I just get so tired of it…

rejected_child

I just read this blog post “I Would Be Begging for Help if it were Me” by Fivehundredpoundpeep. I highly recommend it to all ACONs. However, I won’t lie–her well written article triggered me, and the following may be the most emotional post I ever wrote.
This actually started as a reply on her blog, but I decided to turn it into an article because it’s very much on my mind. Tears are not far away.

The mother she describes in her article sounds EXACTLY like mine–the tone, choice of words, attitude, everything. Criticism under the guise of “help.” Dismissal in the name of love. With mine it’s always “positive thinking:”
“If you were not so negative, things would come more easily to you.”
“If you were more pleasant to be around, you would be able to make the connections to help you advance in a career.”
“You never were the competitive type.”
And always, always, “You’re too sensitive.”

Well, excuse me, Mommie Dearest, you’re too damn insensitive. You may not know it, but my high sensitivity, much as it may annoy you, is going to OUT you one day as the MALIGNANT NARCISSIST you always were, and will save my sanity. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And then you dare to tell me how much you love me in the next line? Prove it.

She used to send me corny memes and hackneyed sayings about always being sunny and cheerful, and accepting things the way they are. Scooping all these memes together and throwing them in the blender, here’s the pureed form of the message she was giving me:
“You are a failure and will never get anywhere in this world because you’re not a fun person, you never smile, you’re always negative, but you should accept things as they are and be happy with your lousy lot, because you don’t deserve any better.

That’s what she was really saying. She’s one of what I call “the positive thinking nazis.” Actually both my parents are. There’s nothing wrong with positive thinking, of course, and it’s something we should all strive to do. But my FOO took it too far. They used it as a way to sugarcoat and deny real issues. It was like putting a Band-aid on a cancerous lesion so it didn’t have to be seen. If it didn’t have to be seen, it would go away. That was the sort of narcissistic magical thinking and insanity I had to deal with.
They used it as a way to deny responsibility. That’s the most glaring thing wrong with the positive thinking movement, when taken to ridiculous extremes. The denial of reality and rejection of responsibility.

Of course if I ever confronted my mother about this (which I never did, not directly anyway, since I was a teenager), she’d either fly into a narcissistic rage or vehemently deny it.

staring_at_wall
My mother still has the power to make me feel this way. That’s why we’re estranged.

Seriously, that’s the only kind of “help” I have ever gotten from my MN egg donor since I grew up. But I can’t be rejected anymore because I don’t ask her for a thing anymore. I could be lying in a gutter with a broken leg and no home and no way to get to the hospital, and she’d probably tell me I was just being too negative and drawing in my own bad fortune. I would rather lie there and bleed to death than beg her to help.

My whole FOO are huge proponents of the postmodern narcissistic grandiose fantasy of “you create your own reality. If you fail, it’s no one’s fault but your own. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up.” It’s The Cliff’s Notes version of Ayn Rand’s objectivism. No compassion. No empathy. No love. Only judgment, gaslighting, subtle put downs, no loyalty, and thinly veiled hatred. And unfair and untrue accusations of my acting “entitled” because at my age, of course I should not be needing any help. But I’ve never asked them for much anyway. They think I asked for too much. All I ever wanted was love. No their conditional fake excuse for love.

It made me furious to the point of wanting to smash my fist into a brick wall when well-meaning people who may have heard about my financial problems or need of emotional support, said to me something like, “Honey, don’t you have a family you can turn to?” Or “Surely your family will help you out of this jam.” Sometimes it still happens, though I tell no one IRL my troubles. But I don’t want to hear what they have to say: all these people assume that just because their own families will help them or give them a hand up when they’re down on their luck or just need a non-judgmental listening ear or a soft shoulder to cry on, then the same must be true of my family too. It’s just what everyone does for own flesh and blood, right?

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These fortunate people with loving families may be well meaning but they assume because theirs will help them and give them unconditional love, that the same holds true for people like us. They simply can’t or won’t believe there are some parents who actually HATE THEIR CHILDREN.

I get so tired of it. So very tired of it. That’s why I tell no one my problems anymore except on my blog. I never ask my parents for help, ever, and never will again. Especially not my mother. But I won’t need to. I’m still poor but I’m surviving, even thriving now–but not because of any of their heartless and judgmental “advice.”

I’m getting better because I have the ability to reach out to my real family–this amazing community of people who have such similar stories–through a skill I’ve recently rediscovered and is the tool to my healing: my writing.
I don’t need to be my mother’s scapegoat anymore.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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7 Responses to I just get so tired of it…

  1. Joan S says:

    It still amazes me how I’ve found people online I have needed my whole life. I thought I was the oddball, everyone else has a loving family but me. Now I meet people like me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      You know,Joan…we are of the same mind, because until I started reading blogs and starting my own, I always felt so alone in the world–as if I was the only one without a loving and supportive family.
      But I think thre’s a lot of shame involved in knowing we weren’t really loved the way others were…like we must have been defective or undeserving…and probably many more people out there like us, who just don’t talk about it because of that shame.
      I hate it when people start talking about their family get togethers or reunions or whatever…but i have also made my own choice to be no contact so I can’t really complain. Except it seems so unfair that others have not had to cut off contact with their families.
      But I feel the same as you. There are lots of us and we’re all talking about it online, and that’s a wonderful thing. You aren’t alone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Joan S says:

        I know. And really this post hit home. My MN mother said she tried to help me, but I never listened to her. Gee, I remember her telling me, when I was little, that I was going to be a drunken whore when I grew up. But whatever. I never became that.

        Its strange how they never really stick to their positive thinking for us. We think they did, but the underlying truth is that they were lying.

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          Heh, my mother said the same thing. Not that I’d be a drunken whore, but that she was always trying to help me but I never listened. But she wanted to make me in her own image, she never understood or valued the person I was….a different, way different person from her. I felt so devalued and invisible.

          Like

  2. Did you two hear the “We did everything we could for you line”?

    Sorry you had a mother just like mine Otter, I wouldn’t wish that my worse enemy. The attitude we had to put up with from them was so awful. I was fighting serious illness. I was hospitalized years ago for those lipedema influenced infections and almost lost my life once to one. She never showed one ounce of empathy.

    Sorry yours used the positive thinking crap on you. I was told I was poor because I was “lazy”, “did not work hard enough” and “did not relate to people well enough” [the latter part of the Aspie related abuse] As for the lazy thing I sometimes worked 3 and 4 jobs at a time before I was disabled, she was insane. This is part of the messages that ruined my health as I worked myself into the ground and learned no self care.

    One thing too with connected families, they make sure to give those they care about opportunities and make sure the scapegoat ends up poor. They often make that happen. They sabotage us on purpose. They love the positive thinking trap, which actually is based on the new American caste system of positive thought. The elite and wealthy love this stuff, because it means everyone who is down and out is automatically deficient. The narcs love this stuff and eat it up.

    I hated the assumptions that I had loving parents who cared about me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Danielle says:

      I have an even better one– my mother and father, never married, gave me to my father’s parents to raise when I was one. I never really had that much of a relationship with them, more so with my father but he was ‘weird’ and I didn’t really like his lifestyle so he accused me of being boring, etc, when I was a teenager. My grandparents passed away 2 years ago (I’m in my mid-30s now) and I helped them as they aged… now I’m getting married and my mother wanted to be honored as the mother of the bride. When I told her that while she’s invited, I consider that role for my grandmother, she not only cursed me out, but contacted my father and told him that I wasn’t inviting him since I was going to walk myself down the aisle. He then proceeded to send an e-mail to everyone saying that I’m not inviting the people who are responsible for my financial success and my life. But while they biologically created me, they didn’t do anything for my career, college or anything. They were nowhere in sight. And there was mass gas-lighting going on— I have siblings from my mother’s side who won’t even talk to me and other cousins from the father’s side that won’t talk to me — I’m breaking up the family, apparently, because I won’t recognize them the right way— although they did nothing to deserve it. The oldest sibling on my mother side and I had a huge fight and hse proceeded to say that I’ve always treated them all like crap. But — I had minimal contact over the years and I’ve always invited them to big events. What a disaster. So, apparently, even though I wasn’t raised by these wackos, this scapegoating can happen at anytime. It’s preventing me from having a decent relationship with some of my siblings, but that’s the cost, I guess, of calling them out on the BS. It’s just frustrating b/c I really don’t know the game that well.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. luckyotter says:

    All the time.

    I have read pretty much your whole blog, and still can’t wrap my brain around how cold and heartless your mother was. Unlike mine, she didn’t even pretend. I can’t imagine how you remained as sane as you have. But you’re stronger than she is, and here you are, still rallying. The way you were blamed for your illness just makes me sick.

    Yes, they do sabotage us, because they don’t give us the tools we need to get on in life and become happy and successful. If we do, we must do it ourselves, and all too often that’s pretty late in life if at all. All my life I was trained to be supply–and then criticized and demeaned for being supply! My mother hated mousy women–but she turned me into one. There were so many ways I could have been helped when I was younger and never was, or was put down for whatever small ambitions I had (I really had no goals to speak of). I was always told I wasn’t good enough or “oh, you don’t really want that,” or “you know you can’t do that.” “You’re not competitive, you know you hate compeition,” etc etc. Neverending projection and telling me how I felt. I began to believe it. It’s a form of brainwashing, no less malignant than the kind used by cult leaders. It is a kind of cult–and we, as sensitive Aspies, were sacrificed on the altar of narcissism.
    But we survived. We’re still here. That counts for something, doesn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

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