Best day ever

Posted on December 26, 2014 by luckyotter

862 views on Christmas day, FAR surpassing any previous Best Day. It didn’t seem real.

Then I got 2 private emails.

I won’t quote them here out of respect for the privacy of the individuals who wrote them (I did initially, since I wrote this post under the influence of a little too much wine, LOL). Both queries were from people who’d been referred here through Vaknin’s links.

The first one was from a woman who knew about the book I was thinking about writing about Sam. She lives in the same country as him and attends conferences with him. She offered to help me with editing/writing but more impressively she said she could help me be able to get an interview with him without having to fly to Macedonia. I am not sure how she knew about the book I’d been planning to write unless he told her himself (not surprising for a narcissist to brag someone wants to write a book about him, hehe). I had put that idea on the back burner, but since it’s something I still want to do, this offer would be incredibly helpful to me and maybe I can get to it sooner.

The second email was from a woman (Aspie like myself) who said the article that’s getting so much buzz right now made her cry tears of hope because both her sons are on the autism spectrum–the youngest one also Bipolar and showing possible narcissism. The sons’ father is a malignant narcissist and sociopath. She wanted her sons to read portions my blog because she thinks it might be as inspiring to them as it is to her.

I have no words to describe all the emotions I’m feeling right now. I love the idea this blog might be growing legs but even more so that it’s giving other people like me hope. Later my thoughts will be clearer and I’ll be able to reply to both writers of those emails.

Until then, I’ll just share some some photos I took today at Molly and Paul’s house. We had an incredibly good time and the food was amazing. Molly told me they have even been talking about marriage. Time will tell.

Dinner!

The lasagna before baking.

Blue lights on spiral stairs.

God’s presence in my life was like a flashing neon sign today. For the first time ever, I really understood the true meaning of Christmas. It has nothing to do with gifts, money or greed, but has everything to do with asking God what he wants from you and truly listening to the answer. You might have to wait a while but it will come with faith.

All that said, I’m still relieved the holiday season is over for another year. It’s not an easy time for a lot of us who have faced the worst humanity can dish out for most of our lives.

Joy to the World

Posted on December 26, 2014 by luckyotter

Call me stodgy and old fashioned, but I love old, classic, Christmas carols over the more modern remakes.

There’s 45 minutes left of December 25th. Hope everyone is in good holiday spirits and peace be with all of you.

For many years I’ve avoided Christmas carols, always thought they were stupid (and most still are), but something happened today which I will share with you all later. These two songs in particular speak to my heart right now.

This may have started as the worst Christmas I ever had, but ended as the best one I ever had.

It’s overwhelming what happened. I don’t even have words right now. I’ll write more later.

A pretty good day

Posted on November 26, 2014 by luckyotter

Alright, so my day didn’t start out very good.

Yesterday I got my settlement check from the insurance company from the car accident Molly was in last month, and this morning had to go to the bank to open a savings account and deposit the rest in checking, so I was an hour late for work because the bank didn’t open until 9 AM and I didn’t want to be toting a huge check around all day.

At 8:30 I received a call from my boss. She screamed “WHERE ARE YOU?”
Rubbing my assaulted ear, I explained I’d left a message on voicemail at 6:30.
“BUT IT WASN’T ON VOICEMAIL! DON’T YOU REALIZE THIS IS OUR BUSIEST SEASON?” The implication that I was lying about leaving a message could not have been more obvious.
“I’m sorry, I did leave a message. I’ll get there as soon as I can. I won’t be more than an hour late.”
“WELL YOU BETTER MAKE IT QUICK!”
Click.

I opened up my laptop and Tweeted: “Today is going to be the day from hell.”
I quickly scanned my blog stats, and found them disappointing.
Mentally I felt my defensive armor going up and my cortisone levels rising. I braced myself for the attack I knew I’d be facing once I got to work.

Although I have nearly perfect attendance and am never late, sure enough, when I arrived at the office, my malignant narcissist boss screamed, “IT’S THE BUSIEST WEEK OF THE YEAR! DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT? YOU ARE RUINING THIS COMPANY!”
Facepalm.

I knew she wasn’t serious, because I do a good job, my attendance is good, and she’s like that with everyone (well, except for her flying monkeys and sycophants), but it still made me feel violated and angry. Narcissists have a way of doing that.

The other bad thing that happened this morning was my daughter Molly went to court and was sentenced to 30 days in jail. She will be out Christmas day (thank goodness for that!). The good thing is that when she gets out, she will owe no more fines (which are far more than she or I can afford) and will have no more probation. She’ll do her time and just has to stay out of trouble after that.

But the day got a lot better. While it wasn’t the day from heaven, it didn’t turn out to be the day from hell either. I made friends with Molly’s older boyfriend, Paul. We were texting each other back and forth about Molly’s day in court and what happened. When I got home from my long day at work, I called him, and we spent about two hours talking. He is very easy to talk to, even for an Aspie like myself–I always feel violated and threatened by the most simple telephone conversations. I always hated the sound of a ringing phone. But talking to Paul was different, and put me at ease.

Paul is not only comfortable to talk to, he genuinely and sincerely cares about Molly. He’s the first boyfriend she’s ever had who has really cared about her wellbeing and wants her to turn her life around instead of all the losers who did nothing but drag her down and use her. We talked mostly about Molly, and what we can do together to help her. He’s older than she is and she listens to him, where she hasn’t always listened to me (I’m her mom–that’s probably why!) He put money into her jail account so she can buy concessions and make phone calls.

The other day I wrote a long depressing post saying I thought Molly was a narcissist (and she may be), but once again I have doubts. Drug addiction and bipolar disorder can also cause a person to act in a narcissistic way. She also has a diagnosis of BPD and PTSD. People with BPD can act very much like narcissists, as can bipolar people in their “manic” phase.

The reason I’m once again doubting she’s a true narcissist is because when she was handcuffed today, Paul was there with her, and she looked at him and said, crying, “I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused everyone. I really want to change. I’m a terrible person.”

I don’t think she would have been faking those tears and those words; for what reason would she do so? Paul told me they have had some deep conversations about her behavior and run-ins with the law over the past decade and how much she doesn’t want to be part of that anymore. I think she was running around with some people who were very bad for her, because she thought she didn’t deserve or couldn’t do any better.

Molly is intellectually brilliant and could do anything she wants in life. Once upon a time she was a straight-A student. But her self esteem is so low that she’s mostly associated with people far beneath her, people who do stupid things because they just aren’t very bright. Paul wants her to spend more time with her psychologically healthier friends who aren’t doing drugs, and meet some of his friends who are succeeding too.

Molly has never liked to read much (although she reads and writes very well), but in jail she will have a lot of time for reading (it beats playing cards and watching endless reruns of “Cops”). He told me about a book she had been talking about by the actress Kristen Johnson, called “Guts,” in which she describes her struggles with alcohol and drugs before she turned her life around. This book could be inspirational for her. Molly has always liked biographies and stories about people with substance abuse issues. I remember her favorite book in high school was one that had also been a favorite of mine when I was her age: “Go Ask Alice.”

I don’t have any family to speak of (or rather, none that I speak to), and certainly none in my area, but Paul invited me to his home for Thanksgiving. I invited my roommate to come along, but she declined, so it will just be the two of us. He’s new in this area and has no family here either. He’s cooking dinner and I’m bringing dessert and a bottle of red Merlot wine (my favorite).

Having been burned so many times by narcissists and psychopaths, I don’t trust people easily, so of course there’s a small nagging voice in my head warning me Paul may be a narcissist in the love-bombing phase, but I really, truly don’t think so.

Just the other day, Molly was talking about having kids someday. She’s never shown the slightest bit of interest in having children (she is a bit young still and certainly not emotionally ready), but she told me she would be interested if she was married, and she thinks Paul may be The One. I told her not to rush things and I would like her to attend school first. Paul and I think she just may do this once she is released. He wants to take her to the community college just to have a look around and maybe sign up for one class just to get her feet wet.

After putting most of the settlement in savings, I still have a little over $1,000 left, a nice sum of cash for someone as poor as I am. Some will be used for Christmas, but I decided to order a few books tonight. One was Kristen Johnson’s book “Guts” which I’ll bring to Molly; I also ordered a Wild Republic stuffed raccoon (a Christmas gift for my son (who already has “Alfonso” the river otter, who I wrote about)), and two more books about narcissism: Martha Stout’s “The Sociopath Next Door,” which I have heard great things about; and Sam Vaknin’s gigantic tome, “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited.”
I love to get things in the mail, especially books.

Any day, no matter how shitty it starts, where I can make a new friend, feel hopeful about my kid, have a little money to spend, realize I won’t be alone on a big holiday after all, and get some new books to read, is a good day. And if I can end that day with a new blog post telling you what a good day it was, then it’s officially a great day.

Three people who deserve my thanks

Posted on November 23, 2014 by luckyotter

Three vastly different people have turned out to be the best things to happen to this blog, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, they deserve credit and thanks for their positive influence, so here goes.

1. Opinionated Man.

OM’s blog (Harsh Reality), as most of us know, is a godsend to new bloggers hoping to get more visibility and learn the ropes of blogging. He follows new blogs and offers encouragement, advice (that actually works!), and support to newbies and veteran bloggers alike. He also answers all questions posed to him on his blog, no small feat for someone who is so prolific and has so many followers. He also answers them quickly.

In my case (as I’m sure in many others), OM reblogged an early post of mine, which gave my blog a huge boost in visibility and gained me a smallish but loyal following. That in itself was encouraging and made me feel welcome. I also love the fact he regularly offers bloggers the opportunity to link to his blog and showcase their stuff. He has used his huge popularity to help others get more popular. I don’t know too many bloggers who do that, or would have the confidence to do that.

Personally I find it hard to believe he has a lot of haters (he insists he does), because of all the good stuff he does. I also like reading his non-blogging posts and his poetry is good too (even though I’m not much of a poetry fan). I have a feeling OM’s haters are just jealous because he is so popular and has tens of thousands of followers and a level of Internet fame that most other bloggers would give their eyeteeth for.

2. 500 Pound Peep.

500 Pound Peep has an incredible blog over at Blogger (Aspie in a Narcissist Jungle). Like me, she is a survivor of narcissistic abuse and an ACON (adult child of narcissists). Her story is eerily reminiscent of mine. And also like me, she suffers from Aspergers syndrome. Her blog is honest, heartfelt, funny, sometimes irreverent, and always fascinating to read. There are many wonderful blogs written by survivors of narcissists, but hers is one of my favorites and one of the first ones I ever started to read. 500 Pound Peep deserves special thanks because it was she and her blog that inspired me to start my own back in September. For several months prior to starting this blog, I had been reading blogs by others, but hers was the one that made me say to myself, “That’s it. I am doing this.” And that decision is changing my life.

I have trouble posting on her site because since Blogger is connected to Google, it keeps wanting to put my real name under any comments, so I have to choose the “Anonymous” option if I comment. No matter. About a month ago, she found my own blog, and added mine to her blogroll. Since hers is a popular blog, every day my stats show more viewers have been referred to my blog from hers. She has also been supportive and made comments on many of my posts here. I’m very grateful to 500PoundPeep for her support and encouragement, and for her blog which I always find inspirational and eye-opening, even when I don’t comment.

3. Sam Vaknin.

This is a weird one. In what upside down world would I, a victim of narcissists, ever be in a position to thank a malignant narcissist and one who may even be psychopathic? And yet, Sam Vaknin has probably helped the visibility and popularity of this blog more than anyone else. Of course, I undoubtedly helped him too, by writing two articles about him that increased hits to his own site, and most likely got more people to order his books. Of course there’s something in it for him, but that’s alright. It’s even understandable. All bloggers want more hits and visibility and just because he’s a narcissist, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t want more validation too.

I’m utterly gobsmacked by the number of views and hits I got yesterday due to these two articles (541 hits on November 21, becoming my Best Day Ever). Both articles have been shared multiple times on social media, especially Twitter and Facebook, as well as on other sites that saw my article and reposted or linked to it. My stats show 63 Twitter shares (and still rising), and even more Facebook shares over the past three days between both articles. Reddit has recommended my article, it’s appeared on Tumblr, Pinterest,and LinkedIn, it’s now on a few ACON blogrolls. Mr. Vaknin himself commented a couple of times on my posts and even approved of them (for the most part). His presence undoubtedly increased views to my blog because people were curious to see what he had to say. Vaknin has many fans in the narcissistic abuse community, a topic which is pretty huge these days, and evidently a lot of his fans and followers have come to my blog or linked to it. Here is his website.

So, Sam, I do appreciate your input here and attracting your followers along with you to this blog. Sure, maybe I’m just narcissistic supply to you, but you have inadvertently also done me a huge favor, probably a bigger favor than I have done for you. I offer you my sincere thanks for that.

And to the rest of you.

Just because I’ve called out three individuals for special thanks, doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the support and encouragement the rest of you have offered me and my blog. I value all my followers and readers, and welcome and appreciate all your comments. I also appreciate all the reblogs by several of you.

All these things help this blog get more visibility and will help it make its mark in the blogging world and the community of survivors of narcissistic abuse. And to all my fellow ACONs and survivors, I am as helped by your comments and your blogs as you may be by mine. We are all a community and are here to support and help one another in any way we can.

Namaste!

The Tree

Posted on November 1, 2014 by luckyotter

Until August 1999, I had a vague concept of God and if anyone had asked, would have told them I was agnostic, leaning toward atheist. I was very far away from God in those days–embroiled in a deteriorating marriage to a narcissistic psychopath, drinking and smoking pot in an attempt to “put up” with him, all while I was raising two young children. I also was an unfaithful wife (as was my husband) and handily made excuses about my infidelity based on his abusive treatment of me and the fact he was unfaithful too. I never darkened any church’s doorway, and thought prayer was useless and silly. God was an abstract and mostly irrelevant concept to me–of no further consequence to my personal life than an Ebola case in Africa. My theory back then was that if there was a God, then maybe he created the universe, but then he left it pretty much alone after that, and was probably too busy creating new universes to give a damn what happened in ours. After all, if God was so concerned about our little human corner of the universe, why did He allow so many bad things to happen?

My ex was drinking heavily back then, and frequently became violent. During one of these fights, he blackened my eye and I had other bruises too, so I called the police. Given that he had no marks on him, but I was in pretty bad shape, he was arrested and went to jail for 90 days. During the time he was in jail, we had a stick-shift pickup truck, which I had never learned to drive. Since it was our only vehicle back then, and I had a six and seven year old that I needed to transport to dental and doctor appointments, as well as getting them home from their after school program, I had no choice but to teach myself how to drive the stick.

At first it was hard knowing what gears to shift into and when. It was very difficult to get used to how totally different a feel driving a stick-shift was over the ease of an automatic, which you didn’t have to “think” about so much. Some people told me they liked stick-shifts better because they felt they had more control over the vehicle, but it never felt that way to me. Still, over time, I got better, and soon was able to drive the thing adequately. Or so I thought. Obviously I still had a lot to learn about what gear to use when.

At the time, we lived in a house that sat at the top of a steep hill, and I’d usually take the long way around, following a gravel easement that looped around the back of the house, and continued down into our driveway, where I’d park so the truck was facing toward the road, so the gas could run into the tank.

On this muggy August day in 1999, after I picked the kids up after their after-school program, we stopped at McDonalds, and the kids were excited about their new Happy Meal toys and were contentedly playing with them in the back seat. Molly, just six and small for her age, still used a booster seat. Ethan, seven going on eight, no longer used a booster or car seat, and wore the seatbelt, which was still pretty loose on him.

When I stopped at the bottom of the part of the hill that merged into the driveway, I put the gear in what I thought was the correct setting for a parked car (neutral). Nothing had ever happened before, and no one had told me this was wrong, so I thought nothing of it this time. I got out of the truck and went around to the back to let the kids out.

Suddenly the truck began to roll. Downhill. The hill was steep and bumpy since it was unpaved. I watched helplessly, as if in a dream, as the truck bumped and rolled its way downhill, picking up speed as it went. I saw my son’s little face in the window of the backseat, frozen in a scream of terror. I heard my daughter cry, “Mama!” Suddenly I was moving, and racing after the truck which had picked up speed as it headed for the road. I threw myself on the ground and tried to grab onto one of the tires, as if that would make it stop. The truck continued to roll, and I was dragged along with it, bloodying my knees and ripping my clothes in the process, but I didn’t even know I was bleeding until later. All I could see was my kids and I had to save them.

The truck barreled into the road, and straight across it was a tree. A very large oak tree with a thick trunk. The truck was headed directly for that tree. At this point I had lost my grip and was screaming and crying, blood from my knees soaking what was left of my jeans. My hands were bleeding too. I watched in horror as the truck got closer to the tree. A few neighbors had come out and were watching the drama unfold, but I was hardly aware of them. Everything was moving in slow motion; I felt like I was trapped in some kind of nightmare. Desperately, I prayed: “God, if you exist, please do something!” I didn’t believe anyone heard my prayer.

The road and the tree were on flat ground, and the truck seemed to slow a little, and then the most incredible thing happened. The truck swerved to the right, and went around the tree, before continuing its journey across the neighbor’s property, which ended in a fairly deep ditch.

The ditch wasn’t visible from where I stood, and neither was the truck when it dove into it. My neighbors from the house across the street ran down into the ditch to see if the kids were alright. My heart was slamming inside my chest like a hammer. I still feared the worst.

A few minutes later, my neighbor appeared–Molly and Ethan each holding one of his hands. Molly was crying; Ethan looked solemn and pale as a ghost. Both children were fine, save a scratch on Ethan’s head (it turned out he had already taken off his seatbelt before all this happened!) They were scared, but fine. Mama, not so much! EMS workers had come and taken us all to the hospital by ambulance. It was me who suffered the worst injuries–deep cuts on both knees and severely chafed hands.

The emotional injuries were much worse, and would last for years. For months, I had flashbacks to that moment of sheer terror, when the truck started to roll and I could hear my kids screaming. Over time, the flashbacks stopped, but I’ve had a phobia ever since about ever parking on a hill–or even having to drive up one.

But overriding the negative aftereffects, is a conviction that at that moment when the truck had veered to the right and safely went around the tree instead of crashing into it, I had seen the hand of God at work, through one or more of his angels. Whoever or whatever it was made sure my kids stayed safe. No longer could I believe God just doesn’t care. I realized that it was the very moment when I called out to him through my skepticism, that he stepped in.

Sometimes we just have to ask and God will show himself, even if we don’t believe.

Gratitude

Posted on September 19, 2014 by luckyotter

I wasn’t going to write another post today, but I can’t let this opportunity pass. I need to get it out there while I still have this heady feeling.

I spent many hours yesterday writing my post about my abusive ex-husband. As a new blogger this was a scary thing to do, realizing complete strangers would be reading my innermost thoughts and feelings, but the prospect of that was very exciting too. After exhausting myself mentally and emotionally (as well as blurry vision from staring at the screen for so long and a MASSIVE ache in my neck) I spent another hour cleaning up–editing and making my post look great. I fell into a sleep like I haven’t had in a very long time.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did, even before having my morning coffee, was open my laptop, anticipating at least a few new follows and comments (I know there’s a lot other survivors out there–I have seen their blogs). But….nothing.

What went wrong? I didn’t know. As silly as it sounds I felt…rejected. I was ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because logically I knew it wasn’t anything personal. I’m a new blogger, and probably just not that many people saw my post. I tried giving myself a pep talk to be patient, but I’m not a patient person and it still bothered me.

So I wrote my rant, called “I’m frustrated.” I always aim to be completely honest on my blog, because out there in the real world, there aren’t many places and situations where we can totally be ourselves and talk about the way we feel without the fear of judgment and disapproval. I noticed the level of honesty by other bloggers, and felt I’d found a place where my true thoughts and feelings would be understood. So after writing my rant, I took a deep breath, then pressed “Publish.” And then I waited.

I did NOT expect what happened next. Opinionated Man, who’s been following me since I first started this blog last week, has a very popular website and cares about newcomers like me. He REBLOGGED MY POST on his site, and suddenly I was inundated with new followers, likes and more comments than I can even keep up with. It’s kept me busy all day.

I can’t believe the level of support here at WordPress. Some WordPress detractors have said people who blog on WP are snobs. NOT TRUE!

This morning I had a pitiful 19 followers. I now have 64 and may have more now even as I write this post. That’s how fast my blog is being noticed. It’s very surreal, but wonderful too and I’ve been smiling so much today my face hurts!

I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment by expecting my blog to suddenly go viral or something and get thousands of followers, like OM’s has. That sort of thing takes time. But his (and another blogger’s) generosity in reblogging my post has been an enormous boost, and I no longer feel dejected and depressed like I did when I logged in this morning.

I’m also discovering so many other people’s blogs in my Reader and from my new followers, people I feel I can relate to and who can relate to me.

So for all you bloggers who have reblogged, shared, followed, liked, or commented here today, I want to say THANK YOU! It’s very much appreciated. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to pay it forward and make some newbie feel welcome, just like you all have done for me.