22 things loving families don’t do.

dontdothis

  1. They don’t favor one child over another.
  2. They don’t give their children “mixed” or conflicting messages.
  3. They don’t teach their children that only material things or financial success have value and denigrate qualities like compassion, empathy, and love as “weaknesses.”
  4. They don’t disinherit their own children.  If an adult child is irresponsible with finances, they set up a trust or distribute it as income or through someone else who is trustworthy.  But they don’t disown.  That’s nothing but a slap in the face.
  5. They don’t reward a child and then punish them for the same thing later.
  6. They don’t threaten a child with “reform school,” being given up for adoption, etc.
  7. They don’t squelch, punish or discourage the honest expression of emotion, even if it’s negative.
  8. They don’t belittle a child’s talents or accomplishments
  9. They don’t tell their child they are “perfect,” especially for things they didn’t have to work toward (looks, intelligence, etc.)
  10. They never tell their child they are a “loser,” “will never accomplish anything,” are “hopeless,” “crazy,” “made bad life choices,” etc.
  11. They don’t listen to a child or adult child’s difficulty in some life situation and then tell them or imply that it’s all their own fault they got into that situation.
  12. They don’t tell an adult child they don’t have time to listen to their problems.
  13. They don’t judge you and tell you you brought those problems on yourself.
  14. They will always be there for you when you need them.  Even adults sometimes need the support of their families (emotional or financial) when life goes badly.  Families are forever, or they should be.
  15. They don’t blame you for not being successful in life if they never provided the emotional and financial resources for you to ever become successful.
  16. They forgive.  They don’t hold grudges.
  17. There are always second chances.
  18. They don’t badmouth you to other relatives, especially where there is no chance of you being able to defend yourself.
  19. They don’t tell you to check into a shelter or a convent when you are threatened with homelessness (that actually happened to me), ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.
  20. They don’t demean and belittle the poor in front of you, saying things like “the poor make their own choices and they deserve their poverty” when they know YOU are poor and there is no intention to give you a hand up.
  21. They don’t send commercialized, phony platitudes about positive thinking such as “inspirational” cards and memes (of the sort that appear in office cubicles) if there is no intention of trying to offer help to a child in any other way.
  22. They don’t throw or give away family mementos and pictures that may mean something to a child or can make an adult child still feel a sense of rootedness.  I have reason to believe my mother threw away all the old family photos of me and other things that meant something to me when I was young.
Advertisements

About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
This entry was posted in parenting advice and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to 22 things loving families don’t do.

  1. Susan says:

    everything on this list happened to me. in #19 many of these families will take your children and YOU stay in the shelter which is the lowest of the low. #19 happened to me without children..
    very painful this list.
    we broke cycle/ will never do these things to others
    we are a complete self with no need to “survive” as they do.
    even though the ways they set up to survive all fail.. I still feel they developed all these “ways” in a desperation..feeling some threat..and from whom really?! from US! they seem to feel we are “ok” and superheroes!!! we can take having no money, no home no anything!
    and we are NOT
    we were fragile victims deeply hurt..not superwomen! with strength!
    if they cant face a homeless shelter how can we?
    my mother would rather die
    yet rolled out the red carpet for me to go there
    did she think I was strong?
    I was beyond weak.
    shaking scared!
    and she saw that./my fear….and what? chose to ignore it or pretend its not happening?
    oh but it was my fault
    I found I don’t need love from those who cant give it. I only give and receive it under face to face live time natural conditions and that’s not what happened
    I guess they were all out of time in some astral heaven/earth relationship where my love is a feeling they were supposed to receive like taking a pill or drinking it in a drink instead of actually experiencing it as real
    sick sick sick
    until they feel love and joy “inside” suddenly like a spell hit them…. they don’t love me…
    they will never get this spell,pill or drink…
    I stay right here saying guess what..it had to be real.
    get used to this truth,
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I am so sorry that happened to you. 😦 The wounds are forever, no matter how much therapy, prayer, mindfulness, etc. you take on. You never really get over not being loved by your own FOO.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lynettedavis says:

        So true. As much as we try to isolate the pain, we never really get over not being loved by our original family or the trauma caused by some of the things they’ve done and said to us. I think the really sad thing about it is, it’s done with absolutely no remorse whatsoever.

        Liked by 2 people

        • luckyotter says:

          Nope, and then the world tells you to “get over it” and “move on.” People from loving families don’t understand. They never can. You never get over it.

          Liked by 1 person

          • lynettedavis says:

            True again. People from loving families can never truly understand the scope of our pain. It’s not something you get over–it’s with us for life.

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              You know what else I hate? When you’re going through a rough time and people say, “don’t you have family who can help?” Grrrrrrr! How do you tell them you don’t have that option? If you do they look at you weird or like there’s something wrong with you that you can’t go to your own family for support. When people say that I know they mean well (usually) but it makes me want to punch them in the face.

              Liked by 1 person

            • lynettedavis says:

              I hate that too! Like you said, they mean well but it only reminds us that we don’t have anyone to help us–not like normal families with a support system, not because they can’t help us, but because they choose not to.

              Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              Exactly! It’s one thing if your family is poor and can’t help you (and they may still be able to offer emotional support)…it’s quite another when they can afford to and choose not to. It’s the ultimate rejection and feels just awful. And it’s embarrassing to have to tell people from normal families your family is that way. So I don’t. Sometimes I just tell them they’re all dead. That usually shuts them up.

              Liked by 1 person

            • lynettedavis says:

              In a way, they are dead to us. They disowned us–acting as though we weren’t theirs, while we were still underage and living with them. With all their riches, we still have something that they don’t have which is why they literally hate us.

              Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              They hate us because we are the truth tellers. They hate the truth because it exposes their darkness.

              Liked by 1 person

            • lynettedavis says:

              Exactly. Just our presence alone torments them.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a really great list. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Leslie says:

    I have endured so many things on this list. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. nowve666 says:

    “They don’t send commercialized, phony platitudes about positive thinking such as “inspirational” cards and memes (of the sort that appear in office cubicles) if there is no intention of trying to offer help to a child in any other way.”

    Oh. I hate those things. Make me want to vomit.

    “They don’t throw or give away family mementos and pictures that may mean something to a child or can make an adult child still feel a sense of rootedness. I have reason to believe my mother threw away all the old family photos of me and other things that meant something to me when I was young.”

    Good grief! They DIDN’T! That’s mean beyond the telling of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Yea, the first thing makes me want to puke too. It’s given as a cheap substitute for real support and they think we’re stupid enough to think it’s real support.
      As for the second thing, I don’t have proof but I haven’t seen those pictures in years and years and no one seems to know where they are–I have asked for them. My mother always liked getting rid of “clutter” so I bet they got thrown away. Nothing has any real meaning to her.

      Like

  5. hbsuefred says:

    Don’t forget that family members are also imperfect human beings. I am on the other side of a similar situation where I have been hurt by Sis who has been more forthcoming with “friends” who have taken advantage of her than she has been w/me. I therefore am a bit reluctant to be loving and giving to her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      It’s true, siblings can be worse than parents. Sometimes the parents are acutally fine and it’s a sibling who becomes abusive, for whatever reason.

      Like

Comments are closed.