I wasn’t sure about this, but…

 

I wasn’t sure I should post this on my main blog or not, but why the hell not? I’m an emotional wreck about this, and really triggered too because if this happens, it proves what I’ve suspected all along about being a total reject in my own family. If this happens, there is no longer any doubt of what they all think of me. The anxiety is almost unbearable. It’s not about the money, it’s about being judged once and for all by my narc family as “not worthy” and “not acceptable” and “never good enough.” I have no idea how I’ll react if this happens. If this happens, there are NO good excuses for such a thing and will prove to me just what horrible people I’ve been dealing with my whole life.  No normal, loving families would EVER do this to one of their own.   Mine might, and I’m scared to death.

https://downtherabbitholeblog.org/2016/06/10/my-first-really-unpleasant-therapy-session/

I’m going to be talking in therapy about this for quite some time, if it happens.  I’m also afraid if it happens, emotionally I’ll be back where I was two years ago and all the positive changes I’ve made will all come undone.   THAT’s how devastated I will be and there will be NO forgiveness for that.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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17 Responses to I wasn’t sure about this, but…

  1. Tessa says:

    Hmmm, I guess I can imagine why you feel the way you do. I know I am not getting anything from my dad’s death. Not due to feelings, but he has no money himself. I am most likely going to find myself homeless. I hope things go the way you want them too. I hope you will be alright, but if not I pray for your survival and without your family.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I’m sorry you are in that situation, it really sucks. At my age, I’m in much the same boat. When I can no longer work, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ve not been able to save because of my meager finances. But I am not worrying about that now. I can’t allow myself to. I hope things work out for you too, we have to have faith that God will take care of us. If my family could not afford it, that would be one thing–unfortunate but certainly understandable and forgivable. But when others are invited to the “party” and you are rejected, it’s just the most horrible feeling and SO triggering.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. ❤ I hope this situation is resolved quickly and all this pent up emotion is all for not.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thumbup says:

    Hi?
    I was over at down the rabbit hole.
    Left a comment but the spambots stole my comment.
    Is it your website too?
    Feeling bad about what you’re going through.
    You know it might and/or might not happen.
    And if it happens, please be ok?
    Don’t let these worthless piece of shit do this to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thumbup says:

    OH! Never mind.
    I feel really stupid. It’s your website.after all. My apologies.
    I was at the other website send by you. Saw your comment:
    ***
    I hope you don’t think I’m a terrible person after you read this.
    ***
    Bothers me.
    Why the f ck would anybody think this way?
    You not horrible at all.

    Like

  5. cherished79 says:

    I feel for you, but I broke off all contact with the narcissistic bitch who was my mother. I don’t care if there is a will, don’t care if there is money, don’t care, don’t care. All I know is I broke off contact with the family and I never want to be involved with any of them again. I’m free. NO CONTACT is the only way! For me, I’d rather be broke than ever have to be mentioned with that family again. Just sayin’

    Sorry that you are going through this, it’s hell that you were made to feel like a piece of shit, no child deserves that, but narcissists thrive on this and they will never change. Stay strong. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. melisdvash says:

    I expect I’m disinherited, too. I’m not going to talk to anyone to find out, though, it’s not worth it. I was the scapegoat and the nothing of the family, my sister was the golden child. When my father died, there wasn’t enough money to pay for the plane fare, but I went because my sister wanted me to. Now my sister is talking to my oldest daughter sounding just like my mother. Just background I guess. What I want to say is, why wait for the will? Your father is gone and you are free to believe he loved you or not. The rest of the family seems like they do not add to your life. Nothing positive. Let them go. Let him go. Believe what you want to believe and carry on with your life. You are giving them all (including him) too much power. I am sorry your family is the way it is, but they do not have to run your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you. I know I have to let them all go. I tell myself I’m no different than an orphan. I do not want to ask if I’m in the will or not, I’m afraid of the answer. I also know that if I ask, tongues will wag about how “greedy” and “self-centered” I am. So I’ll just wait. Maybe my fears are unfounded. I expect to get less than others, but I can live with that. As long as I’m not completely disinherited. I’ll take the crumbs.
      But yes, I do have to move on, and let them go. They are not good people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Susan says:

        “I will not leave you orphans and fatherless”
        definitely a reason it was said. He knows
        we know… its the situation. heart prevails. we have hearts and theirs has been taken from them somehow too. this stand down will break.
        it feels like a release like the rains when they break the sky. its normal you feel all you do now. it will be a rough few days /weeks..as it all gets out. you need it. its healthy. don’t fear your work will be unravelled.you don’t even have to think of that right now. you can use this space and time to be free to feel anything you want and need to.this time is yours too. they instigated a reaction in you and its righteous to feel this way. you may feel shut up/enclosed in/locked up and in.. but its with the right person. you!

        Like

  7. Leslie says:

    I’m thinking of you Lauren. I hope that, whatever happens, your therapist can help you process through it. I know it will be devastating if this happens and I wish I had something amazing to say that would make you feel better. But I don’t. Only that I’m here for you and I’m sending you prayers for strength and peace. ❤ ((((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

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