I failed at DBT today.

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Just yesterday, I wrote a post about how DBT has enhanced therapy and made my life easier in general. But I’m far from perfect and today I completely failed at being mindful.

I don’t want to talk about my day because right now I just want to forget about it. It sucked and I handled it badly. I went off on someone I don’t like, who I was stuck working with all day. So today was long, annoying, and painful, and I’m not proud of the way I acted.

There was something good waiting for me at home though. One of my older posts went viral today. The day isn’t even over and I’ve exceeded 3,000 views because of that article. That’s the most views I’ve ever had in a day. So I feel very good about that. It makes up for my horrible day.

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Self pity and stress.

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Today wasn’t a good day, except for it being Friday.

1. I woke up with a pounding headache.
2. Traffic jam made me late again.
3. I wasn’t in a good mood and was being hypersensitive to everything. I felt like my coworker was picking on me today even though she probably wasn’t. Some days I just take everything the wrong way.
4. I felt depressed and negative all day, and I’ve noticed after some time of feeling more positive that a negative outlook tends to attract negative things.
5. I was unfavorably comparing myself to others who have things better. That’s a bad character defect (envy) I’m trying to work on.
6. I had another argument with my roommate. I’m convinced she is doing things to annoy me on purpose. I won’t even get into what the argument was about because it was stupid.
6. It was cold and windy and they are predicting snow tonight. I hate cold weather.
7. I was trying to renew my antivirus software and couldn’t open the browser to renew it. I Googled a customer service number for Norton and called the first one that came up, which was a shady company (iYogi–do NOT talk to them!) that supposedly represents Norton. I got a very nasty guy who barely spoke English who I allowed to remote access my computer, and he told me my hard drive was corrupted and then started hard-selling me some bullshit program to clean up my hard drive “that only cost $149.99 and you get all this!” He was almost impossible to get off the phone and started yelling at me and telling me I was being uncooperative because I wasn’t buying his hard sell.

I finally got him off the phone (he kept asking when he could call me) and scrolled on Google until I found a real customer service number and they were able to help me. Of course there wasn’t anything wrong with my hard drive, only a browser hijacker (Astromenda–be careful, it’s very hard to get rid of and it slows your system down and makes pages hard to open) that was blocking my access to certain pages. He told me people have complained to him before about iYogi. If you have Norton and have to call customer service, be sure it’s the actual Norton (Symantec) website’s number.

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I don’t know why everything has to be so hard.

That’s it for the negativity for today. Tomorrow’s another day.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself you are still moving forward even if you take a step back sometimes. I don’t have as many bad days as I used to. But I was beating myself up for having a bad day, being negative, oversensitive, hypervigilant, impatient, and envious. I need to stop beating myself up all the time. I’m too hard on myself. I was trained too well.

Girl Scout Cookies and God…

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Original art from Deviantart.com

It’s times like this my self esteem and progress in healing seems to take a dive into the toilet.
I don’t handle frustration well at all, and it can set me off on my old unhealthy patterns of negative thinking, feeling victimized, and wallowing in self pity.

I am having the tranny rebuilt on my car, and have just enough money from my tax return to have it done. Of course, God always comes through if you ask, and that’s what he did–but I still can’t help feeling sorry for myself because now I have to use my tax return to replace my tranny (and have a car that runs by the end of this week) instead of doing things I would prefer to do, like going to a few concerts or even planning a weekend trip. I know I should be grateful this happened now–when I have the money–instead of later on, when most likely I would not be able to afford it at all.

For the past two days, my roommate hasn’t been feeling well, so she has allowed me to borrow her car to get back and forth to work. Today I needed to get to the bank before they closed to deposit my state return and buy a few groceries. I live about a mile and a half away from the store, and the weather is nice so walking (which I would up doing) isn’t really an issue.

My roommate’s car wouldn’t start and we couldn’t jump start it with my jump start machine either. My daughter has a friend who was picking her up to go to the mall, and it would have been easy enough for her to drop me off at the shopping center so I could do my errands, but she said there wasn’t enough room in the car (there wasn’t).

So I walked, and instead of feeling happy that I could enjoy this beautiful and mild late winter day with the breeze in my face, I felt petulant and victimized instead. When they drove past me and didn’t slow down to ask me if I needed a ride after all, I felt angry and just wanted to give them all the finger. I know it was irrational of me because there were already 5 people in the car along with a baby, but I couldn’t help feeling like the victim again.

Now I’m cranky and depressed and just feel like sleeping away the rest of the day. Is this terribly narcissistic of me? I think it really is. I hate myself for feeling this way, and sometimes it feels like these sort of situations just make dogmeat out of all the progress I’ve made.

I know those of us healing from narcissistic abuse and PTSD have setbacks, but I still can’t help feeling like the way I feel is just wrong and selfish. So there’s guilt on top of everything else.

I knew I needed to blog about this today, as embarrassing as it is to admit how immature and childish I am behaving. I’m sure many of you have felt similarly in these sort of frustrating situations, even when they’re relatively minor, as this one is.

I need to focus on my blessings: my car WILL be fixed (even though it will set me back) and I had an opportunity to take a nice long walk on a pretty day. I also stopped and bought a box of my favorite mint chocolate Girl Scout cookies from some girls outside the supermarket. Think I’ll go indulge now. When all else fails, chocolate is great therapy.

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This may be the best therapy at times like this.

I’m ready for this day to be over.

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1. I’m getting sick. I’m feverish and achey and coughing. I hope it’s not the flu. Or Ebola.

2. I got screamed at today by my boss for a really stupid reason.

3. I got a phone call from my neighbor this morning that the power company truck was here to shut off my power. I paid my bill in full on the 17th. Turns out it was a mistake–it was someone else who’s power was supposed to be shut off. But I had to spend all day between jobs on the phone trying to straighten everything out. The power was on when I got home and my roommate said it was never shut off at all.

4. The Paul/Michael saga continues. Just as I expected, Paul now knows what a malignant piece of shit my ex is. I talked to him again last night for along time, and he agrees with me now that Michael is a thoroughly evil d-bag. Since Paul told him to move out, Michael’s been hacking into Paul’s Facebook account and posting messages on his wall that make him look bad. Paul has kids in Florida and wants custody of them, and Michael is doing this to sabotage him because he knows Child Services checks Facebook now. He’s doing other sneaky things too and Paul doesn’t trust him.

This almost made me laugh: Michael told Paul he was doing HIM a favor when he moved in. He actually said, “I LET you have me stay here.” LMAO!

But I’m worried about Paul. I haven’t heard from him all day.

For awhile I thought Michael had called the power company and asked my power to be shut off because he knows Paul and I talk. But actually it wasn’t that. I wouldn’t put something like that past him though. He’s incredibly spiteful.

I’m worried that when Molly gets out in 2 days she might be mad that Paul kicked out her father. She needs to go No Contact with him but I know she won’t. Michael told all her friends Paul is “too controlling.” On Facebook.

I don’t know if I’ll post anything else tonight. I’m sick and tired. I don’t feel like writing much. I might later.

I did just get a text from Paul a second ago. He’s driving Michael into downtown tomorrow. At least there’s one worry I can check off my list.

One good thing. My stats are still up. I know why too. Haha.