The spam of it all.

funnyspam

Yesterday a new follower (Bluebird of Bitterness–gotta love that handle) linked me to a post they wrote (I *think* Bluebird is male, but not 100% sure–forgive me, Bluebird) about the spam they get. And it got me thinking.

I never really looked closely at my spam–I’d just scan it quickly to tell if it was spam (because very occasionally Akismet–an awesome spam blocking service every blogger should use–messes up and puts legitimate comments in my spam folder, which is why I won’t have it automatically deleted), then once I determined it was really spam, I’d just press “delete permanently” without a second thought. But Bluebird’s article pointed out how hilarious some spam can be–it looks like I’ve been missing out on some great random entertainment.

So today, before I say bye bye to my spam, I’d like to share a few of these “comments” that sound like they’ve been translated, telephone-game style, about 15 times until they finally appeared in their garbled, nonsensical English incarnation and made it into my spam folder.

So, without further ado, here are my funniest spam comments today.

1. Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 30 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

2. I want to share my testimony on how i was able to get back my husband around September this year with the help of Dr Ekaka. My husband left me for over 3years and went on with another lady and i was unable to move on with my life because of the love i have for him last month i saw a testimony on the internet on how Dr Ekaka help someone with love spell so i never believe it but just have to try my faith which i did and i contacted him on his email: [email removed] and he told me what i need to do and after 2days i received a call from my husband asking me to come back to him it was all like a dream to me i am so happy now as we are back together again thanks to Dr Ekaka and i will advice anyone in need of help to contact him.

3. age.

4. sustain all three paragraphs all over same distance if at all to greatest article come across healthier and every aspect equally important.

5. Compass pattern on them robe on, give it a very familiar feeling.

6. “The Gezhu words, Tianhe Road, Friends Do not trust the next?” Compass Gezhu eyebrows a pick, and some do not Yu said.

7. All in all, every day the door of the General Assembly, the top four are the four natural Taizong obtained, while the last time too pure door had a third, just behind the front of the awe-inspiring College, this Heavenly cases apparently magic reign the first came in the second.

8. Tiange real mind a move, the Xiupao waved a green mask Guangcan Disciples protect all too clear in the one, the other doors were strong family have also shot, or resorted to spiritual device, or pinch broken Talisman , exhausted all means to protect his or mitigate subglottic disciples of spiritual pressure to bear.

9. Antony said he ordered the Central Bureau of Investigation, India’s main national law enforcement body, to examine all aspects of the helicopter deal.

Lets laugh at the narcs.

I actually have a tab in my header about this. We need to laugh at narcs.
I just stumbled on this website though, and there are some great jokes here about narcissists. Narcs may be tragic, but they also deserve to be laughed at and that can make us feel better too. I’m adding this link to my tab because these jokes are great.

http://bruce-1628250.newsvine.com/_news/2012/11/27/15489669-and-the-category-is-narcissists-humor

narcjoke

There are very few groups of people whom you can tell jokes about these days, that aren’t considered ethnic, racial, gender or some other kind of Protected Class from prejudicial discrimination. No more Polish Jokes. Please!!!

Can we still get away with telling Lawyer Jokes?

But, here, thanks to Newsvine, I have discovered a category that is, I think, perfectly fine for sharing jokes about.

And the category is: Narcissists! 😉

If you don’t know what a Narcissist is, then here, read this:

Dictionary definition:

narcissism – noun – excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one’s physical appearance.

Psychology extreme selfishness,
with a grandiose view of one’s own talents
and a craving for admiration, as
characterizing a personality type.

Psychoanalysis self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

DERIVATIVES – narcissist – noun – narcissistic – adjective – narcissistically – adverb

ORIGIN early 19th cent.: via Latin from the Greek name Narkissos (see Narcissus ) + -ism.

And, if you still aren’t sure, you could go to this site for a quick explanation:

(The Narcissistic Pastor: 10 signs that you may be one | Pastor Charles Stone

So, is it okay to joke about Narcissists?

Why the hell not!!!

Here are some narcissist jokes I found during a very quick search of the net. Hope you enjoy them. If you’re at all offended, then maybe you are a ———. I hope not, for your sake!!! Have you got a good Narcissist joke or story you’d like to tell?

The Jokes:

1. How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

2. A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house!

3. What do a narcissist and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being

4. My husband and I divorced for religious reasons.
He thought he was God and I didn’t

5. How do you drown a narcissist?
Answer: Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool.

6. What do you call a narcissist buried in sand up to his neck?
A. A good start
B. Not enough sand

7. Why won’t a vampire attack a narcissist?
Answer: Professional courtesy

8. Every narcissistic man wants a woman he can look down on.

9. There’s nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

10. The narcissist says: I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

11. The narcissist says: Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

12. How does a narcissist sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

13. How can you tell when a narcissist is lying?
His lips are moving.

14. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a narcissist?
An offer you can’t understand.

15. What is the difference between a catfish and a narcissist?
One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker, and the other’s just a fish.

16. What do you call an honest narcissist?
An impossibility.

17. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of narcissists?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

18. The narcissist says: Really, I’m the most appealing, sexy, charming, wonderful, most intelligent man walking the face of the earth. Ask all those b****es who left me!

19. A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.” The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.” The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?” The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.” The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?” The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.” The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.” “Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

20. A Narcissist’s wife goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 10 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The woman says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

21. A priest, a teacher, a millionaire, and a narcissist were golfing together. As they walked the course, they came up behind a foursome that was moving very slowly, and that didn’t offer to let them play through. Calling over the club pro, the foursome inquired about the poor sportsmanship of the slow group. The pro explained that the slow golfers were blind. The priest said, Oh, bless them, I will keep them in my prayers. The teacher said, I will tell my students how inspiring they are. The millionaire said, I will offer to pay their greens fees for the year. The narcissist said, Why can’t they play at night?

CoH and NUA rules apply. Sorry but Narcissists are not recognized as a Protected Class under any of the anti-discrimination laws on the United States. If you have a problem with these jokes, then you probably shouldn’t read them. This is all for funs and giggles, so just go with the flow okay?

Forgive me for this but…

I almost choked to death laughing.

tampax

On a less irreverent note:

reindeer

and on a more serious note:

merrychristmas

Sickie

sick

My face is melting and my throat is full of sand. My eyes are gross and gummy. My hair is lank and greasy and my nose is raw as sushi. I’m hacking up unspeakable things.

Oh, wait, I feel a sneeze coming on. Ahhhhh—

Dammit! It’s one of those infuriating swallowed sneezes, you know, when you feel like you have to sneeze but it doesn’t come–or maybe your nose just emits a mouselike squeak . Non-sneezes must be one of God’s little practical jokes.

So, what was I talking about?

Oh, right. My danged cold.

I still had to work today (otherwise I lose my Christmas holiday pay) but I felt like I was dragging around a 100 pound weight as I moved around today, sniffling and sneezing and spewing my germs everywhere like Typhoid Mary. I took Dayquil to cope with the symptoms, but still felt horrible, and sleepy on the way home in the car from the medicine. (By the way, Dayquil will make you groggy, so drive with caution if you must).

I drank about a gallon of orange juice and popped vitamin C like a crackhead pops rocks, but all it does is make my bladder work overtime making bright orange urine, which I guess is the point since all that peeing is supposed to rid your body of the illness. Eventually. I’ve been eating so much canned chicken noodle soup I think I might lay an egg if I eat too much more.

In the meantime I have no choice but to power through this. Thankfully, day after tomorrow I’ll have a nice 4 day long weekend to relax and get better. I’ll be cooking my incredible (yes, I don’t mind saying so) spinach and meat lasagna at Paul’s house and my daughter will be home. I’ll also be baking a red velvet cake (with buttercream icing, not cream cheese, which I hate).
All my Christmas shopping is finally done and I’m anticipating a small but lovely Christmas dinner. I’ll still be glad when all this holiday business is over for another year.

As I sit here sipping my peppermint tea with honey, I’m dreaming of spring.

earlyspring

Once the stores start putting up the Valentines day merchandise (which happens the minute Christmas is over), I start to see spring on the horizon. Here in North Carolina (with the exception of last year, which was exceptionally cold for this part of the country), by the end of February it starts to warm up a bit and even a few of the trees begin to take on a pale green tinge. (Has anyone ever noticed, even before the green begins to show, in the very early spring the trees have a diluted form of the same colors they do in the fall?)

The days are already getting longer by one minute a day. By the end of January, it will be noticeable. Ah, spring. I can’t wait for you. I love you. I wish I could hibernate until then.

I hate everything about winter. The dark. The cold. The gloominess. The damned SNOW. But most of all I hate colds and flu. It’s getting late. Guess it’s time to take some Nyquil and rest my body for one more day of work until the long weekend.

But before I do that, I think I’ll take another eucalyptus bath and light my Silver Birch Yankee candle.

This search term had me spewing coffee out my nose

narccake

dealing with narcissistic cake decorator coworker

I don’t know quite why this one sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter, but it just did.

“I thought these rugs were dogs.”

I love this Twitter account: Faces in Things. I always stop here if I want to smile.

This one made me spew coffee all over my keyboard.

ithoughttheserugs
dogrugs

I want one!

Off topic, but I reached 200 posts, and this is my 201st. 🙂

I thought yesterday was Friday

wtfdays
W-T-F: They’re really all the same anyway.

The blogger Idiot Writing (whose idiotic, WTF posts I’m in love with) just wrote a post informing everyone that today was Friday just in case anyone thought it was Thursday.

Well, how ironic is that, because yesterday (Thursday) I thought it was Friday. I actually asked my boss why my direct deposit didn’t go in, and she looked at me like I had 3 heads and a pine tree growing out of my forehead.

I skulked out of her office liked a whipped rabbit and just wanted to somehow weave myself into the beige carpet.

Happy Thanksgiving!

thanksgiving1

thanksgiving2

Blogging…

showandtell

…it’s Show and Tell for grown up geeks.

Who is the real “Lucky Otter” and why you should care

Last Christmas, I sent my son, who loves otters, one of these little critters I found online.

riverotter

I thought he was so cute I ordered another one for myself.    My son named his “Alfonso” and he has actually dressed him in little clothes and then tweets the photos from different locations.   Yeah, he’s a total dork.   Here’s “Alfonso” protecting a smartphone.

alfonso
Touch this phone and I’ll rip your face off.

Yeah, I know.   It  sort of reminds me of the guy who kidnapped someone’s garden gnomes, took them on a trip around the world, and sent the owners photos of the stolen gnomes in exotic settings such as the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, London’s Big Ben, The Great Wall of China, and under the arches at the Mickey D’s in Podunk, Iowa.

travellinggnome
Don’t step any closer. It might be possessed.

So anyway.  I couldn’t think of a name for my guy, but there’s a restaurant in town named “Lucky Otter.” Otters are not on the menu, but Cali-style burritos are.  The logo, inexplicably, is two conjoined dachsunds that look vaguely reminiscent of “CatDog,” of the ’90s era Nickelodeon cartoon.

catdogluckyotterlogo

The important thing is, my fuzzy little guy is otterly delighted not only with his name, but to have an entire blog named after him.