Where I stand on “positive thinking.”

Posted on July 18, 2015 by luckyotter

Positive thinking taken to extremes is deluded thinking.

I’ve seen several blog posts about the problem of forced positive thinking lately, and since this is an issue that has concerned me for a long time, I thought I’d add my own take on it.

In recent years, there’s been an increased societal pressure toward “positive thinking.” I think two factors have led to this trend–the New Age philosophy that we can “be as gods ourselves,” and the continued glorification of the Reaganistic optimism of the 1980s. The signs are everywhere, in self-help and pop psychology books, in countless popular slogans and memes that appear on bumper stickers and coffee mugs, on motivational posters, on calendars, on the political campaign trail, and all over social media such as Facebook. The forced positive thinking brigade has even infiltrated churches. Motivational speakers like Tony Robbins and preachers of the “Prosperity Gospel” like Joel Osteen have gotten rich by telling us that if we only think positive thoughts, our entire lives will change for the better. They tell us if we let go of negative thought patterns, we can become happy, successful, healthy, and wealthy.

This is all fine and good, and personally I see nothing wrong with positive thinking for its own sake. Even if the outer trappings of your life rival those of someone living in a Third World nation, it’s certainly better for you if you can scare up a little optimism and hopefulness, and it’s definitely bad for you to dwell in hopelessness, depression and negativity. At the very least, seeing the glass as always half-full will make you more accepting of your sorry lot and therefore happier. That said, it’s incredibly difficult to see the glass as half full when there is barely a drop in your glass. That would be deluded, not positive, thinking.

For all its advantages to our psychological well-being, there’s a dark side to the positive thinking movement too, which goes hand in hand with the current societal glorification of narcissism and the nasty belief that selfishness and lack of compassion are virtues. While telling people that thinking positive thoughts is not a bad thing itself (because there is truth to the idea that negativity tends to draw in negative things–I have seen this dynamic for myself), the positive thinking movement has been taken to disturbing extremes. It’s led to victim-blaming and an overall lack of empathy for the less fortunate. The poor are blamed for their own poverty, regardless of the circumstances that might have led to it or keep them trapped there. They are told they are “not positive enough” or “made bad choices.” Even worse, some churches of the “prosperity gospel” ilk tell them they must have some moral failing or God would be rewarding them with material blessings. They are made to feel shame and guilt for their sorry financial condition. The chronically ill and disabled are likewise blamed for “not taking care of themselves” or “choosing bad habits.” It’s easy enough for someone who has never had to struggle with poverty or serious illness to thumb their noses at those who have and tell them it’s all their own fault.

Is this the way Jesus would have acted? No, of course it isn’t. In fact, most of Jesus’ followers and disciples were the most financially and physically vulnerable members of his society. Jesus himself was humble carpenter and certainly not rich. He didn’t condemn these unfortunates or shame them for failing to be positive enough, or making the “wrong choices.” In fact, he seemed to love these vulnerable people most of all. Whatever happened to the “social gospel” of the late 19th and early 20th century? Oh, that’s right–it became “communism.” Somewhere along the way, compassion for the less fortunate and the culture of charity got twisted into “weakness” and “enabling.” The enormous popularity of Ayn Rand, who believed the greatest human evil was altruism, is disturbing, especially since her philosophy of “objectivism” has infected the minds of powerful politicians of a certain political persuasion, including many “Christians.”

While I don’t subscribe to some Christian fundamentalists’ idea that Satan is behind all this worship of greed and self-love and the denigration and victim-blaming of the less fortunate, I do think it’s a very destructive turn in the way our culture thinks, and it’s psychopathic in nature. Lately I’ve been seeing more blog articles criticizing this trend, and that seems like a good sign that at least a few people (usually victims of narcissistic abuse themselves) are finally realizing our society has become woefully empathy-deprived. Hopefully their message can break out of the blogosphere it’s currently confined to and begin to touch the hearts of The Powers That Be who are not yet completely brainwashed by the Cult of John Galt.

It’s absolutely fine (and desirable) to be a positive thinker, because positive thinking does tend to have its rewards, but blaming the misfortunes of others on their negative thinking or worse, their moral failings is just a form of societal gaslighting and is utterly evil itself. It’s also rife with hypocrisy– the Positive Thinking Powers That Be denigrate the emotions of guilt and shame for themselves, but they make sure those who haven’t been blessed the way they have feel plenty of guilt and shame for not having been “enough.” They never stop to think how impossible it is for someone who is struggling every day just to have enough to eat or with severe pain or illness to think in a positive way. It’s much easier for the already privileged and healthy to be able to say “life is good” and mean it. The well heeled Positive Thinking bots never stop to think of this–or they just don’t care, which is most likely the case, because those who haven’t been “blessed” with wealth or good health MUST have done something wrong to deserve it.

Any society that is empathy-starved is eventually going to self destruct.

For further reading, check out this article from The New York Times and also this one about empathy being a choice.

Narcissists use political correctness to control.

Posted on June 2, 2015 by luckyotter

Political correctness has never been more in vogue than it is right now, and our society has also never been more narcissistic than it is right now. As Americans, we worship narcissistic celebrities, narcissistic politicans, narcissistic sports stars, and narcissistic CEOs. And the more narcissistic they are, the higher a pedestal we seem to place them on. It’s all about the clothes, the glitz, the glamour, the money, the bling, the presentation, the package, the trappings of success. Even many of the poor don’t vote for the soft-spoken candidate who will increase the minimum wage and food stamps or provide job training; no, instead they vote for the garrulous, rich CEO who bails out the banks instead of the homeless. Why? Because the overbearing, rich CEO is perceived as being on the winning team, and they want to be on the winning team too.

As a nation, we are so deluded. We live in a big dysfunctional family, with the narcissistic “parents” running the government and the corporations, and held up as role models, while the vulnerable–the homeless, the poor, the sick, the old, and the disabled–are held responsible for their own lot, and told they are to blame for it, even if their circumstances are completely beyond their control, which they usually are. The vulnerable in our society are the scapegoat children that everyone has permission to kick when they’re already down, because the narcissistic Powers That Be tell them it’s okay. We live in a seriously empathy-deprived society.

It’s a huge irony that at the same time we worship the material over the spiritual, the rich and callous over the poor and kind, the corporation over the individual, the aggressive and ruthless over the empathetic and cooperative, that we insist on something called “political correctness.” This ties in closely with a concept we call “zero tolerance.” It’s gotten so extreme that if we tap our child on the rear-end in Wal-Mart, we could be charged with child abuse. If a young boy draws a picture of a gun, they could go to jail. Not long ago, there was a case of an autistic ten year old who was accused of making terrorist threats because he wrote “bone thrat” on a wall.

We have euphemisms for everything. We have to watch everything we say for fear of offending some or another group of people. Political correctness, we are told, exists so we don’t hurt someone’s feelings or insult a group of people, whether they be of a certain nationality, race, have a particular disability or mental illness, or sexual preference. But I don’t think that’s the real reason for political correctness. I think the real reason is control. If we have to watch everything we say and walk around on eggshells for fear of offending someone, then we become anxious and fearful. That’s the way the narcissistic Powers That Be want us: scared to death and easily controlled. Zero tolerance is another way they can control us.

The same is true on the personal level too. When I think of most of the narcissists I know, almost every one of them insists on political correctness in some form or another. They make sure you always say the right thing at the right time. They are constantly warning you that you could insult someone if you don’t (as if they care). If I call someone “mentally retarded,” not meaning any harm by it, but just using that phrase because it’s the one I’m used to and the one I was raised with, a narcissist will rudely interrupt and tell me I should have used “cognitively challenged” instead. I can be talking about Cherokee Indians, and the narcissist will interrupt and say I should have said “Cherokee Native Americans,” even though that phrase is awkward as hell. I can’t talk about someone being “fat,” I have to use “larger framed person” or something equally ridiculous-sounding. If it’s a female narcissist with feminist leanings I’m talking to, I can’t use the word “girl” for a young woman without getting chastised, even though “girl” is a lot easier to say than “young woman.” Most everyone knows I don’t say “girl” to diminish the female gender or somehow compare her unfavorably with men, it’s just easier and sounds less awkward. I’m used to it. But the narcissist will interrupt and tell me that I was insulting my own gender my using that word. Hell, you can’t even say “Merry Christmas” anymore. You see, it’s all about the package, the presentation, the image: the narcissist is not listening to the message behind my words or really hearing a word of what I’m saying; they are using my choice of words to diminish and instill in me a sense of shame. They do this to instill fear so they can thereby exert control over you.

But they don’t practice what they preach. Narcissists aren’t politically correct themselves. Being PC doesn’t apply to them. They talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They’re allowed to say the most hurtful and insulting and diminishing things to everyone else–you are fat, a cow, a pig, crazy, stupid, insane, a bitch, a whore, and so on. If the target of these slurs objects they are chastised for that: “Take responsibility for your own feelings” or “stop being so sensitive.” They take no responsibility for their own hurtful words and actions.

Narcissists have no empathy so when they tell you to be “PC” to avoid hurting someone, do you think they really care? Of course they don’t. When they tell you to be “PC” what they are really saying is “use the words I tell you to use so I can make you fear my wrath so I can exert control over you like the spineless puppet I have designated you to be.”

Why is narcissism so “hot” these days?

Posted on February 15, 2015 by luckyotter

I haven’t seen any official studies or statistics, but it seems like narcissism is possibly the most popular psychological topic on the Internet in recent years. Blogs about narcissism are spreading like wildfire (though it’s possible they may be on the decline now). The subject of narcissism seems to be brought up regularly even in articles and sites about other topics, especially entertainment, big business, and politics, where narcissism is rampant. Narcissism is a buzz word, and it’s because we children of the Baby Boomers and Silent Generation–parents who bought into narcissistic values way back in the 1960s and 1970s–are finally having our say.

In a society-wide twist of values, Narcissism has become a virtue. Old fashioned virtues like altruism and empathy are seen as liabilities that hold people back from achieving success, rather than prosocial traits that keep us civilized and human. Ayn Rand, who idealized narcissism in her philsophy of “objectivism” (and was most likely a narcissist herself) has become a cult hero; her mediocre torch romances “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead,” both featuring selfish, narcissistic “heroes” as their protagonists, have been enjoying enormous popularity.

Ayn Rand.

I believe all this started in the 1960s and 1970s, during the Consciousness Revolution. Certainly the 1950s were mind numbingly conformist and rife with racism and sexism, but things went way too far in the other direction, as Baby Boomers and younger members of the Silent generation began to rebel against all the conformity. They popularized the idea of “doing your own thing,” whatever that thing was. Having and raising children became something to be avoided and any woman with a brain avoided pregnancy as if it were a disease. Abortion and The Pill became legal–and cool. Of course there’s nothing wrong with women having control over when and whether to have children, but I think the general attitude toward children in the 1960s and 1970s was negative. Young Gen X children were not wanted or valued. They were demonized in movies like “The Omen,” “Rosemary’s Baby” and “The Exorcist.” I remember an Esquire article from March 1974, “Do Americans Suddenly Hate Kids?” Well, it did seem that way.

Their parents, the Boomers and Silents, were encouraged to put their own self-growth and advancement of their careers ahead of child-rearing. At the time, this was even thought of as “good” for children, providing them with a positive example of a parent with a high self image and lists of achievements a mile long. Unfortunately, for many children growing up during this time, the attitude that adults were more valuable than children backfired and we felt like we just weren’t that important in our parents’ universe. We grew up with collective low self esteem.

Hippie parents.

The 1970s were dubbed “The Me Decade” and adults were encouraged to do and be whatever they wanted, even if this meant neglecting their own children and turning them into latchkey kids with far too much freedom for their own good. Promiscuous sexual behavior and drug abuse among adults was rampant. Women everywhere (including my own) joined consciousness-raising groups that encouraged them to put themselves over their families. The fallout rained down on the lives of their Generation X and Gen-Jones (late Boomers born at the end of the 1950s and early 1960s) children, and we suddenly found we had to fend for ourselves, without much parental support, even when our parents were not narcissists.

While attitudes toward children improved during the 1980s as Millennial children began to be born, the Boomers and younger Silents who had spearheaded the Consciousness Revolution and Me Generation, were suddenly in positions of authority in politics, business and entertainment. We had Ronald Reagan, with his “trickle down economics” and support of the “supply side” and big business over the people. Tax cuts for social programs commenced with his election and increased over the next 30 years (and show no sign of letting up). Reagan was popular and charismatic, and so were his draconian economic policies that hurt the poor and later, the middle class. New college graduates during the 1980s and 1990s realized they could make unlimited amounts of money in the stock market and suddenly the “helping professions” were unpopular and considered far less lucrative than making a killing on the stock market or in investment banking. These became the infamous “having it ALL” Yuppies.

Yuppies were better parents than their hippie predecessors, but they micromanaged everything their children did, to the point the kids became stressed because they weren’t free to just be kids. These overcontrolled children were sent to the best private schools, given lessons in everything from piano to karate, and had no free time to just play and learn on their own. Millennials grew up stressed out and expecting to achieve in life, only to find when they first entered the job market during the 2000’s, they could not find decent jobs.

Yuppie mom.

Narcissism continues to be a “virtue” and our policies increasingly glorify the self and unlimited financial achievement over humble, old fashioned values of community and compassion. Children who were born or who were children or teens during the 1960s and 1970s are now adults, the oldest of us now in our 50s. I’ve noticed most blogs by ACONs seem to be written by women in their 40s and 50s: these are the Generation X and late Boom/Generation Jones children who suffered the most at the hands of parents who bought into the selfish ’70s and greedy ’80s. Even back in those days, the shift of narcissism from a vice to a virtue was not unnoticed. In 1979, cultural historian Christopher Lasch wrote his treatise “The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations,” about the danger of narcissistic values for American society. His book remains popular today.

We may be a bunch of middle aged fuddy duddies, but we’re no longer scared and we are not shutting up. We call out everything we see wrong with the culture we were raised in, a culture that has become just as unhealthy for our own Millennial children. We were the scapegoats of a society that didn’t value us, and now we are the truth-tellers who are boldly talking about everything that was done to us, everything that went wrong and why. It was us who spearheaded the ACON movement (and yes, it is a movement) and are bringing narcissism out into the light where it can be seen for the disgusting and ugly scourge on humanity it really is. We are doing our best to nurture our own children according to more humble, old fashioned values, although that’s hard in a society that still only values personal gain and material wealth, and still tries to keep us down.

Zero tolerance has gone too far.

Posted on February 11, 2015 by luckyotter

Zero tolerance has gone way too far, when a 9 year old Georgia boy with autism writes “bone thrat” on the wall and is charged by police with making a felony terrorist threat. This actually happened a few days ago:

http://www.infowars.com/police-charge-9-year-old-autistic-boy-with-terroristic-bomb-threat/

I’m getting to the point of having zero tolerance for zero tolerance. Between this and “political correctness,” it seems people have no right to free speech anymore. Whatever happened to the first amendment?

Silencing is a major way narcissists gain control, and Americans are living in an increasingly narcissistic society. All this zero tolerance/political correctness BS is The Narcissistic Powers That Be showing its paranoia and exercising control over the rest of us peons.

The Social Rules I Break

Posted on January 13, 2015 by luckyotter

Fivehundredpoundpeep’s blog is so wonderful I wish I could reblog everything she writes, but this one really stood out to me, and being that tonight I just don’t feel like writing much, this will stand in for an original article (which I may do later anyway if I have time).

This article is about how this narcissistic abuse survivor (one who had truly evil parents, even worse than my mother) copes as an Aspie living in our shallow, narcissistic, materialistic society that seems to have no respect anymore for the things in life that really matter. We live in a world that expects us to wear a fake smile and pretend everything is la-de-da even when it ain’t so. Go ahead and break their dumb rules, Peep! They deserve to be broken.

The Social Rules I Break!

1. Never talk about anything too negative or intense or intellectual.

Aspies cope by analyzing things, this means fully facing reality and dealing with the way life really is. Smiling stoicism is not our natural setting. It is our suck it up and avoid getting beaten up default setting among strangers. It’s hard. Why are things like this? Sometimes the human world seems like it is run like the animal world, and if any individual exhibits any weakness, they are pecked to death like in the chicken world.

One thing I notice some neurotypicals get into, is that one is never to share or display pain or vulnerability. Maybe there is the good reason for that for self protection from narcs but it helps the narcissists rule, because no one has the ability to talk about anything real. Sometimes, I feel like I have to censor myself constantly around some neurotypicals. One thing about our society is the powers that be want the serfs to smile and not cause trouble. Don’t help them out. No one is feeling their feelings. No one’s crying and patting heads in the American Hunger Games.

There is some scary stuff happening in our society where talking about troubles means you are a bad person. New philosophies are teaching people that anyone who has bad things happen to them is at fault. The Bible admits that life is full of tribulation. The graveyard whistlers don’t want to admit that poverty or bad things can happen to them so they want you to shut up so they can shut their eyes to the human pain around them and play their video games or live in fantasy. A lot of our world now is manufactured around Roman “bread and circuses” and well, no one is supposed to be bawling their eyes out in the circus or discussing the stampeding barbarians outside of the tent.

You are to keep the smile on at all times. I can see emotions becoming a thing of a past in our growing narcissistic world. All emotions but anger and glee will be canceled out. Watch an old movie sometime and notice a few people cry in there, or feel loss. Men of the 1950s have no problem speaking of romantic love. People cry. You will know that the emotional landscape has been extremely altered even since the 1980s. Us Aspies are outsiders and are viewing this stuff. An old Aspies sees these wide changes, while many within the heating up pot are clueless.

Aspies are being really oppressed by the appearances oriented society we have now, where we are told to hide any bad stuff. However it goes deeper then this, there is a severe anti-intellectualism now in our culture. If you are an intellectual in America, you are written off as a “nerd”. I remember this started sometime around the 1980s with the “Revenge of the Nerds”. Only weirdos and social ingrates sit around and talk about history or obesity conspiracy. While I can explore theories and topics with many Aspie friends and maybe one or two good-minded neurotypicals, the majority of neurotypicals seem angered by intellectual forays. You can even avoid religious and other topics and discuss a neutral one, and still manage to anger a few people without meaning too. One Aspie incredible joy is intellectual banter and discovery, so it gets very sad that around some neurotypicals, this joyful part of our personality is to be suppressed. I know among my family, discussing any intellectual endeavors fell flat. The most neutral thing pissed them off. They seemed bored, wanting to show something off instead.

I want to dive deep into the ocean, while many neurotypicals are telling me to stay in the puddle, and splash. Am I too intense? Maybe. I like humor, jokes and funny movies like anyone else, but I feel so repressed at times. Often in the world, I am this very quiet person. I learned long ago opening my mouth got me in trouble more often then not. Sometimes I bounce between “just being me and letting the chips fall where they may” and running back to the corner to hide. I can’t handle having endless enemies and fighting endless battles. I like blogging because I can talk about things openly.

2. Maintain your Status.

Status is too important to to many out there. I don’t feel like playing the king or queen of the mountain games. If I had money, all of you know, I would not going to spend it on a giant McMansion in the suburbs with a double sink and granite counters in the kitchen. Boring! Aspies usually are bored to death via competition. It bores us or troubles us. We derive no joy from smashed up opponents on the ballfield. I never wanted to destroy anyone else to get their bennies or climb to the top. Status to me seemed a useless thing but it is so important in our world. Sometimes I have told Asperger friends my theory that a lot [not all] of neurotypicals operate according to status. Many of their mental and emotional battles are hierarchy maneuvers that a great deal of energy is dedicated to.

Whose on top? Whose on bottom? Who cares! Sadly here too, with our growing narcissistic society this has only grown worse. The narcissists want to be in charge and want control. One thing that will happen to Aspies is sometimes they will get thrown under the bus, because they may be a threat to someone’s status. Every little Aspie remembers the people in school who would be nice to you in private but pick on you in front of the bullies. Going back to the pecking chickens again, group status and dynamics have some really poison attributes to them. This is how conformity is demanded and expected and any “stand-outs” smashed down with a hammer.

Our entire world world is based on status, and well this is one reason some Aspies may really suffer. While we want to be left alone in peace and just want to do our jobs in the work place, this doesn’t happen. The games and drama to establish the social order and status seem never ending. I always had the thought before, if all these narc and social pecking order games were ended, that society could advance somewhere more decent. You would have your flying cars and cured diseases because Marge and Sally and George and Henry would be busier working and innovating rather then fighting, backstabbing and reporting each other to the boss.

There is always someone who is going to have a higher grade point or or more money. Aspies are more loner types. We do not feel like playing the “Big Cheese” or selling ourselves. Perhaps this is a bad thing and why too many Aspies who lack sellable savant or computer skills, end up broke. The world sometimes feels like a bunch of screaming matches where the narcs are on the stage screaming “Look at me, dammit!”, the non-narc enablers in the audience and some of us decided to leave the theatre while being sick of it all. A lot of status seeking is empty to the Christian and those with a more spiritual mind-set, but as I look out in the world, that is what so much of it is about.

3. Conform in dress, opinion and thought.

I’m failing that one big time. As I age, I realize there are many people who simply aren’t going to like me for the opinions I hold. There are times in life where I have found out someone has flat out hated my guts. These are people I never had one argument or debate with in my entire life. How did this happen? They hate me because I’m different.

Surprise, Surprise! Us Aspies can offend some neurotypicals just by just being ALIVE! If you are Aspie trust me it will happen. I know I’m not politically correct, and everyone’s cup of tea, but one thing Aspies have to develop is a thick skin, especially if you are going to fly all your weirdo flags. People either love you or hate you when you are an Aspie. There are many times where I am simply hated for breaking some social rule I don’t know about. I try to be nice, so wasn’t rude to anyone. Sometimes just being me is enough to make this happen. Sometimes it is because I simply do not conform.

I have noticed too many people’s opinions all match now. There are the independent thinkers who don’t fit in the Republican or Democratic box, but have you noticed over the last 30 years people started to match their official demographics. I’ve had people get mad at me for things they thought I believed based on demographical assumptions.

Don’t get me started on dress. I noticed someone wrote that manufacturers had streamlined the clothes for the global market, and that is why fashion creativity for the average person died on the alter of expediency. I’m old enough to remember different styles and colors and patterns. People get mad sometimes now if you don’t dress like them. If you see a person with an individual style, don’t lose them, it means something today.

The herd expects too much conformity now. You think the 1950s were the conformity society, they couldn’t beat the 2010s. While they advertised fake freedom and “choices” for the masses via entertainment, actually the screws got tightened down more.

There is a reason weird Uncle Charlie or Aunt Lucy could still get some kind of job 50 years ago but sit unemployed now. There’s a reason it feels so hard to make friends. I get this complaint from non-Aspies. There’s a reason going to work at the office feels like a session of mental gladiators and a back-stab fest. Something is really wrong. The cultural rules have grown tighter and tighter and life I would say has gotten tough for the Aspie in this way, even if there is more discussion of disability rights and cultural awareness on the surface level.

What If Conservatives Actually Followed The Teachings of Jesus?

Posted on January 4, 2015 by luckyotter

There’s not much more I can add here that hasn’t already been said by this blogger. Most conservatives in America are following a god of greed and narcissistic values instead of the charitable and compassionate teachings of Jesus Christ, who himself would be one of the “47%” if he were walking on the earth today. He would be told to “go get a job” and accused of “socialism.” FWIW, why is capitalism better than socialism anyway? Unbridled capitalism has caused untold misery and is on the brink of turning America into a Third World nation. Socialism isn’t communism. America was more socialist until the 1980s when Reagan’s “trickle down economics” caught on like wildfire and has gotten completely out of control with its celebration of narcissism, greed, hatred and intolerance toward those who are not white, fundamentalist Christian, conservative, straight and male.

Apologies to any conservatives who are reading this–these are just my opinions. I know there are many good conservatives who believe the lies they are being told by our leaders, sometimes in the name of Christianity.

I’m proud to be the “L” word.

Poverty in America is getting worse

Posted on December 26, 2014 by luckyotter

This article describes the way America’s attitude of narcissism is destroying it and insidiously transforming it into a Third World country. Like an apple rotting rotting from the inside, America is a shell of what it once was. We live in a nation where narcissistic values are glorified and even thought of as virtues (“Greed is Good”) and those of empathy and compassion are “weaknesses.” People who are poor “deserve” to to be poor because of their “bad choices.”

It’s not lost on me how often victims of narcissistic abuse become poor as adults due to their dismally low self esteem and having been sent into life without the tools for success others are given by their families while still young. They are programmed to fail.

Narcissism doesn’t just destroy individuals and families, it destroys entire nations.

http://www.globalresearch.ca/christmas-in-america-growing-poverty-unemployment-and-homelessness-in-the-worlds-richest-country/5421511

I can’t repost the article, but you can click on the link.

Are Millennials really the most narcissistic generation ever?

Posted on December 6, 2014 by luckyotter

Hipster Millennial with all his high tech stuff.

“The National Institutes of Health found that for people in their 20s, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is three times as high than the generation that’s 65 or older…”

–TIME Magazine

Millennials have been loaded with negative stereotypes: lazy, entitled, or what seems to be the media favorite, narcissistic. A recent Time magazine article managed to fit all three adjectives into one title in the cover-story, “The Me Me Me Generation: Millennials are lazy, entitled narcissists who still live with their parents.” Ouch.

— Rachel Gall, So-Called Millennial.com

The burning question of whether the much-debated Millennial Generation (people born between about 1981 and 2004,according to William Strauss and Neil Howe’s generational theory, which is based on historical cycles, and uses a set of dates I prefer to the more popular dates used in mass media that refer to anyone born from 1976 to 1991 or so as “Generation Y”) are entitled, narcissistic spoiled brats continues to be a popular and controversial topic.

Like every youth generation ever since the Baby Boomers started thumbing their noses at The Establishment’s stultifying conformity back in the ’60s with their pot, patchouli, and peace signs, when the media first discovered the coming of age Millennials about a decade ago, its initial reaction was one of disdain and dismissal–it was immediately assumed that all Millennials were spoiled, indulged narcissists who cared about no one but themselves, their iPhones and iPods, and having the best looking and coolest MySpace or Facebook profile.

“[you are] so self-obsessed. Tweeting your Vines, hashtagging your Spotifys, and Snapchatting your YOLOS.” Our social media feeds are being filled with our favorite subjects: Me, Me, and Me……“Us Baby Boomers are very upset, because self-absorption is kinda our thing.”

–comedian Stephen Colbert

But recently, writers and bloggers all over the web and in the news are beginning to question the validity of the narcissistic Millennial stereotype. Two fairly recent articles–from opposite sides of the political spectrum, no less: Are Millennials Deluded Narcissists (Forbes Magazine) and The Persistent Myth of the Narcissistic Millennial (The Atlantic Monthly), both defend Millennials and offered reasons why they may not be all that narcissistic, or at least why any narcissism they do have should be blamed on other things like the narcissistic, materialistic, and individualistic society they grew up in, a society that keeps up with the Joneses (or the Kardashians) and thinks greed is good. There are many other articles and news pieces that have been making the same arguments. New York Magazine posted this insightful article, completely disputing the idea that Millennials are no-good narcissistic Red Bull-guzzling basement dwellers taking advantage of their parents’ generosity.

Even when they still have the N label pinned to them, at least the accusers are placing the blame on things like the economy, lack of decent jobs, the extortionist prices of higher education and decent health care, and the astronomical amounts of money Millennial college grads owe for student loans that were supposed to make it possible for them to earn the kind of money to be able to pay back the loan and become productive middle class citizens. But instead, being in debt to Sally Mae in a stagnating economic environment burdened this disappointed and angry generation of unemployed and underemployed young people–20-somethings with college or even graduate degrees–with having to take low-paying McJobs or put up with the cold and factory-like environment of call centers (but which pay far less and offer fewer benefits than factory work, whose workers at least had the unions on their side). Then, to add insult to injury, those McJobs pay such dismally low wages there’s little or no hope of ever being able to pay back the loans they hoped would give them a foot in the door to a successful life, or even allow them to move out of their childhood home.

Most Millennials, unless they are very lucky, very talented and manage to procure the right connections and contacts, find at some point they will probably default on their student loans, which in turn earn them the accusation from conservative foghorns like Fox News, that they are entitled takers and moochers, feeding shamelessly off the government teat and living, Morlock-like, in the damp dark caverns of mom and dad’s basement, growing fat and pasty as they play with their collection of high tech gadgets that enable them to become an Internet star if the video or meme they just made goes viral.

In fact, going viral on the interwebs may be the most sure way a Millennial can ever become successful in our current sick and unstable economy and general diminishing quality of life for all but the very rich. Millennials are being forced to sink or swim in a society that has become increasingly compassionless and narcissism-glorifying. So they’re finding their own well of hope and opportunity, and that well seems to spring from social media, Youtube and reality TV.

Don’t knock it. Going viral by sheer luck and the fortuitous timing of a Youtube video is basically what happened to Justin Beiber; crime victim and folk hero Antoine Dodson, whose impassioned and unintentially hilarious rant on a local news station was transformed into a huge iTunes hit and made him an overnight star; and many other Millennial pop stars. Probably the biggest success story of all is that of Mark Zuckerburg, the multibillionaire twentysomething founder and CEO of Facebook, which he started in his spare time as an ingenious way to chat online to his college buddies from his dorm room at Harvard.

Millennials Dodson and Zuckerburg both became successful through viral spread via social media on the Internet.

If you have a halfway decent voice, you can win a record deal or at least a little temporary fame by auditioning for reality/game shows like The Voice, America Has Talent, or American Idol. Hey, you could be the next Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood! If you can cook (and can tolerate the constant narcissistic rants of the cooking shows’ mean hosts such as Gordon Ramsey from Hell’s Kitchen and Master Chef), well you can win your own restaurant and become rich.

What if you have no talents at all? No problem. You can still get on a reality show, even if you’re a teen mom who never graduated from high school, or a bitchy girl who likes to get into catfights with other bitchy girls. You can get rich just by acting like a jerk on TV, or doing nothing at all. And let’s be honest here: that sure beats working in Wal-Mart’s underwear department and not being able to pay your rent because your student loan debt exceeds what you earn in your dead end job. Who wouldn’t do it? Reality shows may be dumb and glorify stupidity and bad behavior, but we can blame their popularity on the uncertainty of the hope of gainful employment obtained in more traditional, socially acceptable ways.

So what generation wins the title of Most Narcissistic Generation Ever?

Personally, I would give that dubious honor to the Boomers (born from 1943-1960 according to Strauss and Howe; the popular media range is 1946-1964), the pig-in-a-python generation that pretty much turned the conformist, narrow minded, and yet community oriented and moderately altruistic Pax Americana of the post-war years into the self-worshipping, narcissistic, greedy, materialistic, hedonistic, glory mongering morass of misery and despair it has become since Reagan’s trickle down economics became sanctioned as a way to piss (trickle down) on the poor; since Rush Limbaugh’s ugly epithets toward everyone who wasn’t white, conservative, Christian, heterosexual and male became widely accepted as sound advice; since G.W. Bush gave us permission to “Go shopping!” after the 9/11 disaster and its shortlived mood of national solidarity after the attacks.

Millennials didn’t create or want this narcissistic, selfish society. They were born and raised during a time of economic uncertainty, philandering presidents whose actions became widely discussed, 24/7 coverage of heroes-turned-villains (O.J. Simpson), and a general atmosphere of increasing political discord and animosity toward those who weren’t like yourself. Millennials were often raised by single parents who were struggling to make ends meet in our crumbling society, or passed back and forth between divorced parents. Millennials are reacting the only way they can react to a society that denigrates them, gives them no opportunities, ships potential jobs overseas, makes it impossible to earn enough money to move out of their parents’ homes, and generally places them in a no-win situation.

Where Boomers could protest Vietnam and attend a huge 4 day rock festival held on a farm, and win publicity (if not glorification) in the media over their countercultural activities, Millennials’ “Occupy” movement of late 2011–a movement that wasn’t anti-establishment or countercultural but just an expression of their desire to be treated fairly and be given more opportunities–was quickly silenced by the media. A year later, you barely heard of it anymore. We are still hearing about the Vietnam and civil rights protests of the 1960s and the womens’ and gay rights movements of the 1970s. Don’t get me wrong–those were all good causes and I agree with them–but why are Millennials being silenced for nothing more radical than wanting a decent job and a measure of respect?

All they want is a chance.

Although born at the butt-end of the Boom generation (and thereby almost X), I don’t consider myself a Boomer and find myself balking at my inclusion within it; nor do I truly identify with Gen-Xers. I actually consider myself a member of Generation Jones (a subgeneration that straddles both Boom and X and contains characteristics of both Boomers and Xers and includes a few of their own). Anyway, I highly recommend reading Strauss and Howe’s books, 1991’s Generations and its 1997 followup, The Fourth Turning, both which describe the way history runs in cycles of four “seasons” that produce four corresponding archetypal generational types that repeat themselves at approximately 80 year intervals, and how the interplay of the generational “constellation” and the turning (national mood) at hand impacts history and society.

But I have digressed from my original point. Boomers as the most narcissistic generation ever is not an unpopular notion. Politics, big religion and entertainment is glutted with narcissistic, bombastic Boomers who bloviate over their greatness, judge the rest of us harshly, shove religion down our throats, and show their hypocrisy by demanding obedience, family values, and morality when they themselves showed their disdain for the very same things when they were younger.

Boomers started the “Me Decade” of the 1970s–an unbridled era of vanity, designer drugs, designer jeans, pleasure seeking and hedonism; before that, during their younger, more idealistic phase, Boomers naively promised they could change the world through music, eastern forms of meditation, and psychedelic drugs. During the 1980s, they morphed into the selfish, greedy Yuppies, and by the 1990s, they had taken over the political landscape, becoming ever more bombastic, judgmental and just plain uncivil and nasty to anyone who disagreed with them.

1960s era idealistic hippies and their 1980s incarnation as materialistic Yuppies.

Staying young and fit forever became the collective goal of the Boomer generation once they became disillusioned with their youthful idealism following Woodstock and Watergate. Perhaps due to their huge numbers and a firey passion and culture of cool that first enchanted and then took over the American imagination as early as the late 1960s, they grew up into adults who thought they were immortal, invincible, forever young and vital. They started the health and organic food craze of the late 1970s and 1980s and has continued to this day. They told us how we should all eat, look, exercise, worship, raise our children, and live our lives. And if you didn’t follow their rules and became sick or poor, well that was your own fault for lacking self discipline and strength of will. Even into their 60s and early 70s, Boomers are getting facelifts and liposuction, in a sad attempt to resurrect the appearance they had 30 or more years ago, Of course they’re just getting old like everyone else, but they refuse to confront it.

What about Generation X?
Poor Generation X (born 1961-1981, according to Strauss and Howe) is like the ignored middle child–or even the scapegoated child in a narcissistic or dysfunctional family. Having children was unpopular when they were being born, with more and more women shunning motherhood in favor of moving up the corporate ladder. Telling someone you were pregnant was usually met with side-eye by the cool people, and if you had the gall to admit you wanted to have more than two children, people looked at you like you were an unenlightened throwback to the 1950s. Getting on the “Pill” was what every young woman wanted to do.

Movies made about children during the 1960s and 1970s depicted kids as evil, demonic, bratty or badly behaved. Child psychologists recommended letting kids do whatever they wanted, which basically meant neglecting them. During the child-hating 1970s, “Latchkey” kids became the norm rather than the exception. Even “throwaway” kids, kicked out of their homes by parents who cared more about themselves than about their children, weren’t especially uncommon, especially in urban areas.

Not surprisingly, Generation X grew up with collective low self esteem, and while their humor can be dry, cynical, and full of snark, it is almost always self-deprecating. They have grown into adults in their late 30’s to early 50’s who tend to embrace traditional values, take on DIY projects, are politically and morally conservative, and believe in practical solutions rather than unproved theories. They don’t trust those who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. They’re overprotective of their children and highly critical of the Boomers before them.

Middle aged Gen-Xers appear to accept the aging process fairly well, pretty much resigned to the inevitable. Hey, it’s better than the alternative. They’re not lining up at plastic surgeon’s offices for facelifts and body sculpting. While there are definitely narcissistic Gen-Xers (and I could list a lot), their generation as a whole seems the opposite of narcissistic–perhaps they’re avoidant or suffering collective PTSD. They are having problems in the workplace too–squeezed between older Boomers who refuse to retire, and Millennials wanting to take their places at the lower level jobs many Gen-Xers haven’t been able to move up from because of Boomers who refuse to pass on the torch.

Millennials are not a generation of narcissists; they are the victims of the narcissistic society they are trying to fit into without too much success. Their behavior shows frustrated young people who are just trying to find their footing and their place in the world, but no one seems to want to help give them a hand up, just blame them for failing to navigate the obstacles they never put there and never asked for.

Disclaimer: I’m well aware that every generation has its good and bad individuals, and there are certainly narcissistic Millennials and Gen-Xers, as well as unselfish and truly good Boomers. I’m generalizing about the generations as a whole, not their individual members.

It’s all about image: the skewed values of narcissistic families

Posted on November 2, 2014 by luckyotter

Last night I read a blog post by another survivor of narcissistic parents , and was astounded by how similar her parents’ values were to mine.

She writes that her father criticized her for being too idealistic. Now that would normally be a compliment, but because her family valued nothing but money, class and image, it was meant to be an insult. My father (who I don’t think is a narcissist, but has always been a huge narcissist apologist and enabler), said exactly the same thing to me.

We live in a narcissistic and materialistic society, that increasingly values traits that are narcissistic and exalt the individual over the community. In fact, studies have shown that a high percentage of CEOs, top executives, Wall Street tycoons, and others of the “One Percent” have narcissistic personality disorder. It’s a disorder that is very adaptive in modern society and whose traits are rewarded with money and material goods. Especially since the 1980s, with its “Greed is Good” ethos, we reward those who act in their own self interest over those who act in the interests of the community and want to help the less fortunate. There’s even a meme that’s become especially popular with narcissistic Baby Boomers: “I’m spending my children’s inheritance,” as though this is something to be proud of.

My family bought right into this ethos. Image was everything to my parents, especially my mother. My parents looked down on our blue-collar neighbors and relatives, and my mother in particular constantly made jokes at their expense and talked about how much better we were because we had nicer things and my father had a better (meaning white collar) job in the city. Appearance mattered, and our clothes had to come from the best department stores, never Sears. We had to live in the most exclusive neighborhoods. To not have a college degree was considered a mortal sin, and even then, it was far better to be successful in the cold-hearted business world than to be a successful teacher, social worker or a nurse. Such things were regarded as jobs for those who couldn’t do anything else, and of course they required a level of idealism that my parents just couldn’t relate to. When my parents split up when I was 14, my extremely image-conscious mother took up public relations as a career, which is all about image. She had so many face-lifts that today her face looks like a mask.

Whenever my parents, my mother in particular, complimented someone else, it was always on their visible, tangible qualities–things like their appearance, home decor, financial status, and taste in clothes. Table manners were of utmost importance, but being a good person was not. I can’t remember a time when my mother ever complimented anyone for qualities such as sweetness, generosity, friendliness and altruism. I do remember her putting down others for having these qualities, calling them “insipid” or accusing them of having no backbone.

My values never matched those of my immediate family, and when I became poor as an adult (because I was never given the tools and self esteem that would have led me to make better choices) I was shunned and rejected by them. I don’t think it’s any accident that when narcissistic parents choose a scapegoat, they usually choose the most sensitive child–the one most likely to be empathetic and have idealistic values. To a narcissist, idealism and empathy are weaknesses. They truly believe that the poor deserve to be poor, and they make no exception for their own child. The child with traits that cause them to become a scapegoat (and who all too often are also bullied at school) would probably become successful if they were raised in a loving, nurturing home, but in a narcissistic home, having these traits is a curse because that child is led to believe they are worthless and this leads to cowardly, “safe” choices that are more likely to lead to poverty. They are constantly told they will fail, that nothing they do is good enough, and then are usually “tossed out to the wolves” at a young age, with no family financial or emotional support to help them get a foothold in the larger world. I have read so many blogs by the scapegoated children of narcissistic families, who were forced to make their own way in the world with no family support, even if their parents could have afforded to help them, and even when other children in the family (who were not scapegoated) did receive support when they entered adulthood.

What is so ironic about all this is we scapegoats are rejected and hated for the very traits that were instilled in us as children! Scapegoated children are not encouraged to think independently or have ideas of their own. In fact, having a mind of one’s own is reason for punishment and abuse. We were trained to be deferent and obedient–and very much afraid. Deference, obedience and fear are not traits that lead to success in modern life. I think this training is deliberate, in that an evil narcissistic parent needs and wants someone they can use as the family trashcan–someone who can take and absorb all the family pathology and carry its burden. This child is then blamed for everything that goes wrong both within the family and in their own lives. When a scapegoated child becomes an adult, their low self esteem and fear almost inevitably leads to a life of material and financial lack, and this gives the narcissist parents an excuse for rejecting that child and refusing to help–for “violating” their materialistic, self-centered values. I think another reason narcissistic parents train HSP (highly sensitive) children to be scapegoats is because they know an HSP child must be silenced: this is a child who sees through their lies and can use the light of truth to blow the whistle on them. If they are encouraged to think and act independently, they might “out” the narcissistic parent and that is a prospect that terrifies them.

Of course, the best revenge for a scapegoated child is to become successful in spite of their upbringing–and of course there are those who have. Even then, narcissistic parents will find reasons to put that child’s accomplishments down as somehow not “good enough.” The few times in my adult life where I had some legitimate tangible success, I was never praised for it, but given some sort of left-handed compliment or told why it didn’t really count. I was also always compared with my more financially successful older half-siblings, who of course never had been designated the family scapegoat.

Narcissistic parents also don’t care if you have a mental disability. I’m a self-diagnosed Aspie (this was later confirmed by a psychiatrist) and suffer from intermittent major depression, but when I tried to tell my parents these were the reasons why I had so much trouble making the social connections necessary to become financially successful, these diagnoses were dismissed. I was told I was “making excuses.” Both my parents are convinced my poverty is my own fault because of the stupid choices I made. While I don’t deny having made dumb choices, these choices were based on the way I had been raised–to be afraid of taking any risks or challenging myself.

The only way to break the narcissist/scapegoat family dynamic (and it is probably the most toxic parent-child combination imaginable) is by cutting off contact with the abusive parent, because as long as you keep trying to please them, they will continue to attempt to break you down and make you feel insignificant. Nothing will ever please them, even if you dare to become more successful than they are. And if you somehow manage to do this without sacrificing your idealistic and empathetic values, that’s the biggest threat to them of all.

Make no mistake: your narcissistic parent doesn’t love you and never will, but it isn’t your fault. They hate you because they envy those qualities you have–empathy and humanity–that elude them. Be a good parent to yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it.

We Need a 12-Step Program for the Self Absorbed

Posted on October 15, 2014 by luckyotter

I came across this article in the Reader and was really impressed by it. It’s also a nice counterpoint to my article from a few days ago, Narcissists who use 12-Step Programs to further Their Agenda.
Enjoy!

See, there's this thing called biology...

Desperately. We’ve become a nation-cult of narcissists, so enamored by our own selves it’s a wonder we don’t just spontaneously combust. It’s so bad people are actually taking selfies of our very own selves. People are consumed by our own health issues, our various disorders, our own particular brokenness, our social concerns. Even in our social concerns it’s become all about us, our martyrdom, we’re the only one who cares, look at me, I’m so socially conscious and aware! Filthy rags, indeed.

Even faith frequently becomes something we like to lord over others, evidence of our own vast moral superiority. Not all of course, but our TV’s are constantly selling prosperity, beauty, and power, for three easy payments of 19.95. Become a Christian, you’ll get free stuff! CS Lewis was right when he said that kind of happiness was to be found in a bottle of port, not in Christianity.

So, in the 12…

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