The grandiose, deluded narcissist.

Posted on February 21, 2015 by luckyotter

The website Sociopath World, a blog by and for sociopaths (and psychopaths), is full of intriguing articles and blog posts about sociopathy and related disorders, such as Narcissism.

Naturally, I clicked on the section on Narcissism and among many entries about remorseless criminals, sadistic murderers, and narcissistic psychopaths, I found this hilarious but sad little gem about Mary Roach, a long forgotten American Idol auditionee, a young woman who shows every trait of narcissism you can imagine and is pitifully deluded about her singing ability. If there was ever a poster child for NPD, Mary was it.

The 9 Psychiatrically Recognized Traits of NPD:

–Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
–Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
–Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
–Requires excessive admiration
–Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
–Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
–Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
–Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
–Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

It’s only necessary to have five of these traits to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; Mary appears to have more than five, if not all of them.

I decided to post about poor forgotten Mary Roach rather than another depressing article about a murderer, cult leader, or abusive parent, in part because the subject matter is lighter and even funny in its sad way, but to show just how deluded and out of touch with reality “normal” everyday non-criminal narcissists can be.

Given that reality shows are swarming with narcissists, Mary wasn’t that unusual on a show like this, but even in an environment where narcissistic traits are probably beneficial if not actually necessary, Mary’s particular brand of narcissism stands out for its complete disconnect from any semblance of reality.

I’m also posting the original write up from Sociopath World because it’s so spot on. (Some of the dialogue in the video is most likely scripted, but I have no doubt Mary is very high on the narcissist spectrum).

Famous narcissist? Mary Roach
A friend sent me this. Obviously it’s hilarious, but it’s also a really good example of what if feels like watching a narcissist at work (to all of your narcissist readers that this blog apparently attracts?). There’s something so blatantly ridiculous about the way they act and how disconnected they are from reality.

Mary is absolutely immune to criticism and when confronted with the truth about her singing, she immediately assumes that her critic has a personal issue with her that is driving the criticism as opposed to merely stating the obvious truth. One of the more obvious narcissist qualities is that when the judges start playing with her, she doesn’t fight it or immediately defend herself but plays along. She wants it to seem like she is in on any joke that they might be having and even if the joke is at her expense she would rather have the attention (even negative) than cede the spotlight. When they give her the goodbye, she keeps the conversation going, although it means rehashing their worst criticism of her. She also feels compelled to turn the tables and judge them for their appearances, as being smaller, thinner, prettier, and “hot.” She doesn’t need to criticize them necessarily — it is enough that they seem interested in her assessment of them. Of course they did not ask her for her opinions on them, but she manages to misunderstand a direct question and act as if she has some unique vision that warrants sharing.

It’s so funny to watch this because I know someone who acts exactly this way, even down to the little awkward mannerisms, especially the shrug at 4:50. The world is just not ready enough to appreciate their talents, but ain’t no thing. These people can’t be kept down for long by haters.

Road rage, bumper stickers and narcissism

Posted on February 20, 2015 by luckyotter

Obnoxious potential road ragers on the left and the right. Don’t get close enough to read their stickers or they might brake check you.

I always enjoy reading the articles on Cracked.com. Some are funny, but I also always learn new things I never knew. Today there’s one called called 6 Things That Annoy You Every Day Explained by Science.
Annoying thing #4 is about the epidemic of Road Rage, which seems to keep getting worse.

The article is hilarious as well as informative. The captions under the photos are always priceless too.

“I have important, Quesadilla-related business to attend to.”

Believe it or not, road rage increases with number of bumper stickers the driver has on their car. I see a pattern here. Drivers with bumper stickers are more territorial than other drivers, and my guess is that the more territorial drivers are probably more narcissistic than other drivers too. I would also suspect a narcissist would also be more inclined to road rage than a non-narcissist–because they imagine everyone else is violating their territory. The more bumper stickers, the more narcissistic the driver, and so it follows the most narcissistic drivers would also be the most likely to become enraged if someone dares to cut them off, tailgate them, pass them in the breakdown lane, or commit some other rude or not so rude faux pas on the road.

Even one sticker or decal is enough to raise the likelihood of the driver having to be physically restrained by loved ones after somebody doesn’t let him in to the lane in time.

People think of their vehicles as extensions of themselves, and to a narcissist, a vehicle is like his own little kingdom on wheels. A vehicle gives any driver more power (and a way to hide behind a big bad machine even if said narcissist is a 97 pound weakling or a little old lady), but a narcissist will use his vehicle to intimidate, harass and scare others on the road who dare offend him or get in his way.

Wealthy narcissists are probably likely to drive a huge SUV or Hummer or a high end car like a BMW * (see joke at bottom), Mercedes or Prius, and these types of vehicles probably won’t be sporting bumper stickers. Too declasse for a rich, snobby narc.

Someone driving a Ford or a Honda without bumper stickers and who drives in a hesitant manner or is considerate to other drivers and actually does things like yield for them is probably codependent and attracts narcs like honey attracts flies. They’re the kind of drivers obnoxious narcissists in big SUVs like to tailgate and honk at just so they can watch them get flustered and panic on the road. Drivers like me, to be honest. I piss off narcs on the road.

From Cracked.com:

#4. Road Rage

It doesn’t take much to get most of us enraged when we’re driving a car. People cutting us off, people not using their blinkers, people using their blinkers too much, people driving annoyingly blue-colored cars. When someone cuts us off when we’re on foot, we might feel slightly annoyed, but we don’t usually have the same urge to yell, swear and honk a horn at them. Not unless there’s some major problems in other parts in our life, or we’re a clown.

Not all drivers are equally aggressive, though. Some of us just take a few deep, calming breaths when a guy drives all the way past the line of waiting cars in an exit lane, and then cuts in right at the front. Others actually get out of their cars and break his windshield with a crowbar. Why this extra rage?

Not pictured: The “coexist” bumper stickers on both cars.

What The Hell Is Going On Here?

First, a question: What do you think is the best predictor of whether someone is prone to road rage and aggressive driving? Whether he’s driving a beat-up pickup or a lavender Prius? The presence or absence of prison tattoos? The presence or absence of a crowbar holster on the back of the passenger seat? No. It’s the number of bumper stickers on his car. Even one sticker or decal is enough to raise the likelihood of the driver having to be physically restrained by loved ones after somebody doesn’t let him in to the lane in time.

How does this work? Well, consider the hypothetical person who gets into your personal space on the street. Unless he’s a total dick, chances are he will make up for it in some way. If he doesn’t actually say “sorry,” he’ll usually display some sort of unconscious, apologetic body language. Most of the time, this is all that’s needed to defuse the bumping-into situation. Machines, on the other hand, are incapable of this kind of polite signal, which is probably why you’re more likely to yell at your computer when it freezes up than you are to yell at your servant when he drops your caviar.

When driving a car, we humans consider our vehicles a part of our territorial space. So when someone cuts us off, or behaves discourteously, we instinctively react as if someone had run into us on the street and then ignored us completely.

So what’s with the rage-causing stickers? Scientists have theorized that the act of marking a car means that the driver has a greater sense of this territoriality — in other words, he identifies the car more as an extension of himself. Which is why they feel the need to mark it with a sign of his personality. Researchers have found that it makes no difference whether a bumper sticker says “Visualize World Peace” or “Guns Don’t Kill People, I Do.” To sticker-users, any vehicle-based rudeness means you’ve basically done the road equivalent of cutting in front of them in line and then flipping them the bird two inches from their nose.

Add in an exhaust fart to the face if you really want to piss them off.

* Q: How does a BMW differ from a porcupine?
A: The pricks are on the inside.

I can’t be broken.

Posted on February 20, 2015 by luckyotter

Thought for a Friday morning.

I just get so tired of it…

Posted on February 19, 2015 by luckyotter

I just read this blog post “I Would Be Begging for Help if it were Me” by Fivehundredpoundpeep. I highly recommend it to all ACONs. However, I won’t lie–her well written article triggered me, and the following may be the most emotional post I ever wrote.
This actually started as a reply on her blog, but I decided to turn it into an article because it’s very much on my mind. Tears are not far away.

The mother she describes in her article sounds EXACTLY like mine–the tone, choice of words, attitude, everything. Criticism under the guise of “help.” Dismissal in the name of love. With mine it’s always “positive thinking:”
“If you were not so negative, things would come more easily to you.”
“If you were more pleasant to be around, you would be able to make the connections to help you advance in a career.”
“You never were the competitive type.”
And always, always, “You’re too sensitive.”

Well, excuse me, Mommie Dearest, you’re too damn insensitive. You may not know it, but my high sensitivity, much as it may annoy you, is going to OUT you one day as the MALIGNANT NARCISSIST you always were, and will save my sanity. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And then you dare to tell me how much you love me in the next line? Prove it.

She used to send me corny memes and hackneyed sayings about always being sunny and cheerful, and accepting things the way they are. Scooping all these memes together and throwing them in the blender, here’s the pureed form of the message she was giving me:
“You are a failure and will never get anywhere in this world because you’re not a fun person, you never smile, you’re always negative, but you should accept things as they are and be happy with your lousy lot, because you don’t deserve any better.

That’s what she was really saying. She’s one of what I call “the positive thinking nazis.” Actually both my parents are. There’s nothing wrong with positive thinking, of course, and it’s something we should all strive to do. But my FOO took it too far. They used it as a way to sugarcoat and deny real issues. It was like putting a Band-aid on a cancerous lesion so it didn’t have to be seen. If it didn’t have to be seen, it would go away. That was the sort of narcissistic magical thinking and insanity I had to deal with.
They used it as a way to deny responsibility. That’s the most glaring thing wrong with the positive thinking movement, when taken to ridiculous extremes. The denial of reality and rejection of responsibility.

Of course if I ever confronted my mother about this (which I never did, not directly anyway, since I was a teenager), she’d either fly into a narcissistic rage or vehemently deny it.

My mother still has the power to make me feel this way. That’s why we’re estranged.

Seriously, that’s the only kind of “help” I have ever gotten from my MN egg donor since I grew up. But I can’t be rejected anymore because I don’t ask her for a thing anymore. I could be lying in a gutter with a broken leg and no home and no way to get to the hospital, and she’d probably tell me I was just being too negative and drawing in my own bad fortune. I would rather lie there and bleed to death than beg her to help.

My whole FOO are huge proponents of the postmodern narcissistic grandiose fantasy of “you create your own reality. If you fail, it’s no one’s fault but your own. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up.” It’s The Cliff’s Notes version of Ayn Rand’s objectivism. No compassion. No empathy. No love. Only judgment, gaslighting, subtle put downs, no loyalty, and thinly veiled hatred. And unfair and untrue accusations of my acting “entitled” because at my age, of course I should not be needing any help. But I’ve never asked them for much anyway. They think I asked for too much. All I ever wanted was love. No their conditional fake excuse for love.

It made me furious to the point of wanting to smash my fist into a brick wall when well-meaning people who may have heard about my financial problems or need of emotional support, said to me something like, “Honey, don’t you have a family you can turn to?” Or “Surely your family will help you out of this jam.” Sometimes it still happens, though I tell no one IRL my troubles. But I don’t want to hear what they have to say: all these people assume that just because their own families will help them or give them a hand up when they’re down on their luck or just need a non-judgmental listening ear or a soft shoulder to cry on, then the same must be true of my family too. It’s just what everyone does for own flesh and blood, right?

These fortunate people with loving families may be well meaning but they assume because theirs will help them and give them unconditional love, that the same holds true for people like us. They simply can’t or won’t believe there are some parents who actually HATE THEIR CHILDREN.

I get so tired of it. So very tired of it. That’s why I tell no one my problems anymore except on my blog. I never ask my parents for help, ever, and never will again. Especially not my mother. But I won’t need to. I’m still poor but I’m surviving, even thriving now–but not because of any of their heartless and judgmental “advice.”

I’m getting better because I have the ability to reach out to my real family–this amazing community of people who have such similar stories–through a skill I’ve recently rediscovered and is the tool to my healing: my writing.
I don’t need to be my mother’s scapegoat anymore.

No water. Is this 2015 or 1915?

Posted on February 19, 2015 by luckyotter

What century am I living in?

Now I’m without water or a car. My car’s still in the shop (probably until Monday), my roommate’s car needs a new battery, and for two days the bathroom pipes have been frozen even though I let them drip when the temperatures dropped below freezing the other night. The only running water in the house is the toilet and the kitchen faucet.

But two hours ago I lost those too. And I can’t get to the store to fill my water jugs that I keep around for emergencies, or even buy bottled water. It’s -2 degrees out, with an even colder wind chill. That’s somewhat unusual in this part of the country, where even in the mountains, the temperatures rarely get below the 20’s if you’re in a valley (as I am).

There’s a little hard, icy snow on the ground but not much. I may have to go outside and try to withstand the ice cold temps to scrape some off the ground to fill some pots and pans, which I can then boil. At least there’s electricity.
Oops, I had better shut up. I could jinx that too.

I called the water company to find out if the problem was my pipes (since my tub and bathroom sink haven’t worked for two days) or something else. It turns out there’s a water outage that is effecting the entire neighborhood. I was assured it should be back on by 10 PM tonight–that is if the pipes to my kitchen sink and toilet don’t freeze too, since I haven’t been able to drip the faucet or flush the toilet.

But you know what? People lived like this for thousands of years. You will never miss what you never had, or have no concept of. People even today, in developing countries, live with no running water or electricity, and they never complain. We have become so entitled.

At least I have the Internet so I can whine.

UPDATE! Research study on parental narcissism needs participants!

Posted on February 18, 2015 by luckyotter

Valerie Berenice Coles, one of the researchers doing this study, updated me about its status.

She says they have received a wonderful response so far. Anyone interested in receiving a summary of their results can email her at the end of the survey.

Ms. Coles asked me to repost the original article I wrote because they still need more responses to the survey. (There is also an icon you can click at the top of the sidebar.)

****Data is being collected until Saturday, February 28th.****

Here is the link to take the survey:
https://ugeorgia.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bpUcPJ3CkaLjOPb
It will take only about 15-20 minutes of your time and you may be eligible to win a $100 gift card.

Please help! Thank you so much.
–Lauren

Lucky Otters Haven

IMPORTANT OPPORTUNITY FOR ACONS/POSSIBLE CASH PRIZE!

Dr. Jennifer Monahan and Ph.D Candidate Valerie Berenice Coles of The University of Georgia’s Department of Communication Studies is conducting a survey about parental narcissism. All ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) are eligible to participate in the survey.

If you participate, you will partake in questionnaire that asks about your parent’s communication style and some items that measure personality characteristics of your parent or legal guardian that they identify as a narcissist and themselves. The aim is to examine how parental communication impacts individuals once they become adults. There is presently no published scale that measures parental narcissism behaviors from the perspective of the adult child, and very little research in general.

Anyone over the age of 18 who identifies as an ACON is eligible for this study, it does not matter where you live in the world, your gender, or whether English is…

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One old friend and 4 little anecdotes

Posted on February 18, 2015 by luckyotter

A friend of mine from way back in the late 1970s and early 80s (we were high school BFF’s) who I have been in and out of touch with over the years emailed me today and wanted to call. I emailed her back with my cell # and we talked for about an hour.

She has been reading my blog and here is what she said:
“I’m so proud of you. This is what you were always meant to do. I always knew you could write, but wow! I’m really impressed with what you’re doing and you should be proud of yourself.”

She asked me not to talk about her on this blog (which I won’t) but she gave me the okay to share a few of our absurd little adventures from way back in the day. We both still laugh about these things.

Anecdote #1: Babushka Landlady, the lawnmower, and the clanking pipes.

In 1978 and 1979 we shared a cheap two bedroom apartment in Queens, NY. We had a crazy landlady, a Russian immigrant woman, squat and always dressed in layers and layers of old world skirts and aprons and homemade knit sweaters. She always wore a babushka with huge brown combat boots.

Babushka Landlady did some nutty things:
–Mowed the lawn at 2 AM on a regular basis. Said it was better for the grass. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, look out my window and see her down there wearing her combat boots, her many skirts flapping, pushing that lawnmower back and forth, scowling and grunting whenever she passed under my window. I could just forget about getting back to sleep on nights she decided to mow the damn grass.

Mowing the lawn at 2 AM. Who does that?

–Babushka Landlady had a “partner”–an extremely elderly man of about 90 who was hunched over and could barely walk. We used to see the two of them entering the basement of the building through a back door. We’d wait for them to come out but they never did. We never talked about what they might be doing in there.

–Babushka Landlady and/or her “partner” went to the basement and banged on the pipes with metal rods to fool the tenants into thinking the heat was working. The boiler was always off or very low. I caught them doing this. After that they stopped and the heat suddenly started working again.

Anecdote #2: El Presidente beer and the rotting bathroom rug.

Same year, the same apartment: My friend and I had no car but we’d walk over to the Cuban deli and buy a case of El Presidente beer. It was terrible beer that tasted like old wet cigarette butts but we’d go through the whole thing, sitting in the tiny single bathroom getting drunk. The bathroom was carpeted with a rug that had once been plushy grey but had turned into a rotting clay-like substance from the cat peeing on it all the time.

It was disgusting sitting in there but we always sat in there anyway, for reasons we could never explain because we could have sat anywhere else in that apartment. One of us would sit Indian style on the lid of the toilet, the other propped on the side of the tub. We’d talk and talk and drink until the room began to spin. Our feet made squishy sounds in the sodden rug, and I contracted a bad case of Athlete’s foot. Athlete’s foot is no joke, by the way.

That isn’t a picture of us, just a couple of girls we probably wished we looked like. And they’re in a bathroom too.

Anecdote #3: The flying Oxtail soup.

Don’t open that pot.

Once my friend decided she’d make some Oxtail soup. In the middle of July. She started the soup in a big tureen, then left for a weekend trip with her boyfriend. I was spending the night somewhere so didn’t arrive home until the next day. Obviously she had forgotten about the soup she started.

The first thing that hit me was the smell. I thought my cat was dead somewhere. I cautiously approached the kitchen and opened the lid of the tureen where the smell seemed to be coming from. I took one look at the green-white mold growing on top of what looked like chunks of rotten meat and started dry heaving, then picked up the whole tureen, opened the window, and tossed it out into the alley. It was too disgusting to even attempt to wash. I have never been able to eat Oxtail soup since then.

Anecdote #4: The Folded Fish

Okay, it wasn’t an Origami fish. He wasn’t smiling either.

It was 1981. My friend had a new apartment. She asked me to house-sit while she went on a trip, and that meant feeding her fish too. There was one particular fish bowl I kept forgetting about. It contained one tiny golfish. The day she was to return I finally noticed the fishbowl and floating on top was its tenant, partly rotted and folded in half. I felt terrible about killing her fish and tried to hide him under some of the stones but that didn’t really work and he floated back to the top. Fortunately my friend wasn’t too upset and laughed because he was folded in half.

There are other stories but these are the ones I always think of when I think of us back in the day.
I miss you, my friend.

ETA: I just realized 3 of these stories involve rotting things. What does that mean?

I was so much older then…

Posted on February 17, 2015 by luckyotter

This photo was taken of me in 2012, while I was still living with and being gaslighted to death by my narc. At the time he used my daughter as one of his flying monkeys. They had me convinced I was the self centered narcissist and Michael would always set things up so he looked like the victim. A combination of triangulation, projection and gaslighting turned me into this sad, blah looking person you see here. As you can tell, I wasn’t taking care of myself–I was about 30 pounds heavier and wore just any old rag I could find around the house. I never wore makeup. My expression here looks depressed. I hid in my room with the door locked most of the time against my personal wicked demon and his flying monkeys trying to distort my reality and doubt my own perceptions.

Me during the time I was being mentally and emotionally tormented and suffering from severe PTSD, depression, and debilitating anxiety and paranoid ideation (some of which was based in reality) Although my health hadn’t started to go yet, it would have soon. If I’d stayed in this hellish mindfucking environment, I think I would have eventually become very ill, and maybe even died. I thought about suicide a lot.

Here is me after separating from my narc (April 2014). I look a lot happier!

These next two photos were taken by me about a month ago. Even in the nonsmiling, pensive one, I look a lot better and a lot younger. I think I look much more relaxed too in both the photos.

I’m in good shape now and managed to lose about 30 lbs. so I am a healthy weight now. My hair also looks better and I have no idea why since I haven’t really done anything different with it. It just seems fuller and, well, happier?

A year ago, I didn’t want anyone to take my picture (because I thought I looked so fat and ugly); now I’m actually taking selfies!

Improvement in appearance and a more youthful look overall is a wonderful fringe benefit of separating from your abuser. When you start feeling more attractive you actually look more attractive, and will take much better care of your appearance and your health. I’m just naturally eating healthier foods and indulging in things like alcohol less. I’m also drawn to nicer looking clothes and even accessories, something I didn’t bother with for years.

I still haven’t managed to quit smoking yet. Maybe for Lent.

Search terms roundup #4

Posted on February 17, 2015 by luckyotter

I love looking at my search terms. These are my terms over the past 7 days. My comments appear bolded in brackets. Past lists have been funnier, but there’s some gems here too.

covert somatic narcissist 5
songs about narcissists 3
psychopathy scapegoating 3
where can i see the movie the narcissist 2
“people of the lie” 2
songs about narcissists lovers 2 [almost time for me to do another roundup of narc songs]
is david berg a psychopath 2
otterlover 58, blog 2 [Here I am!]
wrinkly peep dick 2 [LMAO! Are you for real?]
merrimints candy recipe 2
laughing at the narcissist 1
songs related to narcissism 1
dissease of needing attention/adulation 1 [it’s called Narcissism]
being abused in relationship quotes 1
narcissistic fathers 1
narcissists no sense of humor 1
narcissistic family values 1
psychopaths and pets 1
perspective pictures 1
difference between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism 1
healing quotes for aspergers 1
malignant narcissist so envious of daughter to put black magic curse upon her 1 [OMG really?]
beware of the internet child abuse 1
i ‘ m frustrated 1
abusive boyfriend quotes 1
tired of being treated like a stupid person because i have an. accent 1 [I’m sorry]
can a psychopath be cured 1
narcissit franticly 1
narcissism and supernatural 1
the movie/ narcissist 1
borderline personality disorder 1
can narcissists cry 1
songs that can be about narcissist 1
12 step programme to heal a narcissts 1 [I don’t think there is one]
vaknin narcissism 1
narcissistic personality disorder animal abuse 1
narcissists eyes 1
beth psycopath child 1
covert narcissists and extreme neglect 1
are narcissists spoiled or abused as children 1
narcissists and their victim quotes 1
smith and cult stockholm syndrome 1
the film ordinary people and triangulation in relationships 1
sam vaknin narcissists true self 1
i dated a flying monkey who loves a narcissist [that sucks]
mom the exhibitionist 1
narssisistic songs 1
only child of narcissistic mother 1
diets for christian empaths [there’s a diet for everything, I guess.]
the narcissistic stare 1
nature vs nurture debate nurture side 1
jehovah’s witness furry fandom [interesting]
man withholding sex aspergers or cerebral narcissist 1
my sons a furry 1 [this article at the top of page 1 of Google now]
narcissistic country love songs 1
what the hell is a narc [you’ve come to the right place to find out]
scientific findings about emoticon use 1
bpd psychopath gaze 1
exhibitionist mothers 1
1960s-1970s ranch house plans 1
narcissist the movie 1
greek safe place 1
do psychopaths hate animals 1
fuck you snow 1 [Yeah, give that white stuff a piece of your mind!]
when narcs go into rages are they dangerous 1
divorce 1
is sam vaknin a narcissist