Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you have found this blog, through the fake name I have been using on social media. For obvious reasons, I do not use my real name on social media for anything that is associated with this blog. This is not only to protect me, but to protect the privacy of people I write about in my posts, because what I write about those people is for the most part not complimentary.

I did not want you to know about this blog. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday. It’s gaining an online presence though so really, it was only a matter of time.

But since you do know about it, please allow me to explain my motives here and the reason why I am doing this.

When I disconnected from my ex (called Michael in this blog), I realized I was suffering from PTSD and intermittent deep depressions. My mind and spirit had been crushed into almost nothing. Malignant narcissists like “Michael” are evil to the core and can literally destroy your soul. It’s as much a spiritual disorder as it is a mental one. “Michael” very nearly turned me into someone like himself. I was one step away from developing “Stockholm Syndrome” and that would have turned me as evil as himself. There would be no turning back. I was very lucky to have the strength of will to get away when I did. Malignant narcissists have that ability. To steal your soul and turn you into one of them.

For almost a year now I have been working on myself and discovering the things that I thought had been lost forever (such as my ability to express myself through writing) had not been lost at all. But I felt lost and was still suffering from deep depressions, anxiety and hypervigilance. I plugged away at becoming independent, at thinking for myself for a change. I realized I needed therapy, but could not afford one.

I started reading a lot of blogs by others who had suffered abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist or psychopath (which are pretty much one and the same). Many of those blogs were written by ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissists). I realized in my readings that my family of origin was very dysfunctional and well, narcissistic. It was what it was. I don’t hold that against either of you or have any animosity toward you, but I couldn’t hide from the truth about my origin.

One day I decided to start a blog, and its original intention was self-therapy. I wanted it to be public to form a sort of support group. I didn’t want to just make it a private journal because to me that feels like screaming into a void. Feedback from others, including professionals in the field of NPD and psychopathy who read my blog, gives me clarity on my own disorders and those of others who have damaged me. I also hoped my story might help others along the way to recovery and it appears that is starting to happen.

One of my caveats in starting this blog was complete and total honesty about both my marriage and my family of origin. There are things in this blog that you will not like reading and that you may disagree with. Some things may anger you. But this is my blog and these are my feelings. They may be incorrect, but they are still my feelings and impressions. If I were in therapy, these are the kinds of things the therapist would hear. This is public group therapy for me and why I don’t use my actual name.

It’s the best thing that ever happened to me, or rather, the best decision I ever made. I have learned incredibly things about myself in this undertaking, and one of the side benefits of this was that inadvertently, other people told me this blog has inspired and helped them deal with their abusers too. I am happier now than I have ever been and a lot less anxious all the time.

I feel like everything that happened–with “Michael” and all the school bullying and alcholism and other dysfunction in my family of origin (FOO)–was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I realized God wanted me to use these experiences to help other people. He wanted me to tell my story because so many others can relate and be inspired or given courage. In the process of writing this blog, I have found God and a church that I feel comfortable with. I will never be a fundamentalist Christian or take the Bible as a literal document, but I have also accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior. For the first time ever, I am understanding His presence in my life and the unbelievable things he is doing for me. He is the best friend I ever had.

I always thought God hated me. He does not. He loves me, and that’s why he gave me all those experiences–to teach me things about a devastating mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as other disorders I have realized I suffer from. Not long ago, I realized I had Aspergers syndrome. I am self-diagnosed, but this was confirmed by a psychiatrist. It explains so much about my lifelong social awkwardness, difficulty making and keeping friends, and inability to read social cues. Things are getting better though, and through this endeavor, I am making new friends who truly understand me and what I’m all about. There are many people with Aspergers on the Internet, because the Internet is where most of us feel most comfortable expressing ourselves. I also suffer from PTSD (from being with “Michael” so long and allowing him to manipulate me because I wasn’t strong or courageous enough to leave or resist his games), but that’s getting better. I’m feeling less numb and am starting to enjoy life again and appreciate the simplest gifts God has to offer.

I have been getting letters and comments from other survivors who say this blog has helped them and that means so much to me that every time I read one of those I get tears in my eyes. I never thought I could be of any positive use in this world having too many issues of my own to deal with, but instead, by working through those issues publicly, I am helping others too.

This blog is gaining a presence, due to my determination for it to be successful. I try to balance all the seriousness with lightness and humor and the negative with the positive. I write about other things besides narcissism to keep it balanced. Recently, a writer who has written well known books in the field of narcissism has discovered my blog and has done me an enormous favor by pushing it out there on social media. I’m enormously flattered by this but it has brought me many more views than I would have without his help. This blog has also appeared on blogrolls and lists of resources for ACONS and victims of abusive relationships.

It’s only been over 3 months since the day I sat down and on a whim decided to start writing, but it’s taking off like firecrackers now. I’ve also been asked to write a review of a new book that is coming out and I will be writing a biography of someone important in the field. I was going to put that project on the back burner because I thought it was taking the focus off my own recovery, but I just was informed by another editor and writer that he wants to help me as far as obtaining interviews with my subject, who lives in a foreign country, and providing other information that will be helpful.

I’m not going to allow any of this to go to my head because I realize it’s not really me who’s doing this, it’s God directing me where I am supposed to be going. I give credit to God for all the great things that are starting to happen. Everything that ever happens to us is for a reason, and finally, finally I was ready to graduate from my “schooling” and DO something with all the lessons I learned.

My lack of success thus far has everything to do with allowing others to control me and being too afraid to think for myself and be completely honest. Now all that is going to change. Some people are late bloomers but they can still bloom.

This is God’s will for me, his way of using me in this world, and I am sticking with this until the day I die, or until He has another plan for me.

I realize some of this will be hard for you to read and may upset you. You may just want to skip over parts of it. Please try to realize these are just my feelings. This blog is about brutal honesty. I will hold nothing back. I won’t lie or sugar coat anything. I also will never make this blog private. It’s open to anyone who wants to read it. It’s not my intention to antagonize or anger anyone. I just want to be a whole person and writing about my experiences is cathartic and healing for me. It’s working.

Note to my Dad: actually, it was you who started me down the road to recovery when you sent me M. Scott Peck’s book, “People of the Lie,” which I have reviewed here on this blog. When I read it, like you, I recognized my ex for what he was, and even though it was years before I was able to totally disconnect from him (we call it “No Contact” in the world of narcissistic abuse), it was like a bright shining light I couldn’t escape from. It planted the seed for what was to come, and for that, Dad, I want to say Thank you.

To both of you: in spite of the things you may read here, I do love both of you. I wouldn’t be here today without you. You brought me into this world and taught me much of what I know, even though much of it was painful. I also rememeber good times too. Keep in mind, I started this blog due to “Michael” and his abusive mindgames, not as a way to trash my family of origin. He did the most damage to me, I am sure of this as I am sure the sun will rise tomorrow. But that’s okay because today I’m a better person for it.