My DD calls me a narcissist, but is it her or me, of both of us?

momanddaughter_argue

From a text conversation I had with DD this morning:

Me: Do you want to go to the pool today?

DD: I will lyk (let you know) in a few, I’m trying to find a way to cough up $50+ for Weston’s (best friend’s 2 year old son) birthday present ugggh

Me:  Cool, but you do remember you forgot to even get me a card or anything on Mothers Day

DD:  Wow, it’s always all about you isn’t it.  You can be such a selfish c__t.

Me: Really? You are the one being a you know what.  And you know how I feel about that word.  Your father always liked to call me that.  I am sorry you are depressed or whatever but I would like an apology.  I am tired of you treating me like crap.

DD: WTF are you talking about?  I’m trying to sleep for a few and I care about that child,  hence why I am getting him something nice for his birthday but since your selfish ways won’t permit me to get him anything nice I’ll spend the rest of my money on YOU so stop worrying.

Me: Just read my last message.  I hate how you talk to me. 

DD: Honestly, you are too self absorbed to realize that I care about that child and want to spend money on him but since your selfish ways exactly what I just said are getting in the way of me doing that, don’t you worry I’m not going to buy him a damn thing, instead I’ll buy you everything!  That was pretty much what I just said 3 minutes ago so I know how I sound, I am always nice to you and you just have to call me up telling me not to spend money on a two year old because how dare I not get something for you, God forbid. Don’t talk to me the rest of the day, I am not in the mood for you. 

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.  You didn’t spend one penny on a gift for me but went all out for your dad on his birthday, getting him 20 things, and guess what. I have feelings and that hurts…it’s called having feelings and not being selfish.  It’s like I mean nothing to you.  Sorry you’re in one of your bitch-moods.   I still want to go to the pool with you today. 

DD: Money is a really important issue in your life, isn’t it.  Actually that’s a dumb question because I know it’s pretty much your whole life.  So I am so so so so so so sorry about not spending thousands of dollars on you, God forbid that you never pay me back that $5000 [for the record, she never loaned me $5,000]  but I’ not going to bring that up am I?

Me: You just did, and you and I both know you never loaned me that sum of money. 

DD: Whatever. I haven’t slept, I’ve been stressed, I have no money ever, I have a job I hate, I hate my life and you want to call me at 7 in the morning and say we’re going to be late to the pool and they don’t open til 10.   I probably will not be joining you today we can go another day nut I do not want to see you today to be honest.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just means I don’t like you right now. I stayed up all night now I need to get some sleep

Me: (replying to an earlier message–I had not got her last text yet):   Why are you being so mean? Go back to sleep.

DD: I’m going to sleep.  I forgot it was Fathers Day too. Now both my self absorbed parents are mad at me now because I haven’t bought them a gift. So excuse me for not spending money on you, too bad, bye.

Me: Even if you had only made a Mothers Day card-it’s not about the money, like I keep telling you, it’s the thought.   Anyway, I think when you get up later you should apologize because you were really mean to me and hurt my feelings. 

DD: I think you should apologize for waking me up, keeping me on the phone to argue, and self diagnosing me when you’re not a licensed therapist [where did I diagnose her in this convo?] so please keep your opinions to yourself.  You’re not getting an apology, I always apologize, this is your turn.  So this is the last time I’m going to tell you.  I am not going to answer any more from you so please do not text me again. 

Me: I am texting again because I still want  to take you to the pool. I will be there at 12:30. I also want to say this for you to think about.  If I consistently always forgot your birthday  but always remembered everyone else’s, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be hurt, I know you would.  You need to grow some empathy.  And I was not diagnosing you, where do you see a diagnosis?   But I did see that you called me “self absorbed” which is kind of a diagnosis, isn’t it?   I just wanted you to know that I feel like I’m unimportant to you, so it isn’t about the money at all.  You know I’m not the materialistic type.

There were no more replies after this.

Reading this back over, I think both of us were acting like narcissists.

DD was using the old tactic of “all or nothing” (a form of splitting), eg, “you complain that I didn’t get you a gift–even a cheap $1 gift–so that means you’re materialistic and only care about money.”     Also she was the one who started the name calling by calling me a c__t (knowing how I feel about that word).   She also lied (telling me she loaned me $5000 when it was only $1000 and I paid most of that back). It’s true–she did completely forget about Mother’s Day (claiming she was broke), but still went out and spent $100 for her father on his birthday which was the same week.   It’s not the money that was spent, it was that I felt like he was important to her and I was not (and maybe that’s partly true).     She was also projecting her own self centeredness onto me (although I think we were both being pretty self centered).  Of course, she has heard a lot from her father (my MN ex) too, about my alleged narcissism.  Then she lied a second time, accusing me of diagnosing her when in fact I was not.

In her favor, I know she’s been depressed lately and she’s quick to anger when depressed, but sometimes when she’s like this I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.  It was early and I probably got her up when she was half asleep.

On my side, I did use guilt-tripping on her and kept belaboring the same issue even after she said she wanted to go back to sleep.

In conclusion, I don’t think either of us approached this argument in a healthy or mature way.   For the record, she has also been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD, and she is symptomatic a lot.  Put two Borderlines together (even when one is recovering) and there’s always going to be drama because all kinds of stuff gets triggered.   But I’m never prepared for it when it happens.   I feel kind of horrible now, but should I apologize to her anyway even though she was at least half wrong?

Anyway, this is the beauty of text messaging.  You can go back over a conversation later and analyze it in a way you can never do with a spoken conversation.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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19 Responses to My DD calls me a narcissist, but is it her or me, of both of us?

  1. nikitalondon says:

    Relationship with daughters can be complicated. 😞😞.
    I would apologize independent of who is guilty..
    It might teach her something 💝💝

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Leslie says:

    I hate text conversations. If there is more than 2 back and forths I just call. So much gets lost and confused in text messages because it doesn’t show tone.

    I hope it all works out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. melisdvash says:

    It’s a day late and a pound shy, so bearing that in mind: I don’t see that you owed her an apology, although kudos for offering one regardless of who’s wrong (does someone have to be wrong?) What I’m reading here she does ‘sound’ like a narcissistic personality. Bearing in mind that I don’t know either of you and have only this slice to go on. It’s the name-calling that really sets my back up, and the lies. I have cptsd, so I’m told, and even when I was younger I tried to be scrupulously honest – probably a reaction, at least in part, to my mother’s narcissistic lies. So I can’t know whether this is constant, or frequent, or rare, or what; but if it is constant or frequent it seems you’ve got a blooming narcissist on your hands. Don’t think you aren’t important to her – as her mother you’ve got a lot of power. Used as disapproval rather than fighting about whether or not she considers your feelings, you can guaranteed have more satisfying conversations. Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I’m not offended. My daughter does have a lot of narcissistic traits and I have often wondered if she inherited the “family disease.” BPD’s though can act like narcissists and use many of the same manipulations and abuse tactics. She is only 23– time will tell. She was her father’s golden child and he has attempted to use her as a flying monkey against me in the past, but no longer. We did actually get together yesterday and had a good time. She also knew I was depressed and was very empathetic. She also apologized for her behavior in the text messages (I apologized as well). So, I don’t know. She may be a narcissist or have a “narcissistic personality” but we like each other and I do not believe she is malignant at all. Not all narcissists are created equal. I’m glad things worked out between her and me yesterday.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Susan says:

    I just saw it like a very sudden switch on her part. an abrupt “change if channel” totally unrelated to the conversation itself. she just “decided” something and that was it. she believed it and no one could change it. a stubbornness which is usually a trigger reaction to a threat of control. she seemed to feel controlled..and mistranslated you wanting a card to her buying a gift for the child (unrelated) she took it as “one or the other” INSTEAD OF BOTH (I wrote about this strange concept on my other post about one “draining” the other”
    the one or other concept is the worst
    pitting one against another is an age old survival technique and it still gets used where its not needed.
    the control was “if I buy you a gift I CANT buy him a gift… its not rational., it isn’t true. but it registered as control only in the “one or the other/you or him” thought process
    underlying anger/unresolved issues!
    I used to do this to my mom a LOT!
    anything could set it off and we’d end up hanging up the phone and not talking for weeks
    usually over feeling like she wasn’t on my side
    this convo is totally different. I think money is an issue here. I think you really would have loved a hand made or $2 card…
    but I feel she has some stress over money it felt

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      She is very stressed out right now in general, not just about money. We did have a good day together yesterday, but you make some good points.

      Like

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