I’m not going to lie. I’ve been feeling pretty down and out about everything the past few days. Maybe it’s the letdown after “returning to reality” last week, or maybe it’s another huge pocket of pain coming to the surface that needs release. I know what I can do about that. I can meet my two new friends in Chapel Hill who have promised to work with me on that, but I have to set up a whole day to make the 4-hour drive there and back, and spend several hours in therapy.
My depression could be due to the sudden arrival of “winter”– all the leaves are finally gone, it’s suddenly cold and the days are unbearably short. I spent the entire day curled up on the couch with a blanket eating junk food staring at my box TV, watching episodes of “Pitbulls and Parolees” on Animal Planet and crying during and after every heartwarming/heartbreaking episode. And I don’t even like Pitbulls! My pitiful little two foot tall fiber optic Christmas tree sitting in the corner by the window seemed to mock me. Where’s my Christmas spirit? I have none right now. And I don’t care.
Several real world issues (like terrible water pressure caused by years of incompetent jimmy-rigged plumbing in a 108 year old house that all needs to be redone and will cost thousands of dollars that my landlord doesn’t want to spend and I certainly don’t have)–things that aren’t really disasters but have the potential to become disasters aren’t helping. I’m trying to work out solutions to these seemingly impossible dilemmas but don’t have the motivation or energy to do very much except complain and whine about how awful and annoying they are. I almost don’t care. The whole house is falling apart anyway. The landlord does nothing. I just want to move. But that’s not looking like it’s in the immediate future either.
I’m getting older and feeling increasingly helpless and adrift in life unless things begin to change or I get a handle on myself and obtain more motivation to change some things myself–like writing that ebook I always talk about writing. I know I could probably sell it and at least earn enough to move–maybe. But my motivation to write or create anything is gone. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don’t even want to blog or read. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even feel like looking for a sad picture for this post.
I feel like maybe something very dark, some hidden or unseen outcropping of the Himalayan-sized mountain range of my abandonment trauma got triggered during my HeartSync week that wasn’t fully resolved or fully released. I remember feeling like there was more I had to get out, but there wasn’t enough time to work on that.
I’m having lots of doubts about my faith too, which alarms me. I feel like I need to call these two people in Chapel Hill really soon. I also want my copy of Pete Walker’s “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” back. My therapist has had it for months and I doubt has even read it. I think I’m going to ask him to bring it back, because I sure could use the advice in it right now.
I didn’t want to write anything tonight. But I wanted to be honest. So there you go. That’s where I’m at. I’m going to put on my light therapy lamp for awhile and just try to relax and talk to God even if he’s AWOL at the moment. Then go to sleep.