Honesty.

I’m not going to lie.   I’ve been feeling pretty down and out about everything the past few days.   Maybe it’s the letdown after “returning to reality” last week, or maybe it’s another huge pocket of pain coming to the surface that needs release.    I know what I can do about that.   I can meet my two new friends in Chapel Hill who have promised to work with me on that, but I have to set up a whole day to make the 4-hour drive there and back, and spend several hours in therapy.

My depression could be due to the sudden arrival of “winter”– all the leaves are finally gone, it’s suddenly cold and the days are unbearably short.   I spent the entire day curled up on the couch with a blanket eating junk food staring at my box TV, watching episodes of “Pitbulls and Parolees” on Animal Planet and crying during and after every heartwarming/heartbreaking episode.  And I don’t even like Pitbulls!  My pitiful little two foot tall fiber optic Christmas tree sitting in the corner by the window seemed to mock me.  Where’s my Christmas spirit? I have none right now.  And I don’t care.

Several real world issues (like terrible water pressure caused by years of incompetent jimmy-rigged plumbing in a 108 year old house that all needs to be redone and will cost thousands of dollars that my landlord doesn’t want to spend and I certainly don’t have)–things that aren’t really disasters but have the potential to become disasters aren’t helping.   I’m trying to work out solutions to these seemingly impossible dilemmas but don’t have the motivation or energy to do very much except complain and whine about how awful and annoying they are.  I almost don’t care.   The whole house is falling apart anyway.   The landlord does nothing.  I just want to move.  But that’s not looking like it’s in the immediate future either.

I’m getting older and feeling increasingly helpless and adrift in life unless things begin to change or I get a handle on myself and obtain more motivation to change some things myself–like writing that ebook I always talk about writing.  I know I could probably sell it and at least earn enough to move–maybe.   But my motivation to write or create anything is gone.  All I want to do is eat and sleep.  I don’t even want to blog or read.  I don’t want to do anything.   I don’t even feel like looking for a sad picture for this post.

I feel like maybe something very dark, some hidden or unseen outcropping of the Himalayan-sized mountain range of my abandonment trauma got triggered during my HeartSync week that wasn’t fully resolved or fully released.   I remember feeling like there was more I had to get out, but there wasn’t enough time to work on that.

I’m having lots of doubts about my faith too, which alarms me.    I feel like I need to call these two people in Chapel Hill really soon.   I also want my copy of Pete Walker’s “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” back.  My therapist has had it for months and I doubt has even read it.   I think I’m going to ask him to bring it back, because I sure could use the advice in it right now.

I didn’t want to write anything tonight.  But I wanted to be honest.  So there you go.  That’s where I’m at.   I’m going to put on my light therapy lamp for awhile and just try to relax and talk to God even if he’s AWOL at the moment.  Then go to sleep.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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11 Responses to Honesty.

  1. nowve666 says:

    It kind of sounds like postpartum depression. I think you need to rest. After all that exaltation, your body and spirit are tired. Have a nice, long sleep and replenish yourself. Perhaps you also built up expectations of always being on that kind of high. That happens to me. You feel disappointed in yourself for not being able to maintain it. And that makes you feel even worse. And, of course, the stuff you brought up during that weekend that isn’t fully resolved is still there for you to have to deal with. Lots of stuff. Take it easy. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

    • luckyotter says:

      This seems to happen to me after any kind of vacation or “escape from reality” that goes on for a week or so. I felt that way after I returned from Florida too. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing things like that, but maybe there’s something there that’s trying to get my attention. Like that my day to day life just isn’t really working for me. Having SAD makes it all worse.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Aura Gael says:

    Sorry you’re feeling so bad. Sort of beside the point and I know you didn’t ask but was wondering if you could ‘meet’ with your friends from Chapel Hill on Skype. It’s completely free, (with your internet of course) and you can see each other and you don’t have to drive.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. nikitalondon says:

    ohh Lauren I am sorry you feel so bad. I wish you could do something for you .
    I wish you all the best … and that you get happiness and joy of living . HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  4. qwietpleez says:

    I hope writing out these feelings is cathartic in some way . . . Hugs & Prayers

    Like

  5. Lauren, I have Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD book on my Kindle. I just checked, and I am allowed to loan it to someone else. Here is what it says on Amazon:
    “Loan this book to anyone you choose. Complete the following and click Send now to loan your book. The recipient does not need a Kindle to accept this book. The publisher has set the following lending terms: this book can be loaned once for a duration of 14 days.
    When you click the “Send now” button, Amazon.com will send an e-mail to the recipient with your personalized message (if applicable). If the loan is not accepted within 7 days, it will automatically be returned to you. You will not be able to read this book while it is on loan.”

    I am going to email this to you right now. ((HUG))

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you but there is no need to do that. I can pick it up thisweek, and the only reason I didn’t get it back sooner is I forgot to ask and he probably forgot. But I appreciate your thinking of me, right now I am very tired and just going to sleep. Sweet dreams! ❤ But I apprcciate the kind gesture!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Phil says:

    I know the feeling all too well. I just returned from a holiday about a week ago and felt it, but I pretty much expected it and made sure to see my therapist a few days after returning.

    It hit me hardest last year when I was on a truly life changing holiday. I forgot who I was and really enjoyed myself so much, but then when I returned home everything was still the same. I actually ended up in hospital again after that little vacation.

    I’d suggest taking your friends up on their offer of help. Clear the day and get out to see them!! What helped me most is trying my hardest to get outside of my own head, because the more anxious thoughts I had just gave me more reasons to be anxious which then lead to the depressive thoughts etc etc.

    Distraction is a powerful tool. Hope you feel better soon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I love vacations but it’s so hard to re-adjust. I think it’s worse when you’re not satisfied with your daily life, and I’m not. I’m still grateful to have those times away though. It will pass, just as the winter SAD will pass too. Can’t wait for spring (or at least the lengthening days).

      Liked by 1 person

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