I don’t want to become bitter and full of hate.

Credit: lynnmosher.com

I’m dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions right now in the wake of my dad’s passing, and rage is probably the dominant emotion I’m trying to process. Not rage at my dad per se, but rage at every narcissist I ever knew starting from the time I was a small child, making my life hell. For those of you who have read my recent posts, you might have noticed the increase in anger I’ve been expressing toward narcissists in general. My posts this week sound a lot like my early posts on this blog, during the first few months after I went NC with my ex.

Rage, anger, and even hatred can be useful, even necessary, when you’re going No Contact. Your survival is at stake. Your anger gives you the courage to escape and overrides any fear that may keep you in thrall to your narcissist. But beyond that, it begins to eat away at your soul and eventually can turn YOU into a narcissist. I’ve seen that happen so many times and it’s tragic. I’ve written about this phenomenon numerous times on this blog so I won’t do so again.

I bring this up because my writing lately seems to reflect a return to a narc-hating mindset. I don’t find hating narcissists helpful, personally. I find it more helpful (for myself anyway) to think of them as a different kind of victim, a type of victim that other victims have trouble understanding because their behavior is so predatory and sometimes incomprehensible. Thinking of them in this way seems to give them less power over me and makes me less afraid.

I don’t want to become an embittered, angry, hate-filled person. I don’t want hatred to take over my battered but still intact soul. I don’t want narc-hatred to turn me into a narcissist. This doesn’t mean I forgive the narcissists in my life for what they have done to me; but I do want to attempt to understand why they do the things they do. I want to understand how and why they became that way. It’s important for me emotionally to do this; being able to understand or at least try to helps me heal.

I know the rage and hate I feel right now is out of character for me, but all my emotions are in turmoil following my father’s passing. I pray that this too will pass and I can return to understanding narcissists without condoning or enabling. I still pray for their deliverance and always will.

Matthew 5:43-48:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? …

Why narcissists are more hated than psychopaths.


All four Cluster B disorders are vilified, especially on the Internet, but for a long time I wondered why NPD seemed to be even more demonized than ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and psychopathy and seemed to be regarded as the most “evil” disorder to have.   After all, most narcissists are not going around breaking the law, murdering people (not physically, anyway), and most at least pretend to be nice to you, at least if your relationship is only casual.  They make a good impression and most have families and respectable jobs.  They go to church, teach second grade, and volunteer at the food pantry. If you’re just acquaintances or casual friends with a narcissist, they can even be a lot of fun.    They also provide a lot of our entertainment, as narcissism (including NPD) is over-represented  among celebrities, and what would we do without our movie, sports, and pop stars?   Antisocial people are far more likely to be in prison and most aren’t making a mark in the creative arts.   So why is it that narcissists are hated more than anyone else, at least on the Internet?  I think I finally figured out the answer to this, and there are a few reasons.

1. Narcissists are more likely to have raised us.

Not too many people with antisocial personality disorder become parents, or are allowed to keep their children for very long of they do.   They don’t need to have children for narcissistic supply since they don’t require that, and if they do have kids, their bad behavior is so obvious that their kids are usually taken away from them at a young age.   They don’t pretend to be good parents but secretly abuse their child the ways narcissists do.  They may even voluntarily give up a child because raising it is too much bother and gets in the way of their antisocial activities.

2.  Narcissists are more likely to have been a lover or a spouse.

Psychopaths and people with antisocial personality disorder tend to be loners, or run in packs (gangs).   They tend to dislike commitment and because they don’t require supply from other people, they usually have no use for a close relationship.   If they marry, it could be for financial reasons since all they care about is what works and what is practical. As a result, while they can’t really love, they may not really be that emotionally abusive.

3.  Psychopaths and people with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) seem like rare, exotic (and often caged) creatures.


There’s a common perception of antisocial and psychopathic types being somehow apart from the rest of humanity, maybe not even quite human.   As a society, we are drawn to and fascinated by serial killers (though technically, a few, like Ted Bundy, have had an NPD diagnosis)  and a sort of cult has grown around psychopathic mass murderers, bank robbers, and serial killers.  They make good entertainment.   They’re also cool (something narcs are not).  In the movies, TV, and novels, the anti-hero is a “rebel without a cause” who usually fits the criteria for ASPD or psychopathy.   Even if they’re not committing crimes, they seem like exotic free agents who do whatever they want, whenever they want, and don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks.  Think of Ferris Bueller.  Ferris was more antisocial than narcissistic but he became a role model for millions of teenagers in the 1980s because he was just so cool.   If he was a narc he would have been cast as the villain.   Compare Ferris with Nellie Olson,  the spoiled, bratty rich girl in Little House on the Prairie.  Any questions? 

4.  What you see is what you get.

While psychopaths and people with ASPD lie well and often, it’s usually to avoid getting in trouble.  They can be manipulative, but only to get what they want from you (and what they want isn’t narcissistic supply but more practical things that help them achieve their goals).   They don’t lie just for the sake of lying.  Gaslighting, triangulation, and other types of emotional abuse that involve vicious lies about another person’s character aren’t really their thing.

5.  Narcissists are sneaky.


Related to the above, narcissists are always trying to undermine or even destroy you behind your back.  Essentially, they are huge cowards.  Psychopaths and antisocial people don’t care about such “niceties” and tell you what they really think of you right to your face. No, they don’t have any empathy either and they don’t give a damn if they hurt your feelings, but they usually won’t be pretending to be your best friend either (unless you can be of practical use to them in some way) .

6.  Narcissists wallow in self pity.

Psychopaths and antisocials don’t feel sorry for themselves or waste other people’s time whimpering about how everyone hates them or how they never get any breaks.   That’s because they don’t care what you think of them and they make their own breaks, even if they have to break the law to do it.   Narcissists are not only hypersensitive, they are very dependent on other people.  People with ASPD pretty much operate alone.  They’re too cool for such narcissistic shenanigans as wanting to be liked and admired.

7.  Narcissists are  high maintenance.


Psychopaths and antisocial people do not require narcissistic supply, therefore they don’t demand too much emotional sustenance from other people.  Narcissists constantly require being blown up like a punching clown doll (and make you want to punch them).

8.  People assume most psychopaths are in prison.

It’s not true, of course (some are running huge multinational corporations or running for political office), but most people assume anyone with ASPD/psychopathy is in prison and therefore no danger to the rest of us.    In contrast, narcissists seem to be lurking behind every tree and lamp post and hiding under every bed.