My Christmas present to myself

Posted on December 20, 2014 by luckyotter

As ACONS or victims of narcissistic abuse at the hands of others, we can be nervous, hypervigilant, and constantly feel stressed out and overwhelmed. It’s so hard for us to relax and just feel happy and in the moment.

Sometimes it’s the simple things that work best and take us to a place where we feel more at peace and more sane. We need to seek out and savor these small things.

The other day I received a gift card for Cracker Barrel. I have to admit, I love their country stores that are always a treat after pigging out on their heavy country cooking.

This morning I had to go have two of my tires changed and get an oil change. I hate dealing with servicing my car, but it had to be done. I already felt better knowing at least my tires won’t skid off the road, even though my car is 13 years old and the transmission is starting to slip.

Blasting rock music and singing along to it on the way home, I remembered my Cracker Barrel gift card and decided to stop by and buy a few things with it.

I adore candles and always buy those big scented jar candles at the dollar store, K-Mart or Walmart because usually those are all I can afford. Those are fine, but today I decided I could afford to splurge and buy a $20 Yankee Candle. I had a tough time choosing an aroma, because they all smell so great, but I finally settled on a new scent called “Silver Birch,” which smells just like woodsmoke and reminded me of a crackling fire.

I also love bath products, so I bought myself a bottle of JR. Watkins apothecary bath salts in Menthol/Camphor with Eucalyptus oil. The bottle, charmingly printed in a late 19th/early 20th century style, says it’s great for soothing colds and flu, but I’ve tried it before and it’s great for everything. It makes your body feel energized but relaxes your mind at the same time.

So when I got home, I decided to take a long hot bath, and just let the scents and warmth of the water swirl around me and bring me into the moment, only the moment. I lit the candle and placed it on the sink, poured a handful of the scented bath salts into the water and mixed in a little vanilla/lavender scented bath gel (cheap from Dollar General) in there too to make the water softer for a little moisture. Then I slid into the tub and literally sighed as I settled in. I lay there with my eyes closed for about an hour, just letting my mind wander and focus on the moment. I also said a little prayer of thanks for small blessings like this.

I nearly drifted off to sleep, but finally, when the water began to get too cool, I dried myself off, put on some comfortable clothes and decided to write a blog post about the bath from heaven.

We need moments like this to validate ourselves. We need to give ourselves little gifts every day if we can. If we didn’t get the mothering and nurture we needed, or we’re still surrounded by narcissists who don’t give a shit about how we feel, we can still give ourselves comfort and nurture every day in small ways like this

It’s not even necessary to spend the kind of money I did today (and the only reason I had it was because of the gift card I received). You can get the same effect with cheaper products from lower end stores. I always find great stuff at the Dollar General a few blocks away Their candles are limited in variety but smell really good. You can also mix a little baby oil with a cheap scented bath gel. At some smoke shops and other stores, you can buy little bottles of scented oil, or even learn to make your own (I’m sure there’s plenty of how-to instructions online).

There’s nothing like a long, hot, leisurely, great smelling bath to soothe your nerves and make you feel normal again, at least for a little while. And make sure you light a candle while you soak.

I’m still feeling so relaxed I think I’m going to nap for about an hour.

Writing is cheaper than therapy or drugs.

Posted on December 20, 2014 by luckyotter

So much truth in this article. I started my blog as self therapy because I could not afford a therapist and by treating it as a sort of online journal, I think I’ve learned more about myself and my abusers in the past 3 months than I did in any time I ever spent in therapy. I’ve also rediscovered my love of writing and realized I haven’t lost my ability or ambition to turn this into something more. Finally I feel like I have goals in life again, I’m no longer one of the walking dead, and this article nails that feeling, so I’m reblogging it.

Sloppy Etymology

Sometimes you wish for something so hard and then it actually comes true. Has that happened to you? Against countless odds and still, your wish actually came true. Does it count as being lucky or should you be careful about hitching your hopes up too high? I’ve been thinking these thoughts for a while now. I’ve been thinking so much about it and I’ve also been trying not to think at all.

So much has happened since the last time I was here, blogger friends. So. Much. Where do I start from and how do I explain any of this? I am not sure. But I want to take it one step at a time. Keep my emotions in check. Make sure I’m not borrowing more happiness than I deserve to have in my share.

I can’t write like I used to. I’m putting that out there so you can…

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The drudgery of blogging

Posted on December 17, 2014 by luckyotter

As writers, we get excited about getting a new idea out there on our blogs. I know I do!

After I’ve spent an hour or two laboring lovingly over a new article, then editing it about 30 times to make it as readable as possible, then finding and adding the perfect photos and illustrations, and finally adding tags and categories (which, to me, is the most boring part of writing a blog post), I get a huge rush when I finally get to hit “Publish” and see my hard work in its final form, the way the world will see it.

I take pride in my posts (well, most of them), especially when they seem to get popular. A few have. It’s fun getting comments, lots of likes, and watching your stats go up. It’s cool as hell to see how many countries my lowly little blog post has touched.

But blogging has its dull side too, the side that seems more like work than play. If, like me, you have decided you want your blog to grow and get lots more views, and be replicated and reposted many times on other social media for maximum exposure, then that requires linking every post you want to be seen to various social media.

I don’t really like social media, even though I have accounts on Twitter, StumbleUpon, Facebook, and now LinkedIn. But like it or not, it’s necessary to use it if you want your blog to be seen.

I refuse to post anything to Facebook (except for my silliest fluff posts) because my FOO and other people from my past I prefer to avoid have all found me there–and I do NOT want them to read my blog. I should probably just delete that account and start another one under a fake name, but I don’t like Facebook anyway because it’s become like fucking Big Brother so I probably won’t bother doing that.

Instead, I rely on you guys to share my posts (if you want to) using the Facebook button that’s under each post. That makes things easy for me! The buttons are there for you to use!

All my blog posts are automatically linked on Twitter, which doesn’t scare me like Facebook does because the only relative I know of who posts there is my son and I can trust him with my life. He never reads my blog anyway, but a friend of his does.

StumbleUpon is something I stumbled upon while here at WordPress, and it’s a cool way to share posts and it does seem to bring me more viewers. I don’t use that service for anything but sharing my posts. When I look at my stats, SU has brought me more viewers so I have no complaints.

I just joined LinkedIn today and spent the last two hours sharing every blog post I’ve written (with the exception of a few that I don’t think were that good or were just announcements or something) on that site. That’s the part of blogging that’s drudgery. I would much rather be writing a new post than sitting here pressing buttons for two hours, but that’s part of what it takes to get visibility.

I hate it when I see my stats going down. Today they weren’t very good at all, and I thought to myself I should be doing this when my stats are up and write a new post right now with a super-grabby title to get everyone’s attention.

There was one advantage to this boring task: I got to see old articles that I’d forgotten I’d written. I’m up to well over 200 blog posts now so it’s impossible to remember all of them. I think my writing has improved since the beginning.

It’s not like I had any great blog ideas tonight anyway.

Abnormal is Normal

Posted on December 15, 2014 by luckyotter

This is an incredibly well written article about the escalation of abuse and how insidious the process of that is, and what people in abusive relationships need to look out for. This actually had me on the edge of my seat.

Picking Up the Pieces

At least for me the above statement holds true. It’s hard for me to explain in terms that someone who has not been shaken by violence at the hands of an intimate partner can understand. We all know logically what acts and words are demonstrative of love and those that are not. Further, we all know what constitutes abuse. However, your view of normal shifts drastically from pre-abuse to post-abuse.

I am addressing this, because it seems to be one of the things people ask me most to clarify. They usually misunderstand me when I say this as meaning that the act of being abused itself is normal, but that really is not the case. I can explain this a million times, but if those listening fail to look at it from my perspective, it will be futile.

When the abuse first begins, it appears to be something harmless and…

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Did you ever almost not post something…

Posted on December 14, 2014 by luckyotter

…but went ahead and did it anyway?

I just did earlier today, with my poetry. I haven’t written poetry in years and I feel like it really isn’t good–too melodramatic and full of purple prose. Like a tacky velvet painting, done up with garish colors and second-rate drawing. Something you wouldn’t even bother selling because you know no one would buy it; so to get rid of it, you just wind up giving it to Goodwill or something.

I think my prose is much stronger. But people seemed to like the poem I wrote. It was also very cathartic for me to write that, and deeply personal. It’s easy to have second thoughts about making something that personal public. Especially for those of us who have lived with and been raised by narcs, everything is so damned dangerous.

To think that the world is full of malignant narcissists and psychopaths who could be stomping all over my fragile and bleeding heart which I just lay out there in the big wide open world of the Internet is a scary, scary thing, but as bloggers about narcissism, we can’t let that stop us. We must be brave.

Yeah, those narcs could be sitting there right now laughing at everything we write, even quoting us elsewhere and making fun of us among their sycophants. If we write about being victimized (which most of us do because that’s how we learned what we know), narcs are at least going to be reading our stuff. They will not be empathetic. If you think about that too much, you’ll lose your courage and won’t write anything.

So to hell with those narcs. They are going to read what we write. They love to read about themselves, even if it’s negative. To a narc, negative attention is better than no attention. It’s still narcissistic supply.

So what are they gonna do? Troll our sites? We can always not approve comments. So far I have only received one abusive comment and into “Trash” it went. Some narcissism writers have made their blogs private or required people to sign in before they can see any posts. I won’t do that with my blog. It’s an open book, available to everyone and anyone, even narcs.

This is a blog primarily meant to be a form of self-therapy (though it’s become a lot more) so why should I edit my thoughts and feelings? Why should I make my blog a “private club”? No, I won’t ever do that. I hate exclusivity and having to sign into a website. If I have to sign in, I probably won’t bother joining. So I’m not going to do that to you, either.

So anyway, after I posted my poetry I waited for the vomit sounds and crickets. I’m glad that hasn’t happened. My stupid hypervigilance again. I always short sell myself.

I kind of felt the same way posting “My Mother, the Exhibitionist” because the behavior I described in that post is deeply embarrassing to me (and almost borders on pornography). But it is a perfect example of the way some narcissists behave in front of their kids and others, and it affected me, so why would I NOT write about it?

The minute I start editing my thoughts on this blog is the minute I’ve sold out and the blog becomes something other than what it was meant to be–a public online diary. I will never sell out.

But I won’t ever talk about my crush on this blog. Ever. I know that’s probably got some wheels turning. Nyah nyah, too bad. Deal with it. 😉

My son’s dance competition performance updated

Posted on December 11, 2014 by luckyotter

I have updated my post from the other day with a different video (from another angle) that includes the judges’ comments at the end (although they are hard to hear), and the video where the winners are announces (1st – 3rd place in 2 categories).

If anyone’s interested, here’s the link to that post.
https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/my-sons-dance-competition-performance/

I thought yesterday was Friday

Posted on December 6, 2014 by luckyotter

W-T-F: They’re really all the same anyway.

The blogger Idiot Writing (whose idiotic, WTF posts I’m in love with) just wrote a post informing everyone that today was Friday just in case anyone thought it was Thursday.

Well, how ironic is that, because yesterday (Thursday) I thought it was Friday. I actually asked my boss why my direct deposit didn’t go in, and she looked at me like I had 3 heads and a pine tree growing out of my forehead.

I skulked out of her office liked a whipped rabbit and just wanted to somehow weave myself into the beige carpet.

I lost my phone today

Posted on December 5, 2014 by luckyotter

I feel so lost without it. 😦

A narcissist’s entitlement.

Posted on December 4, 2014 by luckyotter

It’s already happening.

I talked to my daughter’s friend Paul last night, and he sounded a little grumpy. Hypervigilant as always, in my black, paranoid mind I imagined my MN ex Michael, who just moved in Paul’s house a few days ago, had already convinced Paul I was an evil, treacherous, narcissistic, selfish female troglodyte not worth the time of day (because he projects all his character defects onto me), and that was the reason for the grumpiness. Of course! What else could it be!? Of course it was narcissistic of me to assume Paul’s grumpiness had anything to do with me anyway, but that’s how hypervigilant and paranoid an Aspie victim of narcissistic abuse can get.

Moving on, it wasn’t that at all. Of course it wasn’t. How silly of me to think it was. If I had a quarter for every time my stupid hypervigilance makes an idiot of me, I would be a wealthy woman instead of a poor one.

No, Paul was grumpy because of Michael. He asked me if Michael always acted so entitled, which caused me to burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter. I had already warned Paul the way Michael wanted what he wanted when he wanted it, and that he never lifted a finger around the house, expecting to be waited on like some sort of golden God. After the peals of laughter subsided, I asked him what happened.

Paul said Michael had offered to order Chinese food for dinner (with Paul paying, of course, because Michael was broke as always), so Paul gave him the money to give to the driver and didn’t cook anything. Then Paul went out for awhile, expecting Chinese food when he returned.

Instead, when Paul returned at 9:30, he found Michael fast asleep on the couch. There was no Chinese food anywhere in sight. Paul woke Michael up and asked where the food was. Instead of apologizing and acting embarrassed, Michael said, “I thought you were picking up the food.”
“I gave you the money. Why would I pick up the food if I gave you the money?” was Paul’s reply.
The money was balled up in a wad on the table, next to a ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts, debris from Michael’s jeans pocket, and a pot pipe. Besides being lazy and entitled, Michael is also a slob.
Paul was angry.
“I thought you said you had to eat right away because of your diabetes. But here you are sleeping instead.”
“It’s not my fault. I should have eaten hours ago. When I don’t eat, I can’t stay awake.”
“But I gave you the money to order Chinese food.” He pointed to the money on the table.
“Well, SORREE, you don’t have to give me attitude about it. Go ahead and order it then.”
“That’s not the point. You said YOU were going to order it. I would have picked it up myself if I knew this would happen. Now they’re closed and it’s too late to go back out.”
Michael sat up and lit the pot pipe. “Here, have some pot. You need to chillax.”
“I DON’T WANT ANY DAMN POT. I’m hungry. I want something to eat.”
“Well, then why don’t you cook something?”
Paul looked at Michael like he had three heads. “No. I’m tired. You promised to order in but you didn’t. Why don’t YOU cook something?”
“I can’t,” whined Michael. “I have a headache because I haven’t had anything to eat.”
Paul stormed out of the room and went into the kitchen to start dinner, while Michael settled back down on the couch and switched on the TV.

The first thing Paul saw was a sinkful of dirty dishes, soaking in soapy water. When Michael ~~leeched off~~ lived with me for 7 years after our divorce, he probably actually washed the dishes three times in that amount of time. His idea of “washing dishes” meant piling them in the sink with water and Dawn, leaving me with the fun job of actually washing them. If I refused to wash them, they would sit there for up to three days, until the funky smell of the cold, dirty dishwasher forced me to start from scratch, emptying the sink and starting over.

Paul stormed back into the living room. “You said you would wash the dishes, but they’re still sitting in the sink.”
“But I have to soak them first. I filled the sink with soap to loosen the dirt.”
“But that’s not WASHING them.”
“Whatever.”
Paul wound up washing the dishes and cooking dinner. And that’s why he was grumpy.
I don’t expect Michael to last long there. He will probably be living at the Salvation Army again even before Molly returns home. I can tell Paul won’t put up with his shit for long.

The story is funny, but it’s also illustrative of the mindfuckery a narcissist uses to get their own way. As always, Michael refused to take responsibility or do anything he didn’t want to do. When questioned or called out on his refusal to pull his weight, he either shrugs it off as if others are making a big deal over nothing, or shifts the blame to the other person. Because that’s what narcs do best, even though in their deluded minds they think they are demigods entitled to have their servants wipe their butts every time they take a dump.

The Inevitable Happened

Posted on December 2, 2014 by luckyotter

I just discovered this wonderful blog, and like it so much I’m adding it to my blogroll (I list mine in the “Info and Support” tab in the green header). Like many survivors of narcissistic abuse, Lady with a Truck struggles with poverty and the judgment of others. It’s mindblowing how deeply our narcs destroy us–even our ability to earn a decent income. I love the way LWAT writes; her posts draw you in like a novel. She’s also funny. I had to laugh when I read about her trying to “unspam” a troll post she had just put in her spam folder–in order to show the world what a post by a narcissistic horse’s ass looks like. But accidently she deleted it.

This post isn’t recent, but I loved it, so I’m reblogging it. Our stories have no expiration date because they can still help, inspire, and even entertain ~~the minions~~ other victims of malignant narcissism. Just read it.

Lady witha truck

I don’t know how many of my followers noticed that I have received a couple of nasty comments recently; one from JC and then this morning one from a “Chuck”. I “spammed” JC’s right away and then regretted it because I thought his response was so typical of a narcissist I should have left it. I went into my spam to “unspam” it but using the small screen of my phone I accidentally permanently deleted it. Oops

Basically what it said was that I am a lying bitch, he called you all my “minions”; which I had to laugh about because he was always saying he needed minions.
He said that reading my blog made him * feel ……….. well ….everything but mostly sad. *his words.

He also said this (my blog) was unproductive. I beg to differ; anytime a blog receives daily comments such as:
Thank God I found…

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