If things seem pretty hopeless right now…

Posted on August 9, 2020 by luckyotter

thomas-paine-quote-these-are-the-times-that-try-mens-souls

People are having a hard time right now. America is no longer a very nice place to live. And due to Covid 19, which we have not been able to keep under control because we have a president who scoffs at science and experts, other countries have closed their borders to us, so we can’t escape even if we have the means to do so. We have become a pariah state. A shithole country.

The bullies seem to be winning, while those of us who want American democracy back are demonized and called terrorists and traitors and anarchists by the wannabe dictator in the White House and his fascist minions. Of course, they are projecting. They are the real traitors and terrorists, leaving nothing but chaos, death, and destruction in their wake. But they seem to have all the power right now, don’t they?

We are a failing state, some say a failed one. We are facing adversity like we can’t even imagine: there’s the constant gaslighting, projection, and endless lies coming from this sociopathic president and his lawless regime that makes those of us with a conscience and regard for the truth feel like we’re going insane; an out of control pandemic (that could easily have been avoided); the wanton destruction of our institutions, the dismantling of all our checks and balances, the rule of law, and the Constitution itself; Trump’s attempts to dismantle the US Post Office(!!!) to benefit his reelection; a regime that refuses to listen to scientists whose idiotic orange leader tells us to drink bleach to cure Coronavirus; peaceful protesters treated like terrorists by Trump’s armed to the teeth brownshirts and far right militias (who are the real terrorists); the end of unemployment insurance for millions of people laid off due to Covid which is resulting in evictions and loss of health insurance; Depression level unemployment; a dying society that may well become a fascist dictatorship if Trump wins or steals the election (which he looks likely to attempt, with the blessings of his equally corrupt attorney general Bill Barr); and finally and most horrifyingly, the possible loss of all our rights and freedoms and everything about America that made it great if he succeeds in getting his dictatorship. Now Trump is threatening to defund (end) social security and Medicare, which if successful, would leave millions of elderly and disabled destitute and without healthcare, leading to even more deaths.

It’s enough to drive the most rational person mad.

These are trying times.
They’re the kind of times that try our souls.
It’s overwhelming.
It’s exhausting and frustrating and maddening and terrifying.
It’s easy to feel like everything’s hopeless and fall into despair and apathy.

But remember: you are not alone. There are people who care. People who share your feelings about everything taking place in the world, millions of them! These difficult times won’t last forever, and we still have a chance of righting what went wrong, although it may take a long time and a lot of hard work. There are a lot more of us than there are of them! There are millions of us and we are in the majority. We are not as powerless as you may think.

What Trump and his minions fail to appreciate is that when a population feels like there’s nothing left to lose, and everything and everyone they love is under threat, that’s when they are at their most dangerous, and are most likely to rise up and demand change. People fight back when they no longer care if they lose their lives or their freedom doing so.
That’s how revolutions are born. That’s how heroes are made.

Right now, history is being made. We are a part of it. We are in the midst of it.
We are not the first or the last population who have fallen on terrible times. Good almost always prevails.
Changing the world is our imperative. Be on the right side of history.

But, first things first.
You have to take care of yourself before you can change the world.
So if you or someone you love are thinking of suicide or are just feeling depressed and alone and helpless, please reach out for help.

You can start here:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
Text Home to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.

Please share with others.

God bless!

A peaceful, soul healing day at Lake Jocassee.

Posted on September 30, 2019 by luckyotter

Lake Jocassee, Devils Fork State Park, Salem, SC

Nature is the best therapist, and is so much cheaper.

First, the backstory (and why I needed this day and others like it).

ithinkimcrazy

I haven’t really discussed it much on this blog, but since her marriage in January, my daughter and her husband have been struggling with opioid/opiate addiction (at the moment, they are both in recovery), but for my daughter, her addiction is complicated by out of control mood swings. She has no official diagnosis, but her rapid and intense mood swings that range from deep and debilitating depressions that make her sleep for days, to manic episodes where she can’t sleep at all and flies into rages easily seems to indicate bipolar disorder (which does run in my family, and my son has it too, but his is more under control because of coping skills he’s learned, and his may be less severe than hers).

She lost her Medicaid when she turned twenty six in April, and now has no insurance until she can get on her husband’s insurance through his job. As a result, the only mental “help” she has been able to receive is awful, really almost worse than getting no help at all. Her current doctor is impatient with her, charges her way more than she can afford (forcing her to ration her psychiatric medications) and makes her come in every week for her scripts, even though that costs her more than if she came every two weeks, which would make so much more sense. It’s also hard for her to get to the doctor because she has no car. She hasn’t seen a talk therapist yet because of the money/car issue, and also because she has an aversion to talk therapy for some reason. Even the prospect of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) puts her off. Her husband is trying to get her to give it a chance, since it has helped him.

She was attending a 12 step meeting, but the man who was driving her to the meeting (also a member) started to take advantage of her sexually, so she stopped going. I don’t blame her. I would have too.

As for me, this year has been extremely stressful, and my daughter’s mental illness and addiction is breaking my heart. I love my daughter dearly but since she started taking opioids, it’s as if something in her brain broke, and even though she is clean now, she seems to have lost any ability she once had had to regulate her emotions, and has become paranoid about her environment and the people around her. Her episodes of rage seem always directed at me, although I know it’s not really about me at all. Still, it’s hard not to take the attacks personally.

I know with the opioids, the recovery process takes a long time, but patience isn’t my strong point, and I’ve realized I have no choice but to distance myself from her. I need to take care of myself. There’s really nothing I can do for her except pray for her healing and I can’t be of any help to her at all if I’m crazy myself — and between her issues and the awful political situation (which hopefully may be nearing its end but I’m not holding my breath), I am almost there.

I’ve gone on longer about that than I intended about my daughter, but that’s the main reason I haven’t been blogging very much this year, in case any of you wondered. I’m just preoccupied and worried to the point where it’s not healthy. I’ve been attending Al Anon meetings when I can, although I haven’t found a group I really feel at home in yet. I’ve been spending less time at home, because frankly, I never know what I’m coming home to (my daughter and hubby currently live with me). I’m looking into downsizing and moving to a smaller apartment or even a room in someone else’s home. I need to escape. They are adults and can take care of themselves here. I’m not going to kick them out. I prefer to move out myself, but the prospect of a move is causing me a lot of stress too. It all just seems overwhelming.

Get to the point already! You said this was about your day trip to the Lake!

jocassee1

Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry I took so long to get to the point!

No matter what’s going on at home or in my personal life, I can always escape, and natural places always have a healing effect on me. Bodies of water, in particular, soothe my soul and put me at peace, making it easier to cope with life for a while.

Back in June, I became interested in Scuba diving and had been researching places where I might go to get certification, and that’s how I found out about Lake Jocassee, which is located in Salem, South Carolina, in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. It’s the main attraction of Devils Fork State Park. Jocassee is formed by the confluence of four rivers that flow into it from the Appalachians. The lake actually has a fascinating history, which you can read about here.

Jocassee Valley in the early 1970s, before it was flooded by the State of South Carolina and Duke Energy to create Lake Jocassee

The reason Lake Jocassee is so popular with Scuba divers is because of its clarity and depth. It’s a large lake, which goes as deep as 300 feet and is not dark and murky like most lakes. It also lacks that funky, swampy “lake” smell.

The day couldn’t have been more perfect. It may be early fall, but the day felt like the middle of July: hot, sunny, and perfect for swimming. The lake water was every bit as clear as I’d been told and had seen in pictures. I was definitely not disappointed!

You can get a good idea of the water’s clarity here.

The drive was very pleasant, only a little over one hour from my home, and it was just a short walk down to the small sandy beach. When I waded out into the water, I was delighted that the bottom remained sandy, and wasn’t at all gunky with mud and the usual slimy stuff that’s usually found at the bottom of lakes. There were a few twigs, small rocks, and a little plant matter here and there, but it was definitely mostly sand, which I could dig my toes into and almost feel like I was at the ocean. I could also still see the bottom even when I waded out so far the water was above my head!

…and here.

There were also small waves! The lake is pretty large (not so large you can’t see across it though), but I don’t think it’s large enough to have any real wave or tidal action like the Great Lakes do; the waves might have been caused by the breeze or the boats in the distance. In any case, it was relaxing listening to them lap rhythmically onto the sand.

Dog and kids having a romp in the lake.

For me, Lake Jocassee is a perfect merging of what I love about the Blue Ridge Mountains and love about the beach. While the mountains in upstate South Carolina are not as high or impressive as the ones in North Carolina, they are less intimidating and still make for lovely views and are a perfect frame for this crystal clear lake. But at the same time, I also got a real “beach” feel here, unlike any other lake I’ve ever been to.

jocassee6

When I wasn’t in the water, I watched the view from my beach chair and just soaked in the sun, watched kids and dogs play in the water, and read. I think I stayed about three hours, until late afternoon, when it began to cloud up a bit. I decided then was a good time to head home. I left feeling refreshed, relaxed, and better able to handle the challenges I’ve been dealing with.

On the way home, I passed by Table Rock, also in the upstate of South Carolina, and pulled over on the side of the road to take a few quick pictures.

Table Rock, Table Rock State Park, Pickens, SC

I also got a little color.

I’ll definitely be going back to Lake Jocassee. It’s on my growing list of “happy places.”

Enjoy the photos!

Is it wrong to laugh during ‘serious times’?

Posted on August 19, 2019 by luckyotter

Laughter-Is-The-Best-Medicine

Well, it depends.

A random tweet I saw this morning:

What I have noticed on Twitter is that people are so angry that even when I make a joke, they say “this is no time for jokes,” this is a serious time. The craziest people on Earth are people who try to mold your Twitter page to their personal liking. It’s absolutely insane.

It’s not just Twitter, though. This attitude is pervasive all across social media and in real life, too. Of course people are jumpy, on edge, stressed out, scared, and angry. That’s perfectly understandable in times like these. But if you make a joke or try to make light of the gravity of our national and political situation, many people become offended. And I’m not referring to Trump supporters here.

I understand some jokes are in poor taste. For example, I would never make fun of the caged children at the border, or the many people suffering right now because of Trump’s cruel policies. I would never laugh at someone’s funeral. That’s punching down, it’s bullying, and it’s mean. That’s the kind of thing Trump does (remember when he made fun of the disabled reporter? Yeah, that’s punching down and punching down is never funny).

But I will certainly make fun of him, and the powerful people who work for him, and yes, at his supporters too, who I see as willfully ignorant at best, sociopathic at worst. I will make fun of his terrible gaffes, his inappropriate behavior at televised events, his word salad, his disheveled appearance, his malignant narcissism.

And if you take offense because the situation he has put us in is “too serious for jokes,” then all I can say is maybe you need to grow a sense of humor, and maybe you’ll find out that being able to laugh at the terrible things he does makes this dark time in our history a little bit easier to bear.

I think keeping a sense of humor when things are dark and the future looks uncertain is essential to our mental and spiritual health. The ability to laugh, even gallows humor (laughing AT the evil and making light of it, NOT at the victims of the evil) is a necessary survival tool. Those who can’t laugh in the darkness are far less resilient emotionally and spiritually, and more likely to succumb to terror, despair, or worse.

Guest Post: How Addiction Leads to Personality Disorders

Posted on April 29, 2019 by luckyotter

How Addiction Leads to Personality Disorders
By Sharon Torres

Personality disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy are often blamed upon the nature vs. nurture model. When people’s brains are wired to have these kinds of problems and it is coupled with childhood trauma, these are possible causes of having a psychological disorder.

However, there is another side of the story where personality disorders don’t just come from childhood trauma nor a natural brain wiring–it comes with the development of an addiction. I hope that my experience with being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from both addiction and a personality disorder will provide you with insight into how one caused the other and vice versa.

My story of narcissistic abuse

I was a naive girl in college back in my home country. I always dreamed of having a perfect relationship so I kept myself free from exclusively dating unless I was certain. My cousin then invited me to a social ball at this college, and this is where I met my dashing, charming, ex-boyfriend.

My ex was a senior of my cousin, so he was required to introduce me as his partner in the social ball. This young and handsome bachelor was known among his batch mates and he was known as the heartthrob of his class. This is where it began–after the party, he added me on Facebook which was to my surprise! I wasn’t even able to take a hint that he noticed me.

After hours and days of talking, the friendship quickly grew to something romantic. Looking back, I believe it was the love bombing phase in our relationship. Since he knew that I took the bait, he was eager to win me.

This romantic phase turned sour when we eventually became a couple after 3 months. I started to feel neglected, and I discovered something he had hidden from me throughout that getting-to-know-you phase–he had a drinking problem! Still, my rose-colored glasses stayed on. I was determined to “change” him and make our relationship better.

Little did I know that those hopes were just that–mere hopes. He was deep in denial of his drinking problem, and when he had fits of rage he would say things that he didn’t mean. He would threaten to break up with me, curse me, suddenly stop responding to my calls, blaming me as being too “controlling.” He would even talk to other girls just to show that I was easily dispensable. Being naive as I was, I thought that these were normal relationship conflicts. I took the verbal and emotional abuse as though it was something that I should work on. When he was sober, he would lure me in again through his sweet words and coaxing. The pattern repeated itself again and again, which ultimately tore my self-esteem.

My relationship with my ex was full of heartache and pain, until one day, I chose to free myself from this vicious cycle. It took me one whole year to finally get away from this narcissistic abuse after months of hoovering and questioning my decision. Needless to say, I do not regret my decision. I am happily married now to another man, and the difference was clear as day. Looking back, I realized how one’s personality can change due to having an addiction problem.

Why is addiction linked to personality disorders?

Addiction of any kind, whether it is drugs, alcohol, or other substances, can affect a person’s physical, mental, and emotional state. The addictive component found in these substances changes the brain’s wiring through continued use. In the case of alcoholism, the brain is led to the release of endorphins, which are the natural feel-good hormones of the brain.

The problem with continued, increasing use of these substances is that it quickly escalates from tolerance into dependence. When the brain and body are dependent on drugs and alcohol, functioning without it becomes a disaster–this causes the multitudes of withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, distress, and the dreaded changes in personality.

According to several Colorado addiction resources, a person who is addicted to substances may show one or more of the following traits:

Impatience. When a person suffers from substance use, it is their source of comfort and gratification. Without it, they may often find themselves having an attitude of impatience. They are impatient towards their partners, become unreasonably demanding towards others, or may show fits of rage because of their inability to wait.

Easily aggravated. Anger is another issue that may often appear due to substance use. When the body is largely dependent on drugs or alcohol, it may easily suffer from physical symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, cramping, or fevers. Additionally, it can also affect the person’s mood because of the many discomforts without the substance.

Impulsive. When combined with being easily aggravated, people who suffer from substance abuse and personality disorders tend to say or do things that they may regret later. They are prone to getting in physical fights, reckless driving, having multiple partners, or doing other dangerous acts that could affect them or their loved ones.

Manipulative
Manipulation is one of the hallmarks of personality disorders such as sociopathy and psychopathy. People who are highly manipulative will do anything to get what they want–without a sense of morality of their means to get there. In the same way, people with addictions can use other people and situations to their advantage, and this is because they need the immediate pleasure of consuming the substances they need.

Abusive. Abuse is not just through physical means. They can also involve verbal and emotional abuse, which are hard to determine especially if you are blindsided in your relationships. Most people who suffer from personality disorders along with substance abuse will use rudeness, cursing, and other forms of hurtful words at their peak of anger. A steady, loving relationship ensues respect from one another–and although conflicts are bound to happen, it does not involve hurting each other physically or through words. If you are a victim of abuse, seek help right away.

It is important to understand that people suffer from personality disorders due to their genetic or familial predisposition to them, from an abusive or neglectful early childhood, or from other early trauma. They learn that using substances make them feel “in control” of their disorder. In the same way, people also develop personality disorders due to continued substance use. It is a two-way cycle that exacerbates and increases the risk for both.

If you feel like a loved one is suffering from a personality disorder coupled with substance abuse, there are addiction resources to help them out. They offer medical treatment, counseling, and lifestyle rehabilitation to help them take a shot at recovery and to manage their personality disorders.

*****
Sharon Torres is a freelance writer who is chronicling her experiences through this thing called life. She believes that if you always move forward in life then there is no need to look back. Her favorite writer is Phillip K. Dick.

Visit Sharon’s blog at: http://sharontorreswriter.blogspot.com/

How Social Media Affects Your Mental Health (guest post)

Posted on March 29, 2019 by luckyotter

How Social Media Affects Your Mental Health

Guest Post by Daniela McVicker

We live in a time where social media has taken over our everyday lives. Both older and younger generations constantly use their phones to communicate with friends and family, as well as entertain themselves — and social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter are playing a very important role in all of these actions.

While social media can help connect people, improve information sharing, and provide hours of entertainment, there are also many negative aspects connected with their usage. Famous people can promote unhealthy standards which an average person would never be able to achieve and sustain. Taking this into consideration, here are some of the ways in which social media can affect your mental health.

It Can Promote Interaction and Create Friendships.

For people who are lonely, the internet can provide them with a social circle they most likely don’t have in real life. As social media is concentrated around accounts which promote certain types of content, it is a lot easier to find other people with similar likes and interests.

Coming in contact with people who share your interests can help you feel more confident about your choices and help improve your mood. Talking about things you enjoy and learning interesting things from people with similar tastes will certainly help your mental state improve.

While the internet can limit face-to-face contacts between people, it can help those who are lonely feel like they belong and help them have someone to talk to when they need it. While many online friendships and relationships don’t allow people to meet in real life, it is still a great opportunity for human interaction for people who are shy, ill, or home-bound.

It Can Also Make Users Feel Isolated.

At the same time though, no matter how many friends someone has online, they cannot really replace the experience of having real-life friends to spend time with. Online friendship is limited by the distance the screens create between the users, and even though you can Skype and call the other person easily, you are still not actually spending physical time together.

This can make a social media user feel isolated and even feel like they’re not worthy of having real-life friends. The reality is that for most people, opening up to a stranger online is much easier than striking up a conversation with someone in an everyday life scenario.

A good way to view online friendships is as an opportunity for improving your social skills and finding new ways to strike up a conversation with people who have similar interests to you in everyday life. Since you won’t have the pressure of replying to the other person immediately, you will be able to teach yourself how to pick your words better and be more social in an easier way. This will definitely help boost your mental health.

It Can Make Users Compare Themselves to Unrealistic Images.

Another reason why social media can affect a person’s mental health is that almost every platform tends to support and promote unrealistic images of perfection. Social media influencers have become very popular in our day and time and are loved, supported and followed by millions of users.

Platforms such as Instagram tend to present users with social media influencers who always look perfect, use the most expensive beauty and clothing items, and appear to just be living a dream life. The reality is that their lives are not as perfect as they appear to be online.

For example, most of the pictures people post on social media have been retouched or altered so that the users hide their own imperfections from the world. Or they only post their very best pictures or the ones that make it look as if their lives are perfect: perfect family, lots of friends, always looking perfect, etc. For younger generations that have not yet come to terms with the fact that what they see online may not be what the person is really like or what their life is really like, this can have devastating consequences on their self image.

This can affect their mental health negatively by making them obsessed with chasing an image that does not really reflect reality. Working towards self-improvement is a great thing, but setting achievable and realistic goals is most important for one’s mental and physical well-being.

It Can Provide a Source of Support in Difficult Situations

Have you ever wondered if there are other people out there that might be going through a similar situation as you? Whether that has to do with a chronic illness, a relationship issue, or anything else that you might think of, the internet is bound to provide you with a forum on social media platforms targeted toward people who struggle with the same issue you do.

A great example is a Facebook group for people who want to support each other and get support on their weight loss journeys. Not only are they great sources of education for the people struggling with losing weight, but they also provide the participants with a social circle which will always be there to support them and help them keep moving on their weight loss journeys.

No matter what the issue, being part of a supportive online community can help the person improve themselves while also improving their mental health. Finding people who go through the same problems as you is very difficult or even impossible in day-to-day life, so the online support group can give them the motivation they need to feel better and start improving themselves and the way they view the world around them.

The Bad and the Good of Social Media Platforms.

While social media platforms tend to promote unrealistic images and set high expectations for their users, they can also offer a plethora of benefits. There are many people out there who are lonely or isolated and can benefit greatly from feeling like they are part of a group and have some online friends they can talk to when things are rough.

Social media platforms can affect users’ mental health both positively and negatively but in most cases, this effect is related to the personality of the user as well as the way they use their social media accounts.

****

Daniela McVicker is an editor for Topwritersreview. She is also an experienced writer with a degree in social psychology from Durham University. Daniela is primarily focused on writing about self-improvement. She has authored a number of insightful and motivating articles like “Making The Right Choices Every Day” and “7 Steps To Open Yourself To New Opportunities & Possibilities”.

Let’s Talk About Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Posted on March 5, 2019 by luckyotter

I can relate to this article. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is the medical term for my chronic “free floating” anxiety that I complain about so often. Believe me, it’s a lot worse than it sounds.

Please leave your comments on the original post.

How Our Cultural Ignorance of Mental Health Helped Elect Donald Trump

Posted on March 3, 2019 by luckyotter

This author has some interesting thoughts about our ignorance about mental health, and narcissistic personality disorder in particular. A short, but important read.

Please leave comments on the original post.

It's More Complicated Than You Think

mentally speaking trump flag

Leading up to the 2016 presidential election, I repeatedly heard politicians, pundits and voters predict or at least express hope that, if elected, Donald Trump would “rise to the occasion” or “surround himself with good people.” It infuriated me. As a mental health practitioner, I knew this would not happen. More than his policy or populist rhetoric, it was Donald Trump’s instability I feared. Most disturbing to me was few people did.

People assume that psychiatric diagnosis is a subjective science open to interpretation, but this is far from the case. Human behavior operates on a continuum. In many cases (but certainly not all) it’s a matter of degree and frequency that separates abnormal from normal. When taking Abnormal Psychology in college, we were warned of psychiatry’s own version of “medical student syndrome.”

Perhaps this is why it’s easy to justify Trump’s deviances. It’s when you take into account the…

View original post 1,034 more words

Why is depression more tolerable than anxiety?

Posted on March 2, 2019 by luckyotter

anxietyanddepression

I haven’t been at my best. My anxiety has really been acting up. I’m finding it hard to stay mindful and have a positive outlook. All the tools I learned to stay mindful and avoid the worst of Complex PTSD are almost useless.

I can never relax. I’ve been filled with a free floating sense of awful, black dread. I can’t take naps in the middle of the day like I used to, or even sleep in late because at some point I feel like my heart is slamming in my throat and I’m jumping out of my skin. Often I wake up early in the morning with a jolt, all that oppressive black anxiety weighing down on me like a lead blanket, and I almost feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes it’s so intense it borders on full blown panic.

Some of my anxiety is very specific:

Worry about the future of our country under the current president;
Worry about my personal freedom and rights as I get older, especially since I’m what most would consider poor and under this horrific regime, I will be VERY vulnerable to exploitation or early death from lack of social security, Medicare or other old age benefits that older generations took for granted;
Worry about what will happen to my children (or any children they have) should we become a real dictatorship;
Worry that the payout from my insurance company won’t be enough to allow me to buy any kind of decent vehicle, which I need for work;
Worry about my daughter’s new husband not being capable of providing sufficiently for her or any children they have.
Worry about a likely move in the future: will I be able to afford it?
Worry that one of my adult children will be in a terrible accident and possibly die;
Worry that my own family is using me financially and talking badly about me behind my back (this is probably the most irrational fear I have). I know this is due to my past as a victim of narcissistic abuse. When I’m very anxious and triggered, I have a hard time trusting people, even people I know aren’t out to hurt me.

There’s also the free floating, nameless anxiety I’ve lived with all my life, magnified by my specific (and possibly even rational) fears. It’s this overwhelming feeling that something awful is about to happen, though I have no idea what.

All that anxiety is debilitating, and yes, it’s painful. It’s hard to function properly or maintain healthy relationships when you’re constantly fretting or ruminating about something that might happen in the future — or might not. I irritate my family because of my constant need for reassurance that I’m not being used or they are not going to be doing something dangerous that will get them hurt or killed. I get annoyed easily at work and just in general. I snap at others, not because I’m angry, but because I’m so anxious all the time.

There have even been days I’ve contemplated suicide (though I know I won’t actually do it) just to escape from the oppressiveness of all this anxiety and dread.

Every so often though, my anxiety gives way to depression. I know that depression is actually worse than anxiety because it means you have given up. You’re no longer fighting (anxiety definitely feels like you’re fighting for your life sometimes). Oddly enough it feels almost…comforting. When I’m depressed, I can just lie in bed or in front of the TV and not feel like my heart’s about to slam right out of my chest. I feel no guilt about being so slothful. When I’m depressed, I can actually sleep and escape my emotional hell through dreams, or just the oblivion of featureless slumber. I can find food comforting even though I can barely taste it. Though tears come rarely, when they do, it feels cathartic.

But mostly, when I’m depressed, it’s like boredom turned up to 11. Depression is very, very boring. There are elements of sadness and sometimes grief, but more than anything else, depression is boring. Yet, I have no urge to do anything to relieve the boredom, except maybe sleep or eat. The boredom is there, and while it’s intense, it isn’t painful or intolerable the way normal boredom is, the kind of boredom that makes you have to go DO something about it immediately. It’s just there, like gray wallpaper.

When I’m depressed, I don’t suffer much (or any) anxiety or dread, because in my mind, the bad thing has already happened. Even though my belief it already happened may be irrational, I’ve emotionally succumbed and accepted it.

It’s like that moment you know you are going to die. You go through your whole life fearing death, but when you’re finally face to face with it, staring into its infinite maw, knowing there’s nothing you can do, your fear disappears and you just accept you’re going to die at this moment, right here and now. I know this is true because when I was 18 I got raped. The man had a knife, and I thought he was going to kill me. At one point, I was sure I was a goner, and at that moment a strange calm took over and I just accepted this was how I was going to leave this earth. Obviously it didn’t happen, but I remember that sense of peaceful calm and acceptance.

That’s what happens when I’m depressed. It’s like I’ve already accepted something that might not even have happened and may never happen. No, of course it isn’t healthy, but it’s oddly comforting and far more tolerable to me than the almost constant high level of anxiety I’m forever doing battle with.

Healthy boundaries.

Posted on February 25, 2019 by luckyotter

goodboundaries

Credit: unknown

Guest Post #8 : Abusers break you–and then HATE you for being broken.

Posted on February 25, 2019 by luckyotter

Linda Lee’s wonderful guest post about Complex PTSD is definitely worth another day in the sun.

Lucky Otters Haven

My dear friend and active participant on this site, Linda Lee, has written a wonderful and OMG SO TRUE post, which describes a lifetime of abuse, including incarceration in a state mental hospital, and being faced with unethical doctors and caregivers, including one who raped her. She was sent back home to a rejecting family–who had put her there in the first place! Linda Lee has Complex PTSD, a form of PTSD that’s often the result of chronic abuse during childhood, rather than an isolated traumatic incident later on in life. After describing the insane house of mirrors she had been thrusted into that seemed to have no way out, Linda lifts the reader out of the darkness with an uplifting message about Easter and the resurrection.

Linda Lee also has a blog about her Complex PTSD caused by prolonged, severe trauma called Surviving Trauma (formerly Heal My Complex PTSD)

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