New post on my Facebook wall.

Posted on June 12, 2016 by luckyotter

If you are a member of my family who happens to read my blog, I am not going to apologize for anything I have said regarding certain family members (you know who you are). I feel perfectly justified in saying what I do, because it’s the truth. I am sorry if anything I have said hurts anyone’s feelings, but there have been grave injustices done to me by certain family members that deserve to be called out. Yes, I know…the truth hurts. I do not use anyone’s real names, so if it bothers you it’s your own guilty conscience. If you don’t like what I have to say then don’t read my blog. No one held a gun to your head telling you to. So if you don’t want to get burned, keep your hands off the stove. It’s my blog and I say whatever I please because doing so helps ME. I need to take care of ME now and stop worrying about what certain members of the family think of me. My blog is a wonderful adjunct to therapy, which I have been in for a year now. I will carry these wounds for the rest of my life but I am getting better. I’m finally realizing I’m a valuable, worthwhile person with a LOT to offer the world and to others. A lot of wonderful people do value me and like what I have to say, even if they’re not the people who should have loved me unconditionally without judgment and derision. I write my blog because it helps ME. So it you don’t like it, I suggest you don’t read it.

Oh, one more thing. If I am disinherited (as I suspect I am), I have plans to write a book a la Christina Crawford. That’s not a threat, it’s a promise. The chickens WILL come home to roost. Justice WILL be done. There will be no more forgiveness. If I write that book, it’s going to be successful and I will be successful after all (no longer the impoverished loser you all think I am), but it will be at your expense! How’s THAT for poetic justice?

One thing this whole sorry mess surrounding my dad’s death has done is give me COURAGE to stop hiding the truth about my awful family. So there is a hidden blessing.

22 things loving families don’t do.

Posted on June 12, 2016 by luckyotter

They don’t favor one child over another.
They don’t give their children “mixed” or conflicting messages.
They don’t teach their children that only material things or financial success have value and denigrate qualities like compassion, empathy, and love as “weaknesses.”
They don’t disinherit their own children. If an adult child is irresponsible with finances, they set up a trust or distribute it as income or through someone else who is trustworthy. But they don’t disown. That’s nothing but a slap in the face.
They don’t reward a child and then punish them for the same thing later.
They don’t threaten a child with “reform school,” being given up for adoption, etc.
They don’t squelch, punish or discourage the honest expression of emotion, even if it’s negative.
They don’t belittle a child’s talents or accomplishments
They don’t tell their child they are “perfect,” especially for things they didn’t have to work toward (looks, intelligence, etc.)
They never tell their child they are a “loser,” “will never accomplish anything,” are “hopeless,” “crazy,” “made bad life choices,” etc.
They don’t listen to a child or adult child’s difficulty in some life situation and then tell them or imply that it’s all their own fault they got into that situation.
They don’t tell an adult child they don’t have time to listen to their problems.
They don’t judge you and tell you you brought those problems on yourself.
They will always be there for you when you need them. Even adults sometimes need the support of their families (emotional or financial) when life goes badly. Families are forever, or they should be.
They don’t blame you for not being successful in life if they never provided the emotional and financial resources for you to ever become successful.
They forgive. They don’t hold grudges.
There are always second chances.
They don’t badmouth you to other relatives, especially where there is no chance of you being able to defend yourself.
They don’t tell you to check into a shelter or a convent when you are threatened with homelessness (that actually happened to me), ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.
They don’t demean and belittle the poor in front of you, saying things like “the poor make their own choices and they deserve their poverty” when they know YOU are poor and there is no intention to give you a hand up.
They don’t send commercialized, phony platitudes about positive thinking such as “inspirational” cards and memes (of the sort that appear in office cubicles) if there is no intention of trying to offer help to a child in any other way.
They don’t throw or give away family mementos and pictures that may mean something to a child or can make an adult child still feel a sense of rootedness. I have reason to believe my mother threw away all the old family photos of me and other things that meant something to me when I was young.

So it’s even worse than I thought.

Posted on June 12, 2016 by luckyotter

Those EVIL fuckers made me think this about myself all my life and denied me the tools to ever have a good life. They continue to twist the knife even deeper now that my father’s dead.

So. I just found out via Facebook (yep, Facebook really is the devil!) that my son is being sent plane tickets to attend my father’s memorial service. I was lied to and told by my father’s wife “they didn’t know when they are having one.” That’s right. I am not invited. I feel like…all the good changes in me are going down the toilet. Way to screw me even after death.

I also am afraid the family is attempting to drive a wedge between me and my son. Funny, about a year ago, my parents said to me, “where did HE come from”? Meaning, he is wonderful and how could two fuckups like you and your (ex) husband have a child like that? I will NOT let this turn me against my son, but I’m afraid he might be swayed to their side when all this is over.

I’m triggered to the max, so triggered ALL my BPD traits are in full bore right now, so I can’t even judge if what I do right now is the right thing or not. I’m acting on impulse, much as I used to, mindfulness is in another universe. Here is what I wrote on his Facebook wall in a fit of rage (not at him, but at my fucked up excuse for a “family”):

I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I’m praying a lot too, I hope God hears me. I was screaming and crying like a 2 year old on the phone. It enrages me that I’m not allowed to really grieve because of all this, because I’ve been fucked so royally up the ass how could I feel anything but rage and betrayal? Why have I been denied being able to feel the normal grief feelings someone should feel when their father dies? Why have I been denied a place in the family where support and unconditinal love are given in times of need and loss? Why couldn’t my parents have loved me? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MAKE THEM TREAT ME LIKE THIS??????? Is there any justice??? Lady Karma has a lot of ‘splaining to do.

I just deleted the messages, but they’re here for anyone who wants to see them. I hope that nest of vipers I call a family sees them. They need to be exposed.

I wasn’t sure about this, but…

Posted on June 11, 2016 by luckyotter

I wasn’t sure I should post this on my main blog or not, but why the hell not? I’m an emotional wreck about this, and really triggered too because if this happens, it proves what I’ve suspected all along about being a total reject in my own family. If this happens, there is no longer any doubt of what they all think of me. The anxiety is almost unbearable. It’s not about the money, it’s about being judged once and for all by my narc family as “not worthy” and “not acceptable” and “never good enough.” I have no idea how I’ll react if this happens. If this happens, there are NO good excuses for such a thing and will prove to me just what horrible people I’ve been dealing with my whole life. No normal, loving families would EVER do this to one of their own. Mine might, and I’m scared to death.

https://downtherabbitholeblog.org/2016/06/10/my-first-really-unpleasant-therapy-session/

I’m going to be talking in therapy about this for quite some time, if it happens. I’m also afraid if it happens, emotionally I’ll be back where I was two years ago and all the positive changes I’ve made will all come undone. THAT’s how devastated I will be and there will be NO forgiveness for that.

My DD calls me a narcissist, but is it her or me, of both of us?

Posted on June 11, 2016 by luckyotter

momanddaughter_argue

From a text conversation I had with DD this morning:

Me: Do you want to go to the pool today?

DD: I will lyk (let you know) in a few, I’m trying to find a way to cough up $50+ for Weston’s (best friend’s 2 year old son) birthday present ugggh

Me: Cool, but you do remember you forgot to even get me a card or anything on Mothers Day

DD: Wow, it’s always all about you isn’t it. You can be such a selfish c__t.

Me: Really? You are the one being a you know what. And you know how I feel about that word. Your father always liked to call me that. I am sorry you are depressed or whatever but I would like an apology. I am tired of you treating me like crap.

DD: WTF are you talking about? I’m trying to sleep for a few and I care about that child, hence why I am getting him something nice for his birthday but since your selfish ways won’t permit me to get him anything nice I’ll spend the rest of my money on YOU so stop worrying.

Me: Just read my last message. I hate how you talk to me.

DD: Honestly, you are too self absorbed to realize that I care about that child and want to spend money on him but since your selfish ways exactly what I just said are getting in the way of me doing that, don’t you worry I’m not going to buy him a damn thing, instead I’ll buy you everything! That was pretty much what I just said 3 minutes ago so I know how I sound, I am always nice to you and you just have to call me up telling me not to spend money on a two year old because how dare I not get something for you, God forbid. Don’t talk to me the rest of the day, I am not in the mood for you.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. You didn’t spend one penny on a gift for me but went all out for your dad on his birthday, getting him 20 things, and guess what. I have feelings and that hurts…it’s called having feelings and not being selfish. It’s like I mean nothing to you. Sorry you’re in one of your bitch-moods. I still want to go to the pool with you today.

DD: Money is a really important issue in your life, isn’t it. Actually that’s a dumb question because I know it’s pretty much your whole life. So I am so so so so so so sorry about not spending thousands of dollars on you, God forbid that you never pay me back that $5000 [for the record, she never loaned me $5,000] but I’ not going to bring that up am I?

Me: You just did, and you and I both know you never loaned me that sum of money.

DD: Whatever. I haven’t slept, I’ve been stressed, I have no money ever, I have a job I hate, I hate my life and you want to call me at 7 in the morning and say we’re going to be late to the pool and they don’t open til 10. I probably will not be joining you today we can go another day nut I do not want to see you today to be honest. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just means I don’t like you right now. I stayed up all night now I need to get some sleep

Me: (replying to an earlier message–I had not got her last text yet): Why are you being so mean? Go back to sleep.

DD: I’m going to sleep. I forgot it was Fathers Day too. Now both my self absorbed parents are mad at me now because I haven’t bought them a gift. So excuse me for not spending money on you, too bad, bye.

Me: Even if you had only made a Mothers Day card-it’s not about the money, like I keep telling you, it’s the thought. Anyway, I think when you get up later you should apologize because you were really mean to me and hurt my feelings.

DD: I think you should apologize for waking me up, keeping me on the phone to argue, and self diagnosing me when you’re not a licensed therapist [where did I diagnose her in this convo?] so please keep your opinions to yourself. You’re not getting an apology, I always apologize, this is your turn. So this is the last time I’m going to tell you. I am not going to answer any more from you so please do not text me again.

Me: I am texting again because I still want to take you to the pool. I will be there at 12:30. I also want to say this for you to think about. If I consistently always forgot your birthday but always remembered everyone else’s, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be hurt, I know you would. You need to grow some empathy. And I was not diagnosing you, where do you see a diagnosis? But I did see that you called me “self absorbed” which is kind of a diagnosis, isn’t it? I just wanted you to know that I feel like I’m unimportant to you, so it isn’t about the money at all. You know I’m not the materialistic type.

There were no more replies after this.

Reading this back over, I think both of us were acting like narcissists.

DD was using the old tactic of “all or nothing” (a form of splitting), eg, “you complain that I didn’t get you a gift–even a cheap $1 gift–so that means you’re materialistic and only care about money.” Also she was the one who started the name calling by calling me a c__t (knowing how I feel about that word). She also lied (telling me she loaned me $5000 when it was only $1000 and I paid most of that back). It’s true–she did completely forget about Mother’s Day (claiming she was broke), but still went out and spent $100 for her father on his birthday which was the same week. It’s not the money that was spent, it was that I felt like he was important to her and I was not (and maybe that’s partly true). She was also projecting her own self centeredness onto me (although I think we were both being pretty self centered). Of course, she has heard a lot from her father (my MN ex) too, about my alleged narcissism. Then she lied a second time, accusing me of diagnosing her when in fact I was not.

In her favor, I know she’s been depressed lately and she’s quick to anger when depressed, but sometimes when she’s like this I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. It was early and I probably got her up when she was half asleep.

On my side, I did use guilt-tripping on her and kept belaboring the same issue even after she said she wanted to go back to sleep.

In conclusion, I don’t think either of us approached this argument in a healthy or mature way. For the record, she has also been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD, and she is symptomatic a lot. Put two Borderlines together (even when one is recovering) and there’s always going to be drama because all kinds of stuff gets triggered. But I’m never prepared for it when it happens. I feel kind of horrible now, but should I apologize to her anyway even though she was at least half wrong?

Anyway, this is the beauty of text messaging. You can go back over a conversation later and analyze it in a way you can never do with a spoken conversation.

3 childish and infuriating things narcs do to make you shut up.

Posted on June 11, 2016 by luckyotter

There are two variations of the Silent Treatment that are common in narcissists (and bratty children, who narcissists resemble).

Your Narc ever do either of these things to you? My MN sociopathic ex used to do these things ALL the time whenever I was trying to make an important point and/or defend myself from his abuses. Whenever he did either of these things, I wanted to shove his face through a wall.

1. The Sing-Song Game.

cant_hear_you

If I was trying to tell him something important, he’d actually stick his fingers in his ears and sing “LALALALALALA!” Like the Silent Treatment, this tactic is an effective way of making you feel not heard, with the added advantage of implying that your message is unimportant or stupid enough to attract such a childish reaction. It’s infuriating–and of course that’s the intention. They’re trying to get a reaction from you, because an emotional reaction (even a negative one) gives them an easy fix of narcissistic supply.

2. The Echo Chamber.

pleasekeeprepeating

Echolalia (repeating everything you just said) might be even more infuriating than the Sing-Song Game. It’s another thing both children and narcissists love to do to cut down anything you have to say. You say or ask something, and they repeat it. You ask them to stop, and they repeat that. And on into eternity. They may even mock your tone of voice while doing this or your mannerisms. My ex also did this all the time.

You: “I wish you’d chew your food with your mouth closed.”
N: “I wish you’d chew your food with your mouth closed.” (said with mouth full of food)
You: “I asked you not to do that.”
N: “I asked you not to do that.”
You: (sighs)
N: (exaggerated sigh)
You: “Do I have to leave?”
N: “Do I have to leave?”
You: (becoming angry): “STOP IT!”
N: (exaggerating your angry tone of voice): “STOP IT!”

If you respond with silence at this point, you’ll be met with silence too. After all, this is only a variation of the silent treatment. The best thing to do is leave. Nothing you do or say is going to stop them, until they become bored.

3. Smile!

inappropriate_smile

Sometimes, when you’re trying to talk about a serious subject, the narcissist will smile or even giggle inappropriately. Oh, they know you’re being serious, but again this tactic is meant to undercut the seriousness of what you’re trying to say and is intended to annoy or anger you. It’s a simple but effective weapon to kill communication.

Can you think of other infuriating, childish things narcs do to kill communication? I may add them to this post.

New song by NarCissistic Mary: Illuminating Dreams

Posted on June 10, 2016 by luckyotter

Mary Pranzatelli,narc abuse survivor and frontwoman of NarCissistic Mary

NarCissistic Mary’s indie rock songs have all been very popular on this blog and I want to help her get as many views as possible. Here is her latest, a slower tempo song called “Illuminating Dreams.” Please share!

Please follow NarCissistic Mary’s band page on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/NarCissistic-Mary-1109482479067945/?pnref=lhc

On losing my dad.

Posted on June 9, 2016 by luckyotter

Me and my father, Summer 1983, Dallas, Texas.

I’ve experienced a strange array of emotions since my father’s death on Monday, June 6th. To be more accurate, I haven’t felt too much emotion at all. I used this event to take two days off from work, but not really to grieve, just to reminisce and remember the good times my father and I had together. And yes, there were many good times.

I know the things I’ve written about my parents in this blog haven’t been too flattering, but that’s because of the subject matter of this blog. Essentially, I write it for myself and nobody else. I feel no shame in saying the things I have said, none of which were untrue. And I never identified them or used any real names. I can’t deny they simply were were not very good parents, but for this post, I’ll just leave it at that.

In recent years, my father and I haven’t been very close. Although my father was most likely a Covert Narcissist or a Borderline, he was not a malignant anything so there was no need to ever go No Contact with him. On many levels we were able to communicate and understand each other. I always felt deep down that he really did love me, or at least tried his hardest to love me. As a young girl and teenager I worshipped him (although there were times I grew very angry too, and would tell him I hated him).

During my teens and even into my early 20’s, we always got together on the weekends and it was always a fun, exciting event, no matter what we decided to do. He’d take me out to my favorite restaurants and let me order as much as I wanted to eat, without criticizing my weight or making me feel self conscious. He took me on road trips and all kinds of day-long excursions. I always looked forward to our time together and always felt he took a genuine interest in the things going on in my life. I felt comfortable talking to him about my problems and concerns, when I never felt that way talking to my mom. I knew my dad was far from an ideal parent in many ways, but I did feel his love for me.

In recent years, geographic distance, lack of funds to travel, my dad’s progressive Parkinson’s which made movement and speech increasingly difficult, and personal differences have caused us to drift apart. He remarried in the early ’80s, and his current wife hasn’t always approved of my lifestyle or values. The last time we spent any time together was in 2005. That is a very long time–a long enough time that any intensity of feeling you may once have had begins to fade, even if it’s your own parent.

I knew he hadn’t been well for a long time, due to his Parkinson’s and other problems. But my father tried to take good care of himself, and his extremely devoted wife did everything she could to help him. My dad always, always carried a positive, upbeat, can-do attitude about life and aging. I spoke to him on the phone every month or so (sometimes a bit less) and no matter what else was going on, my dad always sounded happy and contented, and always happy to hear from me.

When I got the phone call from my mother on Friday, I knew his time on earth was coming to a close. His kidneys began to shut down on Saturday and he was admitted to hospice, where he died on Monday. When the call came, I wasn’t surprised. I thanked my mother for letting me know, hung up and remember just feeling sort of…nothing. I went about my usual activities, albeit with a bit of wistfulness. I did spend some time thinking about him, and looking at old photographs of the two of us. But I didn’t feel anything resembling grief or bereavement, and I didn’t cry.

I went online to find out if this lack of feeling was normal. I felt a lot of guilt for not feeling more emotion, for not being able to cry. I read about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief. The first stage is Denial, which is often accompanied by emotional numbness, similar to PTSD. But I wasn’t in denial! I knew my father was dead. I just wasn’t particularly upset about it. Of course I wasn’t happy about it; I just didn’t feel too much of anything. I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me. When I went back to work this morning everyone wanted to hug me and comfort me which was strange because I just felt…normal. I just wanted to get busy working.

Tonight I think I feel a little more emotion. Not exactly sad, but wistful and nostalgic which is close enough. I rummaged in my closets for more photos, and I found the lovely one of us taken at his home in the summer of 1983 when he was still active and in great health and I was young and sporting big 1980’s hair.

I feel grateful for the good times my dad and I shared. The times we laughed together, watched a movie, ate a delicious meal, took a long drive, and had a heart to heart talk (yes, we did even have those sometimes). We had the same offbeat sense of humor and love of the random, shared a fascination with geography and science, and loved all sorts of word games. No, he wasn’t a great parent, but he wasn’t the worst either, and he was aware he wasn’t a good parent when I was a kid. We had love for each other though, and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

Maybe I’m unable to cry because my C-PTSD makes it so difficult for me to access and feel my emotions anyway. I’m going to talk about this in therapy tomorrow.
Or maybe it’s just normal to feel an emotional distance when you and your parent haven’t seen each other in 11 years, and is really nothing to worry about. I feel some regret that I didn’t have the opportunity to see him one last time before he died.

Dad, I am thinking of you, and I know one day I’ll see you again.

Suffering can create maturity in survivors

Posted on June 8, 2016 by luckyotter

There are a few people in this world that astound me with their ability to find the silver lining behind every black cloud and these are the people who always inspire me to do better. Katie is one of them. You should follow her blog because it’s awesome.

Please leave comments under the original post.

Is narcissism caused by nature or nurture?

Posted on June 7, 2016 by luckyotter

Credit: davidwolfe.com

Although the consensus seems to be that narcissism or NPD (clinical narcissism) is a result of abuse or neglect during childhood, there may also be genetic factors involved. An article from The Narcissistic Life cites several studies and concludes that narcissism results from a combination of nature and nurture, describing it this way:

These factors include biological vulnerability, social interactions with early caregivers, and psychological factors that involve temperament. There are studies that suggest that a gene (or genes) for narcissism can be inherited but that a person also needs the “right” environment for narcissism to be manifested.

What this means is that while a child may be born with a predisposition to becoming a narcissist, they won’t unless environmental factors are also fulfilled. If the parents do their job well and give the child a secure emotional foundation, they will not develop NPD even if they are predisposed to it. In this way it works a lot like alcoholism: alcoholics are probably born predisposed to becoming alcoholic, but if they don’t take their first drink until they are well past adolescence or if the culture they are raised in discourages heavy drinking (or drinking at all), they will not develop alcoholism.

Some babies are born more demanding or needy than others. These may be “difficult” children who are easily hurt or upset and have trouble learning self-soothing. Such a temperament doesn’t necessarily indicate the child will become a narcissist, but they are probably more likely to than a calm baby who can soothe themselves, if the parents fail to mirror them properly or don’t attend to their emotional needs.

Most children whose parents were abusive or neglectful do not become narcissists. They may develop some other problem like C-PTSD or BPD or be prone to depression or anxiety instead. These are probably children who have a calmer, less sensitive or less demanding temperament than children who grow up to be narcissists. Personally I think people who develop narcissism were children who were especially sensitive and had no emotional defenses at all so they sent the true self into exile and replaced it with a false one. No other mental disorder causes a person to completely reject their own vulnerability and authenticity.

It’s not always abused children who become narcissists. Some are children who are spoiled by their parents. Spoiling may actually be a form of abuse, because it’s a lie and doesn’t acknowledge the child’s real self. It still fails to mirror them properly. The child is constantly told how perfect they are and showered with gifts and praise for being so “perfect.” As a result, they feel like they must always be perfect which of course is a lie. They feel entitled to whatever they want because of this belief in how perfect they are, and they never learn how to deal with criticism or setbacks when they get out into the real world.

I also think the nature of the abuse and role in the family plays a big part in whether a child develops narcissism and what type of narcissism they develop. Golden children, who are essentially spoiled children, are more likely to become narcissists than scapegoats are. Children who serve as both scapegoats and golden children (common in only children) can also become narcissistic, but I think they’re more likely to become Borderlines. If a scapegoated child does become a narcissist, it’s more likely they’ll become the covert, fragile type of narcissist than the grandiose, overt type.

Some studies have also shown that narcissists’ brains have less grey matter in the left anterior insula region of the brain, thought by researchers to be involved with both the regulation of emotion and the generation of empathy. But the jury is out on whether these brain differences are genetic or if the brains of narcissists fail to develop properly due to being raised in a narcissism-inducing (abusive or spoiling) environment.

Further reading:

Does Excess Praise and Spoiling Create Narcissists?