I think this song by BØRNS might help with my black mood I described in my last post. It makes me want to get up and dance.
Not all new music is bad. Some indie stuff like this is quite good. Never mind the obvious illuminati symbolism halfway through the video.
When I feel like this, the only way I can cope is to write.
I had one of my “black mornings.” I don’t get them every day, but when I do get them, they are overwhelming.
I’m getting less of them than I used to, but even one is too much.
I wake up into whiteness. My white blinds reflect the blue white snow that fell three days ago but the shadowless brightness hurts my eyes and mocks the darkness that rises like a miasma and permeates every cell in my body. I lie on my bed and pull the covers up over my head to keep out the daylight. I close my eyes tight. I will myself to fall back to sleep.
I can’t sleep. Thoughts that are blacker than black filter through my consciousness. They seem to arise from a bottomless pit located somewhere in my upper abdomen. They swirl like a cesspool or a black hole or a slow-moving tornado in my soul: thoughts of death, sickness, poverty, loss, and emptiness suck any lesser, lighter thoughts in with them and consume them like food.
Two words reverberate in my atrophied soul: No Future.
I try to will tears to empty myself of this horrible dread and hopelessness, but the backs of my retinas only burn and my eyes remain dry as tinder. I move my consciousness on the pit at the center of my stomach but all I can feel is my heart slamming into my throat. I swallow hard and kick the covers angrily away.
I need to get up. Even if I could sleep I would only wake feeling worse later. Like I wasted a day, and the guilt would consume me.
I look in the mirror on my door. I look like hell. My skin looks grainy. My hair hangs in oily strings. I really need to do something with it. But I know I won’t.
I turn away and go to the kitchen and make some coffee. Strong coffee, milk, no sugar please.
I take it back to my room, drink it. I know I shouldn’t drink coffee given my mental state, but it always calms me for the short term.
The pain is always worse in the morning. Most of the time I can pretend it isn’t there, but it’s always there, waiting in the shadows, ready to sink its tentacles into any mask of sanity I can muster like the flimsy paper covering it really is.
As I write, the darkness retreats. I find some temporary relief. For now, I can fill the void with frivolity and fake cheer.
But the darkness will be back. It always comes back.
I’m really posting these for myself so I remember them later.
“8-)” 😎 “:?” 😕
“=^-^=” 🐱 “o_O” 
“:evil:” 👿 “:'(” 😥
“:twisted:” 😈 “:bear:” 🐻
“:oops:” 😳 “:star:” ⭐
Just type the keys between the ” “
😀 😬 😁 😂 😃 😄 😅 😆 😇
(testing emojis)
Get them here 💃 http://getemoji.com/
I’ve been snowbound for over two days so I’ve had lots of time to blog, and play with this blog when not writing. I think the minor changes I made are an improvement.
1. I simplified the titles in the headers for a cleaner look
2. I edited down some of the text in my header pages to make understanding and navigating them less confusing
3. Besides changing the name of “My Disorders” to “Read About My Crazy,” I added a Seasonal Affective Disorder tab under it (it now joins BPD and AvPD). I don’t have a complex PTSD tab because that would include almost every post I’ve written.
4. I changed the font. I like it better.
Tomorrow I’ll probably be snowed in again (it’s that bad), so I think I’m going to add a new header tab that lists my essays and humorous stories.
I got this GE alarm clock radio in 1983 and it still works perfectly and sounds pretty good too, so it deserved its own post.
Oops. I just saw my old post about this radio. Oh well. It survived another year so it deserves a second post.
My song lists about NPD and BPD are among my most popular posts (and are so much fun to put together), so I think it’s time to post another set. There are so many great songs about Cluster B disorders!
Since it’s sometimes so hard to distinguish lyrics about people with BPD from people with NPD, I’m going to just combine 10 songs I haven’t reviewed before in one new post, and specify which disorder I think is being described in the narrative, and where I’m not sure, I’ll say so.
Wherever possible, I tried to post the lyric videos.
1. The Cars: Dangerous Type
Thanks to Mary Pranzatelli for suggesting this one! This is a great, catchy song, the Cars were one of my favorite bands back in the day. I think this describes a girl with BPD.
2. Three Days’ Grace: Animal I Have Become
Three Days’ Grace (along with Alanis Morrisette) seems to have a lot of songs about personality disordered individuals. This rocker from the early 2000s seems to be sung by a guy with severe or malignant BPD (edging toward sociopathy) who is all too aware of how sick he’s become.
3. Smashing Pumpkins: To Forgive
A dark and poignant lament from a man with either BPD or NPD about the child he was whose soul was destroyed.
4. Of Monsters and Men: Little Talks
Duet where the female singer appears to be suffering from BPD and is having a dialogue about it with her worried lover.
5. The Beatles: Run for Your Life
There are few songs from the 60s about BPD or NPD and The Beatles weren’t a band you expected to write about such dark material anyway, but this lesser known of their songs seems to be about a really jealous guy with malignant NPD or psychopathy.
6. John Lennon: Jealous Guy
Well, related to the above, maybe John Lennon had issues, because he wrote this very pretty ballad about a guy lamenting the way he hurt his lover and he seems to have BPD.
7. Halsey: Gasoline
This woman describes what could be a bad case of self destructive BPD, even though Halsey’s Wikipedia entry says she actually suffers from Bipolar Disorder.
8. Shawn Colvin: Sunny Came Home
A pretty murder ballad about a woman who suffered a BPD psychotic break and snapped. She may have been a psychopath too since the murder was premeditated.
9. Limp Bizkit: Behind Blue Eyes
The singer is clearly a self-aware narcissist. Thanks to Akram for this suggestion!
10. Sia: Breathe Me
Poignant ballad about a young woman suffering with BPD.(Like Halsey above, Sia Furler’s Wikipedia entry states she actually suffers from Bipolar Disorder)
11. Kelly Clarkson: Because of You
Emotional ballad that portrays Clarkson as a young woman who suffers from emotional problems, possibly BPD. I’ve included the regular video because of the story it tells. She meets her child (true) self, who helps her to remember her narcissistic parents who caused her to develop severe self esteem problems. The video is also interesting in that Clarkson is shown periodically in what appears to be a house of mirrors. Clarkson appears to be in tears at the end.
If you enjoyed this post, please check out my other BPD/NPD song lists:
20 Songs About Narcissists (#s 1 — 10)
20 Songs About Narcissists (#s 11 — 20)
12 More Songs About Narcissists, Part one
12 More Songs About Narcissists, Part two
11 Songs About Borderline Personality Disorder
If you have a song suggestion that you don’t see on my lists, please suggest it in the comments and I might include it in a future list.
One of my favorite blogs is and was The Narcissistic Continuum at Blogspot. It’s chock full of helpful information and support for narcissistic abuse survivors but at the same time its owner CZBZ avoided a lot of the stigmatizing of people with NPD, recognizing that not all narcs are created equal and not all are inherently evil. It’s also a great-looking blog, very easy on the eyes.
The N-Continuum is a wonderful blog, but CZBZ hasn’t posted anything since May 10th of last year. Does anyone know what happened to her, or if she is alright? I’m worried. I have tried emailing her but haven’t gotten a reply. Maybe someone out there knows something?
CZBZ, if you see this, please reply in the comments or email me, so I know you’re okay.
I feel good about taking action about something I had hesitated about. I can’t stand having to do things like that, but once you do it, you feel relief. I haven’t been out of the house in almost 2 days, due to the weather, and I need to get out, I’m getting cabin fever. So I’m going to take a walk for about an hour in the snow and just forget about all the BS life throws at me.
As a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m not the type to readily confront others on their bad behavior, but at this point, I’ve gotten so fed up with one commenter I no longer care if what I say makes them mad. It appears that lately, this commenter has been criticizing every one of my posts, it seems, just to be able to criticize. This commenter and I have some serious disagreements about several issues related to the content of this blog and life in general, and that’s fine and dandy; I don’t expect or even want everyone to agree with me all the time. After all, my opinions are just opinions, and disagreements, if presented respectfully and in a way that doesn’t seem like spamming or bullying, can can lead to healthy debate.
But this commenter has reached a point where their snarkiness has become trollish and bordering on bullying. Not only that, but this commenter appears to ALWAYS be here, because they always seem to comment almost the minute I put up a new post and are usually one of the first to comment, if not THE first. Yet this person rarely if ever “Likes” anything I post (which is fine in itself, many people don’t use the Like button). But I don’t understand why, if this person dislikes what I have to say so much, they always seem to be here, watching and waiting. It’s creepy to be honest. I feel like I’m being stalked.
Not only is it creepy and hurtful, it’s also incredibly BORING and ANNOYING.
I have informed this person I am almost at the point of not approving any of their comments, because I’m just so damn sick of it. I HATE drama, including online drama, but this is just too much. I need to take action.
If you blog, how do you know if a commenter has crossed the line into trollishness?
The simple answer is: if you feel like your boundaries are being invaded. Here are some things to pay attention to:
1. Do you get a creepy, stalkerish feel from someone who frequents your blog?
2. Do they snark on or criticize almost every post?
3. If they run their own blog, do they post articles about your blog or about you that are excessive and/or critical?
4. Have other bloggers complained to you about that person or have they stopped coming to your blog because that person ran them off?
If any of these things are true for you they are red flags and you should listen to them. The same thing goes online as well as offline, and if someone is making your blogging life less fun and causing you undue stress, please listen to your instincts. There are basically two things you can do if this happens:
1. You can stop approving comments or block that person from commenting.
2. You can try to reason with the person and let them know why their behavior is bothersome to you.
First of all, try to determine if it’s just you overreacting. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re just reacting badly to someone disagreeing with you, but if others have complained, or they are leaving because of that person, or you just feel uncomfortable only with that one person, then it probably isn’t just you being over sensitive. If you’re like me and hate being harsh and like to give people the benefit of the doubt, you can try #2 first. But if the bad behavior continues and your warning seems to fall on deaf ears, then it’s time to take more drastic action. (I have already tried to reason with this person so that leaves me one choice).
At the end of the day, it’s YOUR blog, YOUR rules. If someone continually violates your rules or disrespects you or your other commenters, it’s time to enforce your rules.
Lucky Otters Haven 