Oh, no one tells you about the Commandments; there is no Holy Book or Bible; it is just assumed that you know them and you had better learn them well and not break any if you want to keep your place in the Cult.
- Thou shalt not “enable” anyone down on their luck. Everyone should be able to take care of themselves and not expect help. To help someone means you’re a “codependent” or “enabler” and indicates your own unfitness to remain a Cult member.
- Thou shalt not be weak. Weakness means financial, emotional, physical, or mental vulnerability of any kind. Weakness also means showing empathy or true (as opposed to fake) kindness and charity. (see above). You are to pull your self up by your own bootstraps no matter what challenges confront you, not cry or whine, and be a self-made man or woman. Do not expect financial, emotional or any other kind of support because such support is only for weak people.
- Thou shalt not ask for help. Ever. You are to pick yourself up even if you’re bleeding to death and not expect help from others because only weak people do that. If you die of your wounds, oh well, you were too weak to deserve to live anyway. If you do commit the sin of asking for help, expect to be judged, scolded and criticized for daring to be so “entitled” to expect help from others. Each man out for himself.
- Thou shalt value monetary and material success above everything else. Be a self made man or woman and have lots of material goodies to show what a strong and successful person you are. Qualities like empathy, compassion, and kindness are only for the weak.
- Thou shalt never become poor. Becoming impoverished is proof of your weakness and unfitness to live in this world. Poverty is a heinous sin, brought on by your own unfitness, stupidity, and incompetence and is evidence of your worthlessness. Go die somewhere, loser. You brought this on yourself.
- Thou shalt keep a perfect “Temple.” Becoming fat, even a little overweight, or having any physical flaws you do nothing about (even if you are not able to do anything about them) or not dressing fashionably is a mortal sin punishable by rejection and shunning. You are not worthy of a place in the Cult if your Temple shows any cracks or imperfections.
- Thou shalt not expect support after age 18. When a Cult member turns 18, he or she is expected to fully support themselves, expect no help from any Cult member, and not ask questions. Our responsibility to you ends on your 18th birthday. Exceptions may be made for the Golden Child.
- A proper Cult family must keep a Sacrificial Lamb for ritual abuse. A Sacrificial Lamb, or Scapegoat is a necessary accessory in any proper Cult family to carry any shame the more worthy family members want to be rid of or deny. All unsavory or shameful traits can be unloaded and projected onto the Scapegoat, since a worthy Family member must be perfect at all times. This Scapegoat should be banished when their purpose has been fulfilled or when they are no longer of any use. There are no restrictions on how badly a Scapegoat can be treated. They are fair game for any kind of abuse anyone wishes to inflict on them. Should the Scapegoat protest this treatment or attempt to blow the whistle, they are to be banished forever. If they die, even better. Their souls must be destroyed.
- A proper Cult family must have its Golden Child. The golden child is a Cult Leader in Training. Every Cult family must contribute to the causes of the Cult by presenting its best and brightest (and most obedient) member and holding that child to lofty standards and a bright future. The Golden Child should be trained to project any undesirable traits of their own onto the Scapegoat because they too must be perfect at all times and show no imperfections.
- Thou shalt learn the Rituals of the Cult. Worthy Cult members must learn the ancient and sacred techniques of Gaslighting, Blame-Shifting, Triangulation, Recruitment of Flying Monkeys, Manipulation, Faking Emotion (for personal gain), Silence (for both punishment and control), Devaluation (and Discard), Denial, Smearing, and Character Assassination (to be used against the Scapegoat). Any Cult member who fails to learn these techniques or refuses to use them is committing a heinous sin and risks demotion to Scapegoat status.