Healthy boundaries.

Posted on February 25, 2019 by luckyotter

goodboundaries

Credit: unknown

Guest Post #8 : Abusers break you–and then HATE you for being broken.

Posted on February 25, 2019 by luckyotter

Linda Lee’s wonderful guest post about Complex PTSD is definitely worth another day in the sun.

My dear friend and active participant on this site, Linda Lee, has written a wonderful and OMG SO TRUE post, which describes a lifetime of abuse, including incarceration in a state mental hospital, and being faced with unethical doctors and caregivers, including one who raped her. She was sent back home to a rejecting family–who had put her there in the first place! Linda Lee has Complex PTSD, a form of PTSD that’s often the result of chronic abuse during childhood, rather than an isolated traumatic incident later on in life. After describing the insane house of mirrors she had been thrusted into that seemed to have no way out, Linda lifts the reader out of the darkness with an uplifting message about Easter and the resurrection.

Linda Lee also has a blog about her Complex PTSD caused by prolonged, severe trauma called Surviving Trauma (formerly Heal My Complex PTSD)

View original post 2,877 more words

The narcissist’s dark and twisted brand of empathy.

Posted on February 25, 2019 by luckyotter

Originally posted on August 20, 2016

Do narcissists have empathy? Yes, and some of them have a lot of it, but it’s probably not the kind of empathy you want anything to do with.

Some lower spectrum narcissists do have some capacity for normal emotional (not just cognitive) empathy, but it tends to be selective–that is, they can turn it off when it’s too dangerous or it makes them feel too vulnerable. That’s why, for example, a low-to-mid spectrum narcissist can feel empathy for fictional characters in a movie or novel and even shed tears for them, or can feel empathy for a stray or sick animal, but when you tell them you just lost your job, or that what they just said hurt your feelings, they turn into a block of ice. Their reaction to your pain is about as heartwarming as the Siberian wilderness in January. If they’re love-bombing or trying to hoover you, they may FAKE emotional empathy, but they don’t really feel anything. They show you what appears to be tender compassion in order to manipulate.

It’s not news that most narcissists are ultra-sensitive, but their sensitivity is retained only for themselves, and that’s why they are so easily offended. But that sensitivity seems to have a switch that turns to “off” when it comes to other people and they can appear appallingly insensitive. Many narcissists were so sensitive as children they were actually potentially empaths. Their empathy didn’t really go away, but remained in a twisted and barbed form. Their developing disorder transformed their natural emotional empathy into something dark and malevolent. Some experts call he kind of empathy narcissists have cognitive empathy–which means the narcissist KNOWS how you feel, but can’t share your feelings or care how you feel. If they are malignant or sociopathic, they may even want to hurt you. Because most of their emotions went into hiding as a form of self protection, the emotional, caring aspect of any empathy they might have once had disappeared too, and what remains is only the cognitive portion. Narcissists have an uncanny and unsettling way of knowing EXACTLY how you feel–and if they are malignant, they use their twisted brand of empathy against you. For a malignant narcissist, empathy–a quality we normally associate with loving concern–becomes a weapon used to control, attack, and belittle you.

Cognitive empathy.

On HG Tudor’s website, Knowing The Narcissist, he wrote a post about the way some narcissists mock their victims using mimicry of their emotional reactions as a form of abuse. I am going to quote a portion of that post, because of how well it illustrates the way a malignant narcissist uses cognitive empathy as a weapon to cause pain. It’s quite amazing how well they know EXACTLY how their abuse is making you feel, but instead of feeling remorse and apologizing the way a normal person would, they instead use that knowing empathy as fodder for their mockery cannon. My ex did this to me constantly, and Tudor’s description of the victim’s feelings of overwhelming helplessness and frustration at the receiving end of this type of abuse is absolutely spot on.
WARNING: THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING.

When you stood there crying with frustration and I drank deep of the delicious fuel you provided me, I would raise my hands to my eyes and draw pretend tears on my cheeks and make a sobbing noise to humiliate you further. Here I was letting you know that I copied everything that went before yet now I copy again but not with the perfection I once exhibited. I allow the sting of sarcasm and the malicious mockery to infiltrate my copying of your behaviour so that your hurt and bewilderment was increased. You would shout at me and I would shout back using the exact words before standing and laughing at you as you burned with frustration, unable to find any response. You might stamp your feet in exasperation and I would do the same but with a leer of disdain writ large across my face.

There were times when you would scream. A terrified scream as my vicious manipulations would take their toll and as you tried to curl into a ball and hope you might just disappear and escape this nightmare, I would lean in close to you and mimic your scream into your ear, creating this fabricated falsetto of distress in order to further your own. Every reaction to my devaluation of you had the potential to be met by a mimicked reply from me in order to further your misery and demonstrate I did not treat your responses with any sincerity or concern.

Another way a narcissist can use cognitive empathy is to scope out your vulnerabilities–knowing exactly which buttons to press to upset you. In the comments, Katie provided a great example of this. Her mother, who scapegoated her and knew she was sensitive about her poverty, used this against her, saying things like, “Oh, Katie dear, it must be SOOOOO hard to be living the way you do and never have enough money for the basic things.” And then followed that up by crowing about how successful her siblings were and the vacations and new cars they were buying. My mother used to use my sensitivity itself, knowing I was sensitive about my sensitivity, saying things like, “It must be so awful being so sensitive.” What’s happening here is a kind of fake, sarcastic “empathy” is thinly veiling a cruel jab at one of your buttons, which their cognitive empathy is used to discern. And then, should you complain, they will act all hurt and innocent and tell you they were only trying to be nice or were showing concern for your well being. This is a vicious kind of gaslighting.

Please keep in mind that cognitive empathy in itself is not a bad thing. It could be a tool used in mindfulness training to help a person learn to “walk in someone else’s shoes” before acting out against them. Cognitive empathy can be learned, but emotional empathy cannot be taught–it’s either there or it isn’t. Most empaths have both cognitive and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy lets them know how someone else feels, but the emotional aspect allows them to care.

Remembering Sophie Scholl.

Posted on February 23, 2019 by luckyotter

I’m reposting this in remembrance of Sophie Scholl, a student activist protesting Hitler’s Nazi regime, who was executed on this day 76 years ago.

Lucky Otters Haven

GERschol4

Sophie Scholl was a young political activist who led the White Rose resistance group against Hitler and Naziism in WWII Germany. She and her brother Hans were found distributing anti-Hitler leaflets at at the University of Munich, and were charged with High Treason. She and her brother were both executed by guillotine on February 22, 1943. She was just 21 years old. Her sacrifice and inspirational last words have special meaning for us now.

Sophie Scholl Biography (Wikipedia)

sophiescholz

View original post

Three signs of spring.

Posted on February 21, 2019 by luckyotter

I saw some of these today.

Spring is my favorite season. You know why, if you read this blog. The best thing about it (besides the end of the cold weather and short days) is it spells the end of my yearly bout of SAD.

Of course, Easter candy appearing in stores (sometimes as early as before Valentines Day!) definitely hints that spring is on its way. There’s also the days growing longer.

But today I saw the first real signs of spring. In spite of the nasty weather we’ve been having, I saw bright yellow daffodils growing in the garden of a neighboring house. I looked at my own messy garden, full of dead vegetation from last year that was never cleared. Poking up through the debris were the bright green shoots of my daylilies. I was surprised because it’s been so cold, but I guess not cold enough to keep them from sprouting. The longer days might have also woken up the bulbs.

If you look closely at the trees around here, many of them have a reddish tint and swollen looking tips, which means the buds are getting ready to open.

Last night we had a thunderstorm. Although winter thunderstorms in this part of the country aren’t infrequent, they almost always appear toward the end of winter, and increase throughout the spring into summer. So that’s a the third sign of spring.

The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to mow the lawn again. Ugh.

“One Breath Around the World” (Guillaume Néry)

Posted on February 20, 2019 by luckyotter

Another breathtaking, haunting underwater video taken by the freediving champion’s wife, who is also a freediver and filmmaker. I think this is his best video yet.

It’s like a trip to another world — or a dream.

Making changes.

Posted on February 18, 2019 by luckyotter

changes

It’s time to change a couple of things about myself. Laziness has been a factor in both, though there are other things involved too, and this post is where I will explain it all.

The first thing I’m changing is I’m going back to church.

Due to Trump’s far right evangelical base’s racism, greed, and general lack of empathy, and the twisted perversion of Christianity known as dominionism infiltrating many evangelical and fundamentalist churches, and also the highest echelons of our government (and corrupting every one of our vital protective institutions while violating the Founding Fathers’ idea of the separation of church and state), I’ve been finding the term and even the idea of “Christianity” offputting.

I believe this is deliberate psychological manipulation enacted by people and organizations who (much like radical extremist Islamists) use religion as a weapon to control human beings and to justify cruelty, callousness, and even torture. (Christianity was also used to justify slavery during the Civil War and many of the worst atrocities in western history).

What these individuals and churches are practicing is not Christianity at all. These are Pharisees and false prophets, wolves in sheeps’ clothing. Some followers may be hapless victims of their cult and not realize they are actually part of a fascist political movement overtaking the country, but their wealthy and famous leaders and televangelists most certainly know. Some people have dubbed these false Christians “Christianists,” to delineate them from Christians with a more traditional, Christlike belief system.

The dominionists’ goal is not just destruction of America as we know it, but also destruction of true Christianity. What better way to turn good people away from Jesus (and turn them toward atheism or to Eastern religions or paganism) than to make the Christian God as cruel, narcissistic, mean, greedy, and punishing as possible? To twist Jesus’ message of caring for the “least of these” into a barely concealed contempt for the most vulnerable among us, a Savior who reserves special treatment for the “anointed” wealthy (dominionists believe wealth and worldly power is a sign of God’s favor) and condemns the poor and sick (who are not “chosen”) to hell. Dominionists believe that dissent or resistance to a political leader (no matter how immoral or unjust) is a sin that will send you straight to hell (They base this on one line in Romans 13). Many dominionist preachers, from Franklin Graham to Lance Wallnau to Robert Jeffress, all insist Trump was anointed by God, and to defy or disapprove of Trump will ensure that you suffer in hell for eternity. Of course, this only applies to the far right Republican leaders they approve of. If you resisted Obama or Clinton, none of this applies.

Dominionism and far right evangelicalism bears no resemblance to any Christianity I ever heard of until it began to infiltrate our government and started getting more media coverage. It bears no resemblance to the traditional idea of Jesus as a kind teacher who inspired the Golden Rule and healed the sick. It also bears no resemblance to the Jesus who was so enraged by the greedy money changers in the temple that he overturned their tables and sent them running. Dominionism is all about tithing and preachers reaping huge profits. It’s all about power and dominating others. The pervasiveness of this dangerous christofascist movement is, unfortunately, turning me off to Christianity.

If Satan is real, I imagine this is exactly how he’d go about turning people away from God. He wouldn’t use pentagrams and blood sacrifice because that would be too transparent and obvious. No, he’d disguise himself within an established religion such as Islam or Christianity, pretending that evil is good, and good is evil. The Father of Lies wouldn’t be transparent enough to reveal himself. He may well pretend to be God.

And so, my church attendance has gone way down. The last time I attended mass was on Christmas. I was happy to be there, but I still can’t shake the bad feeling I get these days from the mere idea of Christianity, whether Catholic, Protestant or nondenominational. It isn’t my church itself, which I love. My church is Catholic, but is also quite liberal, and the priest never brings up politically controversial subjects like abortion (I myself am pro-choice — up to a point). Although my priest is careful not to talk about politics during the homily, he has made it pretty clear how he feels about the migrant situation, the rollback of environmental regulations, and the current president’s cruel policies without actually mentioning his name–and his opinion is not positive. Although some conservative Catholics are Trump supporters (and there are Catholics working for Trump), the Catholic Church is actually vehemently opposed to Trumpism because of its disdain for immigrants, the sick, the poor, the disabled, children, the elderly, anyone who’s different or vulnerable, and all the “least of these” people that Jesus loved the most and demanded his followers treat with compassion.

But I still couldn’t shake the “Christian” stigma. To many people today, the term “Christian” elicits the same negative mental image as “Muslim”: oppressive, misogynistic, and often violent religious zealotry. Of course in both cases, only the extremists are that way, and what they practice isn’t either true Islam or true Christianity. And even as a Christian myself, the term “Christianity” was starting to make me recoil and turn my back on it. I was “losing my religion.”

As a sort of compromise with myself (and God), one day in the early fall, I decided to attend a Unitarian Universalist service. It was beautiful, uplifting, inspiring, and the people were friendly and welcoming. I loved the sermon and its message of social justice, equality, kindness, and acceptance of diversity over exclusivity. In fact, it was a perfect church for someone like me, except for one thing: its failure to acknowledge the existence of God, or any higher power or higher intelligence. That bothered me because I don’t think (and have never thought) we just got here by accident. Yes, I believe in evolution, but I also think it wasn’t random, and there was some kind of higher intelligence — a God — overseeing the entire process.

Even more confused, I just decided not to go to church at all. I made an exception for Christmas mass, but I do feel like something important is missing from my life. I find myself slipping back into my old ways of thinking and feeling when I was agnostic, and that just doesn’t work for me, and never did. I feel strongly that God has been calling me back, but I haven’t heeded that call. Yet.

Lent is almost here, and last year for Lent I successfully gave up smoking. I believe it was God’s presence that made it much easier for me to quit than it would have been otherwise. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in a year! So I have decided to return to my adopted church, and in doing so, give up something for Lent that will honor God and at the same time help me.

What better thing to give up for Lent than my Sunday morning laziness? (I do love sleeping in on weekends). Maybe by immersing myself in a Christianity where acceptance, respect for the planet, compassion, and all the other good qualities of Jesus are valued instead of denigrated, I might be able to let go of some of the negative political associations I’ve developed toward Christianity because of what American Evangelicalism and the Trumpist GOP have done to it.

I’m making another change too. I’m going to write in this blog every day. There’s no reason I can’t make a New Year’s resolution in February. It’s still early in the year.

This blog may never regain the level of activity it used to get (due to the Google changes I talked about in another post), but writing something every day surely can’t hurt and will probably help. It will also keep me centered and focused. Even if all I do is post a photograph, or a few sentences about some small event or observation (Tony Burgess does this all the time, and his blog is very popular) it’s better than posting nothing at all.

Exploring Asheville’s Grove Park Inn, my son’s unexpected visit, and more.

Posted on February 18, 2019 by luckyotter

Looking up at the front of the Grove Park Inn, Asheville, NC

I had a pretty exciting (and hectic) weekend. My son came up from Tampa with a friend of his (Rudy) in tow. I really wasn’t prepared for the visit, since he announced it just three days before their arrival. He had to take Rudy to the airport in Atlanta and decided to come up to NC to visit his mom and newly married sister (and new brother in law), since we are not that far away from Atlanta.

Friday night after I got home from work they were already at the house. We ate at the new Galactic Pizza near my home (their Italian food and especially their pizza is amazing). The space theme decor is super cool as well.

Inside of Galactic Pizza, Asheville

Closeup of the laminated outer space theme bar counter

The next day was pretty quiet, since my daughter and her husband both had to work, so my son and his friend went out to visit some of my son’s old friends from school, and I had a chance to clean up the house and do a little shopping. Saturday night was Game Night. They had brought two friends back with them to the house. All seven of us crammed into the small living room, ate a huge bucket of Bojangles’ chicken, and played some online games (you have to download an app to play) and they were pretty fun, but after awhile I developed an intense headache and felt tired so I went to bed early while they continued to play more games deep into the night. I was really feeling my age that night!

Sunday we had the best time. We got up pretty early, and after a quick breakfast and some coffee, decided to head to the mall. My son bought his partner some gifts, and I splurged and bought myself this adorable Betsey Johnson pink flamingo suitcase that was on sale (it was the last one left so I *had* to have it!). I needed some new luggage anyway, and since I’m taking my yearly trip to Florida in two months (I can’t wait), the pink flamingo motif was perfect. I’ll probably get the smaller matching case later, which would be perfect for smaller items and cosmetics, but I’ll probably order that online and get a cheaper price than I could at a store (and it was out of stock).

I also stopped in Hallmark while my daughter and her husband were busy and bought them this as a late wedding present (they got married several weeks back, but I never got around to writing a post about it). I think it looks like them a lot. Both of them were touched.

After the mall run, my daughter left for work and her husband left with her, and so my son, his friend and I decided to go exploring the world famous Grove Park Inn (purchased by Omni Hotels and now officially referred to as he Omni Grove Park Inn) The hotel was built on he side of Sunset Mountain (part of the Blue Ridge) and completed in 1912. It was built in the popular and beautiful Arts and Crafts architectural style that was fashionable at the time (and has enjoyed a resurgence in recent years). Its red shingle roof has an organic look to it, and the facade is constructed of stone found right here in the mountains. It has been added to over the years, with an additional wing added, but it all fits together seamlessly and the hotel has become enormous! You can easily get lost in it.

Looking down from the hotel (it is built into the side of a mountain)

Looking up from the bottom. Yes, there are actual waterfalls, and these are natural features, not manmade.

Many notables of both the past and present have visited the hotel, and adorning the hallways are photos of the various famous visitors. There are several excellent (but expensive) restaurants, and beautiful architectural detailing everywhere.

One of the most impressive things about the Inn is the huge stone lobby with its vintage rocking chairs and sofas, and especially its two gigantic fireplaces on either end. There are outside porches extending from the lobby, and the views are breathtaking, overlooking the nearby mountain ranges. You feel like you are in the sky.

There is a vintage 1913 (?) Ford Model T (?) in the lobby. Someone correct me on this if they know the exact model and year. I forgot to take down that information.

You can get an idea of the view from these pictures. I wish the day was less cloudy/foggy (and cold!), but it was still lovely.

And here is the three of us:

The hotel also may be haunted! There is the famous legend of the Pink Lady, who was staying at the Inn in 1920, and died from a fall to the Palm Court from the balcony in the central part of the Inn (the floors above the main lobby). Her room number was 545, and to this day, people are either drawn to that particular room because of its macabre history, or they avoid it! None of us encountered the Pink Lady or any other ghost that day (yes, we did walk past Room 545!)

Scale model of Grove Park Inn displayed in one of the hallways

Another famous thing about the Grove Park Inn is the annual Gingerbread House Competition, which takes place every Christmas season. It’s a fairly new event, which started as a tiny competition for local people in the late 1990s, but has now become a huge sensation that people from all over the world travel to see. Everything in the Gingerbread Houses must be edible, although it doesn’t need to all be of Gingerbread.

Here are two views of last year’s winner. This construction includes (edible) gears that actually move!

The best part came last. We descended all the stone stairs down the mountainside (seen above in some of the photos) and at the very bottom is the Grove Park Inn’s Spa, which is actually built into the rock itself. It’s basically contained within an underground cave system, and as you walk along the stone tunnels leading to the Spa, there are waterfalls here and there, trickling water collected in small pools along the rough stone walls, and even a few actual geodes embedded into the rock. (It was too dark to get a good photo of those). As you approach the Spa itself, you can smell the scents from inside. We didn’t go inside, as we didn’t have a pass and hadn’t paid for a day at the Spa (how I would have loved that!), but what we saw was still impressive.

I do have one good picture of one of the tunnels leading to the Spa. Beneath that is a photo from Omni Hotels’ website, showing the Grove Park Inn Spa’s underground pool (which is manmade but might as well be a natural feature).

The underground pool at the Spa. (credit: Omnihotels.com)

One day I’m spending a day here. It’s on my bucket list.

This morning my son left to return to Florida. I’m off work today so I’m spending the rest of the day working on my blog, something I’ve been sadly neglecting. This is my first post.

From bullshit jobs to bullshit help – a lack of basic security

Posted on February 18, 2019 by luckyotter

I have to admit I agree with this article. Life has become too stressful for too many people, unless you’re rich. The title may offend some, but I think it’s accurate.

Why are people being forced to adapt to a sick (and dying) system that favors only the wealthy, rather than the system itself being adapted to serve us?

Especially in America, capitalism has taken a dark turn toward fascism and even neo-feudalism (authoritarianism in either of these forms is actually a sign of end-stage capitalism — the final culmination of unregulated capitalism, with the rich not bound to the laws the rest of us are, and a dangerous lack of governmental checks and balances). Neither form of end-stage capitalism is conducive to or compatible with human happiness or even simple contentment.

Yet we keep being told there’s something wrong with us if we can’t adapt and feel stressed out all the time. We’re told to just smile and think positive thoughts, and everything will be hunky dory. We spout shallow platitudes at each other and stick post-its with flowery affirmations on our bathroom mirrors. But the stress never really goes away.

Why? Because the truth is, the stress we feel is a normal reaction to the abnormal. Nothing about our system is normal or healthy for real human beings, and it needs to change. All the sunny advice we are given and all the positive affirmations are nothing more than emotional Bandaids for our existential malaise. They can’t and never will fix the underlying problem which none of us can fix as individuals, but must be addressed by the entire society working together for the common good.

A View From Askew

David Graeber has put forward the notion of bullshit jobs in recent years, and I highly recommend that you watch his interviews and lectures on the subject. However there is another bullshit trend happening…

View original post 573 more words