Storm approaching.

Posted on July 9, 2016 by luckyotter

What the sky looked like as tonight’s thunderstorm rolled in.

Too much of a good thing?

Posted on July 8, 2016 by luckyotter

thunderstorm_photo

This summer’s weather has been crazy. All of June was very dry in my part of the county (western NC), barely any rain at all. April and May were dry as well, which is unusual since normally these are two of the wettest months (November and early December are generally wetter though–or they seem to be).

My grass was turning brown and my flowers were dying. It’s been nice not having to mow the yard every weekend (or really, at all!) but the prospect of drought and possible wildfires was not a pleasant one. Like people all over this region, I prayed for rain. But day after day passed with not a drop.

I suppose God got irritated with all the constant rain requests, because for the past three days we’ve been hit every evening with not just rain–but downpours of almost Biblical proportions, complete with thunder, lightning, hail, and very high winds. Last night and the night before, we had severe thunderstorm warnings and these storms were a little scary! Last night’s storm produced flooding rain and the wind was gusting at 65mph, enough to blow the lightweight furniture off my porch and knock over a few of my potted plants. My cats came running inside when they heard the clap of thunder, cowering and their poor fur standing on end.

Tonight is predicted to be much the same. Right now, it’s calm but we’re under a severe storm watch and storms are popping up on the radar all over the region. And it doesn’t look like this pattern is going to end anytime soon. Check out this week’s forecast.

weather_forecast2

Think stuff promoted to kids today encourage bad behavior? Think again.

Posted on July 7, 2016 by luckyotter

If you think we’ve reached a pinnacle of questionable marketing to kids, check out this 1938 novelty catalog. Almost every ad promotes antisocial behavior of some kind. By the way, the website I found it on (retrospace.org) is incredibly addictive. (That’s why I haven’t posted in almost 2 days!)

http://www.retrospace.org/2013/03/catalogs-31-irresponsible-1938-novelty.html#more

Grey-rocking: if you can’t go No Contact.

Posted on July 6, 2016 by luckyotter

Lately I’ve been hearing a new term in the narcissistic abuse community: grey rocking. I don’t know if it’s a new term or not, but I haven’t heard it before.

How to Grey Rock a Narcissist.

It’s always best to go No Contact (or Very Low Contact) with the narcissists in your life, if it’s at all possible. But sometimes it isn’t. For example, you may have underage children with your narcissist and shared custody of them. Or your boss or a coworker may be a narcissist and you’re not willing to leave your job. Or you may be in a marriage or relationship with one, have no options for leaving right now and are biding your time until you can save enough money to leave. Or perhaps you’re still living at home with narcissistic parents and don’t have a place to go yet.

In these types of situations, you probably are not able to go completely No Contact (or even VLC in some cases) but you still need a way to keep the narcissist and their manipulations at bay. Fortunately there is a solution. It’s called grey-rocking.

Grey rocking means acting like a grey rock: being completely boring and uninteresting. It means going emotionally No Contact even if you can’t physically do so. It isn’t the silent treatment though. Giving a narcissist the silent treatment will send them over the deep end and they may up the ante. You have to be more sneaky (you have to think almost like the narcissist!)

So when the narcissist is trying to get information from you or is love bombing or trying to hoover you, what you do is talk about something boring, like the weather, or how much your car needs an oil change, or how expensive milk is these days. Change whatever sensitive or personal subject they bring up to something unrelated, impersonal, and dull. If you can, try to make a getaway. You can tell them you have an appointment and can’t stay around to chat. If the narcissist has been eyeing you as potential prey, grey rocking them will make them lose interest and they will move on to greener pastures. After a quick and boring exchange, POLITELY make your exit.

If you’re already prey (for example, if you’re living with a narcissist), grey rocking will be trickier and may take longer to work. Don’t lose patience or give up. Keep at it and eventually your emotional unavailability will frustrate them to the point they may throw a temper tantrum initially, but you’re not actually being mean or ignoring them so they can’t rage too much without seeming childish and unreasonable (yeah, I know, they already are). Don’t allow them to push any of your buttons. Show no emotional reaction to anything they say, no matter how hard this is to do. If you keep at this, eventually they’ll grow bored, give up and discard YOU as they begin to look for a new source of supply (you have to be prepared for that).

Here are two examples of grey rocking in two different types of exchanges.

In a work/casual situation:

Narcissist Coworker (looking for a juicy tidbit to start a nasty rumor about you using triangulation): So, how did you and Tim like working together? Personally I can’t stand him. I think he’s an idiot in over his head. I hear he likes you though. (winks on the word “likes”)

You: Oh, do you know if it’s supposed to rain tomorrow? I completely forgot to check the weather forecast this morning.

Narcissist Coworker: (shrugs) I dunno…So, anyway, Martha was saying…

You: Hey, listen, it was great talking to you. (looking at your watch) But I have to run because I’m already late for my appointment.

Narcissist Coworker (perking up): Appointment? What kind of appointment?

You: (pulling out phone and pretending to look for a number): It was great chatting but I gotta make sure they hold my appointment. (Wave cheerfully, turn around and walk away and start talking into the phone as if someone’s on the other end).

****

In a more intimate relationship:

Narcissist Husband: You know, you really act crazy sometimes. Even our neighbors noticed the way you acted at that dinner party last night and asked me if you had a “problem.” I didn’t know what to say.

You: Oh, really? Well, listen, I’m on my way out to a meeting so I can’t stay and chat with you about this.

Narcissist Husband: Wait just one minute! I’m not finished. Why are you avoiding the issue. This is very important!

You: I feel just fine. Don’t worry about me. I really have to go to that meeting. Let’s talk about this later.

Narcissistic Husband (projecting): There you go, denying you have a problem. Always thinking it’s me with the problem saying I’m worrying too much. I don’t worry too much. I love you. I’m only trying to help you. You act like you’re afraid of me.

You: I know you love me. But seriously, I’m required to be there in 15 minutes. You know how much my boss hates it when anyone is late. I don’t want to get chewed out. (you turn to go out the door).

Narcissist Husband: Wait! (running after you). I’m not finished!

You (getting in the car and waving): See you later!

Narcissist Husband turns around and storms back into the house, slamming the door.

Obviously, the second situation is a lot more tricky and you will have to face him later. The “meeting” you’re attending is bogus, but it will give you a chance to get out and think about how to deal with him later. (You can also use these escapes to plan your permanent escape!)

When you get home, keep changing the subject or “getting distracted” by other things so he never has a chance to make any headway and eventually the subject will be dropped (saying you’re tired and going to bed is a good distraction–be sure to yawn a lot!). Talk about things you know bore him, like your book club or the cute shoes your friend wore at lunch. Always keep them impersonal–for example, don’t mention how much YOU want those cute shoes.

Naturally he will try to upset you or press your buttons. Count to a thousand if you must, but show no emotional reaction (remember, your reactions are his fuel). Try to remain as calm and cheerful as you can (even if you want to throttle him, which is probably the case)–you don’t want him to suspect anything! Remind yourself this is only temporary until you find a better solution (a way to leave). Of course, this scenario will play itself out many times before he gives up on you. But he isn’t going to stick around too long if you’re not giving him any opportunity to feed off your emotions. But by the time that happens, you may already be gone.

****

Further Reading:

Going Grey Rock With a Narcissist

Monday Melody: Wild Wild Life (Talking Heads)

Posted on July 5, 2016 by luckyotter

Back in the day (late 70s and most of the 1980s), the Talking Heads were among my favorite new wave bands. “Wild Wild Life” was one of those songs (“Psycho Killer” was another) that I couldn’t get enough of. I first heard it in David Byrne’s independent film project, “True Stories” in 1986 and went out and bought the album of the same name. I kept playing “Wild Life” on repeat until I had to purchase a new copy of the album. My copy was on vinyl–CDs were new on the market but hadn’t overtaken LP sales yet.

At the time I was a young newlywed and I still thought I’d married a good man. My new husband hadn’t started showing his true colors yet (or I just didn’t see or chose not to see the red flags). I remember being incredibly flattered because he often compared my looks with Tina Weymouth, the bassist for the band (and in fact, in those days I did resemble her).

So without further ado, here’s my 1986 earworm. Yes, that is a young John Goodman (of Roseanne fame) in the video–he appeared in the David Byrne film and some movie scenes are in this video.

Narc chuckles.

Posted on July 5, 2016 by luckyotter

Admit it, narcissism can be funny! I found a few new cartoons I haven’t seen before and thought I’d post ’em here. Enjoy. If you find them offensive, get over yourself 😉

‘Are you googling your own name again?’

‘That’s enough about me, now let’s concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?’

The narcissist game of “Gotcha!”

Posted on July 4, 2016 by luckyotter

An earlier post of mine described the 8 mind-games that narcissists all love to play. (Please be aware this was actually a reblog of someone else’s post). One of the more popular games, played by both covert and overt (grandiose) narcissists is “Gotcha!”

“Gotcha!” can be played two different ways, but both have the same devastating effect on the narcissist’s opponent (victim). Both are intended to bring your mood down as low as it can go and at the same time, reward the narcissist with supply (which you provide with your emotional reaction) which makes them feel better about themselves.

Here are the two versions of “Gotcha!”

Bug.

dead-bug

This game is most popular with overt narcissists because it allows them to exercise their grandiosity and turn it into a handy weapon and suction tube for feeding.

In “Bug,” the victim always goes first. You start the game by feeling down, depressed, or worthless after some misfortune. The narcissist is good at faking empathy and love bombs you by spreading that phony sh*t on thick. Eventually you let your guard down and confide in the narcissist all your woes, misfortunes, and feelings of dejection. You tell them your whole life story, feeling like you have found a kind shoulder to cry on. A patient, empathic person who cares about you and wants to help you.

Not so fast, there! Your narcissist is already planning their next move, and it has about as much to do with empathy as a Canadian Mountie has to do with a Taliban terrorist. What is that next move, you ask? They’re about to pull a bait and switch on you. The next time you confide in them about losing your home, your spouse, your job, or your mental health, they will callously “share” with you all about the exotic vacation they’re planning to take, the big promotion they just got, or the new romantic partner in their lives. They will crow about how blessed they are (“blessed” is a favorite term used by narcissists as a subtle envy-generator) and how unfair it is that others aren’t as fortunate as they are (this last is a snide put down, implying that you’re not one of the chosen people that God has chosen to shower his bounty on).

Of course you’re not an envious person, but hearing all about their perfect, blessed life at a time like this when you are suffering is too much. The narcissist doesn’t care. In fact, they may actually be lying to you about all those wonderful things. They want to see you suffering and envious of them, because (1) your suffering provides them with a comparative ego boost (hey, at least they’re not as unfortunate as YOU!) and (2) your envy inflates their ego even more. They feed off your pain like a pig rolling in slop.

To them, you are just a bug, not worthy of respect or any real compassion. Maybe they’ll getcha with some pitying contempt though: “Oh, I feel so SORRY for you!” It’s intention is to make you feel shame. When you’re already down, expect to be stepped on and squished under the heel of the narcissist’s boot until there’s nothing left of you.

Wet Blanket.

wet-blanket

This is a game almost always played by covert narcissists. The tactics used to win the game are very different than “Bug,” but the end goal is the same: to make you feel like shit.

As in “Bug,” you (the victim) begin the game. (Of course you don’t know it’s a game, but that doesn’t matter.) You think you’ve found a friend in the narcissist because they seem so interested in you. You just found out some great news–you got that promotion, your book is going to be published, you just found out you’re pregnant after months of trying, you won the lottery.

Naturally the narcissist doesn’t like your good news. To them, it is very bad news, because in their minds, the good fortune of someone else diminishes them. Life to them is a zero sum game. There can only be one winner and it has to be them. For something good to happen to you means it didn’t happen to them which means they hate your guts because you have something which they do not. It doesn’t even have to be something they want: the fact you have something good at all is an affront to them. They must find a way to ruin it for you and in effect, bring you down closer to being as miserable as they are (evening the score).

So after a phony congratulations (maybe), the narcissist becomes a concern troll. Out of “concern” for you (and always for your own good), he or she just has to “warn” you about the dark side of your good fortune (and if possible find a way to put you down too, or tell you why it doesn’t count). So if you got a promotion, you’ll get a speech about how much harder you’ll have to work and how you’ll probably lose all your friends stil in lower positions. Or you’ll be told why your promotion doesn’t really count because it’s one of those “honorary” titles or it’s really just a “lateral” move. If your book just got accepted by a publisher, you’ll be told that publisher is a crook or their business is failing and you’ll never see your royalties; if you found out you’re pregnant they’ll tell you all about how horrible pregnancy is and about all the drudgery and loss of freedom you’ll be facing; if you won the lottery, they’ll trot out stories about people whose lives were ruined after winning the lottery or they’ll remind you that “you did nothing to earn it; it’s only chance–I could have won too!”

Of course, after you listen to the narcissist’s “advice,” your heart will feel heavy and your smile might have disappeared. You might even be gnawing the sides of your fingernails in anxiety over all the things that could go wrong. Checkmate! The narcissist won and now he can feed off your new worries too.

A variation of “Wet Blanket” is actually the mirror-image of “Bug.” After you’ve shared your great news, the narcissist brings down your mood by telling you how terrible their own life is and how they never get any breaks at all. The intention is to make you feel guilty for having so much while they have so little.

Whether it’s guilt, shame or envy the narcissist is trying to induce in you doesn’t matter. They just can’t stand to see anyone happy and must take you down to their level or obliterate you like a bug if you’re already down.

Clearing my head.

Posted on July 3, 2016 by luckyotter

I needed to clear my head today. Sitting around the house does me no good at all and it’s easy to sink into negative emotions like depression and worry. I knew I had to get out for awhile. Fortunately I live very close to the Blue Ridge Parkway, so I decided to take a nice long Sunday drive. I decided to go up into the Black Mountains, part of the Blue Ridge just north and east of Asheville.

I drove about 60 miles, to Green Knob, which is about 15 miles past Mt. Mitchell (at 6,683 feet, it is the highest peak on the East Coast, even higher than Mt. Washington in New Hampshire). I was going to go up to Mt. Mitchell and take some pictures, but I took one look at the line of traffic on the off road going up there and said, “no way.” There are other spots just as nice.

The drive up there is always interesting. As you climb, you feel your ears pop, and the air gets noticeably cooler. I was able to turn off my A/C and roll down the windows and breathe in the fresh mountain air. After awhile, the deciduous trees get shorter and stumpier, until they are mere twisted shrubs. Craggy Gardens is filled with these stunted little trees and lots of wild rhododendrons, which are native to this area. When they’re in full bloom, they have beautiful, big lavender clusters of flowers. Right now they’re just dark green.

Climb a little higher, and the deciduous trees and shrubs are completely replaced by conifers. I’ve been told the climate up here is similar to southern Canada. There’s a lot of ice and snow here in the winter and this part of the Parkway is usually closed off during the cold months. Mt. Mitchell itself is covered with the skeletons of the Frasier firs, which were indigenous to this area but died off about 30 years ago due to an aphid infestation. But it isn’t all bare–there are other types of conifers that are surviving quite nicely.

On the drive home, it rained a little–some of the photos here show the building up of the storm clouds. I got home and felt much more at peace. Spending time with nature always has that affect on me. Here are the rest of the photos I took today.

I think this might be what heaven looks like.

Posted on July 2, 2016 by luckyotter

These pictures were taken on a beach in the Maldives (no, I didn’t take them–I don’t know who the photographer is), where the plankton in the water makes the beaches there glow. These photos are not tampered with. I think this is probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I must find a way to go there someday!

The organisms responsible for the magical glow.

These photos appeared on the Twitter account @ThatBucketList

Why Hillary Clinton must pick Bernie Sanders as VP.

Posted on July 2, 2016 by luckyotter

I always try to refrain from posting anything too politically partisan on this blog, but this is too important not to talk about, so I’m breaking my rule here.

I don’t like Hillary Clinton. I was and am a Bernie Sanders supporter. Like Bernie, I’m not afraid to admit my political leanings are “democratic socialist.” There’s nothing wrong with the S word in my book. Right wing conservatives have twisted its meaning into something resembling Communism, which it is not. “Democratic socialism” is the dominant ideology in Canada and western and central Europe. One of our greatest presidents, Franklin D. Roosevelt, was also a democratic socialist, and lifted this country out of the Depression and indeed, “made America great again.” I always wondered what was so great about the crass ~~narcissism~~ capitalism that’s been taking over America like a cancer for the past 3-4 decades and stealing from the poor and middle class to provide welfare to big corporations and the wealthy. But anyway, I’m not going to get into that any further here.

Like many non-conservatives (I hesitate to call myself a “Democrat,” because in recent years, the party has come to stand for nothing at all except maybe watered down conservatism), I’m tempted to sit out this election, because of my personal feelings about Ms. Clinton. But if everyone does that, Trump will win by default! That’s a scary, scary prospect for reasons many of you are already aware of. The man is a sociopathic, xenophobic, malignant narcissist. Even mental health professionals point to him as a poster boy for severe NPD. The prospect of him becoming our next president is truly frightening.

If Hillary doesn’t choose Bernie as her running mate, a lot of liberals are once again going to not bother voting–and write in their votes for Bernie, if they do anything. Bernie came out of nowhere and became incredibly popular among Millennials in particular, who were (and still are!) almost rabid in their support of him. Whether you agree with Bernie’s agenda or not, his motives seem honest and he knew how to use social media (especially Twitter) to his advantage, attracting the younger generation, who are this country’s future.

If Hillary is as as smart as she seems to be, she will choose Bernie Sanders as her running mate because then those liberals who otherwise would not vote (and let Trump win by default) will get out there and vote for her (even if they have to hold their nose while doing it). Of course, Sanders also has to agree to accept a vice presidential position (or other cabinet position) under Hillary, even if she should choose him. #VOTEFORHILLARY #BERNIEFORVP

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What do you think? Let’s talk politics.