So it’s even worse than I thought.

myfuckingprogramming

Those EVIL fuckers made me think this about myself all my life and denied me the tools to ever have a good life.  They continue to twist the knife even deeper now that my father’s dead.

So. I  just found out via Facebook (yep, Facebook really is the devil!) that my son is being sent plane tickets to attend my father’s memorial service. I was lied to and told by my father’s wife “they didn’t know when they are having one.” That’s right. I am not invited. I feel like…all the good changes in me are going down the toilet. Way to screw me even after death.

I also am afraid the family is attempting to drive a wedge between me and my son. Funny, about a year ago, my parents said to me, “where did HE come from”? Meaning, he is wonderful and how could two fuckups like you and your (ex) husband have a child like that? I will NOT let this turn me against my son, but I’m afraid he might be swayed to their side when all this is over.

I’m triggered to the max, so triggered ALL my BPD traits are in full bore right now, so I can’t even judge if what I do right now is the right thing or not. I’m acting on impulse, much as I used to, mindfulness is in another universe. Here is what I wrote on his Facebook wall in a fit of rage (not at him, but at my fucked up excuse for a “family”):

devilfamily1

devilfamily2

I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow.  I’m praying a lot too, I hope God hears me.  I was screaming and crying like a 2 year old on the phone.   It enrages me that I’m not allowed to really grieve because of all this, because I’ve been fucked so royally up the ass how could I feel anything but rage and betrayal?  Why have I been denied being able to feel the normal grief feelings someone should feel when their father dies?   Why have I been denied a place in the family where support and unconditinal love are given in times of need and loss?  Why couldn’t my parents have loved me?  WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MAKE THEM TREAT ME LIKE THIS???????  Is there any justice???  Lady Karma has a lot of  ‘splaining to do.

I just deleted the messages, but they’re here for anyone who wants to see them.  I hope that nest of vipers I call a family sees them.  They need to be exposed.

 

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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31 Responses to So it’s even worse than I thought.

  1. carlalouise89 says:

    I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry your father has passed, and I’m so sorry your family has been treating you so cruelly. I wish you and your son all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! Unbelievable. I’m so sorry you are being treated so poorly. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. Your family sounds like a miserable lot. Hopefully your son won’t be swayed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. survivednarc says:

    So sorry you are going through this. Yes, you have the right to grieve as much as anyone else. And you have as much value as any other human being, no matter how your family acts. It pains me to hear that they treat you with such cruelty. Take care. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. nowve666 says:

    OMG! This is so terrible! Those BASTARDS! And to think you actually prayed for him! But you don’t know this was his decision. It was probably your mother. I hope you didn’t let her stay at your house. This stinks! {{{{ Lucky}}}}}

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Izrael says:

    I have seen the wonder of Karma to those deserving ones. Don’t fret those who mistreat you especially your family will get what is coming for them. And if you are lucky you will be able to watch it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Susan says:

    ive heard of this situation many times, certain family members not invited to funerals and they go anyway! uninvited and go as rightful…. this is infuriating im sorry:(
    very very bad. absurd people. could you maybe go anyway? for yourself……
    for him
    theyre not worth it. either way any decision you make ..remember they cant take away anything from your relationship with your father. honor it perfectly as separate. from any bad and negative feelings they caused…

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      No. I am not going to waste my money crashing a funeral where i’m unwanted. Besides, I am trying to save money to visit my son in Florida at the end of the summer and if I use the money to crash a funeral, I won’t be able to visit my son. Besides, going would only upset me.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Judy Wheeler says:

    My family did the same thing to me when my grandmother died. The way I found out is the neighbors grandson told my son that they went to the funeral. I called every nursing home until I found out which one she was out ( the family didn’t want me to know where she was ) I took my daughters and we went to the nursing home. The lady told me to wait, and she went to get the director. She told me my grandmother had died 3 days ago..then she ask me why my aunt Brenda didn’t tell me. I believe she felt sorry for me. They had the wake, then the funeral and instructed every damn one of my cousins, other family members, and apparently the neighbors not to tell me. They did this out of pure evil meanness bc my grandparents didn’t leave them the house in the will, ( it was a crappy dlb wide on acre acre of land). but left it to me after my mother died. I have never done anything but be there for all of them and they made sure to hit me where it would hurt the most..being the only damn person not invited to her funeral to say goodbye. The things they did while my mother was in the hospital, and after she died was just as bad. Bad enough that I’m writing all about them in my blog 🙂 Just so you know there are others that this has happen to so you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. What Contest in Hell did I win? says:

    My family did the same thing to me when my grandmother died. The way I found out is the neighbors grandson told my son that they went to the funeral. I called every nursing home until I found out which one she was out ( the family didn’t want me to know where she was ) I took my daughters and we went to the nursing home. The lady told me to wait, and she went to get the director. She told me my grandmother had died 3 days ago..then she ask me why my aunt Brenda didn’t tell me. I believe she felt sorry for me. They had the wake, then the funeral and instructed every damn one of my cousins, other family members, and apparently the neighbors not to tell me. They did this out of pure evil meanness bc my grandparents didn’t leave them the house in the will, ( it was a crappy dlb wide on acre acre of land). but left it to me after my mother died. I have never done anything but be there for all of them and they made sure to hit me where it would hurt the most..being the only damn person not invited to her funeral to say goodbye. The things they did while my mother was in the hospital, and after she died was just as bad. Bad enough that I’m writing all about them in my blog:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I am so sorry that happened to you. Your parents do sound really evil. It does feel good to write about it and get it off your chest though, doesn’t it. BTW, I love the name of your blog. Following. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Leslie says:

    Wow, just….I’ve got nothing. I’m really glad you were able to get a therapy appointment for tomorrow. Have you talked to your son on the phone or just through facebook? Because, I would definitely talk to him over the phone and make sure he knows from your mouth to his ear that you love him and wouldn’t ever do something like this to him. It’s probably the damn wife that is doing this. She’s the one offering your son plane tickets so she’s probably the one making sure you are not invited. Shit like that gets paid back by the universe and she’ll answer to God one day.

    We’re all here for you. Keep writing and get to that therapist as much as you can. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Yes, this is what I suspect though I don’t have proof of this. Anyway, yes I did talk to my son and I did let him know I would never do anything like that to him, and he reassured me he won’t let himself be turned against me and he knows I would never do anythng like that to him. I love him too much to ever do anything like that, even if he winds up doing things I don’t agree with later on. Thanks for your support and encouragement, Leslie. I’m SO triggered right now omg.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Thumbup says:

    OH!
    WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
    Mf ckers!
    Evil just plain evil!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Funny, I don’t know you but thought of you all morning as I had read this post before we went off to church. I’m sorry that you have bee hurt so much, it is so unfair. So this is an outline of the sermon which I think would help you too: Hannah’s Prayer in 1 Sam 2:1-10. She trusts God because: 1. of what she has seen (v1) 2. Despite appearances God is in control (v2-8) 3. God will judge (v9-10a) and 4. God will send His King (v10b) There were some other scriptures that came to mind to me too on thinking about you. They are when Jesus says to Simon in Luke 22:30-32 that Satan has asked to sift them all as wheat but Jesus has prayed for them that their faith would not fail. The next one was 1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Then Phil 4:13 I an do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Do you know Matt Redman’s music? He sings a beautiful song about that last reference. the link is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww5hHiFy5NU have a close listen to the words, I hope it blesses and encourages you. Praying my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Maya says:

    Where I live (in the South), no invitation is necessary to attend a funeral/memorial service. No such thing as crashing a funeral. Whomever knew the deceased and/or the family, and wants to attend, may attend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I just found that out too, but I wasn’t even told there would be one or when or where it is. It’s a not so subtle hint I’ unwanted there.

      Like

  13. katiesdream2004 says:

    Dear Beloved, valued, daughter of a the King— They can’t take that fact that you are God’s child away from you those identity thieves They want you to believe you are the beggar and orphan of the family. They want you to believe, and feel the rage and pain of being the one not wanted here. It is a tactic, the “not invited” tactic and the bs of we’ll pay the ticket for your son but not for you because well, we don’t want you. *yes they may try to turn your son against you, that is a tactic too, but kids are kind of smart, especially if they have a good heart, and if they turn for awhile they will see the light because narcs can only hide their character for so long.

    All those triggers of an old wound get trampled on, kicked at, when someone in the narc system dies. The not invited wound is one of the deepest one’s I know.
    As I watched some youtubes about narcissist families and wills they had a common theme, one last grand gesture by the family that you were never “one of them”. After my dad died the narc pigs pulled out all the stops to mentally emotionally and financially torture me. Unbeknownst to me my dad kept them at bay for some reason When he was out of the way my MN mom than had a field day creating pyrotechnics with narc children willing to do her bidding and stick it to the scapegoat for continuing to breathe.

    Apparently my dad, as narcissistic and enabling to my mom that he was had some restraining influence on their shenanigans, Thus after his death… they went nuts in a team tag lets destroy the scapegoat at long last. I wonder too if because death is beyond their control and they so want to control things they don’t look for someone to control by abuse?

    The joke is on them, they could not destroy me. I got stronger, I got freer, I got more powerful while the simmered in the acid bath of their hatred. After my dad died, the gift to me was that I felt freer to write the truth about the disgusting life I’d had in that family. I got to quit playing the “be nice, be silent” game. Blog on, it is your manifesto against abuse…

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thank you, your post here brought tears to my eyes (there’ve been a lot of those the past two days, but not for the reasons most people would think). Yes, this “not invited” game narc families play against the scapegoat when one of their own dies is one of the most cruel and vicious ones of all, because it really is the final FU and there is no way to fight back against it. Oh, it was all very subtle. I wasn’t *told* I wasn’t invited, but was lied to about “we don’t know when it will be”, etc. but my son was sent plane tickets. They definitely don’t want me there, and I wouldn’t want to go where I’m not wanted anyway. Don’t you worry, I have courage from all this, courage born of righteous anger, to keep blogging on!

      Liked by 1 person

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        Its been said “that which doesn’t kill me makes me a better writer” Cheers to future powerful blogs. In one way it is nice to know that they are still the people you thought they were. In a sad time its easy to let the guard down and think they might be decent. THe thing about the subtle un-invite it has all that plausible deniability the narcs are so very skilled at.. but you know what it means they told you you aren’t invited the way narcs tell you things; painfully

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          “That which doesn’t kill you makes you a better writer.” I think I want to havea poster made of that and hang it next to my bed! 😀
          Good point about the “plausible deniability.” They can always say later, “I never said that,’ or “oh, you’re just too sensitive,” and no one can really point to anything to prove what was actually said between the lines. It’s pure evil.

          Liked by 1 person

  14. melisdvash says:

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    Very Big Hugs.

    I think (Not that I’m one to give advice…) that you need to start with grieving yourself, your childhood, your image of a family that doesn’t match the reality of your life. There is a lot of grieving to be done, and your father may be the smallest part. When my father died I didn’t have a whole lot of grieving to do, but I *did* need to grieve the loss of the father he might have been and never would be.

    Don’t talk to your family, except your kids. They aren’t at issue. But perhaps don’t read your kids on fb? I needed to insulate myself, protect myself not only from the things that they said and did, but also from how I felt about myself any time they were a part of the picture. I needed to look at myself as worthy of the protection, but I also had to recognise that it *was* protection. That I was just to fragile to handle any of that in my life.

    My father is dead, my mother is pretty much ‘no contact,’ I talk to my sister once a week because at this point I can’t help it. I am completely cut off from my extended family. It hurts, but less than any contact with them would. I don’t think that they even think to miss me. I choose not to let their behaviour hurt me anymore. It is a choice – after one is done grieving.

    Like

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