Category Archives: Uncategorized

I wasn’t sure about this, but…

Posted on by

 

I wasn’t sure I should post this on my main blog or not, but why the hell not? I’m an emotional wreck about this, and really triggered too because if this happens, it proves what I’ve suspected all along about being a total reject in my own family. If this happens, there is no longer any doubt of what they all think of me. The anxiety is almost unbearable. It’s not about the money, it’s about being judged once and for all by my narc family as “not worthy” and “not acceptable” and “never good enough.” I have no idea how I’ll react if this happens. If this happens, there are NO good excuses for such a thing and will prove to me just what horrible people I’ve been dealing with my whole life.  No normal, loving families would EVER do this to one of their own.   Mine might, and I’m scared to death.

https://downtherabbitholeblog.org/2016/06/10/my-first-really-unpleasant-therapy-session/

I’m going to be talking in therapy about this for quite some time, if it happens.  I’m also afraid if it happens, emotionally I’ll be back where I was two years ago and all the positive changes I’ve made will all come undone.   THAT’s how devastated I will be and there will be NO forgiveness for that.

My DD calls me a narcissist, but is it her or me, of both of us?

Posted on by

momanddaughter_argue

From a text conversation I had with DD this morning:

Me: Do you want to go to the pool today?

DD: I will lyk (let you know) in a few, I’m trying to find a way to cough up $50+ for Weston’s (best friend’s 2 year old son) birthday present ugggh

Me:  Cool, but you do remember you forgot to even get me a card or anything on Mothers Day

DD:  Wow, it’s always all about you isn’t it.  You can be such a selfish c__t.

Me: Really? You are the one being a you know what.  And you know how I feel about that word.  Your father always liked to call me that.  I am sorry you are depressed or whatever but I would like an apology.  I am tired of you treating me like crap.

DD: WTF are you talking about?  I’m trying to sleep for a few and I care about that child,  hence why I am getting him something nice for his birthday but since your selfish ways won’t permit me to get him anything nice I’ll spend the rest of my money on YOU so stop worrying.

Me: Just read my last message.  I hate how you talk to me. 

DD: Honestly, you are too self absorbed to realize that I care about that child and want to spend money on him but since your selfish ways exactly what I just said are getting in the way of me doing that, don’t you worry I’m not going to buy him a damn thing, instead I’ll buy you everything!  That was pretty much what I just said 3 minutes ago so I know how I sound, I am always nice to you and you just have to call me up telling me not to spend money on a two year old because how dare I not get something for you, God forbid. Don’t talk to me the rest of the day, I am not in the mood for you. 

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.  You didn’t spend one penny on a gift for me but went all out for your dad on his birthday, getting him 20 things, and guess what. I have feelings and that hurts…it’s called having feelings and not being selfish.  It’s like I mean nothing to you.  Sorry you’re in one of your bitch-moods.   I still want to go to the pool with you today. 

DD: Money is a really important issue in your life, isn’t it.  Actually that’s a dumb question because I know it’s pretty much your whole life.  So I am so so so so so so sorry about not spending thousands of dollars on you, God forbid that you never pay me back that $5000 [for the record, she never loaned me $5,000]  but I’ not going to bring that up am I?

Me: You just did, and you and I both know you never loaned me that sum of money. 

DD: Whatever. I haven’t slept, I’ve been stressed, I have no money ever, I have a job I hate, I hate my life and you want to call me at 7 in the morning and say we’re going to be late to the pool and they don’t open til 10.   I probably will not be joining you today we can go another day nut I do not want to see you today to be honest.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just means I don’t like you right now. I stayed up all night now I need to get some sleep

Me: (replying to an earlier message–I had not got her last text yet):   Why are you being so mean? Go back to sleep.

DD: I’m going to sleep.  I forgot it was Fathers Day too. Now both my self absorbed parents are mad at me now because I haven’t bought them a gift. So excuse me for not spending money on you, too bad, bye.

Me: Even if you had only made a Mothers Day card-it’s not about the money, like I keep telling you, it’s the thought.   Anyway, I think when you get up later you should apologize because you were really mean to me and hurt my feelings. 

DD: I think you should apologize for waking me up, keeping me on the phone to argue, and self diagnosing me when you’re not a licensed therapist [where did I diagnose her in this convo?] so please keep your opinions to yourself.  You’re not getting an apology, I always apologize, this is your turn.  So this is the last time I’m going to tell you.  I am not going to answer any more from you so please do not text me again. 

Me: I am texting again because I still want  to take you to the pool. I will be there at 12:30. I also want to say this for you to think about.  If I consistently always forgot your birthday  but always remembered everyone else’s, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be hurt, I know you would.  You need to grow some empathy.  And I was not diagnosing you, where do you see a diagnosis?   But I did see that you called me “self absorbed” which is kind of a diagnosis, isn’t it?   I just wanted you to know that I feel like I’m unimportant to you, so it isn’t about the money at all.  You know I’m not the materialistic type.

There were no more replies after this.

Reading this back over, I think both of us were acting like narcissists.

DD was using the old tactic of “all or nothing” (a form of splitting), eg, “you complain that I didn’t get you a gift–even a cheap $1 gift–so that means you’re materialistic and only care about money.”     Also she was the one who started the name calling by calling me a c__t (knowing how I feel about that word).   She also lied (telling me she loaned me $5000 when it was only $1000 and I paid most of that back). It’s true–she did completely forget about Mother’s Day (claiming she was broke), but still went out and spent $100 for her father on his birthday which was the same week.   It’s not the money that was spent, it was that I felt like he was important to her and I was not (and maybe that’s partly true).     She was also projecting her own self centeredness onto me (although I think we were both being pretty self centered).  Of course, she has heard a lot from her father (my MN ex) too, about my alleged narcissism.  Then she lied a second time, accusing me of diagnosing her when in fact I was not.

In her favor, I know she’s been depressed lately and she’s quick to anger when depressed, but sometimes when she’s like this I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  It was early and I probably got her up when she was half asleep.

On my side, I did use guilt-tripping on her and kept belaboring the same issue even after she said she wanted to go back to sleep.

In conclusion, I don’t think either of us approached this argument in a healthy or mature way.   For the record, she has also been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD, and she is symptomatic a lot.  Put two Borderlines together (even when one is recovering) and there’s always going to be drama because all kinds of stuff gets triggered.   But I’m never prepared for it when it happens.   I feel kind of horrible now, but should I apologize to her anyway even though she was at least half wrong?

Anyway, this is the beauty of text messaging.  You can go back over a conversation later and analyze it in a way you can never do with a spoken conversation.

3 childish and infuriating things narcs do to make you shut up.

Posted on by

There are two variations of the Silent Treatment that are common in narcissists (and bratty children, who narcissists resemble).

Your Narc ever do either of these things to you? My MN sociopathic ex used to do these things ALL the time whenever I was trying to make an important point and/or defend myself from his abuses. Whenever he did either of these things, I wanted to shove his face through a wall.

1. The Sing-Song Game.

cant_hear_you

If I was trying to tell him something important, he’d actually stick his fingers in his ears and sing “LALALALALALA!” Like the Silent Treatment, this tactic is an effective way of making you feel not heard, with the added advantage of implying that your message is unimportant or stupid enough to attract such a childish reaction. It’s infuriating–and of course that’s the intention.  They’re trying to get a reaction from you, because an emotional reaction (even a negative one) gives them an easy fix of narcissistic supply.

2. The Echo Chamber.

pleasekeeprepeating

Echolalia (repeating everything you just said) might be even more infuriating than the Sing-Song Game. It’s another thing both children and narcissists love to do to cut down anything you have to say. You say or ask something, and they repeat it. You ask them to stop, and they repeat that. And on into eternity. They may even mock your tone of voice while doing this or your mannerisms. My ex also did this all the time.

You: “I wish you’d chew your food with your mouth closed.”
N: “I wish you’d chew your food with your mouth closed.” (said with mouth full of food)
You: “I asked you not to do that.”
N: “I asked you not to do that.”
You: (sighs)
N: (exaggerated sigh)
You: “Do I have to leave?”
N: “Do I have to leave?”
You: (becoming angry): “STOP IT!”
N: (exaggerating your angry tone of voice): “STOP IT!”

If you respond with silence at this point, you’ll be met with silence too. After all, this is only a variation of the silent treatment. The best thing to do is leave. Nothing you do or say is going to stop them, until they become bored.

3.  Smile!

inappropriate_smile

Sometimes, when you’re trying to talk about a serious subject, the narcissist will smile or even giggle inappropriately. Oh, they know you’re being serious, but again this tactic is meant to undercut the seriousness of what you’re trying to say and is intended to annoy or anger you.  It’s a simple but effective weapon to kill communication.

Can you think of other infuriating, childish things  narcs do to kill communication?  I may add them to this post.

Suffering can create maturity in survivors

Posted on by

There are a few people in this world that astound me with their ability to find the silver lining behind every black cloud and these are the people who always inspire me to do better. Katie is one of them. You should follow her blog because it’s awesome.

Please leave comments under the original post.

My dad is gone.

Posted on by

 

I just found out he passed away a few minutes ago. He wasn’t in any pain at all.
RIP Dad.  Love you.

billandmom

My dad at age 3 with his mother, 1930.

dad2005

My dad sitting at the table at their home, Summer 2005 (this was the last time I visited him there).    I’m standing on the right in the black T-shirt.

 

My dad…update.

Posted on by

I just received an email from my dad’s wife (my stepmother). Here is part of it:

Everything seems to be same with a few add-ons. The urine output is almost nonexistent
which means his kidneys are shutting down. I also asked why his tongue is hanging like
that and the nurse said that he is not able to hold his reflexes.
Yesterday, after I had talked to all three of you, I told ____ what you wanted me to convey
to him and then asked him to squeeze my hand if he heard me and, he did. I have not
had that kind of response from him since.

Please keep both of them in your prayers. Thank you.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams (cover)–“BPD” cover.

Posted on by

Ted Giffin, a musician, said he read my earlier post from today that compared the lyrics of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” to the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and this arrangement of the song was inspired by that post.

My comments about his version:

I like this arrangement-the melody sounds slightly “off” but in a way I think you intended. It does seem as if there is more than one voice all kind of at war with each other, and there seems to be a scattered kind of feeling and some kind of extraneous “noise” like the noise that goes on in the head of a triggered Borderline (or person with CPTSD/PTSD). I think this is what you intended…anyway, I think this is a really interesting version and the vocals are good.

You can listen to Ted’s arrangement on his blog post.  Enjoy!

6/6/16:  Ted just posted the music video:

https://tedgiffin.com/2016/06/06/boulevard-of-broken-dreams-video/

tedgiffin's avatarArtist- Ted Giffin - Musician

I was surfing the internet today checking out blog posts.
I came across one that made me think of the Green Day Song called
‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, in an entirely new light.
The thought was that the lyrics were an accurate expression of
the internal experiences of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have had friends who struggle with the affliction.
So I tried to sing the song from that vantage point.
To see the post, that inspired my version. Visit:
https://luckyottershaven.com/2016/06/05/monday-melody-boulevard-of-broken-dreams-green-day/

Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I…

View original post 198 more words

Gone fishing!

Posted on by

So my son who lives on the Gulf Coast of Florida applied for his fishing license today. He has gotten into fishing in a big way thanks to a friend of his. They went fishing today in spite of somewhat unpleasant weather and my son just caught THIS!

blueclaws

He’s even going to take me fishing when I go visit him later this summer or in the early fall. I’m excited! He might get me “hooked.”

My dad…

Posted on by

A few hours ago, I received a phone call from my son.  He told me to call my mother and said she had been trying to reach me for several days.   He said it had to do with my dad and was important. There were no notifications of any messages and I had not received any calls from her.   Even though I’m NC with my mom, I still felt terrible.   Of course I called her right away.

She told me my dad fell down on some pavement a few days ago, and there has been bleeding in his brain. He has suffered from Parkinson’s for a couple of decades, but recently  he’s been unable to keep his balance and is prone to falls.   He’s also very fragile at age 90.  He is unable to speak or move, and is being transferred to 24/7 hospice care, where doctors expect he will pass on.   However, his wife (not my mother) tells me that he is conscious because he will squeeze her hand to let her know he heard something and earlier today he opened his eyes.   My dad has always been in good health for his advanced age, in spite of the Parkinson’s, and has a strong will to survive.   So it does look hopeful but because he is so fragile and his brain could throw clots at any time, he might not make it.

I wish I felt more emotional than I do.  I haven’t had a lot of contact with my father in several years, and only speak to him a few times a year, but he always tires easily and doesn’t always make much sense when he can talk.   I feel like I’m going through the motions of a worried/grieving daughter, but I only feel a vague sadness, as if this happened to someone else’s father.  Of course I don’t want him to die, but I know it will happen pretty soon even if he survives this.   Because of our unfortunate family dynamics, where I’m so estranged from both my parents (my father less so), I feel very disconnected from family events and milestones and can’t work up a lot of emotion.    I’m glad he’s in good hands and has a devoted wife who takes care of him and friends who are checking in on him.

If you pray, please say a prayer for my dad’s recovery.

My search terms are putting me to sleep.

Posted on by

man asleep at the computer Dreamstime.com
Credit: Dreamstime.com

I don’t have good ideas every day for new posts.  During the first year I had this blog, when I couldn’t think of anything to write about, I could always consult my search terms page and post the funny ones.  Sometimes I even got ideas for new blog posts from a search term.  Some of you may remember these posts.  They always got a lot of laughs, mostly from yours truly.

But for awhile now, my search terms have been about as interesting as watching paint dry.  I don’t think I’ve just grown bored with my search terms; I think my search terms really are that boring.   So I can’t use them for ideas or humorous posts making fun of them.  I wonder why my search terms are so dull these days.