Tag Archives: depression

Epidemic of depression.

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I haven’t been reading other blogs too much lately (too depressed), but I did read this post by Bradley over at Bipolar Bear.   He describes a depression that sounds quite a bit like mine.  I think a lot of people are saddened about Trump’s winning the election, and feel hopeless about living in America.

In my case, I don’t think it’s just Trump winning the election, though I don’t think that helps.   I think my depression is due to several things:  abandonment issues being triggered, the election, the wildfires and lack of rain, my seasonal SAD, plumbing issues that have no easy fix, and other, less specific things that have been bothering me.

Right now, I feel pretty hopeless and depressed about everything and I’m not even sure why.  I just feel sad and seem to have no energy.   I don’t have much motivation to write anything, or even to read other blogs or comment on them.   I’m going to talk to my therapist about this on Thursday and see if we can figure out what’s going on because I’m so tired of feeling this way.

It seems like a lot of people I know are feeling this way lately, even people who weren’t bothered by the outcome of the election.   Is it something in the air? I don’t know.

Honesty.

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I’m not going to lie.   I’ve been feeling pretty down and out about everything the past few days.   Maybe it’s the letdown after “returning to reality” last week, or maybe it’s another huge pocket of pain coming to the surface that needs release.    I know what I can do about that.   I can meet my two new friends in Chapel Hill who have promised to work with me on that, but I have to set up a whole day to make the 4-hour drive there and back, and spend several hours in therapy.

My depression could be due to the sudden arrival of “winter”– all the leaves are finally gone, it’s suddenly cold and the days are unbearably short.   I spent the entire day curled up on the couch with a blanket eating junk food staring at my box TV, watching episodes of “Pitbulls and Parolees” on Animal Planet and crying during and after every heartwarming/heartbreaking episode.  And I don’t even like Pitbulls!  My pitiful little two foot tall fiber optic Christmas tree sitting in the corner by the window seemed to mock me.  Where’s my Christmas spirit? I have none right now.  And I don’t care.

Several real world issues (like terrible water pressure caused by years of incompetent jimmy-rigged plumbing in a 108 year old house that all needs to be redone and will cost thousands of dollars that my landlord doesn’t want to spend and I certainly don’t have)–things that aren’t really disasters but have the potential to become disasters aren’t helping.   I’m trying to work out solutions to these seemingly impossible dilemmas but don’t have the motivation or energy to do very much except complain and whine about how awful and annoying they are.  I almost don’t care.   The whole house is falling apart anyway.   The landlord does nothing.  I just want to move.  But that’s not looking like it’s in the immediate future either.

I’m getting older and feeling increasingly helpless and adrift in life unless things begin to change or I get a handle on myself and obtain more motivation to change some things myself–like writing that ebook I always talk about writing.  I know I could probably sell it and at least earn enough to move–maybe.   But my motivation to write or create anything is gone.  All I want to do is eat and sleep.  I don’t even want to blog or read.  I don’t want to do anything.   I don’t even feel like looking for a sad picture for this post.

I feel like maybe something very dark, some hidden or unseen outcropping of the Himalayan-sized mountain range of my abandonment trauma got triggered during my HeartSync week that wasn’t fully resolved or fully released.   I remember feeling like there was more I had to get out, but there wasn’t enough time to work on that.

I’m having lots of doubts about my faith too, which alarms me.    I feel like I need to call these two people in Chapel Hill really soon.   I also want my copy of Pete Walker’s “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” back.  My therapist has had it for months and I doubt has even read it.   I think I’m going to ask him to bring it back, because I sure could use the advice in it right now.

I didn’t want to write anything tonight.  But I wanted to be honest.  So there you go.  That’s where I’m at.   I’m going to put on my light therapy lamp for awhile and just try to relax and talk to God even if he’s AWOL at the moment.  Then go to sleep.

Mourning.

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I feel like I’m in mourning today.     I could barely get through my day.  I called my therapist and told him how upset I was and asked him if  crying and feeling this depressed over a presidential election was a normal reaction.    He shared with me that his phone had been ringing off the hook since last night because people are so depressed, despondent, hopeless, suicidal–and yes, many are crying too.    There are many, many of us feeling a great loss today.   Not over Hillary’s loss per se, but over the loss of hope for this nation.

It’s all over.  America, as we knew it, is no more.

But it’s been coming to this point for 40 years.  How could we have been so blind and denied what was obvious?

It’s all so surreal.

And the games haven’t even begun yet.   We are in deep shit.

This is the worst thing that could ever have happened to this country.   I can’t see anything good coming from it.

I see a Hunger Games future for this country.

I can relate to this song right now, so much.   It was recorded in 1965, a time of hope and innocence when the country was changing in a positive way and people were waking up to new possibilities.  Now everything’s all going to roll back to 50, 100 years ago–a time when women knew their place was in the home serving their authoritarian husbands,  there were no social support systems for the vulnerable, children were to be seen and not heard, homosexuality was considered a serious mental illness, and non-whites knew their place was in a servile role to the rich white men who ran things.

But people still flocked to America even then because they saw the possibilities, the promise of freedom and opportunity.

All of that is gone.

RIP AMERICA: 1776 – 2016

 

Further reading:

The Five Stages of Trump Grief: How to Go Through Them as Fast as Possible (from Mashable.com)

The Truth about Depression and Anxiety.

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Credit: @TheWeirdWorld on Twitter

Depression is happiness.

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I’m so depressed I had to call in sick at work and set up an emergency therapy session this afternoon.  I couldn’t sleep last night at all.   I’m crying almost all the time.    This is more than just SAD.  That never got THIS bad before, even though it’s probably contributing to it.  My therapist thinks I’ve slammed headlong into the “void” and have lost all my usual defenses without anything to fill the hole yet and that’s why I feel like I’m losing my mind.    I know this is probably “good” and means I’ve made more progress but it sure doesn’t feel that way right now.   I have to keep telling myself this is not permanent.   I feel like what’s happening is some sort of grieving process.  But what exactly I’m grieving I’m not sure.

I did see this post this morning and it made me feel a tad better.   Maybe it can help someone else too.

http://www.youngandtwenty.com/depression-is-happiness

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)?

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I think it’s worse this year, but there are a few other things going on that are exacerbating my symptoms.   I seem to have a weird form of it, which starts in late July or August, when my body begins to notice the reduction of light, even though summer is at its peak. Even though I detest winter, my mood starts to pick up in late January or February, when my body notices the lengthening days. I’m at my best in April – June and at my worst in November and December. My SAD seems to imitate the sleep/wake patterns of hibernating animals.

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Graph I made showing my moods throughout the year. This never varies much.

Here’s an overview of what SAD is, from mayoclinic.org.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that’s related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you’re like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer.

Treatment for SAD may include light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications.

Don’t brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the “winter blues” or a seasonal funk that you have to tough out on your own. Take steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year.

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic Staff

In most cases, seasonal affective disorder symptoms appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the sunnier days of spring and summer. However, some people with the opposite pattern have symptoms that begin in spring or summer. In either case, symptoms may start out mild and become more severe as the season progresses.

Major depression

Seasonal affective disorder is a subtype of major depression that comes and goes based on seasons. So symptoms of major depression may be part of SAD, such as:

Feeling depressed most of the day, nearly every day
Feeling hopeless or worthless
Having low energy
Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
Having problems with sleeping
Experiencing changes in your appetite or weight
Feeling sluggish or agitated
Having difficulty concentrating
Having frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Fall and winter SAD

Symptoms specific to winter-onset SAD, sometimes called winter depression, may include:

Irritability
Tiredness or low energy
Problems getting along with other people
Hypersensitivity to rejection
Heavy, “leaden” feeling in the arms or legs
Oversleeping
Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
Weight gain

Spring and summer SAD

Symptoms specific to summer-onset seasonal affective disorder, sometimes called summer depression, may include:

Depression
Trouble sleeping (insomnia)
Weight loss
Poor appetite
Agitation or anxiety

seasonal-affective-disorder

Seasonal changes in bipolar disorder

In some people with bipolar disorder, spring and summer can bring on symptoms of mania or a less intense form of mania (hypomania), and fall and winter can be a time of depression.

When to see a doctor

It’s normal to have some days when you feel down. But if you feel down for days at a time and you can’t get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your doctor. This is especially important if your sleep patterns and appetite have changed or if you feel hopeless, think about suicide, or turn to alcohol for comfort or relaxation.

Causes

By Mayo Clinic Staff

The specific cause of seasonal affective disorder remains unknown. Some factors that may come into play include:

  • Your biological clock (circadian rhythm). The reduced level of sunlight in fall and winter may cause winter-onset SAD. This decrease in sunlight may disrupt your body’s internal clock and lead to feelings of depression.
  • Serotonin levels. A drop in serotonin, a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that affects mood, might play a role in SAD. Reduced sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin that may trigger depression.
  • Melatonin levels. The change in season can disrupt the balance of the body’s level of melatonin, which plays a role in sleep patterns and mood

Risk Factors

Factors that may increase your risk of seasonal affective disorder include:

  • Being female. SAD is diagnosed more often in women than in men, but men may have more-severe symptoms.
  • Age. Young people have a higher risk of winter SAD, and winter SAD is less likely to occur in older adults.
  • Family history. People with SAD may be more likely to have blood relatives with SAD or another form of depression.
  • Having clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Symptoms of depression may worsen seasonally if you have one of these conditions.
  • Living far from the equator. SAD appears to be more common among people who live far north or south of the equator. This may be due to decreased sunlight during the winter and longer days during the summer months.

Complications

Take signs and symptoms of seasonal affective disorder seriously. As with other types of depression, SAD can get worse and lead to problems if it’s not treated. These can include:

  • Suicidal thoughts or behavior
  • Social withdrawal
  • School or work problems
  • Substance abuse

Treatment can help prevent complications, especially if SAD is diagnosed and treated before symptoms get bad.

Original article is here.

 

Falling down a mental black hole.

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I’ve been dealing with a situation that’s been somewhat traumatizing to me and has gotten me very depressed and experiencing feelings of self-hatred and shame (having SAD doesn’t help).   I became so depressed all I could do was lie in bed and sleep or just mope around and do nothing except wallow in self pity.  I lost all motivation to write anything at all.    I prayed for answers and clarity on this situation, and now that I finally understand the reason this thing triggered me so much, I’m finally starting to feel a little better about it.

I’m sorry, but I’m not prepared to say what the situation is.    I’m not ill nor is anyone close to me sick.  I didn’t lose my job. No one died. Nothing “bad” happened.   It’s purely a thing that has to do with my mental disorders and is probably something that wouldn’t bother a normal person nearly so much but sent me hurtling down a mental black hole.

I have therapy tomorrow where I will be talking about it.  The only person that knows exactly what’s going on with me right now is my therapist.    I hope I come away feeling almost back to normal.

I still don’t know how much I’ll feel like posting, though.

Contaminated memories.

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Last night I was temporarily able to get rid of the awful empty feelings I wrote about yesterday with a little “Cyclops Therapy.”   🙂
But it didn’t last.

I actually felt pretty good again until today.  Everything just makes me want to cry.  It’s not really depression; I’m not sure exactly what it is.   It’s just this yawning empty sad feeling. I spent a little time trying to examine the feeling, taking it apart to try to understand it.

It’s like every good memory I ever had is somehow contaminated by sadness or some other negative emotion arising from the sea of emptiness that lies beneath.   Once a good experience enters my long term memory, it’s shot through with painful longing and a feeling of great loss and even grief.   Or sometimes it’s contaminated by guilt, or knowing that it wasn’t going to last–not having any idea at the time of what sort of disaster was waiting just around the corner.  So my happy memories make me sad.

If you’ve ever seen the animated film “Inside Out,” you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Riley’s long term happy core memories were in danger of being touched by Sadness (a character depicting that emotion) and a few already were, so Joy (another character) tried to intercept so Riley’s happy core memories would stay that way.

Thank God I see my therapist tonight.   I really don’t know what all this means.  Maybe I’m on the edge of another big breakthrough.  I hope so!

This barren wasteland.

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In my life, I’ve rarely experienced true happiness, of the kind I experienced during the week of August 21, when I was on the Florida Gulf coast visiting my son.  I wrote a lot on this blog about the experience I had while basking in the warm Gulf waters and exploring the beaches and gazing at the unbelievable sunsets, and just being able to relax, forget my worries, and spend time with an almost 25 year old man who I love with a fierceness I reserve for very, very few people.  I felt very close to the divine during that time.   Even the 700 mile road trip going there and back was a sort of spiritual experience for me.   Everything about that week was perfect. I never felt so much at peace with myself and the world.  I felt somehow changed.

It occurred to me today that this weekend will be a month (4 weeks) since I began my vacation.  It’s a cherished memory now (and one that changed me in some profound way), but is now receding ever deeper into the past, joining the other few happy memories I have, most which happened much longer ago than this.     The memory is probably far enough in the past now that it’s no longer part of my short term memory but has now entered my long term memory.

While I’m grateful beyond words that I got to have this amazing experience, and know it won’t be the last time (I’m tentatively planning to return at the end of March),  I feel a deep sadness that it’s over tinged with a kind of yearning to return there forever.  Not so much because I miss the location of where I was, or even that I miss being in close proximity to my son (though I miss those things too), but the feeling of pure joy I had unfettered by anything else.  Rarely have I felt that kind of joy and lightness, and when I have, it’s been fleeting, like the momentary reflection of the sun on a dragonfly’s wings.

It’s been said that you can’t feel sadness without having known what happiness felt like.   Sadness is about loss.  In my case the loss of that deep, pure joy is bringing me into contact with the abyss of emptiness that still lives deep inside me, heavy and dark and cold, like a barren wasteland in which a chill wind always howls and it’s always winter and where nothing ever grows.

I tried praying about it, for I know it was really feeling close to the divine that made me feel so full of joy, not the actual surroundings, but it was just so much easier when I was away.    It’s hard to get that feeling back.   I look around my surroundings here and am reminded of how much I hate this time of year when the days are growing shorter and the nights longer, and  nature’s beginning to look tired and spent before going to sleep again for another winter.   Being here, without the sun and the sea and the sand, so far inland, back in the daily grind of real life, just reminds me of all the heartbreaks and losses and disappointments and hurts that have contaminated my life and pockmarked my soul full of raw and gaping holes.

This feeling of sad emptiness is very hard to explain.  I do suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) so that might have something to do with it, but I go through that every year.   This is different.  I feel like I’ve suffered a terrible loss, like a death, and like there’s no way I’ll ever feel that kind of joy again.   I want to so badly and I know I will, but right now it feels like it’s forever gone.

I imagine normal people feel that kind of joy more often, even if they don’t all the time.    I know I need to find a way to feel that lightness of spirit no matter where I am, but at the moment, I’m overwhelmed with this terrible nostalgia and sadness because my memory of that perfect week is no longer that recent and is quickly receding into the distant past, where details are forgotten or corrupted by other memories.   For that one week, it seemed as if the emptiness inside me was filled for a change; now it’s just empty again.

I always knew the emptiness was there, but I was so emotionally numb and so used to it that I regarded it as normal. I didn’t really think about it; it was just always there. Now it’s nearly unbearable. It could mean that I’m close to diving into the void because it seems so much nearer than it ever did before. Maybe I’m closer to it because so many of my usual defenses have fallen away. Maybe tomorrow night’s session will be an interesting one; I’ve noticed that just before a breakthrough I become more depressed than usual.

I called my therapist crying today and left a long message about how overwhelmed I felt by this spiritual and emotional barrenness.   I’ll be seeing him tomorrow;  I guess we need to talk about it.   I got a small taste of what it’s like to be mentally and spiritually alive and healthy, without any disorders, but the downside of that is that once you’ve seen heaven, reality seems like hell.

Sleeping off sadness.

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I haven’t posted for a couple of days because, frankly, I’m too depressed to post anything.   I’ve been coming home from work and pretty much sleeping it off.   I hope this mood passes soon.