Did you ever almost not post something…

delete

…but went ahead and did it anyway?

I just did earlier today, with my poetry. I haven’t written poetry in years and I feel like it really isn’t good–too melodramatic and full of purple prose. Like a tacky velvet painting, done up with garish colors and second-rate drawing. Something you wouldn’t even bother selling because you know no one would buy it; so to get rid of it, you just wind up giving it to Goodwill or something.

I think my prose is much stronger. But people seemed to like the poem I wrote. It was also very cathartic for me to write that, and deeply personal. It’s easy to have second thoughts about making something that personal public. Especially for those of us who have lived with and been raised by narcs, everything is so damned dangerous.

To think that the world is full of malignant narcissists and psychopaths who could be stomping all over my fragile and bleeding heart which I just lay out there in the big wide open world of the Internet is a scary, scary thing, but as bloggers about narcissism, we can’t let that stop us. We must be brave.

Yeah, those narcs could be sitting there right now laughing at everything we write, even quoting us elsewhere and making fun of us among their sycophants. If we write about being victimized (which most of us do because that’s how we learned what we know), narcs are at least going to be reading our stuff. They will not be empathetic. If you think about that too much, you’ll lose your courage and won’t write anything.

So to hell with those narcs. They are going to read what we write. They love to read about themselves, even if it’s negative. To a narc, negative attention is better than no attention. It’s still narcissistic supply.

So what are they gonna do? Troll our sites? We can always not approve comments. So far I have only received one abusive comment and into “Trash” it went. Some narcissism writers have made their blogs private or required people to sign in before they can see any posts. I won’t do that with my blog. It’s an open book, available to everyone and anyone, even narcs.

This is a blog primarily meant to be a form of self-therapy (though it’s become a lot more) so why should I edit my thoughts and feelings? Why should I make my blog a “private club”? No, I won’t ever do that. I hate exclusivity and having to sign into a website. If I have to sign in, I probably won’t bother joining. So I’m not going to do that to you, either.

So anyway, after I posted my poetry I waited for the vomit sounds and crickets. I’m glad that hasn’t happened. My stupid hypervigilance again. I always short sell myself.

I kind of felt the same way posting “My Mother, the Exhibitionist” because the behavior I described in that post is deeply embarrassing to me (and almost borders on pornography). But it is a perfect example of the way some narcissists behave in front of their kids and others, and it affected me, so why would I NOT write about it?

The minute I start editing my thoughts on this blog is the minute I’ve sold out and the blog becomes something other than what it was meant to be–a public online diary. I will never sell out.

But I won’t ever talk about my crush on this blog. Ever. I know that’s probably got some wheels turning. Nyah nyah, too bad. Deal with it. 😉

9 thoughts on “Did you ever almost not post something…

  1. yes I have actually deleted some posts of mine that were about a touchy subject, so this will sound hypocritical of me but…. Don’t ever edit yourself , if I had half the balls that you and others have, I too would just lay it on the line. it’s something I am working on.

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    • We are all at different stages. I think your posts are very honest and heartfelt and I don’t sense that you are holding back. As long as you’re honest about what you do write about it’s okay to not write about certain other things if they make you uncomfortable or are too private. I don’t think you’re a hypocrite at all.

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  2. LOL, it’s scary sometimes, isn’t it? It’s hard to push through that fear!

    I read a list today of what people are afraid of, spiders of course and dying and the dark, but also public ridicule. It turns out that being mocked, ridiculed, and humiliated, is actually one of our most common fears. I have to laugh here, because I just thought those things were a way of life! If somebody hasn’t tried to tell me I’m doing it wrong, I probably just haven’t got out of bed in the morning 😉

    There is a benefit however to having grown up in the midst of strife, a lot of us have already experienced the worst that people can dish out. So we’ve already faced our fears, lived them even. Once you realize things can never get that bad again, you can become rather fearless.

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    • Most people are afraid of public ridicule. The advantage of being the admin of a blog is you can choose not to approve comments. There really isn’t any other way the bullies and trolls can get at you, unless they figure out a way to hack into your site or something.
      Forums are the worst. I used to love forums the best, because I loved the idea of different threads with different topics, and forums are mainly where my Internet activity was until I started this blog. But every forum I was ever active on was teeming wth trolls and bullies, and one forum that was wonderful for years went downhill fast after the only moderator left and there was no one to moderate the trolls who overran the site. It still exists but it’s a shadow of what it was and most of the intelligent people and regular posters have left. Now it’s just a bunch of narcs and psychopaths vying for attention and fighting amonst themselves. The owner should just take it down.

      Another forum was moderated but some of the moderators sided with bullies. It was one of those sites where if you had an “unpopular opinion” and went against what was acceptable on that site, you were targeted. My opinions were often at odds with the status quo, so I got attacked a lot and really don’t post there anymore.

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      • Oh, and you’re right about the fearless bit. When you’ve already been through hell, you kind lose your fear because you’ve already seen the worst that can happen. I feel like I have a mission here–complete honesty, something the narcs hate and fear. It’s our job to call them and their flying monkeys out for what they are and what they do, not to shame them (because they can’t be shamed) but as a warning to other potential victims and people currently in an abusive relationship with one.

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  3. My blog is open too anyone can read it. I do think it’s up to every individual what to share too, but I know it took me time and NC to even dare write about narcissism on my blog. So everyone can be in a different part of the process. I don’t know if my narc family has found my blog yet. I already know what will be said, my mother will tell them “She’s crazy” and all the spineless monkeys will believe it and probably not even take the time to read anything. I do think part of the healing for an ACON is opening up and not keeping secrets for the narcs. Good post.

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    • Since yours was one of the first blogs I started to read and that was just prior to me starting this one, I have read all your posts (or most of them anyway) from the beginning and I think it’s fascinating the way you started off your blog about a completely different topic (obesity and related health problems) and gradually it started to dawn on you about your FOO. At first you weren’t that critical of them and really didn’t talk about them much but then I started seeing the ACON vocabulary start creeping in (Sam V. even put together an ecyclopdia of all the termswe ACONS use all the time because we have our own language, lol) and pretty soon narcissism was your main topic of focus. I saw you go through the dawning realization and I remember saying to my screen, “You go, girl!”

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    • Oh, and I hope and pray my FOO never finds this blog…but I don’t think it would be too hard to find if they really wanted to. My dad has my email which matches the name of this blog.. so he could put two and two together and then tell everyone. I may switch over when I have the funds to wordpress.org where I can have my own domain which won’t match my email address.

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