Back to earth.

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Two days ago a rather old article of mine (one I first posted in April last year and didn’t seem to generate much interest at the time) went viral.  I’ve had articles go somewhat viral before (getting a lot of Facebook shares usually), but this one got me so many views–3,822 on 2/9 and a whopping 4,438 on 2/10–that it was a little unsettling.   Keep in mind my typical views for one day are about a third of that number or less.

It was heady seeing my viewers graph keep rising, and my Facebook Share ticker keep getting higher.   How long was this going to go on?  Would it keep going indefinitely, into the tens of thousands? Maybe into the millions?  I’m not a blogger who blogs to be the “best” or the “most popular” and I don’t care much about Google and Alexa rankings, but I’m human and as a human, I like to be recognized and noticed–and this post I’d forgotten about was certainly getting noticed.  I admit it felt good.  I’ve always felt unnoticed and ignored, and this made me feel like I’d made some kind of impact in the world.   I’ve been an underachiever all my life and this felt like a kind of achievement.

An outbreak of a communicable disease eventually fizzles out and the virus returns to dormancy.   If it just kept going,  we’d all be dead.   Posts that go viral also reach a maximum threshold, after which their wildfire-like spread slows down and then stops.   I can’t explain how and why this works; it must be some kind of self-limiting mechanism.  Things that go up almost always come down.

So now I’m back on earth.   After those two days, my stats took a plunge.  Actually, they’re back to normal.  Maybe I have a few new readers now.   The return to normalcy feels like a loss, but what have I really lost? Two days ago, before this happened, I didn’t feel like I’d lost anything.  When something like this happens, it’s nice, but it’s unexpected and not even something you worked for.  I just got lucky.

That’s one of the things I love most about blogging. The surprises.   You just never know when something you wrote months ago might suddenly take off.

I failed at DBT today.

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Just yesterday, I wrote a post about how DBT has enhanced therapy and made my life easier in general. But I’m far from perfect and today I completely failed at being mindful.

I don’t want to talk about my day because right now I just want to forget about it. It sucked and I handled it badly. I went off on someone I don’t like, who I was stuck working with all day. So today was long, annoying, and painful, and I’m not proud of the way I acted.

There was something good waiting for me at home though. One of my older posts went viral today. The day isn’t even over and I’ve exceeded 3,000 views because of that article. That’s the most views I’ve ever had in a day. So I feel very good about that. It makes up for my horrible day.

F*ck you, Facebook.

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I’ve always had mixed feelings about Facebook.  I know it’s the best platform on which to share blog posts, but my problem is the nature of my blog.  Much of what I write is highly personal or about my family, and people from many different areas of my life, including family members, are Facebook friends or at least know where to find me even if they are not friends.  Even though I changed the spelling of my first name on Facebook, most people who want to can still find me there.   You’re not allowed to create a second account (although I suppose it could be done using a second email address) or use a handle.

I guess I could set up a “page” connected with this blog, but that page would still be  attached to my main account, so when I press the “share” button under a post, it gets posted to my main account, not an associated page.    I don’t want family members, people I know from work or from past jobs, neighbors, and my kids’ friends reading certain of my posts.  Since I do share some of my posts to Facebook,  if someone REALLY wanted to read my other stuff, they could find it fairly easily by browsing through my blog, but I don’t want to call attention to those posts to people who have no business reading them.

It sucks because blog posts on Facebook always get the most shares.  I’ve had some posts that were shared over 200 times by others.  One post has over 1000 shares.   But I have to rely on others to share my posts.  I can only share the less personal ones there.

I don’t have this same problem with other social media because I don’t use my real name on those accounts and they were set up for the primary purpose of sharing blog posts.   Facebook (and to some extent, LinkedIn) is a different story, because I’ve had my account there since 2008 and had no blog until 2014.   I’m tempted to delete my Facebook and start over under a fake name, but then I’ll lose all my contacts.   I’m not sure how to get around this issue.  I don’t really like Facebook much anyway and I never have.

F*ck you, Facebook.

Further reading:

When My Worlds Collide

10 Reasons Why Facebook Drives Me Insane

 

Always On My Mind Blog Party

D. Parker's avataryadadarcyyada

1blog110Decisions. The average person now makes more decisions in a day than most did in weeks, months, even years. Decisions can engulf us. Haunt us. Overwhelm us. Interrupt us. Even stalk us in our dreams, ummm, a Nightmare on Choice Street? Choices are great, but too many can make it difficult, or almost impossible to make and trust decisions. Then comes the morning after, littered with “Did I make the right choice?”, “What did I do?”, “Can I return this?”, “What was I thinking?”.

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Even in blogging there are so many decisions. At first, it felt frightening, like I was that boy in Jurassic Park, when Dr. Grant was explaining how Velociraptors kill.

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Now I’m more like Chris Pratt, on a motorcycle, riding with the Velociraptors in Jurassic World, which for me was an all-out, action-packed cheesefest (in a good way), but a noticeable lack of Jeff Goldblum

View original post 614 more words

Mental Health Writer’s Guild

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I’m proud to announce that both this blog and my other blog, Down The Rabbit Hole, have been accepted into the Mental Health Writer’s Guild, an organization for bloggers who focus on mental health issues including mental illness stigma.

From their About page:

The Mental Health Writers’ Guild exists to encourage: positive, informative, inspirational writing in respect of Mental Health.  Doing so in the hope of ..

a)  furthering a greater understanding of the issues and challenges relating to Mental Health and Mental Well-being.

b)  addressing and working towards the reduction and removal of the stigma often attached to poor mental health and/or mental illness.

c)  keeping people advised of any progress, research, developments or discoveries within the field of Mental Health and Mental Well-being.

Likewise, The Mental Health Writers’ Guild seeks to encourage support and unity between all those writing about Mental Health and especially within Guild members.

Any blogger who writes about mental illness is welcome to join.  You may request membership on this page, or recommend another blogger for membership.

I know this is one of the things I said a blogger shouldn’t do, but…

 

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I just can’t keep this to myself.   This blog is about to hit a major milestone, probably sometime tomorrow: 50K views this month!   Thanks so much to all of you who have helped this to happen!  I’m over the moon. 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘 🌑 🌒 🌓 🌔

It makes me laugh when I read this old post, one of the first I ever wrote.  It was written when this blog was a week old and I had 12 followers.  I’m not known for my patience!

I’m frustrated.

 

 

 

Opinionated Man, I don’t know if I should thank you or kick you!

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Yesterday, Opinionated Man wrote a post called “My Greatest Blogging Fear.”  In that post he talked about the unthinkable for any blogger:  that one day you sit down and open up your blog…and find it gone.   All the work you put into it, the hours, sweat and tears…gone, just like that.  Poof.

If that happened to me I think I would want to die.  I have around 1600 posts on this blog now.  Sixteen months of work.   After reading his post, I realized how easily all that could just disappear.   A glitch, a hacker, WordPress suddenly shutting its doors, you name it.   All my hard work, gone just like that.   I know it’s not likely to happen, but it could.

I’m a worrier by nature.   I never worried about this before because it never really crossed my mind.  It never occurred to me to have a backup plan in case the unthinkable ever happened.   Now I have something new to worry about thanks to his post.

So I realized what I need to do is start a 3rd blog just for storage.  I’ll set it to private.  Most of the articles I care about will go in there.    I’m also going to save some of my best posts in my computer, probably Wordpad.   Then I won’t have to worry that one day I’ll log on here to find…everything gone.

34 rules for kick-ass writing.

karate

I didn’t make these rules; they come from this post. But they got a laugh from me and I hope you enjoy them too.

34 Rules For Kick ass Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

20 ways to lose followers.

Tired woman are sleeping and holding cup. Laptop is situated on the table.

As a blogger, I admit I’m guilty of doing some of these things myself.  So I’m writing this  post as a reminder to myself to stop doing these things, and hope other bloggers can take away something from this list too.

1. Don’t allow comments.

Some blogs, especially those dealing with mental illness or abuse, don’t allow comments because negative comments can be very triggering to people struggling with these things, and you are going to get negative comments.   It can’t be avoided.  But as a general rule, it’s good to allow comments because it makes your blog more interactive.  Real conversations get started that way and build a feeling of community, which can make your followers stick around and your blog more engaging.

2. Be a comment nazi. 

Some bloggers don’t want anyone to disagree with them and will not approve or delete comments that question the blogger’s point of view.   While it’s certainly fine to block or delete abusive comments, only allowing comments that agree with your point of view doesn’t allow for healthy debate, which always make a conversation more interesting. It also makes you look like an intolerant, narcissistic jerk.

3.  Be too lenient with comments.

If you allow abusive comments on your blog,  you run the risk that people might be run off by the trollish remarks or fear speaking up themselves because they might be attacked.

4.  Don’t tolerate any disagreement. 

Related to #2, some bloggers like to attack anyone who disagrees with them.  Debate is fine, but engaging in personal attacks and the Internet version of a fistfight on a regular basis will just run off your regular followers.   It’s always best to not feed the trolls.

Close-Up Of Stray Dog Snarling

5. Fail to acknowledge comments.

I see this a lot.   Sometimes you won’t know what to say to a comment or have nothing new to add to their point, and that’s fine.   If you reply to only 50% of your comments, that’s good.  Obviously, the higher the percentage the better.     Use the “Like” button on comments you don’t reply to, so the commenter knows you at least saw it.  Not replying or using the Like button makes your readers feel like you didn’t read their comment or don’t care.

6. Write boring content.

Some blogs document the blogger’s day, and while the activities described may be mundane, if presented in an interesting or humorous way, or if they use pictures or graphics, such otherwise dull posts can actually be engaging.   But if all you do is write a long wall of text about your dog throwing up on the rug and what cereal you ate for breakfast and your writing style or presentation isn’t creative or engaging, you will just put your readers to sleep and they’ll go elsewhere.

7. Don’t check your spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. 

No one wants to try to pick through a badly written, misspelled post full of run on sentences, horrible grammar, and wonky punctuation. Spellcheck is your friend, and if you can’t put a proper English sentence together, then maybe you shouldn’t be blogging.   Publishing a post full of errors and typos is also is disrespectful to your readers.

8. Be dishonest.

Those of us who write creatively can and do embellish a few details to make our posts come alive but outright lying can never be disguised.  A post that’s dishonest comes off as insincere and your readers will be able to tell.  If you want to write fiction, then write fiction, but call it fiction  and  don’t disguise it as the truth when it’s not.

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9. Don’t break up your text.

I’ve ranted about walls of words many times before so I won’t belabor this again.  It’s a pet peeve of mine.   People don’t like reading walls of text.  It hurts their eyes and gives them a migraine.   Use paragraph breaks, subheaders, pictures or graphics to break up a long post into bite size pieces.   Or compile your content into a list.   Your readers are civilized human beings who like to eat their steak in small pieces, not chomp it down whole like a wolf or a caveman.

10. Use garish colors and graphics.

Fortunately, the themes WordPress makes available are tasteful and very hard to make look bad.  In the early days of the web, there seemed to be a lot more websites that were the cyber equivalent of a bad acid trip and used garish, flashing graphics, blingies, and ugly fonts in neon colors that clashed with their neon backgrounds.  MySpace was infamous for this and that was part of its downfall.  Your blog shouldn’t look like The Strip in Vegas or an explosion at The Fun Factory.   It should look more like a pastoral landscape, Park Avenue in New York, or Main Street in a pretty small town.  Don’t be tacky.  It’s also not nice to cause your readers to have epileptic seizures.

ugly_website

11. Pass yourself off as an expert when you are not.

If you write about a highly specialized topic such as mental health, science, or medical issues, and you are not an expert yourself, please use a disclaimer stating that you are not a degreed professional or at least use phrases such as “in my opinion…” or “I think…”.   Otherwise you not only come across as a know it all, but you could also get in legal trouble.

12. Don’t comment on other blogs.

We know, taking care of your own blog is time consuming and it’s just hard to find time to comment on other blogs.   You don’t have to do this every day, but if you never comment on your followers’ blogs, they may unfollow yours.  No one likes to feel like they’re doing all the work in a friendship.  By commenting on other blogs, you not only show goodwill and build community, but you also increase the likelihood they may link to yours or add you to their blogroll, which increases your hits.  If you don’t have time to comment, at least “Like” their posts.  Let them know you at least acknowledge their existence.

13. Write troll posts.

Writing a controversial post just to be controversial may get you attention for the short term, but it’s likely to be negative attention.  Do you really want that?  Also, the attention you get won’t last.  People will come to gawk, and then move on to more worthwhile things.   While it’s fine (and courageous!) to write something controversial if you feel passionate about it,  deliberately writing incendiary posts is like walking around in public slapping random people in the face.   You’ll get attention alright, but it won’t be the kind you want.  Most people will run like hell.

14. SCREAM AT PEOPLE.

NEVER USE ALL CAPS.  NO ONE WANTS TO BE SCREAMED AT.

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15. Use too much profanity.

While a well placed expletive can give your post more impact, peppering every sentence with four letter words has the opposite effect and distracts attention away from the point you’re trying to make.    It just makes you sound immature, stupid, and obnoxious.

16.  Publicly whine about other blogs having more hits, likes or followers than yours.

Envy is rife in the blogging world.    I’ve seen more posts than I care to from bloggers ranting about how few followers, likes or hits they have, or even worse, kvetching about how much better other blogs are doing than theirs.   While one or two such posts are fine, especially for a newbie whose activity is likely to be low (during my second week blogging, I wrote a post called “I’m Frustrated,” which Opinionated Man reblogged and helped me get new followers), if you continue to do this or make a habit of it, you just come off like a crybaby or a spoilsport, and you’ll wind up losing followers who don’t want to deal with your hysterics.

17.  Brag about how many hits, likes, and followers you have. 

I admit I’ve been guilty of this, but you should avoid it.   It will make people hate you, especially other bloggers.   If you must crow about how well your blog is doing, disguise it by hiding it within a helpful context (for example, you can write a post about how to gain followers,  in which you can use your blog as an example but be careful not to overdo it–people can smell that shit like a drug dog smells cocaine).

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Credit: John Worsley: “Toad”

18.  Be a pointless blog.

I’m not talking here about blogs that don’t have a certain topic as their focus.  There are many great general purpose blogs with posts about anything and everything. I’m talking here about blogs that have no original content.   There are blogs that seem to exist solely to post links to other people’s blogs or regurgitate other’s material.  I always wonder why these blogs exist at all.  Why not just go to the original blogger’s site instead? “Bloggers” who never post original content seem more like secretaries than bloggers, and less useful than a secretary because they won’t even make you coffee.  For some reason, blogs like that also seem to contain viruses.  It’s like having a secretary with typhoid.

19.  Plagiarize and don’t credit others.

Not only will not crediting or plagiarizing others make people angry at you, it will get you in trouble too.  Don’t do it.  If you can’t find the source for something, don’t use it.

20.  Try too hard to be cool.

Some blogs seem to exist just to be cool or edgy.   If you don’t believe in what you’re posting about, and are just doing it to impress others or appear cool, people will be able to tell and will press the backspace key faster than you can put on your groovy sunglasses. People who try too hard to be cool are annoying and pathetic, and that’s not cool.

My letter to a fellow ACON who wants to take her blog down.

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A good friend of mine in the ACON community has just announced she wants to take her blog down and remove herself from all social media. She isn’t depressed or angry at anyone, but just feels like she wants to hide. She also said that she feels like maybe God wouldn’t approve of her exposing her abusers, even though she has never used any real names. I was a little alarmed by this, so I just sent her an email, which I’m going to post here (and remove any identifying information). I think the feelings she described are common in abuse survivors, who have been trained by their abusers that nothing they do is ever right and that exposing their abusers is some kind of mortal sin. I beg to differ.

Here’s my letter in response to her post.

I just read your latest post about wanting to hide. At first I was surprised you said you were allowing comments, but after I read it I understood why. When you said you were thinking about taking down your blog, Twitter, etc. I thought to myself, No! she can’t do that! We need _______ ‘s blog!

I’ve sometimes felt like hiding too and been tempted to disable comments several times. Once (and you will remember this) last May, I was VERY close to taking down my blog or setting it to private because of some criticism I got over a post I wrote. I also felt very exposed when my blog was found by a few people I didn’t want to find it (including family members), but after an initial “Oh, shit” panic reaction, I decided to keep plugging away because to do otherwise would be the coward’s way to handle things, and I’m sick of being a coward who never stands up for myself.

I think as survivors of abuse, we ACONs can be very easily triggered. It’s scary being out there and being so vulnerable for the public to see. But that’s exactly what we are trying to reconnect with through blogging and sharing our stories with each other. We need to regain our courage to BE vulnerable. We’ve been trained by our narcissists THAT IS NOT OKAY, but that is a big fat LIE. We look at those who haven’t been so damaged and marvel at their openness, but when we try to do it, it can be very scary.

I think that’s why you feel like running away and hiding. It’s your fear that you might be hurt again that’s causing you to take such drastic action. I know, because I feel that way often myself.

____, DON’T DO IT. Don’t take down your blog. It’s understandable you might need a break, but don’t be rash. Set it to private for awhile and focus on other things, or just let it stand as is, and just don’t post in it for awhile. Give yourself a break, that will give you time to be mindful instead of doing something you might regret, like removing your blog.

We’ve been lied to and made to believe that exposing our narcissistic parents, spouses, etc. is not okay. I believe in the 10 Commandments too, but I don’t believe God wants the narcissists to get away with what they do, and I don’t believe a narcissistic mother or father really qualifies as a true parent. They certainly haven’t lived up to their end of the responsibility, have they? You are not using any real names, so you are not damaging them personally. What you are doing instead, is giving a voice to the oppressed survivors that have felt all alone because they thought no one could ever understand. We are inundated with sappy, sentimental images of Mothers, but our mothers never fulfilled that stereotype. For us, that image is a lie.

Narcissists, no matter whether they are biological parents or not, deserve to be exposed for what they are, and for how they have abused us. By sharing your story, you have no idea how many other people who have been in your boat you are helping. You have helped me, and you have helped many others.

Also, don’t think for one second that your story isn’t interesting enough to write about. You have one of the most interesting stories I have heard. You are helping and giving hope to countless abuse survivors. No names are mentioned, you are not hurting anyone, and I am sure Jesus approves of what you are doing. It’s all for the greater good. Your blog helps so many. God has led you to where you are for a reason.

Please think about what you’re doing. If after a month or so, you still want to take your blog down, then go ahead. But I would wait, and leave it up anyway for others to read and find hope from in the meantime, and just focus on taking care of yourself for a while.

***

I forgot to put this in my email, but I think that as a Christian, my friend should subscribe to Smakintosh’s Youtube Channel (Gospel Underground). He is a survivor of narcissistic parents, and has many videos that explain why it isn’t unbiblical to expose and go no contact with narcissistic parents. Here it is for any other interested persons: https://www.youtube.com/user/smakintosh