I had a bad day.

bad_day

Shameless self pity alert. If you hate negative posts, don’t read this.

I barely even replied to my comments today, so if I didn’t reply to yours, don’t take it personally. I’ll try to catch up tomorrow. I didn’t even post anything today, and that’s a first in a long time.

You see, I had a terrible day. It should have been a great day. The weather was warm–in the 70s!–and sunny, and yet my day started out horrible and stayed that way. First of all my roommate got mad because I wouldn’t jump start her car (which needs more than just a jump start) even though I was rushing to get out of the house for work this morning. I asked her if she was going anywhere today that she needed the car and she said not really. I told her I would help her when I got home, and she got all pissy. She actually had the gall to ask me to call work and tell them I’d be late just so I could help her jump start her damn car. I didn’t do it. In fact, I told her how entitled she was acting and she went back in the house pouting. Whatever.

This isn’t the first time my roommate has acted entitled and petulant when she didn’t get her way. I’m beginning to think she’s another narc. There’s a lot of red flags. But she helps me with the rent and I trust her on that level and can’t pay my bills all by myself, and that’s the reason she’s here. There haven’t been any real problems except that her entitled attitude is annoying as hell. She was never supposed to be my best friend. But she invades boundaries, is nosy, and demands special treatment. I left the house angry and feeling put upon.

I was already in a bad mood because of that, and then at work I was paired up to work all day with a woman I dislike (and who I’m pretty sure dislikes me). She’s not a narc, but our personalities just don’t go together well. She doesn’t understand my Aspie ways. She is very social and also acts bossy without having any reason to (I get that a lot–people always try to boss me around like I have no brain). I went off on her twice and apologized, but I just don’t care for her at all. She just gets on my damn nerves. Being an Aspie is so hard sometimes.

neurotypical

We had four houses to clean and none of them were easy. Sometimes I wonder why at my age I’m still cleaning fucking houses for a living, when I have a college degree and I can write. Other people get to write for a living and I’m better than some of them so why can’t I make a living doing it? Oh, I know why. It’s my shitty self esteem, which was destroyed by the narcs that have been pulling my strings and reminding me I’m no more than their puppet since the day I was born. I was trained to be narcissistic supply, to have no self esteem and have no mind of my own. I was trained to be prey. I was a good student. It’s hard to untrain yourself, even after the narcs are gone.

Being as Aspie just exacerbates this unfortunate situation. It’s hard–almost impossible–for us to make the social connections neurotypicals are able to make to get ahead in life. And in these days where “networking” is so all-important, it seems to me that WHO you know is more important than WHAT you know. It really sucks.

bullshit

I hate that management took away my regular partner, who I got along with well. Management never explains anything. They just play us like chess pieces. They do shit like this and never tell us why. I’m over this job and am looking for another. It will be another shitty job of course, but at least will be a change. I hate working with all women. I get along better with guys in working situations. I miss working with men.

I posted nothing today because I came home angry, exhausted and depressed, and crashed on the bed for a nap almost the minute I got home. I never woke up or even had dinner. I just woke up a few minutes ago and ate a piece of cheese. This was the only post I could think about writing. It’s a sucky post but at least it’s something.

I’m just feeling blah, depressed and uninspired. And I have to go back to my shitty job tomorrow. I’m afraid I’ll be paired with this woman again. If I am I am going to management and tell them I cannot work with her and ask why I can’t work with my old partner anymore–or better yet, work alone more often. You make more money that way and I like days when I can work alone and not have to deal with socializing.

There are days, like today, where I feel like I’ve made no improvement at all, and haven’t really changed from the mousy little person I was a year ago. I’m just a mousy little person who writes a blog. I feel like my life will always be like this, that I’ll always be poor, always have a crappy job, always feel inferior to others, and never really be able to have fun or enjoy life. I’m aware a lot of this is just my pessimism and having a negative attitude. I know not every day will be like this. There are always going to be bad days even when things are generally going pretty well. I’m angry I didn’t get to enjoy the beautiful weather today. But there will be plenty more pretty days to enjoy very soon.

God help me. I have to get up for work again in a few hours. I really hope it’s a better day. I always feel guilty when I wallow in negative thinking, the way I’m doing right now. At least I can write about it.

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18 thoughts on “I had a bad day.

  1. I hope that you got all the bad out of your system by writing about it. Count the good days and check there are more of them. Maybe meditation can help you to get through these days. Send you healing thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang in there Otter, thigns will get better but I know it’s hard to realize that when in the thick of it. Good that you’re writing about your bad feelings as it’s a healthy way to process them. I’m hopping tomorrow is much better for you!

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  3. This sounds like a nasty rut. You need a source of hope! I’d try finding new social activities and get to know what other people are up to. Maybe a better opportunity will come of it! Just an idea. Hope things turn around either way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are entitled to bad days just life everyone else! Probably better that you wrote about it and got some of it out of your system, add opposed to letting it fester! Tomorrow brings a new day! Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just a mousy, little person who can write one Hell of a blog. I’m with you about working. It seems like I can rock a crappy job, but can’t make the leap into something better, something I deserve. Don’t let a bad day get you down, we’ve all been there. You can’t see a good day without a bad one occasionally.

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    • Thank you–your reframing of my “mousy little person” remark made me laugh! But it’s true. I gotta admit I take a lot of pride in this blog and it’s one of the few good choices I have made in my life. It’s also so true about there being no good days without the bad–like there’s no light without the darkness.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Can you ask for your old partner back? I wonder why they enforce dumb rules at jobs or just make things more difficult for people. Given your writing and typing skills could you leave the house cleaning behind and find something more office oriented. Yes I know being an Aspie there would make it harder. Hope things get better for you.

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    • It’s actually a pretty toxic work environment and very stressful, which is another reason I want to leave. Today I got to work alone though, which is ideal for me. So it was a better day.
      Office work? No way. I can’t stand sitting at a desk watching a clock but worse than that, you have to deal with office politics (which Aspies are terrible at) and socializing with the same people every day. You have to be “on” all the time to, and attend meetings. Not really ideal for too mahy Aspies. I’d rather clean houses, tbh. Now if the office job involved writing and I could work pretty independently that might be a whole nother kettle of fish, so to speak.

      Thanks for commenting–haven’t seen you around too much. I hope you are doing better.

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