Those EVIL fuckers made me think this about myself all my life and denied me the tools to ever have a good life. They continue to twist the knife even deeper now that my father’s dead.
So. I just found out via Facebook (yep, Facebook really is the devil!) that my son is being sent plane tickets to attend my father’s memorial service. I was lied to and told by my father’s wife “they didn’t know when they are having one.” That’s right. I am not invited. I feel like…all the good changes in me are going down the toilet. Way to screw me even after death.
I also am afraid the family is attempting to drive a wedge between me and my son. Funny, about a year ago, my parents said to me, “where did HE come from”? Meaning, he is wonderful and how could two fuckups like you and your (ex) husband have a child like that? I will NOT let this turn me against my son, but I’m afraid he might be swayed to their side when all this is over.
I’m triggered to the max, so triggered ALL my BPD traits are in full bore right now, so I can’t even judge if what I do right now is the right thing or not. I’m acting on impulse, much as I used to, mindfulness is in another universe. Here is what I wrote on his Facebook wall in a fit of rage (not at him, but at my fucked up excuse for a “family”):
I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I’m praying a lot too, I hope God hears me. I was screaming and crying like a 2 year old on the phone. It enrages me that I’m not allowed to really grieve because of all this, because I’ve been fucked so royally up the ass how could I feel anything but rage and betrayal? Why have I been denied being able to feel the normal grief feelings someone should feel when their father dies? Why have I been denied a place in the family where support and unconditinal love are given in times of need and loss? Why couldn’t my parents have loved me? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MAKE THEM TREAT ME LIKE THIS??????? Is there any justice??? Lady Karma has a lot of ‘splaining to do.
I just deleted the messages, but they’re here for anyone who wants to see them. I hope that nest of vipers I call a family sees them. They need to be exposed.