Girl Scout Cookies and God…

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It’s times like this my self esteem and progress in healing seems to take a dive into the toilet.
I don’t handle frustration well at all, and it can set me off on my old unhealthy patterns of negative thinking, feeling victimized, and wallowing in self pity.

I am having the tranny rebuilt on my car, and have just enough money from my tax return to have it done. Of course, God always comes through if you ask, and that’s what he did–but I still can’t help feeling sorry for myself because now I have to use my tax return to replace my tranny (and have a car that runs by the end of this week) instead of doing things I would prefer to do, like going to a few concerts or even planning a weekend trip. I know I should be grateful this happened now–when I have the money–instead of later on, when most likely I would not be able to afford it at all.

For the past two days, my roommate hasn’t been feeling well, so she has allowed me to borrow her car to get back and forth to work. Today I needed to get to the bank before they closed to deposit my state return and buy a few groceries. I live about a mile and a half away from the store, and the weather is nice so walking (which I would up doing) isn’t really an issue.

My roommate’s car wouldn’t start and we couldn’t jump start it with my jump start machine either. My daughter has a friend who was picking her up to go to the mall, and it would have been easy enough for her to drop me off at the shopping center so I could do my errands, but she said there wasn’t enough room in the car (there wasn’t).

So I walked, and instead of feeling happy that I could enjoy this beautiful and mild late winter day with the breeze in my face, I felt petulant and victimized instead. When they drove past me and didn’t slow down to ask me if I needed a ride after all, I felt angry and just wanted to give them all the finger. I know it was irrational of me because there were already 5 people in the car along with a baby, but I couldn’t help feeling like the victim again.

Now I’m cranky and depressed and just feel like sleeping away the rest of the day. Is this terribly narcissistic of me? I think it really is. I hate myself for feeling this way, and sometimes it feels like these sort of situations just make dogmeat out of all the progress I’ve made.

I know those of us healing from narcissistic abuse and PTSD have setbacks, but I still can’t help feeling like the way I feel is just wrong and selfish. So there’s guilt on top of everything else.

I knew I needed to blog about this today, as embarrassing as it is to admit how immature and childish I am behaving. I’m sure many of you have felt similarly in these sort of frustrating situations, even when they’re relatively minor, as this one is.

I need to focus on my blessings: my car WILL be fixed (even though it will set me back) and I had an opportunity to take a nice long walk on a pretty day. I also stopped and bought a box of my favorite mint chocolate Girl Scout cookies from some girls outside the supermarket. Think I’ll go indulge now. When all else fails, chocolate is great therapy.

girl_scoutcookies
This may be the best therapy at times like this.

16 thoughts on “Girl Scout Cookies and God…”

  1. You need to be kind to yourself and to recognize that all these challenges build character. Are you feeling like a real character yet? 😉

    It’s easy to perceive ourselves as a failure and to forget how much strength and grace these kinds of challenges really require. They are not fair, we don’t always get what we deserve, but you can take comfort in the fact that you’ve now developed some skills that others don’t have.

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  3. From what I’m reading (which is all I can go by) it doesn’t sound like you are BEHAVING badly. Your feelings are just that. Your feelings. ACoN’s (I think) have this thing with feeling like they SHOULDN’T feel certain ways. And to that I can now say it’s bullshit.

    It would be a whole different thing if you actually did give them all the finger or screamed and yelled at your daughter about her being selfish or some crap like that. Those actions would be narcissistic. But those feelings? Give yourself some slack and feel it.

    Trying to put sugar on it and say that you should be feeling another way is just denying yourself the genuine feelings. These kind of feelings aren’t set backs either. People have emotions for a reason. God gave you sad, angry, frustrated just like he gave you joy and happy. No matter how much progress we make, we will always have a plethora of emotion. At least I hope so. It’s what makes us human.

    So be sad, feel frustrated, feel sorry for yourself. Just because things could be worse doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel bad about a situation that is still crappy. That’s not narcissistic, it’s human. Now taking it out on others, that’s the part that’s narcissistic.

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    • There have been times I’ve acted on my ugly feelings though…I didn’t this time, but I have before (because I may be borderline, not that that’s an excuse). I guess we all have done things we’re not proud of or felt ways that make us ashamed. We all human and we are all sinners so we are all narcissistic to some degree. I think they are normal as long as they’re not taken to extremes or acted on most of the time. I need to stop beating myself up for having normal emotions.

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      • I do the same thing, beat myself up AND behave in unacceptable ways.

        I also now, try to do two more things though.

        1. I ask myself what I think the trigger is. That helps sometimes since it usually is a trigger from childhood. I learn quite a bit from asking myself this question.

        2. The other thing is I remember this convo I had on the phone with my sister. (Actually it wasn’t really a conversation. It was a verbal beating by her to me and she told me I needed to stop feeling a certain way that I had told her I was feeling.)

        Needless to say it was the last time I tried to have a human convo with her, realizing finally it would never happen. But anyway, I remember those words that came out of her nasty narcissistic mouth and it helps me realize how much of a lie it is to tell myself I should not be feeling however it is I’m feeling.

        I’m kind of with you on sleeping the rest of the day away because the weather here is cold. And it’s snowing. 😦

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  4. life happens and we all react to it, our reactions are not always positive, I think your reaction is pretty normal, I mean when life hands a person a really crappy event or a series of bad events, people tend to react negatively and even blaming themselves for their run of bad luck, the trick is to be able to turn off that self loathing and self destructive thought pattern, some can switch it off easily, how ever i can not, just try to remember that none of this is any fault of yours, and you have never done anything to deserve the run of bad luck, it’s easier said than done I know, but try to look at the positive side of all this, you will have a good running car when this is done that should last another year or two, your long walk was a healthy choice, and it was a pleasant day,and the bonus…. you have chocolates! it’s hard to see the positives when all your life all you have known is negatives.

    You have every right to be feeling all those emotions you feel, don’t convince yourself that you don’t, and no your not a Narc, you’re human 🙂

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  5. Yes, speaking as a daughter of a nm, who also tries to focus on gratitude & sometimes life feels overwhelming & I can wallow in a great big ole pity party.

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  6. It does sound a little narcissistic, but there is a healthy amount of it and an unhealthy amount of it. Be a little selfish, get it out of the way. Tomorrow will be a new day…

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  8. There is nothing new for me to add, except I agree with the others have said. There is nothing wrong with feeling badly about what’s going on. Of course you wanted the money for other things, who wouldn’t? It makes sense. I feel your pain.

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    • It is what it is. At least the $ came through at the right time. God always has a plan. I slept most of the day away, I wake up to gusts up to 70mph winds! I went to let the dog out and he could barely stand and came running back in! Thank God I don’t live in the trailer anymore. This house is sturdy as a rock.

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  9. For the record, I think it was rude of your daughter’s friend not to give you a lift. They should have left a couple of people at your house for a few minutes, dropped you off at the store, picked up the others and headed off to the mall, feeling good about having done a nice thing. They (particular the driver) missed an opportunity to be generous to a fellow human, and that’s a damn shame. You’re a good person. Enjoy your thin mints!

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