Would someone really name their child “Narcissus”?

babynarcissus

Apparently so, because it’s on this website about baby names. But looking at its popularity in the United States, it isn’t and never was. The only time it even appears on the graph was in the late 1800’s, and then only briefly.

The feminized form of the name, Narcissa, is a character in the Harry Potter books, and she suited her name well.

It’s actually a nice name, if it didn’t have unpleasant connotations with a devastating personality disorder. It also has a pretty flower named after it. I’d still choose it over “Dick,” the ugliest and most awful name you could give a boy in my opinion.

So who would name their baby boy “Narcissus”? There’s only two kinds of people I could think of: Hollywood celebrities and narcissists, especially Hollywood celebrities who are narcissists.

Stunning “Narcissus” dance performance

Trailer from the dance film “Narcissus” by Giorgio Madia. Moving and beautiful. I wish I knew where to see the entire film.

20 songs about narcissists (#11 – 20)

Here are the final ten songs in this series about narcissism and psychopathy in popular music. The first ten are in this post: https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/12/ten-songs-about-narcissists-part-one/

11. “Every Me and Every You” by Placebo

A commenter named Sinderella suggested this one to me. I never heard it before, but it’s a great rock song and it also comes from the point of view of the narcissist, instead of the victim, which makes it a bit different. Thank you, Sinderella.

12. “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails

Disturbing look inside the psyche of a malignant narcissist by the well known ’90s rock band.

13. “Live to Tell” by Madonna

One of Madonna’s best and most haunting songs ever. The lyrics are a bit oblique but I read somewhere this was a song about her abusive, psychopathic father. It could be about a love relationship with a narcissist too. (Madonna herself allegedly has NPD–since it’s a family disease, many ACONS also have the disorder).

14. “Farmer’s Daughter” by Crystal Bowersox

Catchy but angry and emotionally cathartic autobiographical folk-pop song about the singer’s abusive, drunk, psychopathic mother, who badly damaged both her children. There wasn’t a lyric video for this because the song was never a big hit, but I think you can understand all the words and the video tells the story.

15. “Don’t You Want Me’ by the Human League

The synth-pop hit from 1981 tells the story of a woman whose narcissistic, manipulative manager/lover is no longer of any use to her because he’s made her a big celebrity and now she wants to move on. It’s hard to tell who’s the real narcissist here. This may be one of those rare relationships with two narcissists using each other for their own gain. Such a relationship cannot last.

16. “Foolish Games” by Jewel

Hauntingly beautiful song by the folk-turned-country singer about being dumped by a narcissistic man who only used her as long as he needed her.

17. “Sweet Nothing” by Calvin Harris featuring Florence Welch

Fairly new dance-pop hit about a woman dealing with a narcissistic lover.

18. “The Chauffeur” by The Deftones

The lyrics are very poetic and somewhat oblique but this seems to be about a relationship with a malignantly narcissistic woman.

19. “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye featuring Kimbra

I never really thought of this as a song about narcissism, but if you listen to the short verse by Kimbra (really the most telling lyric in the song), she is calling her lover out for his narcissistic, manipulative behavior, while Gotye appears to be experiencing a narcissistic crisis/loss of narcissistic supply and blaming his lover for leaving him.

And to close this post…

20. “My Way” by Frank Sinatra

Classic song by the blue eyed crooner paints a picture of a narcissist from his own point of view.

If you liked this post, also see 12 More Songs About Narcissism.

Here’s another ten songs about narcissism I just added to this series: https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/04/22/10-more-songs-about-narcissists/

20 songs about narcissists (#1 – 10)

Because so many relationships are unequal, predatory, and abusive, and songs about relationships are so common in popular music, narcissism comes up in them often. I have posted songs about narcissism before, but I wanted to put them all in one post. I will be posting 20 songs, 10 in each post.

These songs are not ranked (because ranking them is impossible and isn’t my focus here anyway), so the songs are posted in totally random order.

Almost every genre of popular music is represented here. I have tried to include lyric videos whenever possible, so you can read the words.

1. “Narcissist” by The420Four:

Indie stoner garage rock that hits the nail on the head (but is nearly unlistenable). It still belongs on the list.

2. “Mean” by Taylor Swift

The pop country princess seems like someone who’s been in more than her fair share of abusive relationships with narcissistic, selfish men. From what I’ve heard, fame has never gone to her head–she’s super nice and falls in love easily, so she probably attracts narcissistic men who want to use her. But in this song, Taylor finally shows a little badass attitude and calls out her latest narcissist for what he really is in her ridiculously catchy 2012 pop-country hit “Mean.”

3. “Narcissus” by Alanis Morissette

Tribute to a narcissistic lover by the popular ’90s singer. This is one of her more current, less well known songs, but it’s still great.

4. “Building a Mystery” by Sarah McLachlan

The video is so well done in this hauntingly beautiful 1997 hit that I didn’t search for a lyric video. If you want to read the lyrics, I posted them here. This has remained one of my favorite songs ever.

5. “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday

The turquoise on hot pink typeface is a little hard on the eyes, but this was the only lyric video I could find for this enormously popular 1985 electropop hit about a relationship with a narcissist who wanted to keep their relationship a secret.

6. “Father of Mine” by Everclear

Here’s a hit from the early 2000’s from a man’s perspective–this song was written by the lead singer about his abusive and uncaring father (who was most likely a malignant narcissist) and how it’s still having repercussions on his life as an adult.

7. “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon

This was a huge radio hit in 1972. Simon wrote this song about the narcissistic actor Warren Beatty, who she had had a stormy one-sided relationship with. I couldn’t find a decent lyric video, but you can read the words here.
Speaking of vanity, I thought this video was extremely advanced for 1972 technology, so I looked into it further and found out this was a remix video of the original song made in 2010! Carly still looks terrific!

8. “Liar” by Henry Rollins

This song from the late 1990s absolutely nails the evil mindset of the psychopathic malignant narcissist. This video is incredibly well done and powerful, so I didn’t include a lyric video. You probably won’t need one because Rollins’ enunciation is clear as a bell. The singer/actor/activist is not actually narcissistic in the slightest, but he plays the part here incredibly well

9. “Me Myself and I” by de la soul.

A narcissistic r&b/hip hop anthem for the self absorbed. Hip hop in particular seems to be an especially narcissistic music genre. Some of the N attitude in hip hop may not be genuine but a type of posing for effect, but one still wonders.

10. “Set Fire to the Rain” by Adele

Another beautiful song about an abusive relationship with a dishonest, narcissistic man.

Part Two (songs #11 – 20) can be seen in this post: https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/12/20-songs-about-narcissists-part-two-of-two/

Also see: 12 More Songs about Narcissism.

Here’s another ten songs about narcissism I just added to this series: https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/04/22/10-more-songs-about-narcissists/

Why?

I just can’t comprehend the psychopathic mind, no matter how hard I try to understand why they think the way they do.

The world sucks enough as it is. There is already too much suffering, hatred, intolerance and misery on this small sad planet, and precious little joy, peace and love.

Why?

Why would anyone want to walk on the side of evil and darkness? Why would anyone want to see bad things happen to others or cause their suffering and misery? Why would anyone take JOY in another’s suffering? Why would anyone think empathy was a sign of weakness? Or remorse an admission of failure?

Why would anyone want to destroy the small, helpless and vulnerable things of this world, the way the psychopathic bounty hunter does in “Raising Arizona”?

I don’t get it. I will never get it.
And why are there SO MANY OF THEM?
WHY?

“Ten Feet Tall”

I’m not too huge a fan of most current pop music and EDM, but occasionally I hear a song I really like. Having kids in their early 20s does keep me up on current music. I really liked what I heard of the first song used in my son’s dance comp entry, and found out it’s this song called “Ten Feet Tall” by Afrojack and Wrabel. There’s nothing all that unique about the song, but I think it’s very soulful and he has an incredible voice.

Am I that annoying or am I just paranoid?

paranoidmind

There are days I feel like I have to apologize for my existence. Today was one of those days.

The woman I was teamed up with today to clean houses is someone I’m used to working with. We don’t have a whole lot in common, but normally we get along well enough and we work well together. I know what to expect and she doesn’t have to check my work because she knows I know what I’m doing.

She usually drives (because my car is very old and is starting to have transmission problems, which I refuse to worry about right now) which is fine by me, but that also means I’m forced to listen to the music she wants to listen to, which means Christian contemporary music all day, whenever we work together. The music isn’t so bad really, but it can get annoying after a while, when every song played starts to feel like a sermon. Give me some Nirvana, give me some U2, Rolling Stones, or Jimi; hell, even Lady Gaga will do. Or play some damned country. But it ain’t gonna happen, not with her.

Now that it’s the Overhyped Season of Greed and False Cheer again, she’s switched over to one of the pop stations, which plays Christmas music 24/7, starting the day after Thanksgiving. Bleccchhh. While there are a few carols I have nostalgic childhood memories of, as a whole I can’t stand Christmas music. If I hear “Jingle Bell Rock” one more time, I think I’m going to put my head through the dashboard. Especially because she SINGS ALONG to it. That, along with “Little Drummer Boy” are my two least favorite Christmas songs EVER, but for some reason I can’t possibly begin to fathom, they play those two ALL THE TIME. It’s pure torment. Shoot me please.

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So anyway, we get along alright even though we’re never going to be Thelma and Louise together. But today I thought I was getting on her nerves. I have no idea what I did or said, but she wasn’t speaking to me and snapped my head off if I asked her the most innocuous question or even said anything at all. After several hours of this treatment (and being silent right back), I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I had a little hissy fit.

“You haven’t spoken to me all day,” I fired at her. “It’s obvious you’re mad about something. I have no idea what I said to make you act so angry, but whatever it was, I’m sorry.”
I was apologizing for nothing at all really, because as far as I knew, I hadn’t done or said anything wrong, but I just wanted this to be over with. I hate it when people are angry with me, I hate it when I just imagine they are angry with me. Because as an Aspie, I can’t tell the difference.

Still she said nothing. She just harrumphed and kept on working as if I wasn’t there.
I didn’t say another word about it, because I sensed that would annoy her more, but I still felt sulky and wounded so back in the car, I pretended to sleep.
After another hour or so, my work partner suddenly became friendly again. She said she was tired. So that’s all it was, I guess. Another day ruined by my stupid paranoia and hypervigilance.

everyonehatesme

WELL, WHY COULDN’T SHE JUST HAVE SAID SO BEFORE? She KNOWS about my disorder, she KNOWS I can’t read social cues, and she could have at least TOLD me she was tired this morning. That would have prevented hours of interpersonal tension, and my stupid paranoia and babyish hissy fit over nothing could have been avoided. But that’s not how she is.

This sort of thing happens to me so often. If people don’t think I’m stupid, they think I’m annoying. Sometimes they think I’m both. Or at least that’s what I think they think. They probably don’t think that nearly as often as I think they do. But I worry about it.

I have a related problem right now that’s probably just my hypervigilance but I’m not sure, and that uncertainty is what’s driving me crazy.

I have a friend in the narcissistic abuse community, a woman I seem to have a lot in common with. Our backgrounds are so similar it’s downright scary. We started e-mailing each other, but she never replied back to the last email I sent her, which was quite long. It’s been four days and every time I check my inbox, there’s nothing new there from her. After two days of no reply, I sent a friendly reminder asking simply if she got my email. I didn’t want to appear too concerned, but I was.

Another day passed. I emailed her again, asking if she was getting my emails. Maybe they’re going in her spam folder. But that little disapproving, judging voice that lives inside my head and I wish would go away was saying, no, no! It must have been something you said in your last email, something that made her not want to be your friend anymore.

I went back and analyzed my email, trying to pinpoint what it was I must have said to make her avoid me. It could have been anything. Or nothing. I’ve been ruminating over it and worrying myself almost sick over it. Again, why do I care so much? It’s not like I don’t have other friends in this community, other people who read my blog and like what I have to say.

There is probably a perfectly reasonable answer for her silence–maybe she’s been busy, maybe she’s been sick (she does have health issues), maybe she can’t access her email, maybe she’s just lazy about replying to emails (like I can sometimes be). But of course, it’s never the reasonable, mundane, logical explanation I look for; it’s always something terrible and dire, it’s always because of something I did to upset them and make them hate me. It’s always because I’m such an annoying person they want nothing to do with me. My hypervigilance and paranoia is crazymaking and even…well, narcissistic. Why do I torment myself like this? It’s stupid.

nomail

A few people (almost always neurotypicals who don’t get me) have actually told me I’m annoying. No doubt my annoyingness is due to my tendency to interject comments at inappropriate times during my rare pathetic attempts to appear “normal” in social settings–or making some other embarrassing social gaffe due to my high-functioning autism.

I analyze and brood about people’s reactions to me way, WAY too much. I’m hypervigilant and paranoid. Maybe I’m not really coming off as annoying and stupid to others as I believe others think I am. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

I care too much about what people are thinking about me. But why does it even matter? Are these people I want to be best friends with? Do I really want to attend a backyard barbeque at their McMansion with a bunch of their friends and relatives I have nothing in common with except the fact we’re all of the human species? Would I pay any of these people $100 apiece to like me? NO, I WOULD NOT. So why do I CARE so much what others are thinking about me? Why do I care if they think I’m annoying? Or stupid? Or weird? Or fat? Or ugly? Why do I want to be approved of? AM I A FUCKING NARCISSIST?

Probably not, but I was raised by a family of N’s and as the scapegoat, I WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM. I questioned myself and everything I did; it seemed I could do nothing right. I felt awkward and defective even in my own family. My parents were bullies, especially my mother. Later I was bullied at school too, especially in the 3rd – 5th grades. I remember during 4th grade, I was followed home every day by a group of kids who laughed and jeered at the way I walked and imitated my walk, as my tears welled and threatened to overflow (no wonder I hate mimes). The bullies would call out to me and sometimes even throw things to get my attention, but I wouldn’t turn around. I just kept on walking. I knew I couldn’t let them see me cry because that would make everything so much worse.

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Morse, was a psychopath with arms like Jello who always wore sleeveless dresses, so whenever she wrote on the board, all that quivering, pale freckled flab hanging from her bare arm made me want to throw up, but I still couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was mesmerizing in a horrible way, like a car accident.

Mrs. Morse knew how sensitive and scared of everything I was. She knew I was bullied by most of the other kids. But she had no empathy for my plight. She was a sadistic bitch from hell. She deliberately called on me whenever I was daydreaming, which was often (no kids got diagnosed with Aspergers back in those days) and always made me stand in the front of the room and answer a question or solve a math problem. She never did this to the other kids, who were allowed to answer from their seat.

meanteacher

One time I couldn’t solve the math problem on the board (which was my worst subject), and she berated and belittled me in front of the class.
“You never pay attention. You’re always daydreaming. Do you have a mental problem?”
The class laughed.
My tongue was in knots and I felt the blood drain from my face. I felt tears burning the backs of my eyelids like acid.
I swallowed hard and tried with all my might not to let a tear loose but they started to flow anyway. I hung my head in shame and rubbed away the tears with my grubby fists as I turned away toward the wall. My narrow back and bony shoulders heaved with silent sobs.
That was exactly the moment this sadistic malignant narcissist who passed for a teacher was waiting for.
“Look everyone! Lauren is crying! Look at the tears! Cry, cry, cry, baby.”
The class burst into screams and hoots of laughter.
“Cry, baby, cry!”
I stood there in front of the class, staring at the floor, snot mingling with my tears, and longed to melt into those scuffed green-gray linoleum tiles, and never return.
In today’s anti-bullying environment, this “teacher” would have been fired for that shit. She might have even lost her teaching license. That kind of thing isn’t put up with anymore.

Not too many years after this, I stopped being able to cry. I stopped being able to talk to people. I stopped being able to feel much of anything.

I still worry that people won’t like me, even though I’ve learned to hide my sensitivity pretty well. Too well, in fact. It’s hard for me to show my true feelings, but lately I’ve been opening up, getting better at it. I need to start feeling confident enough in myself, that other people’s opinions of me won’t make or break my day.

dontlikeme

My son’s dance competition performance updated

I have updated my post from the other day with a different video (from another angle) that includes the judges’ comments at the end (although they are hard to hear), and the video where the winners are announces (1st – 3rd place in 2 categories).

If anyone’s interested, here’s the link to that post.
https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/my-sons-dance-competition-performance/

Malignant narcissism and the supernatural: a connection?

demon

WARNING: This is a dark and highly disturbing topic for many people. If discussions about evil entities, the demonic or the supernatural bothers you, I suggest not reading this blog post to avoid being triggered.

I’ve discussed the subject of evil and narcissism before, but today a commenter called Truthteller brought up this subject again in the comments section of another blog post (I can’t find his or her blog if they even have one).

A good question.
Truthteller was wondering if disorders like malignant narcissism and/or multiple personality disorder (MPD) have a possible supernatural explanation, such as an evil or alien entity taking up residence inside a person. This commenter suggested that severe abuse during childhood, which can cause both MPD (a splintering of the original personality into two or more subpersonalities) and NPD (dissociative as well because the true self is shut off or obscured by an elaborate system of false personalities or masks) can make the child vulnerable to an outside entity taking up residence within them.

Now before you write me off as a BSC, superstitious, tinfoil hat-wearing, Bible thumping nutcase, let me explain that while I do consider myself a Christian, I am not particularly religious (though I am spiritual) nor have I ever been that superstitious and I’m pretty skeptical about supernatural things. In fact, I think most “supernatural” events probably have a scientific explanation that hasn’t been discovered yet.

For example, imagine a serf living in the year 1100, during the Middle Ages. Now imagine a time traveler from 2014 appears and shows the medieval serf his Smartphone. (Okay, I know time travel isn’t possible right now, if it ever is, but just suspend your disbelief here for a minute).

smartphoneinspace

What would the serf think? Would they understand anything about the technology that went into making that Smartphone? Of course not. They would probably run away screaming that the thing was demonic, a supernatural device from Hell that contained evil spirits. Because that would be the only way they could explain the glowing moving images and words scrolling on a screen. If we see a ghost today, it could actually be a ghost, or it could be a hologram of some sort, a cross-section of a 4 or more-dimensional being, or simply an aggregation of energy concentrated in one place. We really don’t know.

That being said, I also don’t dispute the possibility that there may be evil spirits or even an entity called Satan. No one has proven these entities exist, but no one’s disproven them either. There is at least one respected psychiatrist in the field of NPD and psychopathy (Dr. M. Scott Peck) who believes that certain individuals without empathy or a conscience, who take pleasure in hurting others (today we call them malignant narcissists or psychopaths) are in fact evil.

I absolutely believe there are evil people in the world, but is their evil due to Satan or other malignant entities overtaking their minds at some point (possibly due to a choice they made which I’ll explain later in this post), or is their “evil” simply a manifestation of a badly wired brain dominated by the predatory, reptilian, lower brain instead of the mammalian human brain that has the capacity for love and empathy?

A snake doesn’t care about its fellow snakes or even its offspring. It feels no love. It attacks with no remorse and has no feelings of guilt if its prey dies from its bite. It abandons its young after they’re born to fend for themselves. This is normal behavior for a snake, but a snake isn’t evil because it’s just a reptile, a less evolved creature than we are. If a human acts like a snake though, then that person is evil because we’re supposed to have a brain that has the capacity to feel empathy and love.

snake

MPD vs. NPD.
In the case of the person with MPD, I don’t believe malignant entities have anything to do with their disorder, for several reasons. Although people with MPD appear to be “possessed” by more than one personality, they are really just facets of the same personality. A person with MPD was almost without exception severely abused during early childhood, and to protect the “waking self” from further pain, their original personality shattered into fragments, or subpersonalities of the original.

A good therapist who specializes in MPD can help the patient bring the “personalities” back together, usually by working primarily with the dominant personality, which is usually cooperative and the most mentally healthy of them all. It is also the only one of the personalities that is aware of all the others. One by one, the dominant personality (or sometimes using hypnosis) will “bring out” the other personalities for the therapist to work with. Eventually, through the cooperation of all the personalities, the person can become whole again. While there may be unpleasant or immature personalities, they are not necessarily evil. Another reason I don’t think MPD has anything to do with outside entities is because the person with the disorder wants to get well. They usually seek therapy on their own due to blackouts and other odd things such as doing something and not remembering doing it.

Malignant narcissism and psychopathy is a different story. Although also most likely caused by severe abuse combined with a genetic predisposition, the person is nearly always unaware of their original, true self which has been obscured so deeply by their elaborate layers of masks that it may as well not even exist. It’s very difficult if not impossible to access the true self in a malignant narcissist. It exists but the false self is a lie, and lies are inherently evil. This is why they are the “People of the Lie.”

The genesis of psychopathy.
Why are some people evil and what made them that way? No one really knows. I don’t think in real life there are any “bad seeds” and those we know of are usually fictional characters. Some people probably do possess a gene for the malignant form of narcissism or psychopathy, but even so, with loving parenting that teaches the child right from wrong at an early age, I think most children can still learn to be good people and those lessons will override the genetic predisposition. Perhaps they’ll still be narcissists but of the benign variety instead.

Severely abusing or neglecting a child who already possesses the gene will likely cause that child to become a psychopath or malignant narcissist. At this point in time, there is no known cure once the disorder has become ingrained in the personality. If any treatment is to work, it must be done in early childhood, when the personality is still forming.

Possession and Exorcism.
I don’t think people with these disorders are actually possessed by demons, but if demons or malignant entities exist, these people may be highly influenced by them or walk on the side of darkness. That would explain my MN ex’s fascination with the occult, Satanic symbolism, and his liking for dark music like death metal. Being open to darkness, malignant narcissists and psychopaths are vulnerable to malignant entities taking up residence inside them, and for someone who is already a psychopath, the possession would be total and even exorcism would not work and would probably kill them.

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Non-evil people could be possessed too, usually by dabbling in the occult or the like, but for them, the possession is “imperfect,” according to M. Scott Peck. Because the entity isn’t aligned perfectly with the person’s soul, there is still good in the person and when an exorcism is performed, the good can overcome the evil entity (with God’s help). An exorcism performed on an imperfectly possessed, non-evil individual is more likely to be successful than it would be on a psychopath whose possession, if it exists at all, would be total.

M. Scott Peck also believes that exorcism does not have to be done by a priest or minister. It can be successfully performed by a psychiatrist or psychologist who is well trained in the ritual, and at the same time has a strong faith in God.

How a good person can become evil.
I mentioned earlier the concept of choice. I think there are some people who are predisposed genetically to psychopathy and aren’t necessarily evil, but there comes a turning point during which they choose darkness over light. This is usually a decision they make, a “deal with the devil” so to speak. This is the point at which they can cross the line over into evil and once they do so, there is no turning back.

I’ve used this example before, but I’ll use it again because it’s such a good one. In “People of the Lie,” Peck talks about a man who was in all respects a good man, a family man who loved his wife and children. But the man had a terrible problem: he suffered from severe panic attacks when crossing a certain bridge on his way home from work every day. The panic attacks were so debilitating that the man, even though he didn’t believe in the devil, made a deal with the devil anyway. He told the devil that if he could get over the bridge without suffering a panic attack, then he would allow the devil to allow something to happen to his beloved son.

Nothing happened to the man’s son, but the man felt terribly guilty about making such a deal, even though he still didn’t believe the devil existed, so he confessed his sin to Dr. Peck. It was explained to the man that he did the right thing; if he hadn’t felt remorse over making such a deal, even though he didn’t believe in the devil, that he would have crossed the line over into evil.

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The same thing happens during war when soldiers are forced to kill innocent people and commit other acts of atrocity that go against their morals. Those who aren’t predisposed to psychopathy and are forced to undertake such evil actions, suffer from PTSD and can even experience a psychotic break. However, there are veterans who, already predisposed to psychopathy, became evil after committing such acts during wartime. They return from war seeming to have lost any empathy or ability to love they once had. Here too, a line was crossed, even if it was not really their own choice. Once that line is crossed the person can never return to goodness because they have, in effect, “sold their soul,” and possibly been possessed by malignant outside entities who make sure they keep walking on the side of darkness.

It’s in their eyes.
I have noticed something odd in the eyes of malignant narcissists. The first time I saw it was when I was about five or six, when my mother flew into a narcissistic rage over something or other, probably my acting “spooky” (withdrawn and lost in my Aspie world) which seemed to enrage her more than anything else. When I looked into her face, I noticed with horror that her eyes were solid black like the eyes of aliens or demons, and her sneer was so full of pure hate that I had nightmares for weeks. I remember having dreams about this demon-mother, and waking up screaming. She’d rush into the room and it was like waking up from one nightmare into another, an inescapable loop of nightmares I couldn’t awaken from, because all I could see even when awake were those solid black eyes and hateful sneer. Even when she was smiling or hugging me. This lasted for several months, but I knew then what she was, and I also knew that she knew I knew. And that made her hate me even more.

Evil black female zombie eyes.

I saw the same black eyes once when my MN ex was in one of his narcissistic drunken rages.
Also, I have seen actual people who have very opaque, cold and hard eyes without a hint of humanity or warmth in them. Here is a photo of a person I do not know but her face is one of the most frightening I’ve ever seen and it’s because of those eyes. I have no doubt this woman is as evil as she looks. I sure wouldn’t want to meet her in person!

unknownwoman

My father (a low spectrum but weak and benign narcissist who is not insane or deluded) told me about the time he spoke to Michael (who I was still married to at the time) on the phone and noticed his voice sounded different. The way he explained it, it was gutteral and inhuman like a demon’s voice. I never heard this voice myself, but on a visceral, gut level I believed my father was telling me the truth. I was spooked out of my mind.

After the divorce my father sent me a copy of “People of the Lie.” He told me he never believed in the devil or evil people until he read this book and realized it described my ex to a tee. Funny that he didn’t recognize my mother in that book, because she’s even more malignant than my ex. But he’s an enabler when it comes to MN women, and always seems to be in thrall to them. But that book changed my life because after reading it I finally recognized both my ex and my mother for what they actually were, and that was the catalyst that led to No Contact.

A person I know in the narcissistic abuse community says that the soul of a malignant narcissist or psychopath has been seared. I think that’s a very good description of what has happened to them. Can a seared soul be saved? I have no clue…

In conclusion, let me remind you that I’m not a tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist or a Bible-thumping fundamentalist nutcase. I have no proof that any of this is valid (unless you count the opaque black eyes I’ve saw in both my mother and ex). But because a supernatural component hasn’t been disproven either, there’s a possibility that much more is involved in psychopathic behavior and malignant narcissism than mere mental illness or a brain dysfunction. Some of this even makes sense on a gut instinct level. In any case, Truthteller raised an interesting issue and I wanted to explore it further even if you think it’s nuttier than a Payday bar.

Please share your thoughts.

Spam.

spam

I noticed something since yesterday. I’m not getting much spam anymore. Since about October, my spam count was increasing; on some days I’d have as many as 50-60 spam messages in my spam folder. Yesterday I had just 4; today only one. Weird. I know it’s a good thing I’m not getting as much spam, but I’m curious as to why. Has anyone else noticed they haven’t been getting as much spam? Most of mine were about SEO or Uggs boots or other clothing and accessories. They contain fake messages meant to fool you, like “I’m really enjoying your blog.” Most likely these messages are “written” by bots, not real people.

If you don’t have Akismet spam blocker, you should definitely add it to your blog. You can find it in the dashboard, and it’s a fantastic service that saves you a LOT of time and aggravation. You can opt for spam to be automatically deleted where you never see it, but I prefer the option of it being put in the spam folder, where I can look at it because occasionally a message that isn’t spam goes in there. All you have to do then is “unspam” it and it goes in your comments folder which you can approve or not, as with any other comment.