Depression is happiness.

I’m so depressed I had to call in sick at work and set up an emergency therapy session this afternoon.  I couldn’t sleep last night at all.   I’m crying almost all the time.    This is more than just SAD.  That never got THIS bad before, even though it’s probably contributing to it.  My therapist thinks I’ve slammed headlong into the “void” and have lost all my usual defenses without anything to fill the hole yet and that’s why I feel like I’m losing my mind.    I know this is probably “good” and means I’ve made more progress but it sure doesn’t feel that way right now.   I have to keep telling myself this is not permanent.   I feel like what’s happening is some sort of grieving process.  But what exactly I’m grieving I’m not sure.

I did see this post this morning and it made me feel a tad better.   Maybe it can help someone else too.

Depression Is Happiness

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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30 Responses to Depression is happiness.

  1. Marcus says:

    thoughts are with you this morning. hang on.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praying for you. ((HUG))

    Liked by 1 person

  3. vickigoodwin says:

    I hope you can climb out of this depression soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I believe, when I am in a place where I’m not sure what I’m grieving, that the grief is for lost potential: some barely imagined future that hooked my hope for a moment. I also believe that the deepest depressions come when we no longer welcome hope because we are exhausted from the seemingly inevitable fall that comes after the rigors of the climb out of the last hole.

    Not that understanding it helps much, but I find that distracting myself with something as simple and mundane as washing the dishes, sometimes gives moments of relief, which does.

    My prayers are that you can find a way to keep on keepin’ on.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Susan says:

    same here..i cry all the time and feel a deep grieving , mourning.. I am aware ..oh wow I am actually grieving! and yet I have no answer for who or what that is…not to get ‘biblical’ on you.. but this may be about a condition of all humans
    as it says
    all nations
    “will mourn as if for a firstborns death”
    it says even men.. women.. everyone.. will cry in that same manner
    and Jesus knew…and as I search internet so many are going through the same thing religious or not.. saying they are grieving crying all the time deeply and bitterly but have no fill in the blank.. they don’t know who or why
    and Jesus said ALL will do that…if they ever heard of Him or not,it is true..
    its a shift… for all humans now.. we have all had enough!
    he said right after that you will see the sign… of the son of man coming…I read in amny other ancient texts this sign is a red dot.. afar off… (its why hindus wear red dot too)
    it gets near.. even a nasa scientist said.. if you see it its already “too late”(kolbrin-the destroyer read account) its directly related to us and our doings ..in our souls not just some random cosmic event..
    many joy when they see it..it is a true event for humanity and their souls…kolbrin even states our emotions at the time determine if it takes us down or not….”the stout hearted will not go down”
    its also in mother shiptons prophecies…and she also describes how our feelings inside determine this cosmic event.. and even make it come… specifically by “passing it on the inside” we MAKE it come.. it says by humans panicking and crying and passing it inside and not being able to smile etc.. they “pass”it inside an that causes Gods anger.. and he sends it to earth… (when we feel it inside it was destroying heaven) …
    we are getting marked at this time it says on our foreheads (unseen) by angels.. “all those who grieve for this city mark them and those do not destroy”
    the Spirit is seeing now who is sincere and who just passes it and says “whew glad that’s over” (that’s what shiptons says makes it come)
    this is a real grieving process then!

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I have heard this darkness called a “dark night of the soul,” and it comes before a spiritual awakening or epiphany. I don’t know if that’s what it is, but I definitely feell like a whole bunch of defenses have come tumbling down. That can’t be a bad thing, but at the moment it feels like the end of the world. I know that’s just a perception though, not the way things really are. I’m going to keep plugging away and not give up. I guess that’s what makes people like us strong – we can face our demons and stare them in the face and fight them. Many people can’t. I think of my mother and my ex as people who will never be able to, and that’s very sad for them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        I’m sorry for the agony you are in right now. SAD might be a time pregnant with the possibility of deep insight. This last spring my despair was unspeakable and dark and hopeless. It was as if all the un-grieved things in my life caught up with me and landed and held me in a vice grip. For years I was not in a safe place for these things to land. IT was unmourned sorrow that I couldn’t own and experience lest I suffocate under the load. But my days were so caught up with survival I couldn’t stop to feel anything. Rather I moved hither and yon with homelessness yapping at my feet, desperate to find some life boat where I could survive the waters of poverty.

        When I found that life boat of housing that I couldn’t be evicted out of, at a time I should have been happiest, a shadow crossed the sun and blotted it out. All of spring was dark like that and part of summer too. I’ve had to ask my soul this question, “what is it you want me to know? What is it I need to pay attention to? What are you trying to tell me?” That dark time is one of great possibility to go deep, deep deep into your core and connect to your Creator and hear that voice in you that knows what you should do…. Mary Oliver’s words come to mind “and one day you know just what you should do” And you will know.

        Its an invitation, to go deeper than you’ve ever gone before into healing and freedom. I wish the path weren’t so strewn with sorrow, but I know no other way to be stripped of defenses that you speak of

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          That’s what I’m trying to do, Katie. It’s better today. I will write more tomorrow. Have you ever heard of something called a dark night of the soul? What you describe sounds like that-and if handled properly, it can be the darkness before the dawn when everything becomes clear.

          Liked by 1 person

          • katiesdream2004 says:

            Yes, I’ve heard that phrase and it makes the most sense. Tremendous breakthrough came to me this fall, a real and miraculous change. I think now that the pain I was in prepared me to embrace the change, to push through walls that kept me hidden away in an orphan spirit.

            I emerged different, like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, but in the cocoon you feel like you are suffocating in pain. The truth is that your wings are developing!

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Jim says:

    Could be the SAD.

    My wife used to get inexplicably depressed, like really bad- I’d have to take her grocery shopping when were dating because she couldn’t think straight and function enough to shop, from September to February every year in the northeast.

    And there were no bad circumstances, just the season. Her MD told her to move to Phoenix.

    So we moved to Arizona and poof- never a hint of any problems with that again, and it’s been 13 years now.

    You might want to try a light therapy device, they’ve been proven to help.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Lisa says:

    It is really hard to experience an extremely deep depression, crying all the time and not being able to sleep at night.
    It is probable worse to have the feeling you are losing your mind, even though you know this feeling is temporary.

    Sometimes when I feel a deep sadness, it is as if those feelings will never go away, although I know that they will. One thing that helps me is to acknowledge them: “I am feeling (…sad…) right know and it is ok”. I had to learn to accept my feelings and emotions without judging them and it feels good.

    -Hugs-

    PS: Thank you so much for your last reply that you wrote yesterday. I have not been able to answer your post yet but I wanted to let you know that your posts and comments are very helpful and I appreciate them a lot.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Susan says:

      I have done that too, too many times to count (acknowledge the feelings and say its ok) and .. we HAVE to do that to get through the day, we have to be at work and face people or get through chores..what I found is that when I do that..it comes back later and hits me ten times harder and then I feel defeated so then I ALSO acknowledge that it will come back harder later! that way I can also deal better then instead of lying to myself (which I didn’t know was a lie!) that itll be ok, and that I am getting STRONGER AND BETTER at handling it.. when instead…it does come back around harder.that way I do not feel defeated.. I am expecting it..
      that way..its not as bad and that’s where the true strength is.. its all in steps..
      so acknowledging is a step
      it comes back harder…
      acknowledge that too even at the time you push it away/console/numb it.. to get through the day…instead of oh no not this again I feel so bad and weak and defeated,its “oh its you again I know”
      sometimes we cant literally cry all day, we have to be at work.. I quit a job.. it was excruciating.. I didn’t know at all what to do to handle it.. I risked literally crying randomly for no reason ion front of customers and id be mortified if that ever happened. if someone asked where the bathroom was I was on the very verge of instant tears.because I was holding it all in trying to pass it.. it was a nightmare.
      being home alone all day I am financially ruined.. but I can go through all these steps and I have a supportive husband even though we aren’t living as married and all that…just on paper but we care about each other..if not for him I do believe id be on the street. I have nowhere to go.. I should at this age be able to make a way… to accept help and reach out etc… I have friends and people who would say ok you can be here and I just wouldn’t even do that.. so.. but im not young anymore.. I realize I would fo rthe first time accept help..if I had to. the world is too scary and dangerous to me right now…I have the blinders off….
      yesterday a man asked me for my phone number from his car.. I was walking from the shopping center..normally I panic, turn red ,..shake.. and feel ptsd.. but I said F off you a-hole.. for the first time ever and I felt so good although as usual I was shaking for a good 30 minutes after I was home….while my brain wasn’t even acknowledging it..
      my ex who was the abusive narc said “be careful when your thoughts and emotions don’t match”
      my abuser is suddenly taken role of expert…….. I just cant take it,they cling like glue in all your spaces

      Liked by 2 people

      • luckyotter says:

        Good for you for telling that stalker off! You being able to confront him with righteous anger instead of fear is progress. 🙂
        I’m glad you have a supportive partner who can be there for you. I don’t have that but I do have a good therapist and an adult daughter who has been very empathetic and a very good listener, very supportive. Not that I want to dump everything on her, but she’s an adult and I think it was ok to talk to her.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lisa says:

        Hi Susan,

        I am so sorry to hear that the feeling comes back harder later. It is good that you have found a way to deal with it. Coming from a dysfunctional family, my feelings were not acknowledged. My family mocked me when I showed negative emotions. Learning to validate my feelings as an adult was a big step. It is not always easy as sometimes feelings of sadness may come at the wrong time and I feel ashamed of myself because I cannot control them. Being in tears in front of a narcissist is the worst thing that can happen to as it makes me a target for more abuse.

        It is nice to read that you and your husband care for each other. All of us will get some kind of physical or psychological condition someday, some of us sooner and others later. It can happen to anyone. It does not matter if it happens to us or to our partners. Besides, financial resources do not define an individual’s value or character. IMO, it does not really matter who brings the money home, as long as the relationship is a give and take and both people support each other in other areas (e.g. emotionally, housework, etc.)
        Nowadays, in our self-centered western culture, having a helpful, supportive partner seems to be unusual.

        Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      That’s what I’m trying to do. Focus in on the feelings and embrace them and let myself feel them. It’s funny that I can almost see myself as if from a distance at the same time feeling them fully. I noticed it’s almost a physical pain or a tightness, focused on my abdomen and up into my chest area. Crying relieves some of the tightness.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. cyranny says:

    Sending warm loving thoughts… I hope you find the strength to fight the darkness… I know how deep it can seem 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  9. bluertide says:

    My thoughts are with you. I understand how you’re feeling. In one day last December my entire mind crumbled. I lost all coping skills. I ended up in bed for months crying, and then confined myself to my house for months after. I had been doing pretty good for years and I just broke into a thousand pieces. And you can’t explain it to anyone who hasn’t felt it. I’m still struggling. I have had a pretty dark week myself, always on the verge of tears. I try to beg my mind and emotions to just function like other people do. You are not alone, although I know that sentiment doesn’t always help. But you are brave and strong, it shows all over your writing. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to fall apart in order to grow. Tomorrow will come, so will the day after. And eventually we see light again.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I hope since writing this post you are feeling much better. Love and hugs. x

    Liked by 1 person

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