Shameless self pity alert. If you hate negative posts, don’t read this.
I barely even replied to my comments today, so if I didn’t reply to yours, don’t take it personally. I’ll try to catch up tomorrow. I didn’t even post anything today, and that’s a first in a long time.
You see, I had a terrible day. It should have been a great day. The weather was warm–in the 70s!–and sunny, and yet my day started out horrible and stayed that way. First of all my roommate got mad because I wouldn’t jump start her car (which needs more than just a jump start) even though I was rushing to get out of the house for work this morning. I asked her if she was going anywhere today that she needed the car and she said not really. I told her I would help her when I got home, and she got all pissy. She actually had the gall to ask me to call work and tell them I’d be late just so I could help her jump start her damn car. I didn’t do it. In fact, I told her how entitled she was acting and she went back in the house pouting. Whatever.
This isn’t the first time my roommate has acted entitled and petulant when she didn’t get her way. I’m beginning to think she’s another narc. There’s a lot of red flags. But she helps me with the rent and I trust her on that level and can’t pay my bills all by myself, and that’s the reason she’s here. There haven’t been any real problems except that her entitled attitude is annoying as hell. She was never supposed to be my best friend. But she invades boundaries, is nosy, and demands special treatment. I left the house angry and feeling put upon.
I was already in a bad mood because of that, and then at work I was paired up to work all day with a woman I dislike (and who I’m pretty sure dislikes me). She’s not a narc, but our personalities just don’t go together well. She doesn’t understand my Aspie ways. She is very social and also acts bossy without having any reason to (I get that a lot–people always try to boss me around like I have no brain). I went off on her twice and apologized, but I just don’t care for her at all. She just gets on my damn nerves. Being an Aspie is so hard sometimes.
We had four houses to clean and none of them were easy. Sometimes I wonder why at my age I’m still cleaning fucking houses for a living, when I have a college degree and I can write. Other people get to write for a living and I’m better than some of them so why can’t I make a living doing it? Oh, I know why. It’s my shitty self esteem, which was destroyed by the narcs that have been pulling my strings and reminding me I’m no more than their puppet since the day I was born. I was trained to be narcissistic supply, to have no self esteem and have no mind of my own. I was trained to be prey. I was a good student. It’s hard to untrain yourself, even after the narcs are gone.
Being as Aspie just exacerbates this unfortunate situation. It’s hard–almost impossible–for us to make the social connections neurotypicals are able to make to get ahead in life. And in these days where “networking” is so all-important, it seems to me that WHO you know is more important than WHAT you know. It really sucks.
I hate that management took away my regular partner, who I got along with well. Management never explains anything. They just play us like chess pieces. They do shit like this and never tell us why. I’m over this job and am looking for another. It will be another shitty job of course, but at least will be a change. I hate working with all women. I get along better with guys in working situations. I miss working with men.
I posted nothing today because I came home angry, exhausted and depressed, and crashed on the bed for a nap almost the minute I got home. I never woke up or even had dinner. I just woke up a few minutes ago and ate a piece of cheese. This was the only post I could think about writing. It’s a sucky post but at least it’s something.
I’m just feeling blah, depressed and uninspired. And I have to go back to my shitty job tomorrow. I’m afraid I’ll be paired with this woman again. If I am I am going to management and tell them I cannot work with her and ask why I can’t work with my old partner anymore–or better yet, work alone more often. You make more money that way and I like days when I can work alone and not have to deal with socializing.
There are days, like today, where I feel like I’ve made no improvement at all, and haven’t really changed from the mousy little person I was a year ago. I’m just a mousy little person who writes a blog. I feel like my life will always be like this, that I’ll always be poor, always have a crappy job, always feel inferior to others, and never really be able to have fun or enjoy life. I’m aware a lot of this is just my pessimism and having a negative attitude. I know not every day will be like this. There are always going to be bad days even when things are generally going pretty well. I’m angry I didn’t get to enjoy the beautiful weather today. But there will be plenty more pretty days to enjoy very soon.
God help me. I have to get up for work again in a few hours. I really hope it’s a better day. I always feel guilty when I wallow in negative thinking, the way I’m doing right now. At least I can write about it.
The Wheel of Abuse
Not all abusive relationships involve physical abuse. Emotional and mental abuse can be every bit as damaging, and sometimes more so. (Click image to make larger).
A new friend of mine (a survivor of several abusive relationships with narcs) and I were talking on Facebook. Rather than try to paraphrase, I’ll quote her directly–and then give my own opinions.
Friend:
“I realized he [her malignant narcissist ex-boyfriend who she’s still in minimal contact with but who is still trying to gaslight her and get her attention by stalking her on Facebook] did everything on that wheel except for the Economic abuse. He started to subtle test the boundaries…and realized I wasn’t game. Although I believe he probably still believes I’ll contact him again. It’s amazing, [Lauren.]
The more time your away, they stronger you feel. Your self-esteem comes back slowly. I get those frightened moments when I think my new boyfriend will just Abandoned me out of nowhere. I understand why the Psychopathic free support group did not recommend a relationship right away. They know you suffer from PTSD from the aftermath of this abuse. It’s difficult. I find myself having dark flashbacks. I also believe you have to be careful and choosy about your women friends and surround yourself with only kind people. We are fragile and vulnerable after this abuse.
My reply (My original reply was short–I embellished it when I wrote this post. I hope my friend sees it).
These are all great points. It makes sense to stay out of relationships if you’ve just escaped from an abusive one because of the PTSD you probably have or even worse problems such as major depression–you need time to find yourself and work on yourself. You need time to be selfish and not have to answer to anyone because you’ve been giving, giving and giving some more with nothing to show for it in return.
We’re mentally and emotionally exhausted and need time to recover, just as if we’re recovering from any illness. We need to not have to be responsible for someone else’s welfare or self esteem or happiness for a while before taking the plunge into a new relationship. We need to take care of ourselves and find out who we are–whether that means going to therapy, writing a journal, turning that journal into a public spectacle like a blog or video diary, taking up martial arts, yoga, or finding God. We need time to heal.
Jumping into any new relationship–even with a non-narc–when you’re this vulnerable is almost guaranteed to fail and retard you in your self growth, and if you’ve been attracted to another narcissistic abuser (which is common in codependent, PTSD and Borderline women), you may wind up much worse when all is said and done.
We’re like addicts. Narcs need their narcissistic supply; we codependents need our narcs. Let’s face it: Narcissistic suitors (male or female)–at first–make us feel alive, vital and fulfill our wildest romantic and sexual fantasies (when they are trying to trap you as their prey). In a weakened state like PTSD or depression, your judgment is not going to be great and you re going to be VERY suggestible. Most likely, you’ll also become unconsciously attracted to a romantic partner who reminds you of the narc you just left (or who left you). He made sure you can’t forget him easily, even if he was terribly cruel at the end.
Anime drawing (artist unknown).
Also, we tend to be attracted to the same type of person anyway. So if you’re usually or always attracted to narcissists, then most likely your taste is not going to change.
Getting involved too early after the end of a relationship with a narcissist is dangerous. Even with a non-narcissist, old patterns will still come up and you will be hypervigilant and suspicious of your new partner, causing them confusion and eventual discord. If you’re falling for a non-narc, that’s a good sign, but if you just left an abusive relationship, please wait. Envision a giant red STOP sign. Be friends instead. Now’s not the time to get involved beyond that level. If you met someone who truly cares for you, they won’t mind waiting a while and being friends with you.
If you’re already falling hard for someone, I know it’s going to be really hard to resist the pull of a new romance. It’s a powerful force, built into normally-wired people’s genes.
But remember, even though it feels like the most exciting, heady, intoxicating rush you ever felt, that feeling won’t last: what you feel is infatuation, a crush–actually caused by changes in the brain that act like a euphoric drug. That’s really what it boils down to.
Infatuation so soon after an abusive relationship is really just a form of transference onto a phantom “therapist” [the person you are infatuated with] when you are at your most vulnerable. You’re looking for someone to rescue you. There is no Prince Charming. A love relationship cannot rescue you from yourself, your memories, or your PTSD. By its nature, it can’t. You are the only one who can make you well, with the help of therapists, counselors or another other trusted person who is not involved sexually or romantically with you.
So be patient, wait until you heal yourself and feel more confident. Then if you fall in love, dive in and enjoy it–and with any luck it might turn into the real thing.
Thank you to Mary Pranzatelli for this idea.
Following is a mindblowing video showing how six recent bro-country hits ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME.
In addition, the lyrics almost always involve a scantily dressed country girl (always named “Girl” and always dressed in cutoff jeans, daisy dukes, or tight ripped jeans), beer, a river or body of water, moonlight, a pickup truck with the tailgate down, more beer, said girl dancing on the tailgate, a horny guy, and enough beer to refill the aforementioned body of water should it dry up. It’s always summer and the radio is always on.
There’s some variety though: in a few bro country songs lots of mud is involved. Or even homemade wine standing in for the beer. A few have a slight hip hop influence. But the musical formula never changes. Ever.
For the best experience, maximize your screen to watch the video. Watch the black bar moving to the right across the screen through segments showing the exact locations of the intros, verses, transitions, guitar solos, 1st and 2nd chorus, bridges/breakdowns (I call this the “quiet before the storm”), drum explosions in the final chorus outre, the final woah woahs, etc. There’s barely any variation in their placement! This is as fascinating to watch as to listen to. It’s awesome. I could watch this 100 times. I kid you not. *
The formula is so generic and sounds so similar to most commercial pop rock of about 5 and more years ago (Nickelback, The Fray, Daughtry, 3 Doors Down, and many others) that I bet a mashup could be done mixing some of those older pop-rock songs with today’s bro-country you’d see no difference in the timed graphs in the video!
Credit: created by Gregory Todd aka Sir Mashalot, and for updates on his next video and mp3 of this song, he can be found at https://www.facebook.com/sirmashalot.gregorytodd
These songs are all ridiculously catchy even if you hate this genre. Bro country is barely country at all–it’s formulaic pop-rock with a banjo and a twang.
For more about the phenomenon (or scourge) of bro-country, read this article.
* My guilty little secret is I like bro country I like Lady Gaga.
Sam Vaknin posted a new video yesterday, “The Morally Insane Psychopath: A Brief History of Psychopaths and Antisocials.” I decided to repost it on this blog because it’s such a fascinating subject that isn’t widely known or easy to find information about in one place. I never really looked into the history of the field of psychopathy and narcissism before, and whether or not you agree with Sam and his views about narcissism (or are on the fence like I am), Mr. Vaknin does have encyclopedic knowledge about this field of psychology.
So much has changed!
Sam looks like he’s lost weight.
As a person with Aspergers, I can so relate to everything in this article, so I’m sharing it.
Not all introverts are Aspies but almost all Aspies are introverts. We’re not neurotypicals, so people need to get over it. I embrace my INFJ-ness.
15 Things That Introverts will Never Tell You
Introverts catch a lot of shit for being introverted. The whole world seems so enamored by extroverts – the people we know who just want to be around people all the time. While we introverts might not want that, it doesn’t mean we’re depressed or suicidal or anything wacky like that. There are some things you should know about us.
1. Small talk sucks.
We’re just not very good at it. We’re typically the big-thinking types. We like big ideas and theories. Small talk is uncomfortable. We don’t care about the weather or how your cat has been doing.
2. Being alone is fine.
Seriously, we’re doing okay, even if we hole up in our houses for a while. We don’t need other people for stimulation. We find that ourselves.
3. We aren’t rude or uptight.
We might seem like that at first, but get to know us. We’re still a fun bunch of friends, we just don’t always acclimate to unfamiliar settings and people so quickly.
4. Sometimes, we swing both ways.
We might be introverts, but sometimes we are just so the life of the party. We do this willingly when we’re up to it, but we can’t always keep that kind of energy going. If we throw a party, great! But give us some time to recover.
5. We have friends. And they like us! Probably.
People hear the word ‘introvert’ and think of the goth kid sitting alone at the food court. That’s a whole different thing entirely. We love having friends, and our friends love having us! We put in a conscious effort for people we think are worth it.
6. When with the right people, we feel safe.
Having the right people in our lives is amazing. we really give our best selves to the best people. We shine in the right company. But sometimes it takes a while to find those people.
7. We like to write things out.
Writing is easier than talking for us sometimes. Email is the best because it helps us get the thoughts out of our heads without being interrupted. Thinking about giving us a call? Try a text or email instead.
8. We’re super productive.
Sometimes at least. Usually in our alone time, we’re able to really rock and roll on projects that we need to finish. The solitude helps us, as we tend to be a bit more distractible than most.
9. If we don’t like you, you won’t know it.
It’s the truth of the matter. We hate conflict. So even if we don’t like you, we’ll still be nice. It’s a lot easier than being real with you. Especially if your feelings are inconsequential enough that confronting you on your bullshit isn’t even worth the time. Sorry. Well, not sorry.
10. Networking events suck.
Seriously. Is there a mailing list we need to opt out of? There are few things more uncomfortable than a networking party. Except maybe a dentist’s networking party that we’ve just been accidentally invited to.
11. We don’t like crowds.
Though I find that after a few beers, I can tolerate it. Introverts tend to get overstimulated easily, so big crowds aare tough to deal with.
12. Sorry, we probably weren’t listening to your story.
We care deeply about our friends, but people outside of that circle will have a tough time maintaining our attention. It’s not that we have ADD or anything like that, we just don’t really care about you. On the plus side, we won’t judge you, so feel free to tell us all the fucked up things you said to your ex.
13. Don’t make a fuss out of our birthdays.
For the longest time, I had a great deal of difficulty understanding why I hated my birthday so much. Everyone I ever knew would come out and party with me! But then I realized: that’s the problem! We don’t need to make a fuss out of our birthdays, so please don’t do it to us.
14. We don’t want to make a fuss out of your birthday.
We can quietly honor the annual birthday, right?
15. If we’ve chosen to be friends with you, appreciate it.
We value our alone time. If we see you often, it means that we really love you. Just don’t get too bummed out when we don’t hang for a week at a time sometimes.
Read more at http://higherperspective.com/2015/01/introverts.html#BtyOb4UjX41gG34c.99
The results are in and still have to be tallied and analyzed, but here is the email Valerie Berenice Coles sent me today. The level of participation is truly impressive! Thanks to everyone who helped out. ❤
Hi Lauren,
Thank you again for your help in featuring, distributing, and/or participating in our study! We are truly amazed and humbled at how many ACONs took our survey. We had 978 respondents from at least 11 countries, 16 websites that we personally contacted participate, and then many more websites that you and your readers, our respondents, forwarded the survey to. Never in our wildest imagination did we think that so many ACONs would step up and help us out. We will be examining our findings over the next six weeks and when we have a summary of the results then. As I mentioned in previous emails, I will be sending this summary out to all the known websites that participated as well as to any individuals who requested a summary.
Meanwhile, we did the drawing today for the ten $100 gift cards. Anyone who entered their email address at the end of the survey was eligible for the drawing. There were 711 emails in the drawing! The ten winners were contacted today via email to get their full name/address so we can mail the gift cards to them. At the start of the study we had agreed not to publicize their names (as ACONs may not want narcissistic family members to know that they are part of an ACON site) but, of course, if one of the winners is part of your site, we hope that person will let the rest of the group know s/he was a recipient.
Again, we truly appreciate your help and we hope through this study that we can create a short useful questionnaire for people to use to help identify narcissistic parents. The success of this study would not have been possible without you.
I look forward to emailing you again in several weeks with the summary. Thank you again!
Best,
Valerie
Valerie Berenice Coles, MA
PhD Student, Research Project Manager
Graduate Assistant to Franklin College of Arts and Sciences Student Ambassadors Program
University of Georgia
Department of Communication Studies
Caldwell Hall
vcoles@uga.edu
http://comm.uga.edu/people/view/valerie-coles
Opinionated Man’s thoughts about bloggers getting too full of themselves and failing to keep things real. This is great advice for all of us who blog.
I’m just a weird Aspie and that’s okay.
Lucky Otters Haven 