“This could never happen in America.”


But it is.

I’m talking about the increasing feeling of unreality and foreboding under this new administration, run by a sociopath that even ten years ago wouldn’t have had a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming president.

I sat, frozen in horror on election night, as I watched more and more states turned red, even states that have traditionally been blue.    I was upset, but I tried to talk myself down, almost convincing myself for a short time that maybe a Trump presidency wouldn’t be so bad.

But the days since his inauguration have been horrifying — and there have only been 7 of them.   One week of a four year reign.

Every day seems worse than the last.   As a nation, we seem to be on the fast track toward fascism, circling around  a looming black hole with little to no chance of escape.   Trump has been compared to Hitler. This is not hyperbole.  The comparison is being made even by intellectually respected sources who don’t usually stoop to sensationalism and fearmongering (or Godwin’s Law) to make a point.   If you doubt me, Google “Trump – Hitler.”    The similarities in both the men themselves and the tactics they are using to rise to power are chilling.

I’ve tried to stay away from the news, but I can’t.   I feel compelled to watch.  I know what this compulsion is:  it’s hypervigilance, a feeling I’m very familiar with.    I no longer feel safe here in America.   I feel like America no longer stands for what it once did, and its Constitution is being undermined a little more every day.  I am terrified, and feel like I have to scan the horizon for danger all the time.    But now I finally realize how someone like Hitler was able to rise to power.  I always wondered how that could have happened.  Now I know.  Along with the horror and feelings of dissociation, is a feeling of helplessness.   It’s incredibly triggering for someone already suffering from C-PTSD — only now it’s on a nationwide, maybe a worldwide, scale.

I can’t come home anymore and just relax.  Nothing is normal anymore.   I feel this NEED TO KNOW what Trump did or said.  During the day, I feel the same undercurrent of fear and hypervigilance I felt being raised by, and then married to, abusers.    And, like being married to an abuser, I never know what to expect.    With each new day, Trump seems to be getting bolder.  His outrageous comments, executive orders, lies, and hatred seem to know no bounds.   I’m very afraid.   I don’t think it’s exaggeration to admit that as a nation, America is in deep shit.

There seems very little that can be done.  We’re careening toward civil war, the removal of any civil liberties or even the right to protest, blatant discrimination and profiling of immigrants from “targeted countries,” even the possibility of nuclear war.   Information that has been freely available to the public is now being silenced, and facts are being denied.  We have a president who truly believes climate change is a myth and ordered the removal of climate change information, smack dab in the middle of the warmest winter on record — beating even 2016, which until this year held that record.

We have a president who lies constantly, who uses Orwellian “newspeak” to his own and his supporters’ advantage,  twisting language so that “lies” are now “alternative facts” and criticism and balanced reporting is “fake news.”    There’s no need for me to list all the insane, hate filled, and untrue things Trump has said, and all the unbelievably heartless and stupid things he is attempting to do, or wants to do.  He only seems to care about keeping his false self inflated, not at all about the American people or the country he’s systematically gutting from within as he claims to “make it great” again.   He is normalizing racism, sexism, authoritarian rule, and even the use of torture on immigrants under the guise of “rejecting political correctness.”

The man’s obvious malignant narcissism makes it possible for him to obsess over the small size of the crowd at his inauguration and then lie about it, and actually have the gall to order an investigation (paid for by the taxpayers) as to why was he didn’t win the popular vote.   Wah wah!   I guess winning the presidency wasn’t enough.   The man is an emotional ticking time bomb, and we should all be very concerned right now.

But I didn’t write this as a rant against Trump.   I don’t hate him because he is a mentally ill person who should never have come within 1000 yards of the presidency.   We allowed that to happen because of our complacency and apathy — and the way we have come to worship those who attained material wealth, no matter how they attained it.     I’m writing this because I’m scared to death. I know I’m not alone.   Every day I grow more afraid.  For all its faults, I never felt unsafe in this country before.   Like everyone else, I guess I took it for granted.  There were certain things that just wouldn’t happen in America — but they are happening now. Blatant fascism is becoming the new normal.   Things that would “never happen” are now more likely to happen than not.

Nothing can be predicted anymore.  Anything could happen.  There’s a new feeling of uncertainty and foreboding–and that awful helplessness–I never felt as an American.    There’s also a surrealness, a sense of dissociation and unreality.    It’s similar to the way I felt after 9/11, only this time it’s not an isolated event; it’s something that’s actually happening and will only grow worse if a miracle doesn’t happen, and soon.  This time we aren’t being brought closer together;  it’s a paradigm shift that will tear us even further apart.    Divide and conquer, is, of course, part of a malignant narcissist’s agenda to gain even more control and power. If 9/11 caused Americans to suffer nationwide PTSD,  a Trump presidency will cause a nationwide epidemic of C-PTSD.

We are so screwed.

My dark thoughts.


When I feel like this, the only way I can cope is to write.
I had one of my “black mornings.” I don’t get them every day, but when I do get them, they are overwhelming.
I’m getting less of them than I used to, but even one is too much.

I wake up into whiteness. My white blinds reflect the blue white snow that fell three days ago but the shadowless brightness hurts my eyes and mocks the darkness that rises like a miasma and permeates every cell in my body. I lie on my bed and pull the covers up over my head to keep out the daylight. I close my eyes tight. I will myself to fall back to sleep.

I can’t sleep. Thoughts that are blacker than black filter through my consciousness. They seem to arise from a bottomless pit located somewhere in my upper abdomen. They swirl like a cesspool or a black hole or a slow-moving tornado in my soul: thoughts of death, sickness, poverty, loss, and emptiness suck any lesser, lighter thoughts in with them and consume them like food.

Two words reverberate in my atrophied soul: No Future.

I try to will tears to empty myself of this horrible dread and hopelessness, but the backs of my retinas only burn and my eyes remain dry as tinder. I move my consciousness on the pit at the center of my stomach but all I can feel is my heart slamming into my throat. I swallow hard and kick the covers angrily away.

I need to get up. Even if I could sleep I would only wake feeling worse later. Like I wasted a day, and the guilt would consume me.

I look in the mirror on my door. I look like hell. My skin looks grainy. My hair hangs in oily strings. I really need to do something with it. But I know I won’t.

I turn away and go to the kitchen and make some coffee. Strong coffee, milk, no sugar please.
I take it back to my room, drink it. I know I shouldn’t drink coffee given my mental state, but it always calms me for the short term.

The pain is always worse in the morning. Most of the time I can pretend it isn’t there, but it’s always there, waiting in the shadows, ready to sink its tentacles into any mask of sanity I can muster like the flimsy paper covering it really is.

As I write, the darkness retreats. I find some temporary relief. For now, I can fill the void with frivolity and fake cheer.
But the darkness will be back. It always comes back.

Mental Illness, Depression, Hating Waking Up in the Morning

I can relate to this so much. I wake up feeling this way at least once or twice a week, if not more. Life seems so much more overwhelming and undo-able upon waking up. I really have no idea why. Sometimes the anxiety can get so intense my heart starts to race and my brain feels like it’s screaming.

This sort of free-floating morning anxiety is common in depression and might be the reason why depressed people often wake early and can’t get back to sleep.   But having these attacks isn’t just limited to depressed people.  It could also happen to people who suffer from anxiety disorders or are just under a lot of stress.

I’ve found the best thing to do when this happens is to get up. Trying to fall back to sleep when you’re feeling this sort of mental anguish will NOT work. You will lay there in your bed feeling panicky and wide awake. Once you get up and start going about your daily activities, no matter how daunting they seem, your anxiety level will decrease significantly.


If you wake up every morning feeling anxiety, depression and completely overwhelmed at the thought of scraping through another day, you are not alone.

Once the day gets going after a few hours, you can get into autopilot mode, or somehow tolerate the things you have to do in order to survive. But upon waking up, you feel like one more day of painful suffering existance might be too much.

You feel alone and like there is something horribly wrong with your life. It is so severe upon opening your eyes in the morning that you cannot imagine anyone else would understand.

You are not alone. This is an important situation that gets worse being left in the darkness. Feel free to express your feelings in the comments here….if you are experiencing…or have ever experienced this.

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